think wife had emotional affair

[didimakeamistake]

hi...

 

i've been doing a lot of reading on this site the last several days and have been touched and inspired by both the great advice that people have offered to those in need, as well as the ability of some of those in need to rise above their problems and overcome them. i am so glad this site exists. i'd like to share my story and hope that i will get some good advice and maybe find comfort with my situation. here goes...

 

i have been married for a little over 3 years now...together with my wife for a little over 5 years. we met when i was 27 and she was 24. we each have a daughter from other relationships in which we were never married. my daughter is now 10, hers is 11. we live together with her daughter, mine visits every week and every other weekend. we have been living together now for over 4 years (since before we were even married).

 

our relationship was great in the beginning...the very beginning. things are not at all what they used to be. they have taken a major turn for the worse because of some events that took place and some things i found when i got suspicious. about 10 months or so ago, my wife bought soemthing on ebay. it was large and we needed help picking it up. i had arranged for a new co-worker of mine and his wife to come along and help us go get it. my wife also arranged for a long time friend of hers to help also...a male friend. this is where the trouble started. the item was in another state, so we would be taking a road-trip to go get it. i had thought originally that we could all ride in her friend's van, but there wasn't enough room...so my wife rode with her friend, and i was to follow with my co-worker and his wife in my truck. i wasn't crazy about this arrangement, because i had hoped my wife and my new co-worker and wife could all talk and get to know each other better on the ride up...but whatever. it also wasn't fair for my wife's friend to have to ride alone, so i was ok with it...until we got to the highway. that's where things got weird for me. my wife and her friend took off...doing over 90 mph...in a cargo van...and i was unable to keep up with them. they quite literally left us "in the dust". after a while, i had called my wife's cell phone, to see where they were - i didn't really know where i was going - she didn't answer. she called back a few minute's later, and said they had stopped off 'cause her friend had to go to the bathroom. ok fine...so at this point they were miles behind us...well eventually they caught up and passed us and still continued speeding at a ridiculous rate in my opinion. so we get to our destination, load the thing up, and then it's time to leave. i asked her friend - or maybe i even told him - do not speed on your way home, especially with this heavy load in the back. i thought i made it clear. well, i was ignored - same deal all the way home. i also took note that my wife was wearing his sweatshirt while we were at this person's house. no big deal i guess...she was cold, he asked her to hold his sweatshirt, she put it on. just noted it. so we get home...get the thing unloaded...friend leaves. my wife and i and our girls are left...we decide to go out to eat. well we are at dinner, and she starts text messaging...with the same friend...the same friend she just spent 5 hours with in the car. i found this strange. even stranger - it didn't stop. it continued through dinner, and then even after we got home. even later that night in bed. i found this very uncomfortable. i kept my tongue though...i didn't say anything...i was very suspiciuos at this point.

 

the next morning my wife was in the shower...her cell phone was on the nightstand...i had been awake when she got up and left the room and went downstairs, with her cell phone, then came back and put the phone back on the nightstand before showering. so i looked in it. my heart sank when i saw what i saw. in there was a message from her friend to her that said "i love you and i miss you too" - so that meant she sent the same words to him first. i couldn't believe it. there were also some msgs about the weather. but i didn't know what to think about the other one. i didn't say anything again though. i kept it to myself. went to work, obsessed about it all day, went to my boss because i wanted to go home early because i was just sick to my stomach...broke down crying in front of him...he thought the same as me that it looked bad. wound up staying at work but left an hour earlier than i told my wife i would be...she had called to see when i was coming home, which wasn't uncommon. so i arrived home an hour early, hoping and praying that i wasn't going to find her friend's van in my driveway when i did...but there it was to my disappointment. he was at my house. the lights were very dim in the dining room...so my guess is they were sitting in there talking, but i'll never know...i was too afraid to go in...too afraid of what i might find. so i went somewhere and just parked and waited until i knew they would be gone, and to a time when i should have been arriving home based on the time i said i was leaving.

 

so that night i confronted my wife about all of this. but i didn't accuse her...i asked her questions. i gave her every opportunity to tell me the truth on her own...but she didn't. so i wound up asking her if she'd ever said the words "i love you" to a friend of hers...and she said no, that would be wrong...i only say those words to you, or our kids, or my family. i asked her several times...she never admitted it. so then i asked why she said it to this friend. she got very angry and defensive. what she wound up telling me was that she didn't mean it in the way i was interpreting it, but rather as a friend. she said she's known this person most of her life (20+ years) and she does have loving feelings for him, as well as the rest of his family. there are several brothers and sisters.

 

the text messaging had been bothering me for a while...i've always felt that my wife was ridiculous with how much she was text messaging her friends...like she was in high school or something. and because of the message i found from her friend, my suspicions went on high alert. i started to see what else i could find. i found an email to her friend's brother from the fall of 2005 (a few months before the speeding van incident) in which she was asking about how this friend of hers felt about her. in the fall of 2004 we went to this friend's wedding, and while at the wedding, his brother told my wife that he always though her and this friend would wind up together. well in her email a year later, she was asking the brother why he said that - wanting to know if it was just a feeling he had, or if the friend had said something to him. he told her that it was just a feeling he had and that everything worked out well because in the end she wound up with a great guy (me). well my wife persisted, ignoring the "great guy" comment, and again asked if it was really just a feeling or if the friend had said something. she even said that she knew she shouldn't be thinking about this now, but she couldn't help it, and just wanted to know whatever there was to know without always having to wonder.

