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Ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago is back!


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An ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago contacted me by e-mail. He said that he has been looking for me all this time, but was unable to track me down until now. We are now both married, him with 2 kids and me with none. Why was he looking for me? Of course, he wanted to know that I was ok, he said, and added that he just wanted to catch up on things. Is it unsafe to get together for a reunion between friends? Your thoughts, please.

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You have been fine without him for 20 years, so why start up a friendship with him now?

 

The ONLY way it could work is, ALL of you get together. Include your spouses.

 

How would you feel if your husband's ex from 20 years ago looked him up, to say hi and catch up...And he was considering reconnecting with her - as a friend...Honestly, how would you feel? Think about your answer. Then decide why you want to be friends with an exboyfriend who hasn't been in your life for 20 years.

 

I just don't see the good in this situation, you could be opening a door that will be hard to close. What if you see him and feelings come rushing back? Not saying they will, but it is possible.

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and his rolodex is the end of the line for him.

 

He's been striking out. He's married, so are you.

 

Decline to meet unless your h can tag along and his wife.

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how did you feel when you heard his voice? Did feelings start rushing back? I made the mistake of contacting my ex of 20 years because I woke up with him on my mind, after not thinking about him for years. When I heard his voice, unbelievable feelings started rushing back. I didn't see him thank God, as it would have been dangerous. I found out his is quite a dog and I did much better being married to my husband. I say leave him alone because there's no telling what kind of trouble seeing him will lead to.

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An ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago contacted me by e-mail. He said that he has been looking for me all this time, but was unable to track me down until now. We are now both married, him with 2 kids and me with none. Why was he looking for me? Of course, he wanted to know that I was ok, he said, and added that he just wanted to catch up on things. Is it unsafe to get together for a reunion between friends? Your thoughts, please.

 

 

If you don't want to screw up your marriage or his, RUN, don't WALK, to the nearest fire exit!

 

I made the mistake of contacting "the guy that got away" after a 15-year hiatus. We were both married and I was having doubts about my husband. We started corresponding, and all the old feelings came flooding back in like the dam broke.

 

Long story short, we were on opposite sides of the world -- we didnt' see each other for more than a year. In the meantime, I'd split from my husband, moved out, started dating again. When we finally met, it was clear that my old boyfriend wanted to have me as his girl in New York, but keep the wife and kiddies in the dark. I was so grossed out and disappointed when we finally met up.

 

He'd become a very successful, very rich, very rotten mean drunk. He showed me pictures of his beautiful kids and wife, and I thought, "how could anyone be so stupid and risk this family for a stupid roll in the hay?" I never so much as kissed him, but I realized I'd done something very wrong with someone I didn't really know at all.

 

He wasn't the guy I'd idealized and imagined. And in the meantime, I conducted a very unfair email fling with this guy for a year. I still feel guilty about it even though I gave him his walking papers and stopped talking with him for good.

 

Don't do it. You can hurt more people than you can possibly imagine, and the guilt just isn't worth it.

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Yup, what everyone else said.

 

People don't contact old loves out of the blue 'just to catch up'. There's usually some sort of emotional curiosity that leads them to track you down.

 

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, and then act accordingly.

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I wish confused rep would come back so we can know what she is thinking now.

 

She must be taking a walk in a dense forest, in order to quell her inner turmoil.

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Not quite; there is no inner turmoil.

 

Thanks for all of your responses. Yes, 20 years is a long time and having been without him for that long did not make any difference in my life. It is pretty clear to me that the common message here is that seeing him again might bring back old feelings and lead to infidelity by both. The message is also clear to me that a man and a woman, especially if they once had a relationship, can never be just friends. I get it.

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Not quite; there is no inner turmoil.

 

Thanks for all of your responses. Yes, 20 years is a long time and having been without him for that long did not make any difference in my life. It is pretty clear to me that the common message here is that seeing him again might bring back old feelings and lead to infidelity by both. The message is also clear to me that a man and a woman, especially if they once had a relationship, can never be just friends. I get it.

 

You CAN be friends, but as long as your spouses are included. And you two don't discuss too much stuff like feelings, sex etc, from the past.

 

Once feelings are gone, it is possible to be casual friends.

 

Would you be willing to meet his wife, kids and introduce him to your husband and family?

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You CAN be friends, but as long as your spouses are included. And you two don't discuss too much stuff like feelings, sex etc, from the past.

