LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago is back!


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 28th December 2006, 8:46 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 8
Red face Ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago is back!

An ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago contacted me by e-mail. He said that he has been looking for me all this time, but was unable to track me down until now. We are now both married, him with 2 kids and me with none. Why was he looking for me? Of course, he wanted to know that I was ok, he said, and added that he just wanted to catch up on things. Is it unsafe to get together for a reunion between friends? Your thoughts, please.
confused_rep is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2006, 8:57 PM   #2
Established Member
 
westernxer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_rep View Post
he just wanted to catch up on things
Like what? LOL
westernxer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2006, 10:00 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 51,114
You have been fine without him for 20 years, so why start up a friendship with him now?

The ONLY way it could work is, ALL of you get together. Include your spouses.

How would you feel if your husband's ex from 20 years ago looked him up, to say hi and catch up...And he was considering reconnecting with her - as a friend...Honestly, how would you feel? Think about your answer. Then decide why you want to be friends with an exboyfriend who hasn't been in your life for 20 years.

I just don't see the good in this situation, you could be opening a door that will be hard to close. What if you see him and feelings come rushing back? Not saying they will, but it is possible.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2006, 10:44 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Curmudgeon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Tri-Lakes area in the MO Ozarks
Posts: 4,113
One simple question. Is he worth risking your marriage for?
__________________
"Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."
Curmudgeon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 28th December 2006, 11:56 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 139
Sounds like someone is having a mid-life crisis.
CynicalP is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2006, 12:13 AM   #6
Established Member
 
michelangelo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,584
he wants to get laid

and his rolodex is the end of the line for him.

He's been striking out. He's married, so are you.

Decline to meet unless your h can tag along and his wife.
michelangelo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2006, 9:51 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 7,782
how did you feel when you heard his voice? Did feelings start rushing back? I made the mistake of contacting my ex of 20 years because I woke up with him on my mind, after not thinking about him for years. When I heard his voice, unbelievable feelings started rushing back. I didn't see him thank God, as it would have been dangerous. I found out his is quite a dog and I did much better being married to my husband. I say leave him alone because there's no telling what kind of trouble seeing him will lead to.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2006, 5:49 PM   #8
Guest
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_rep View Post
An ex-boyfriend from 20+ years ago contacted me by e-mail. He said that he has been looking for me all this time, but was unable to track me down until now. We are now both married, him with 2 kids and me with none. Why was he looking for me? Of course, he wanted to know that I was ok, he said, and added that he just wanted to catch up on things. Is it unsafe to get together for a reunion between friends? Your thoughts, please.

If you don't want to screw up your marriage or his, RUN, don't WALK, to the nearest fire exit!

I made the mistake of contacting "the guy that got away" after a 15-year hiatus. We were both married and I was having doubts about my husband. We started corresponding, and all the old feelings came flooding back in like the dam broke.

Long story short, we were on opposite sides of the world -- we didnt' see each other for more than a year. In the meantime, I'd split from my husband, moved out, started dating again. When we finally met, it was clear that my old boyfriend wanted to have me as his girl in New York, but keep the wife and kiddies in the dark. I was so grossed out and disappointed when we finally met up.

He'd become a very successful, very rich, very rotten mean drunk. He showed me pictures of his beautiful kids and wife, and I thought, "how could anyone be so stupid and risk this family for a stupid roll in the hay?" I never so much as kissed him, but I realized I'd done something very wrong with someone I didn't really know at all.

He wasn't the guy I'd idealized and imagined. And in the meantime, I conducted a very unfair email fling with this guy for a year. I still feel guilty about it even though I gave him his walking papers and stopped talking with him for good.

Don't do it. You can hurt more people than you can possibly imagine, and the guilt just isn't worth it.
  Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2006, 6:32 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Grrlish's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 247
Yup, what everyone else said.

People don't contact old loves out of the blue 'just to catch up'. There's usually some sort of emotional curiosity that leads them to track you down.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, and then act accordingly.
Grrlish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th December 2006, 6:36 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 51,114
I wish confused rep would come back so we can know what she is thinking now.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2006, 10:33 AM   #11
Established Member
 
westernxer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
I wish confused rep would come back so we can know what she is thinking now.
She must be taking a walk in a dense forest, in order to quell her inner turmoil.
westernxer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2006, 1:36 PM   #12
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 8
Not quite; there is no inner turmoil.

Thanks for all of your responses. Yes, 20 years is a long time and having been without him for that long did not make any difference in my life. It is pretty clear to me that the common message here is that seeing him again might bring back old feelings and lead to infidelity by both. The message is also clear to me that a man and a woman, especially if they once had a relationship, can never be just friends. I get it.
confused_rep is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2006, 2:01 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,426
Yeah it's probably not a good idea to meet up with him. Sounds fishy to me.
IpAncA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th December 2006, 2:33 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 51,114
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused_rep View Post
Not quite; there is no inner turmoil.

Thanks for all of your responses. Yes, 20 years is a long time and having been without him for that long did not make any difference in my life. It is pretty clear to me that the common message here is that seeing him again might bring back old feelings and lead to infidelity by both. The message is also clear to me that a man and a woman, especially if they once had a relationship, can never be just friends. I get it.
You CAN be friends, but as long as your spouses are included. And you two don't discuss too much stuff like feelings, sex etc, from the past.

Once feelings are gone, it is possible to be casual friends.

Would you be willing to meet his wife, kids and introduce him to your husband and family?
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st December 2006, 12:32 PM   #15
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
You CAN be friends, but as long as your spouses are included. And you two don't discuss too much stuff like feelings, sex etc, from the past.
Thanks. Yes, I'm sure that we CAN be friends, with or without involving our spouses. Involving the spouses, I think, is secondary and not a condition to renewing the friendship. Although it need not be the meat of our discussion, I'm quite sure that the things we once shared as a couple will be discussed between the two of us. Things like mutual friends, parties we attended, places we visited, foods we ate, sex, etc.

Yes, I would be willing to meet his wife and kids. It would be quite interesting to see what kind of family man he turned out to be.
confused_rep is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. i want him back. any ? missy_14_28 Breaks and Breaking Up 6 14th August 2006 1:36 AM
I have cheated on my boyfriend of 4 years with my ex boyfriend! cake Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 25 8th December 2005 5:05 PM
I just saw my ex boyfriend after 12 years... jillybean Breaks and Breaking Up 7 24th April 2005 4:23 PM
My boyfriend of five years cheated on me three years ago. How can we move on? Curious_imp Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 13 28th October 2004 7:57 PM
My boyfriend of 2 years might be cheating.help!! donna Archive 1 17th July 1999 2:42 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:35 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.