 

so i confronted my wife about this email. her explanation is that she was only wondering because she wanted to know whether or not she was going to be able to maintain a plutonic friendship with him, or if she was going to have to worry that he wanted more. i happen to know that he was having marital problems around the same time and talking to my wife about them. to me her explanation sounds like an excuse and i'm am having a very hard time buying it.

 

i also found some disturbing pictures...pictures of my wife naked that she took with her cell phone. about a dozen or so of them. they wouldn't disturb me if she had taken them to send to me...but she didn't. my fear is that she sent them to the friend. when confronted about this, she explained that she took them for herself...that her and her friend would have these "photo shoots"...seems weird to me. i also found pics of the friend that she took with her phone, and even a pic of the friend's younger brother in which he has no shirt on. this pic was so important to her that she saved it from her phone, to the internet, then down to her computer at home. i find this disturbing.

 

i also found out that she went on a motorcycle ride with the friend during the fall of 2005 when i wasn't home. she didn't tell me about it at the time. she had asked to go on rides in the past, and i made it clear that i was uncomfortable with it. i don't recall her being too upset about not being able to go for a ride in the past, but apparently it was a big deal to her since she went anyway and didn't tell me. this made me very angry and upset, and to me shows a total lack of respect for me.

 

there were also numerous times when i would enter a room where she was, and she would quickly hide her cell phone, or close it. this has happened more times than i'd care to remember...adding to my suspicions.

 

so months have passed since all of this occurred. during those months, we have been fighting on and off. there were a few very ugly fights...ugly in the sense that she would leave the house, or i would, for a few hours to cool off. the fights never last long because my wife refused to communicate with me. she likes to roll over and turn her back to me so i'm unable to talk to her. she can lie for hours and ignore me. i can't stand it. there have been a few times where i've spent time in the basement. the longest was about a week. then things came to a head and my wife left. she had decided to go through my things as i had done to her, and she uncovered emails between my best friend (a male) and i in which i was speaking about having made a mistake marrying her, saying she was the wrong girl for me, joking about going out w/ some female friends of his, etc. she also found a picture of an online friend of mine that i had saved to my computer into a special folder. this was done during my week long stay in the basement...and i was motivated by anger toward my wife when i did it. but nonetheless...she found these things...and rather than confront me about them face-to-face...she printed them all out, wrote comments on the pages, left it on my pillow outside our bedroom door with a note for me to sleep in the basement, and then the next morning, she packed all of hers and her daughter's things and went to her sister's house.

 

she was at her sister's house from the end of june until about mid to late august...so almost 2 months i guess. during that time we saw each other several times, had some good talks...things seemed to be getting better. i have been in therapy for months now for myself, because throughout all of this my wife has blamed me for everything. she has said that 4 years of my questioning and doubting her have caused her to act the way she has. she has said she finally got sick of it. so since she's been back home, and even since before she came back home, i have been trying to fix myself. throughout all of it i have always maintained my love for her...and tried to show her how much i love her...i've tried to just hug her randomly, kiss her randomly, i've bought her flowers...she has been non-receptive to all of it.

 

i am finally at a point where i think i am dead inside. i don't think i can continue to be affectionate and loving toward her and get nothing in return. the times i have hugged her...her arms will barely be around me...if at all. i find myself struggling now to let go of all of the things that happened with her friend. i really was at a point where i had put it all behind me, accepted her explanations, and was moving ahead with eyes only to the future. but after months of rejection from her, i find myself questioning everything again. i can't help but think that something went on between the 2 of them. maybe not physical, but an emotional affair. i find myself asking - if nothing had happened, why did she react so angrily and refuse to talk about it? why didn't she comfort me and assure me that i had nothing to worry about? she acted like someone that got caught doing something they shouldn't be instead. i am scared to death that i may wake up one day 5 years from now and find out that she's in love with this friend and is going to leave me. since he's currently married too there isn't exactly an easy opportunity for them to be together right now. i also know that her and this friend used to "sneak around together" (my wife's words) right up until before she met me. and while he was dating his current wife. so how easy would it have been for them to fall back into that while she was with me? it seems to me like they were sneaking around together again, with all of the things i found out about.

 

i apologize for the length of this...if anyone has actually made it to the end here - i would very much appreciate opinions. i tried to cover everything that's happened...i hope i didn't leave anything out. if i did i will be sure to include it later. i would love to hear some opinions on this all.

 

thank you very much.

[hardrock]

Sorry to hear this, as you are in a difficult situation. Deep down, you know what you need to do, but it is a painful road to go down. You probably already know what she has done, even without her validating it. Don't push this aside, or make excuses, this was not an emotional affair. This "friend" of hers is no friend of yours or your marriage. You need to start training yourself to let her go. The only hope you have of saving your marriage is if you both are willing to try.