 

Thanks. Yes, I'm sure that we CAN be friends, with or without involving our spouses. Involving the spouses, I think, is secondary and not a condition to renewing the friendship. Although it need not be the meat of our discussion, I'm quite sure that the things we once shared as a couple will be discussed between the two of us. Things like mutual friends, parties we attended, places we visited, foods we ate, sex, etc.

 

Yes, I would be willing to meet his wife and kids. It would be quite interesting to see what kind of family man he turned out to be.

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Thanks. Yes, I'm sure that we CAN be friends, with or without involving our spouses. Involving the spouses, I think, is secondary and not a condition to renewing the friendship. Although it need not be the meat of our discussion

 

I disagree with all of this.. your spouses inclusion should be high on the list and not secondary..

 

You seem to use the word not or without quite a bit when speaking of your spouse's inclusion..

 

Are you sure you don't have something else in mind ??

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Even if you were to to include the spouses I still don't think the spouses would want this little reunion at all. " Hunny would you like to go out to dinner with one of my ex boyfriends "...that is just weird. Do you think feelings would emerge back?

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I disagree with all of this.. your spouses inclusion should be high on the list and not secondary..

 

You seem to use the word not or without quite a bit when speaking of your spouse's inclusion..

 

Are you sure you don't have something else in mind ??

 

 

I disagree with you as well. The renewal of this friendship is independent of our spouses. If spouses get involved in the friendship, by all means! No, I do not have anything else in mind besides renewing the friendship. Unfortunately, it's quite clear to me that people tend to INSIST that there may be more to this than friendship alone. I know, the subject of infidelity is all over this board, so my story tends to get lumped together with the rest.

 

If I used the words "not" and "without", they were used purely for vocabulary reasons and not necessarily to describe a person, a feeling or a situation, as you tend to INSIST.

 

Thanks all the same.

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Thanks all the same.

 

Why not do something very simple.. Ask your spouse about how much inclusion should be there... I thought so....

 

Good luck...

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Why not do something very simple.. Ask your spouse about how much inclusion should be there... I thought so....

 

Good luck...

 

 

You seem to know me well. How sure are you about your accusation that I have something else in mind? Frankly, you are here to harrass and not to offer anything worthwhile.

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You seem to know me well. How sure are you about your accusation that I have something else in mind? Frankly, you are here to harrass and not to offer anything worthwhile.

 

Just ask your wife her opinion on your situation and post it here..

I would be curious to know what she thinks..

 

I am not accusing you of anything.. Just giving my opinion on your post asking for advice.

 

Sorry if you think otherwise.. I'll not post anymore to your thread..

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Thanks. Yes, I'm sure that we CAN be friends, with or without involving our spouses. Involving the spouses, I think, is secondary and not a condition to renewing the friendship. Although it need not be the meat of our discussion, I'm quite sure that the things we once shared as a couple will be discussed between the two of us. Things like mutual friends, parties we attended, places we visited, foods we ate, sex, etc.

 

Yes, I would be willing to meet his wife and kids. It would be quite interesting to see what kind of family man he turned out to be.

 

If your husband has no problems with it...He may want to be included in the friendship too....

 

I'm quite sure that the things we once shared as a couple will be discussed between the two of us. Things like mutual friends, parties we attended, places we visited, foods we ate, sex, etc.

 

There's no reason to discuss your past sex life with your exboyfriend.

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The renewal of this friendship is independent of our spouses. If spouses get involved in the friendship, by all means! No, I do not have anything else in mind besides renewing the friendship.

 

By doing this, whether you're aware of it or not (and right now you DO NOT know what HIS intentions are) it's a dangerous territory. Sure yeah it's nice to say hello, how are ya? How have the last xx amount of years been... But this exboyfriend really should NOT be a part of your daily life NOW. UNLESS ALL of you become friends.

 

I have NO interest in befriending any ex's from my past and making them IN my life now, especially in my daily life, separate from my husband. Talking once in a while, catching up is fine, but that is all. DO NOT rely on the ex for anything, no emotional support (that is what your girlfriends are for, not ex's from your past).

 

All I can say, put yourself in your husband's shoes...How would you feel if he started hanging out one on one with his exgirlfriend...Discussed his sex life with her, what they used to share...It just opens the door for feelings to come out and be renewed too!

 

THINK before you make a decision.

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