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Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 26th January 2018, 1:18 AM   #16
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Mom doesn't want him "visiting" anymore
Why? It looks like she's not impressed by him. What caused that displeasure?

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he doesn't want to either
Why does he dislike your mother? Sure it's not a good way to start a brand new relationship, especially because you can't cut off a grandmother.

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He says he'll compensate me for gas.
I think it's not just about gas. How long is the drive to him?

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why am I the one who will be doing all the driving?
Because you are between two fires, and are trying to make it work all the same. Showing belligerance signs early on in the relationship is a red flag for me. I don't know what happened, but if you're entering someone else's house, you shouldn't be stepping on their toes.

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He should be getting to know this area not the other way around.
What is his financial situation? Does he have money aside? His own place? Or is he renting an apartment? Is he making good money or just paying the bills?

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getting a job that works with me wasn't easy at all, and there's one down there that is willing to.
So you already had a job interview and a written contract in your hands?

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My visits with my daughter right now are at a place halfway to his place, meeting at the parental liaison's office.
Well, the fact that your daughter was assigned to her father and not to you doesn't sound good. How old is she? And the fact that you must meet her at an office with social workers doesn't sound good either.

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Even still my mom is like are moving in with him?
Uh, what? I didn't get what you meant by that.

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I can't afford a place of my own right now
That sounds bad, honestly. Does this mean you were not married with the father so you don't get any alimony? You seem to be the weaker party, so why there was no settlement for you and for you to keep the child? The whole thing is very suspicious.

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I'm catching up on medical bills and stuff.
What stuff? Why are you so in debt? You only have to support yourself, and you are staying at your mother's, so apparently no rent and no bills to pay.

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I'm on a wait list for housing but nothing can happen right now.
How long is the wait list? Any idea? Is there any plan to get your daughter back? What's the deal with you?

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he got in a fight with my mom (whom I'm living with)
And how so? What happened?

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I do have money of my own.
This seems to clash with what you stated above, which is you're chatching up with medical bills and stuff and can't afford a place on your own.

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I hesitate to relocate due to medical needs.
Can you share more about that? What are these needs? Also, why is there no medical assistance where he lives?

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It's just too rustic for me. To far from life.
Does he live in the desert or what? I don't get it. If it's too far from life, then why it looks like there are more job opportunities for you down there?
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:37 PM   #17
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Why? It looks like she's not impressed by him. What caused that displeasure? He's not rich she loves money, and he's not the brightest bulb.

Why does he dislike your mother? Sure it's not a good way to start a brand new relationship, especially because you can't cut off a grandmother. She doesn't respect me or him, she's too invasive.


I think it's not just about gas. How long is the drive to him? 100 miles one way

Because you are between two fires, and are trying to make it work all the same. Showing belligerance signs early on in the relationship is a red flag for me. I don't know what happened, but if you're entering someone else's house, you shouldn't be stepping on their toes.

What is his financial situation? Does he have money aside? His own place? Or is he renting an apartment? Is he making good money or just paying the bills? He's a farmer lives on an inherited farm that he is selling because it's run down. He works part-time and volunteers as a fire and rescue guy.

So you already had a job interview and a written contract in your hands? not a written contract just a real serious interest, it's where he works part-time.

Well, the fact that your daughter was assigned to her father and not to you doesn't sound good. How old is she? And the fact that you must meet her at an office with social workers doesn't sound good either. I missed court when she was young didn't know it would result in custody loss, I have a treated mental health issue. She's 15. I had a recent breakdown and her dad pulled rank. I'm being reintroduced to her life. We were married for 5 years. No alimony.

Uh, what? I didn't get what you meant by that.

That sounds bad, honestly. Does this mean you were not married with the father so you don't get any alimony? You seem to be the weaker party, so why there was no settlement for you and for you to keep the child? The whole thing is very suspicious.

What stuff? Why are you so in debt? You only have to support yourself, and you are staying at your mother's, so apparently no rent and no bills to pay. Medical bills. Student Loan. I pay her a small rent.

How long is the wait list? Any idea? Is there any plan to get your daughter back? What's the deal with you? Just visitation with my daughter. I'm no 65 on the list, it' s moving fast two months ago I was in the 100's.

And how so? What happened?

This seems to clash with what you stated above, which is you're chatching up with medical bills and stuff and can't afford a place on your own. I have 3 bigish bills to pay than I'm done catching up. I owe my mom money so in addition to rent I pay her an extra sum. I don't make that much.

Can you share more about that? What are these needs? Also, why is there no medical assistance where he lives? There is he doesn't want it, because the neighbors will know he's from a very small town.

Does he live in the desert or what? I don't get it. If it's too far from life, then why it looks like there are more job opportunities for you down there?
Less competition, I'm educated mostly farmers down there.
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Old 31st January 2018, 3:50 AM   #18
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He's not rich she loves money
Had she married well, you wouldn't be striving now, I guess. So just remind her of that so that she shuts up.

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he's not the brightest bulb.
Ha. Not the nicest thing to say about the man you're supposed to be in love with. Also, education and smartness don't always go hand in hand.
But I guess you know better.

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She doesn't respect me or him, she's too invasive.
Start locking doors, she won't get in unprompted. If she doesn't respect your privacy while you live with her, you shouldn't pay her any rent. Don't let her disrespect you. If you allow it, it will continue.

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He's a farmer lives on an inherited farm that he is selling because it's run down.
How much do you think he'll make out of it? How will he invest that money?
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He works part-time and volunteers as a fire and rescue guy.
Why does he work part-time? Can't he work full-time? How is he able to sustain himself by working only part-time?

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not a written contract just a real serious interest, it's where he works part-time.
Bad idea. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. If anything goes wrong with that workplace, you'd both lose your job at the same time, jeopardizing both your finances.