 

If that is the case, go to marriagebuilders.com and use their plan. If she is not willing to be honest, open, and loving, I would get ready for D. You have enough circumstantial evidence to affirm a physical affair, but she has yet to validate it. Take care of yourself, your daughter and your finances and prepare for the worst case scenario. Do you think you can prove a full blown affair? I know hearing it from her mouth might not really help, but it would give you validation for your anger and hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife has made a fool of you, does she think that you're stupid??

 

It is SO obvious that she's not thinking at all, she's SO caught up in the feelings this guy brings out in her! And because of that you, her daughter and your daughter are all left out in her mind.

 

Let's assume this has been going on for a while, the feelings, them talking and just opening the door abit more until "it" happened. Personally, I think it's safe to assume that there is a definate emotional affair going on, maybe they've fooled around, cuddled, kissed etc., she sadly, isn't going to give much detail UNTIL she feels she's about to lose you. Her rock bottom.

 

What you can do is, let this guy know YOU know wtf has been going on and it must stop NOW. Tell him to go work things out with his own wife and leave your wife alone. Even threaten to tell HIS wife wtf he's been doing...That WILL more than likely make him think, and his wife will be on the lookout as well. She needs to know just because if in her mind they are trying to fix their marriage, he shouldn't be sniffing around your wife.........

 

Right now though she's not being honest with her, she's upset that her little fun on the side has been found out. One of two things here, ONE she may hide it more so she can keep this going, (which means she'll be lying to you more and covering her tracks), TWO, install a keylogger on her computer, get her cellphone records so you can see what she's up to.

 

NONE of this is your fault, this was her choice to do, opening herself up to another man, but what you can do is think back to see if there's anything missing from your marriage that could have made her feel neglected, or not needed. Again, this isn't your fault, but if your marriage isn't as good as you thought it was, obviously in her mind something isn't right.

 

What she's doing to you and your family is completely selfish and cruel. Yet, she can't see it that way because she's so into this guy - Her mind is closed off emotionally, as her heart to you. That sucks, and all i can say is, if you love her, then fight for her! Don't let this guy move in on her, and do what is necessary to get him OUT of your lives. HE cannot be a friend to her, nor to you because of their feelings. She isn't stupid, she knows...She's just trying to justify her actions into believing that nothing is going on! Bullcrap. She knows it deep inside, and so you do.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. Don't worry about the length of your posts, if it helps talking about it, keep on writing.

[didimakeamistake]

hardrock...

 

thanks for your response...i do feel like deep down i know something happened...but i definitely toss and turn at night over "what if i'm wrong about it?" what if i throw away my whole marriage over something i thought was going on? my wife has always maintained that i am thinking things based on how i perceived them to be, and not how they really are. what is hard for me is her reaction to it all. i would think that if she were truly innocent and not hiding anything, and after the many months that have passed since my first discovery, that she would be trying her best to reciprocate the love and affection i have been showing her all along. but she doesn't...and that's why i'm dying inside.

 

funny you mention marriagebuilders...my wife actually came to me with that website months ago, before she ever left. we talked about doing some of the exercises and stuff...i even recently confronted her with my feelings and talked again about going through the exercises...specifically the emotional needs worksheet...but we never did it. and at this point, i'm not sure i want to bother. i'm still stuck on the fact that regardless of what problems we had in our marriage, and we definitely did have problems...she went OUTSIDE of the marriage to find happiness. i just can't forgive her for that...regardless of whether i drove her to do it or not.

[whichwayisup]

...i do feel like deep down i know something happened...but i definitely toss and turn at night over "what if i'm wrong about it?" what if i throw away my whole marriage over something i thought was going on? my wife has always maintained that i am thinking things based on how i perceived them to be, and not how they really are. what is hard for me is her reaction to it all. i would think that if she were truly innocent and not hiding anything, and after the many months that have passed since my first discovery, that she would be trying her best to reciprocate the love and affection i have been showing her all along. but she doesn't...and that's why i'm dying inside.

 

But you are not tossing your marriage away, SHE is. The minute she opened her heart to another man, emotionally and physically. If there was nothing going on and this man didn't mean anything to her, then she would have told him goodbye forever already. She hasn't done that because she's in COMPLETE denial of what she's doing. Her actions do not match her words, that is a fact. One cannot say "I love you and I miss you" to another man and have it mean nothing, unless it's a relative. Her heated reactions are a sign as well as your own gut instinct.

 

When she decides it's time to stop lying and cheating on you, THEN that is the time to pick up and go to counselling. Doing it now is a waste of time. Though, some individual counselling for you right now could help alot.

 

Until SHE feels the consquences of her affair, suffers some sort of loss, things won't change.

[Sup]

Hey MAN, I hate to tell you, but, she's banging OM, probably was when the lights were dim and you didn't go in the house, even at the rest stop? Find a good lawyer and get out of the marriage, she won't stop, or admit to ANYTHING! Tell her your divorcing her, and go through with it.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree, she has been with this guy probably way more than once. My recent S/O did the same thing to me. They think we are stupid, but the gut is usually right.

 

This chick is really bad news, and I have to disagree with "whichwayisup" on this one about fighting for her. You need to GTFO of there and never look back. She had indeed made a fool of you, and I would not let her standby and get away with that.

 

And this whole text messaging thing is utter crap, my EX did the same thing and it's like the person is a fricking teenager all over again. The bad part is, they have the balls to start doing this sh** right in your face. When confronted with it, they always turn it around and make you feel like the one with the problem, and that's a huge red flag.

 

I guarantee that everything you are suspicious about, is true.

 

Believe me, I've been there.

[didimakeamistake]

thank you all for your responses.

 

BOne cannot say "I love you and I miss you" to another man and have it mean nothing, unless it's a relative

 

funny you should say this...this is exactly how my wife explained this one away - she said her love for this friend is "brotherly". that she loves him like a brother. but yet she does not tell either of her 2 brothers that she loves or misses them. but she had an explanation for that as well...that her own brothers are and have always been mean to her, but this friend was always nice to her. this friend also has an older brother and a younger brother that my wife has also said she has brotherly love feelings for. she grew up with this family...they apparently did a lot of things together as children...my wife even used to babysit some of them, and vice versa even. the one brother is 19 yrs old now...and my wife likes to flirt with him. this makes me sick too. it's not so much that it bothers me from a jealousy standpoint...it's more a feeling of embarrassment. i just feel like she's a 29-yr old woman, a wife, a mother...she shouldn't be carrying on with 19-yr old boys. but apparently that's what makes her happy. she actually looks very young, like she could probably still be in high school even. i guess she wants to feel that way too. most of the time i feel like screaming to her to grow up!!!

[didimakeamistake]

And this whole text messaging thing is utter crap, my EX did the same thing and it's like the person is a fricking teenager all over again. The bad part is, they have the balls to start doing this sh** right in your face. When confronted with it, they always turn it around and make you feel like the one with the problem, and that's a huge red flag.

 

don't even get me started with the text messaging. this was something that was never really a problem until this friend re-surfaced in her life. my wife said that he's always been around, since we were dating, and since we've been married. but no way...i was never suspicious of anything until last year, and he had only come back around last summer. she claims that she had talked to him online once in a while, but the texting started only last year. it just became ridiculous. she would send and receive his messages while lying in bed with me at night. i just don't understand. that was our time together. some weekends she would be up at 7:00 am texting with this guy...before ever saying good morning to me or anything. and my wife is not someone to get up early usually, but she knew this guy was always up early. she would never put her phone down. had to have it everywhere she went, even in the house. myself, i have a phone from my job, and sure i take it out with me...but when home, it is usually on the hutch in the kitchen...not locked, not hiding anything. but my wife...once i confronted her about the bad message i found - she started locking the phone and deleting all the messages. so there was nothing more for me to find after that. the whole thing is just bad news...it is sooooo easy for people to get away with having these emotional affairs now...my wife just got careless, and probably thought i would never look in her phone.

 

my therapist has even said that she is acting like a teenager. not only with the texting and such, but with her refusal to talk to me about anything and discuss our issues. we never get anything resolved because she likes to just stop talking. and she's really good at that. i have tried too many times to count over the course of our relationship to have real, adult conversations with her about our relationship...it always winds up with her turning her back to me and not saying a word.

 

it's really a shame that things have gotten to this point...i really did think we had something at one point...but i'm not even so sure anymore...

[didimakeamistake]

Hey MAN, I hate to tell you, but, she's banging OM, probably was when the lights were dim and you didn't go in the house, even at the rest stop? Find a good lawyer and get out of the marriage, she won't stop, or admit to ANYTHING! Tell her your divorcing her, and go through with it.

 

well, i don't know if i'd go far as to say she's banging this guy...but i do have my suspicions regarding kissing, especially knowing that there's a history of that with them. i think it would have been far too easy for her them to share some kissing moments with each other without getting caught. and probably hugging/cuddling. man i feel like such a fool. i have had this guy in my house...i was even becoming friends with him myself, to help the situation with my wife. he is a very nice guy...helped me out with a lot of work on my house. now that i look back though, he was probably only serving his and her's own interests...neither of them give a crap about me and how i feel.

[didimakeamistake]

But you are not tossing your marriage away, SHE is. The minute she opened her heart to another man, emotionally and physically. If there was nothing going on and this man didn't mean anything to her, then she would have told him goodbye forever already. She hasn't done that because she's in COMPLETE denial of what she's doing. Her actions do not match her words, that is a fact. One cannot say "I love you and I miss you" to another man and have it mean nothing, unless it's a relative. Her heated reactions are a sign as well as your own gut instinct.

 

When she decides it's time to stop lying and cheating on you, THEN that is the time to pick up and go to counselling. Doing it now is a waste of time. Though, some individual counselling for you right now could help alot.

 

Until SHE feels the consquences of her affair, suffers some sort of loss, things won't change.

 

at one point she actually did offer to never talk to this person again, and it was me that told her not to do that. i didn't want her to have to give up a life-long friend because of my jealousy. so she didn't. she has definitely reduced her contact with him...the texting has all but stopped. if she's doing it now it's not while i'm around. but for all i know, they have each set up a rule with each other to only text during work hours or something. and since she deletes every message, i would have no way of knowing. but back to giving up this friend...i also feel like if i were to ask that of her, and she were to oblige, a few months or years down the road she would wind up resenting me for having to give up her friend, and then we'd be facing the same problem all over again. i truly don't think she wants to give him up...it really feels like at this point, she'd rather give me up. and with each passing day, i'm becoming more and more OK with that. she never really appreciated me anyway.