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I pay her a small rent.
She's your mother, and you're leaving in 4/5 months. She'd be paying the rent anyway, on her own, and she will again, after you leave. Maybe you can stop paying her rent and save a bit more.

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I owe my mom money so in addition to rent I pay her an extra sum.
That's just fair. You should give her the money back, but maybe skip the rent.

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There is he doesn't want it, because the neighbors will know he's from a very small town.
Your illness shouldn't be stigmatized. Also, there's the right to privacy: health information must be kept confidential, no one should know what your problem is.
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:17 AM   #19
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My mom did marry well. She's set up financially. I'm the one who isn't. She lives in a 5 bedroom house. Pays a mortgage, has rental properties. But she's a widow twice now, and the stock market crash of 2005 took most of the savings. She is planning to downsize her home this year.

No locks on bedroom doors. I'm on waitlists for affordable apartments. And getting situated financially.
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Old 31st January 2018, 7:48 AM   #20
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Kristine

You said you are a planner. That is good. But here's the thing, moving in too fast is a bad plan.

Get yourself situated financially & with your estranged daughter before you cohabitate. Yow want to come into a relationship from a good place not desperation.

If your guy is so wonderful, date conventionally a little longer to form a solid foundation. Even June is too early. You need a handle on what cohabitating may do to all of the entitlements you get. If you lose your affordable housing or other benefits, are you really improving your situation overall?

When you are in an LDR the precious time you get to spend together takes on a fantasy quality like a vacation. You put other stuff aside to spend time together. Nobody is doing laundry or grocery shopping or trying to get through the chores to concentrate on the relationship. It's all about love with the responsibilities thrown on the back burner for days when you are apart. In essence, you have no idea if you can function together in the real world. Hence living closer but apart is the better plan before moving in together to see if you can balance life & love.
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:12 PM   #21
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Nobody is doing laundry or grocery shopping or trying to get through the chores
Nobody here. Funny. I did laundry, I went grocery shopping by myself and with him on different occasions. Cooked for him. And we worked remotely too, at times just one of us, or both at the same time. But my LDR is LONG.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:41 AM   #22
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I do laundry, usually while he's out working on the farm, we cook for each other and go out on dates. He loves having a meal when he comes in from working outside, that I know is a treat because living alone he can't do both. Sometimes he cooks for me. We enjoy our time together for the most part, have had a couple of big fights.

I feel like we're getting to know each other very well in the time we are together. But I am working on my independent living plan as well as a plan for us to move in together. I'm getting services in place because I get too isolated and that's not good for my mental health. So living with someone is actually better for me, which is why I'm so often moving back to mom's house. I just have to make sure we are right for each other.
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Old 8th February 2018, 2:14 PM   #23
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Found an apartment

I can afford on my own, and has space for my daughter. God really watches out for me. Now I'm waiting for my credit report to update (I paid off some debts), and my tax returns. Than I can apply and have money to put down a deposit. So I'm thinking April I can move, whereas I was thinking June. I'm going to be bare bones for a while because I lost all my stuff when I vacated the last apartment. But I put things in place to help me this time. I going into it in better economic position.

I've done my budget about 3 times, figured out my additional living expenses. I think I can make it happen sooner than I originally thought. I may buy a few things prior to moving just to have them for when I do move out of mom's house.
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:54 PM   #24
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Thatís great news ! Why didnít you like living with your parents ? Just wondering
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:05 PM   #25
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i'm glad you'll be out on your own
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Old 12th February 2018, 11:49 AM   #26
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Because I'm 43 and my mom treats me like a teenager. She yells at me for not picking up on her time, it gets done but not the second she wants it done. Doesn't appreciate anything I do berates me, belittles me. She's an emotionally abusive person.

I've since learned I should have savings, that's going to take a little time but I know it will be best if I do. It's super hard for me to save. But I will try. Still looking at June now.
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Old 12th February 2018, 11:54 AM   #27
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Getting Frustrated with Long Distance

He begs me to drive down every weekend all weekend and I'm like no drive up here, I get he says there's no privacy but I don't care. I'm not going to be cow towing to him all the time. He basically hates my mom though he says he doesn't hate her, he talks negative about her all the time and I'm frankly getting sick of hearing his complaints that he does nothing to change. I did tell him she's my mom, she's not going to change, and deal with it. He never shuts up about her. Basically I was too nice, thought he was a nice guy finally and now I don't think he has any respect for me. Unless you know of a way to remedy the situation I'm getting closer every day to pulling the plug.
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:03 PM   #28
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I think you should pull the plug anyway based on everything I have read about this guy.

That being said, realistically as a 30/40(?) year old woman, I think it should be understood that most men are not going to be okay with staying in your mum's house with you. People in their teens or maybe even 20s might put up with it, but even then it would be a hassle. Someone in their 30s and above would be crazy to drive all the way down only to spend the night in mummy's house (barring extenuating circumstances like yearly gatherings or mum being severely ill).
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:03 PM   #29
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He begs me to drive down every weekend all weekend and I'm like no drive up here, I get he says there's no privacy but I don't care. I'm not going to be cow towing to him all the time. He basically hates my mom though he says he doesn't hate her, he talks negative about her all the time and I'm frankly getting sick of hearing his complaints that he does nothing to change. I did tell him she's my mom, she's not going to change, and deal with it. He never shuts up about her. Basically I was too nice, thought he was a nice guy finally and now I don't think he has any respect for me. Unless you know of a way to remedy the situation I'm getting closer every day to pulling the plug.
What do you like about him? What would you miss?
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:23 PM   #30
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Mostly I'd miss his body. I know shallow. He's kind, he cooks, he's very complimentary of me, tells me how beautiful I am and that I'm perfect for him, I like our dates and when we are together we have a good time.
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