 

and i have been going for individual counseling for myself for several months now...just went last night in fact. i'm sure i'll be continuing it for a while.

[hardrock]

I really feel for you trying to sort this out. I promise you she is not telling the truth, and will continue to lie until you practically have all of the pieces put together. Complete and total honesty is transparent. No erasing call logs, no deleting texts, etc. She is having her cake and eating it too. You seem to have figured out her alternate sources of contact already. I can't tell you what to do, but only severe consequences will snap her out of this fantasy.

 

Do you have a plan yet?

 

Where are you all living right now?

 

The hardest part is going to be when you make her finallly realize you have checked out of the marriage and she comes crawling back. Will you want her back?

 

You have a lot of emotions to deal with internally, and it will be a while before you feel normal. My suggestion is to follow your head, and not your heart right now. You must show your daughter how a man is supposed to act and react under difficult circumstances, so stay strong for her sake.

[didimakeamistake]

i forgot to mention the change in my wife's sexual behavior while all this was going on, as well as a change in the way she was presenting herself physically. i have always thought my wife was very attractive, and never was shy about telling her how i felt. when i met her, i would best describe her style as "frumpy". with the exception of the sun dresses she used to love to wear (ahhhh the memories), she really had no sense of style and didn't show off her body at all. i had long encouraged her to get some of the sexier jeans that are out now...hiphuggers and such. she was reluctant at first, but eventually she did get a few pairs of these and began to like the way she looked. this was all great...but around the time that the friend started coming around, it seemed like she made more of an effort to look good. maybe it was coincidence, maybe it wasn't...but she started spending a lot of time blowing her hair out straight...another thing which i had always wanted her to do...i didn't demand it or anything...but she knew i loved her hair that way...but she would rarely ever do it. she started doing it on a daily basis just to go to work. and she had long been the type to just throw it up wet and be done with it. so this made me wonder. she also bought several more pairs of the sexier jeans, and even got herself a bunch of sexy looking shoes. again, all things that i had long encouraged her to do...she looks great in these new clothes...but she just never seemed to really respond to my encouragement. so when she did start dressing like this, i became suspicious, as i think any normal loving husband would. she explained everything though, saying she was doing it for herself. that she needed to feel sexy, and she didn't. so despite my constant efforts to show affection and to appreciate the way she looked, she never felt sexy...but she must have been feeling it from somewhere for her to be motivated to "do herself up" everyday.

 

and then there's the whole issue of sex between us. there was always something lacking there. she was never really someone that "got into it"...she would always kind of just lay there quietly. this bothered me at first, but eventually i accepted it because i loved her for so many other reasons (or so i thought). she would never offer any comments on how it was for her...i always made sure i let her know just how good she made me feel. and i'm not just talking about intercourse...any kind of contact. things got better for a little while right after we were married...perhaps because she was caught up in the excitement of being newly married, i don't know. but they quickly reverted back to being not-so-great, and not nearly often enough. that was always a problem too...she always said she just wasn't a "hornball" like i am. i accepted it though...i would basically beg for it more often, but i accepted it. i did occasionally have outburts over being rejected so often though...it really has taken it's toll on me. i have been rejected by her more times than i care to remember. i have zero confidence now because of it.

 

anyway...not that all of this hasn't bothered me for some time, because it has...but what REALLY bothers me is this - during the time when all this was going on with the friend, my wife at some point told me that sometimes she just wanted to "f--k". she said that sometimes she just wanted me to "take her and f--k her". that we didn't always have to make love. didn't always have to have foreplay (my favorite part by the way - sometimes i think i might be a woman). i was really quite put off by this...like she wanted the sexual pleasure, but didn't want any of the emotional committment. looking back on it all, i can only reason that it was exactly that...she was getting her emotional fulfillment from the friend, and would get the little bit of sexual pleasure she needed from me.

 

i will also add this...my wife has called me a "pussy" on a few occasions...saying that i whine too much when i want sex and she won't give it to me. she said that she wishes i had more confidence and would be more assertive. i would ask - how the hell am i sposed to be that way when you constantly reject me? i will always maintain that any confidence i did have she stole away from me with her constant rejections.

 

may as well add this too while i'm thinking about it - we did try going to joint marriage counseling - 1 time. she picked the counselor, arranged everything...we went...and we focused on her for the 1st session - again her choice - she volunteered for that. well she must not have liked what she heard. when we first left she was saying that it went well, but then later on that week, she started saying that she felt attacked. during the counseling, she actually said to the therapist that "she wishes i would grow a pair of balls and be a man". ouch...that one hurt a lot. but SHE felt attacked...because she told the guy that sometimes i cry and she thinks i'm a pussy for that...and when he said "so if i cry, does that make me a pussy?" - she felt this was wrong of him to say. and maybe it was...maybe he shouldn't have identified with me...but he did...and it made me feel good at the time...but she didn't like it, and because of that, has said repeatedly that she does not want to go back. i think it's because she knows she will be exposed and have to admit her wrongdoing and accept some of the blame.

 

ok, i've written enough for now...any comments are much appreciated. thank you all who take the time to read my rambling...this is helping me more than you know.

[tanbark813]

i will also add this...my wife has called me a "pussy" on a few occasions...saying that i whine too much when i want sex and she won't give it to me. she said that she wishes i had more confidence and would be more assertive.

 

Sorry man, but I was thinking this exact same thing about you before I even read this part. The reason she walks all over you and doesn't respect you is because you let her. You don't respect yourself at all. She does what ever she wants and you just let her. Look at how many times in your posts you've written that you've just accepted something that bothered you.

 

You need to man up and put your foot down. Why are you so worried about if she'll get mad. F**k her, let her get mad. If she's out of line you need to say something and take charge. And those times where you were jealous, you had every right to be. And it's not wrong to stand up for yourself and put her in her place when she's out of line and your jealousy is justified.

 

There was another man in YOUR house with YOUR wife without your knowledge and you just let it happen? You should have walked in there and laid down the law.

 

When she says you're a pussy, I'm guessing it's not just the sex thing. It probably is in regard to things overall. It's kind of like how teenagers rebel if they don't have clear boundaries. I'm not saying you should be a father to her or that you should call all the shots, but right now she's calling all the shots and she's getting away with it because you let her.

 

Of course, at this point you're in a bad situation. It will be hard to get that respect back and it's not even clear you should at this point (that's for you to decide). But I would bet good money that she's banging that guy.

 

btw, when she offered to stop talking to that guy altogether, she wasn't serious. She only offered because she knew you wouldn't take her up on it. She knew you'd cave like you always do. Sorry to be so harsh.

[ely]

I agree with Rooster DAR. Find courage and do what you have to do.

[Rooster_DAR]

Sorry man, but I was thinking this exact same thing about you before I even read this part. The reason she walks all over you and doesn't respect you is because you let her. You don't respect yourself at all. She does what ever she wants and you just let her. Look at how many times in your posts you've written that you've just accepted something that bothered you.

 

You need to man up and put your foot down. Why are you so worried about if she'll get mad. F**k her, let her get mad. If she's out of line you need to say something and take charge. And those times where you were jealous, you had every right to be. And it's not wrong to stand up for yourself and put her in her place when she's out of line and your jealousy is justified.

 

TanBark is right, you are doing exactly the same things I did before my relationship crumbled. I stood by and made excuses for her to be right about evertying, and I somehow lost my dignity. I am more upset that I allowed myself to put up with a **tch like that than I am about the whole breakup.

 

My EX also mentioned words like "too sensitive" and "men aren't supposed to cry" and that made me feel even worse. After I finally left, I discovered something about myself that was missing, and that was the MAN in me. I will never let anybody steal by dignity again by agreeing with them to keep the peace. I agreed with everything she wanted, simply because I wanted to keep the peace and that's really screwed up.

 

Even though I think you should man up, I also think this women is a ***ch for taking advantage of you, and it shows her true colors.

 

Time to join he man club dude, that's what I'm doing!

[Sup]

I MUST agree with this. However, can you get ahold of her cell phone records? Install a good keylogger on the computer. She's dressing up for OM, that's what women do when they ARE banging OM. We're trying to help you, I hope relize this. When you do get your proof, drop her like a BAD habit! And DIVORCE HER!!!!! That'll get some of YOUR confidence back

[Rooster_DAR]

I MUST agree with this. However, can you get ahold of her cell phone records? Install a good keylogger on the computer. She's dressing up for OM, that's what women do when they ARE banging OM. We're trying to help you, I hope relize this. When you do get your proof, drop her like a BAD habit! And DIVORCE HER!!!!! That'll get some of YOUR confidence back

 

My ex G/F started doing the same thing, she was doing excercises around the house, getting skinnier and more beautiful. I was on the sidelines while she was distancing herself from me.

 

Every time I confronted her and told her I noticed a change, she always too it as an attack against her.

 

Lose her, she is going to destroy you.

[didimakeamistake]

I really feel for you trying to sort this out. I promise you she is not telling the truth, and will continue to lie until you practically have all of the pieces put together. Complete and total honesty is transparent. No erasing call logs, no deleting texts, etc. She is having her cake and eating it too. You seem to have figured out her alternate sources of contact already. I can't tell you what to do, but only severe consequences will snap her out of this fantasy.

 

Do you have a plan yet?

 

Where are you all living right now?

 

The hardest part is going to be when you make her finallly realize you have checked out of the marriage and she comes crawling back. Will you want her back?

 

You have a lot of emotions to deal with internally, and it will be a while before you feel normal. My suggestion is to follow your head, and not your heart right now. You must show your daughter how a man is supposed to act and react under difficult circumstances, so stay strong for her sake.

 

thanks hardrock. here's the thing - i have had all of this figured out for a long time now...months in fact...and she knows it. i really honestly don't think they are still doing anything together. but i really think they were. they got caught. it probably continued for a short while after that, and then it stopped. she is not really lying to me any longer because i don't ask anymore. she had all but forbidden me to bring up the past anymore to even talk about it. for a while i thought that was good, and i accepted it. i put the past behind me and convinced myself that nothing went on between them, and that was what was allowing me to stay committed to this marriage. but about a week and a half ago i stayed up very late one night reading through some of the posts on this site. and i started to realize that firstly, i was not alone, and secondly, my wife was saying a lot of the exact same things as other men's wives were. things like "i love you, but i'm not IN love with you"...i had gotten all the same red flags. and i reacted suspiciously to them at the time, but i allowed my wife to convince me that she didn't do anything wrong, and that what she had done was MY fault. well, i woke up sunday morning and decided that it's bull****. that it's not my fault, but it's her fault. what really made me realize this was realizing that i have been trying for months now to make things work, but she hasn't. all along she has been saying she just needs time to forgive me for 4 years of questioning and doubting her. i've decided that's a crock of ****. she's just trying to work out her own feelings. it's like she's buying time. i really think like she knows in her head that she should stay with me, and the practical part of her wants to keep us together...but in her heart, i think she'd rather be with him. so that's it for me. i am not waiting any longer.

 

i don't really have any plan put together just yet. right now we are living in our house together - myself, my wife, and her daughter. my daughter lives with her mother, as she always has, and just comes for visits. in my head i am done...in my heart, i am trying to train myself to be done. i've done quite well with this the last week and a half. i still kiss her good-bye every morning, but that's about it. no more "i love yous" (those haven't happened for about a month now)...no more good night kisses...no more trying to hug her and kiss her and be close to her...no more telling her how beautiful she looks...i've stopped all of it. and she hasn't even said a word about it. no questions of why i'm asking so differently - nothing. this just tells me even more...seems like she's content to just let everything slowly fall apart. and that's exactly what's going to happen.

 

my next move is to speak to a lawyer. i am fearing this, as i have no idea what my financial responsibilities might be to her. i make significantly more money than she does, but she does work and receive child support for her daughter. i also pay child support for my daughter. i'm hoping we could just sell the house, split the proceeds, and be on our way. but i guess that will be determined eventually.

 

i suppose after i talk to a lawyer, my next move will be to let my wife know just how i am feeling. i'm really dreading that part. i have no idea how to tell her. she's not even getting the clue by my total emotional withdrawal from her. i honestly think she prefers this loveless marriage!

 

any ideas on how i can tell her?

[didimakeamistake]

Sorry man, but I was thinking this exact same thing about you before I even read this part. The reason she walks all over you and doesn't respect you is because you let her. You don't respect yourself at all. She does what ever she wants and you just let her. Look at how many times in your posts you've written that you've just accepted something that bothered you.

 

You need to man up and put your foot down. Why are you so worried about if she'll get mad. F**k her, let her get mad. If she's out of line you need to say something and take charge. And those times where you were jealous, you had every right to be. And it's not wrong to stand up for yourself and put her in her place when she's out of line and your jealousy is justified.

 

There was another man in YOUR house with YOUR wife without your knowledge and you just let it happen? You should have walked in there and laid down the law.

 

When she says you're a pussy, I'm guessing it's not just the sex thing. It probably is in regard to things overall. It's kind of like how teenagers rebel if they don't have clear boundaries. I'm not saying you should be a father to her or that you should call all the shots, but right now she's calling all the shots and she's getting away with it because you let her.

 

Of course, at this point you're in a bad situation. It will be hard to get that respect back and it's not even clear you should at this point (that's for you to decide). But I would bet good money that she's banging that guy.

 

btw, when she offered to stop talking to that guy altogether, she wasn't serious. She only offered because she knew you wouldn't take her up on it. She knew you'd cave like you always do. Sorry to be so harsh.

 

OUCH!!! that was harsh dude! but it's cool...i need to hear it. i can't exactly argue with it either. all i can say is that i wanted things to work out with us so badly that i was willing to accept her explanations for everything. i really didn't want my marriage to end. but i don't feel like that any longer. she will not walk on me any longer. we'll see who the pussy is now. she will never respect me. she probably never has. funny you should mention being a father to her. when we first got together, i did kind of call the shots. she looked to me for guidance. i was 27, she was 24...she was still living home and had a 5-yr old daughter that was out of control (severe lashing out at bedtime). i helped her through all of that. and it lasted for several years. but i was there for her. if nothing else, just so she didn't have to suffer through it alone. i felt like she needed me, and i liked it. i encouraged her to kinda "grow up" without saying those words. but to take care of her responsibilities. act like an adult. and she was all for it...and then at some point it all changed. she actually said to me on several occasions for me to stop acting like her father. i don't know that i'd even agree that i was acting like her father...but someone had to show her some responsibility.

 

looking back...i should have just run out of there the first night i heard her daughter screaming from upstairs. but there was a "gentleness" about my wife that i was completely drawn to and attracted to...and i never in a million years thought she'd ever do anything to me like she has.

[Yamaha]

She has no respect for you. man.

 

Tell her to get out and you will be filing for a divorce.

 

Your marriage is a farce and she is not worth the trouble of trying to fix things. Let her go to the friend she loves so much. My bet is they will not get along and she will be begging you to take her back. Don't do it.

[Guest]

well - i have to agree with most of the posts here. She is running the show without a doubt. I think you have some co-dependcy issues you should speak to your therapist about. I went through much of the same with my wife and she pulled this bull**it with me and to her ultimate surprise I was already 10 steps ahead of her. I first acted as I had only suspicions to see her reaction. She denied and lied to further bury herself in the hole she dug to start with. Your wife needs some serious therapy on personal responsibilty as do you for letting this get this far.

 

I filed for divorce and remove every button of mine she had been pushing for years. I treated everything as more of a business relationship and refused any attempt by her to weasel herself back in. If I hadn't done this for over 3 months I would have never had any control. She did hit rock bottom and wanted to work things out. By then like you I had been in individual counseling for some time getting my head straight as to what I was responsible for and how co-dependant I had become. I explained to her that I would not accept anything until she went to counselling on her own to take full responsibilty for her actions. She was no victim here as she always protrayed in the past. After 7 months of individual and couple counseling we were able to leave with a nice foundation to build on. Since then things have been good in our lives. I'm still battling the not enough sex thing and have told her if she doesn't attempt to do something about it we will have major problems again. She's not defensive like she used to be so when there is a problem we can usually find the solutions to fix them.

 

You must follow through here or this will never change. You will most likely have to file for divorce to get a reaction if any at all from her. She is in her own little dysfunctional world of reality and needs to very long lasting wake up call. You must file for divorce with the mindset that this is it and don't have any false hope that it will work out. It has with me but only because my wife woke up to realize this was it and she had not time to play these BS games with me any longer. If she doesn't come completely clean and take full responsibilty through months of therapy you must walk away or you will be posting your problems about this marriage for the next decade.

 

You really need to do 180 on her. No more Mr. Nice guy and stick to this for the next 3 months. Continue to seek therapy for yourself as you did have a 50% responsibility for getting to this point. The therapist will help you understand your part in this mess and if it doesn't work out you will be much more healthy for you next relationship.

 

Either way you need to grow the biggest set of b-lls and don't back down for at least three months. After three months evaluate the situation and if she has did the 180 herself then work for another 3 to see if the marriage can be saved. I will tell you though - there is no quick fix here and if you jump the gun here by letting her weasel back in a week, month or even two months you will revert right back to her playing you like a fiddle. Trust me when I say no less then 3 months.

 

Good luck !!!

[Sup]

At least he's starting to wake up now. You shouldn't have to pay your wife anything! Talk to your lawyer, see what YOU can get out of all the assets. Protect yourself.

[didimakeamistake]

my wife has told me tonight that it's up to me regarding how things are going to proceed. she got mad at me because i was planning on going to watch football with a buddy of mine on sunday and would possibly have to leave a family function a little early to do it. she said i've made my friend/football/hockey a priority over her...and that she'd accept it. i told her that i was making me a priority, and to accept that. she said fine...then went on to ask if i wanted her to care or not. i told her i wished she had cared a long time ago. then she asked if i still wanted her to care, at which time i said we should talk later in person (this all occurred over IM). she had also asked if it was too late now (i did not give an answer to that) and she commented about how she has told me all along that she was going to need time, and now that she was making progress i didn't want it. it also seemed pretty easy for her to say to me that everything was up to me, and if i didn't want to be together just let her know and we can go our separate ways.

 

so...it took me completely withdrawing myself from her for a week and a half for her to make progress. seems to me like maybe she sensed that i am getting ready to leave and now she's gonna try and turn it around again and make it my fault.

 

any opinions on this? is this just another attempt of hers to absolve herself of any guilt by now saying that she was making an effort to care, and she was making progress, but all i want to do is play hockey and watch football with my friend? anyone think she might seriously want to be together still and want to reconcile?

[Rooster_DAR]

my wife has told me tonight that it's up to me regarding how things are going to proceed. she got mad at me because i was planning on going to watch football with a buddy of mine on sunday and would possibly have to leave a family function a little early to do it. she said i've made my friend/football/hockey a priority over her...and that she'd accept it. i told her that i was making me a priority, and to accept that. she said fine...then went on to ask if i wanted her to care or not. i told her i wished she had cared a long time ago. then she asked if i still wanted her to care, at which time i said we should talk later in person (this all occurred over IM). she had also asked if it was too late now (i did not give an answer to that) and she commented about how she has told me all along that she was going to need time, and now that she was making progress i didn't want it. it also seemed pretty easy for her to say to me that everything was up to me, and if i didn't want to be together just let her know and we can go our separate ways.

 

so...it took me completely withdrawing myself from her for a week and a half for her to make progress. seems to me like maybe she sensed that i am getting ready to leave and now she's gonna try and turn it around again and make it my fault.

 

any opinions on this? is this just another attempt of hers to absolve herself of any guilt by now saying that she was making an effort to care, and she was making progress, but all i want to do is play hockey and watch football with my friend? anyone think she might seriously want to be together still and want to reconcile?

 

Don't fall for this, I'm telling you from experience she is going to push you cause she knows you will cave. **ck her for trying to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself and doing what's good for you, go to you buddy's and watch football and feel great about it. She has no right to call any shots since she's the one with the problem.

 

Believe me, your intuition is correct, but the "Nice Guy" part of you is saying "well maybe I should give her a chance". She knows the "Nice Guy" part of you so well that she expects that you will give in to her wishes. Read other posts on this site and you will see that you need to take control here and not let her control the "Nice Guy".

 

Show her that you mean business, and for you own dignity put your foot down. The other poster was right about give it several months before you even entertain any of her thoughts, and if you really want to work things out do it on your terms, not hers.

 

I really feel like you need to just move on, chance are this will happen all over again at some point.

 

Good luck!