Travel while in a relationship

[veggie]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm new here (until now I've been just reading in the background). I'm not sure this thread belongs in here, because I'm not in a long-distance relationship at the moment, so I apologize if there's a more suitable section. My thoughts are all over the place at the moment (probably I should've written here a while ago), but I'll try to structure this into an organised read.

 

First things first: I'm a woman in a relationship with a woman. We're both 28 years old and have been together for one year now, both living in the same city and roughly spending 2 week days (after work) + weekends together (not always the whole weekend). We've also gone on several trips with the duration of two to four days together, because travel is something we both enjoy. However, we haven't yet left the country together.

 

Our professional life is very different:

- She loves her job. It's her passion. She can take a few days of holidays over the year, and she always has the whole month of August off. Apart from this, she can take a few months off work and return to the same position.

- I on the other hand don't care particularly about what I do. I don't mind it, but it's certainly not the most fulfilling job and I certainly don't want to keep it forever. However, it is the most flexible job I've had so far. I'm working remotely, which is something I've always wanted to do, because I'm free to travel while working, which in my opinion is a privilege. I can work from anywhere, as long as I have a stable connection. Before meeting my girlfriend more than a year ago, I had already planned to travel without a return ticket by the end of 2017 (I couldn't do it earlier, because I was also taking a course until this summer). I mainly want to travel, in order to figure out what my next step should be professionally. Travel has always been a way for me to gain new perspectives. And I feel I should do this now, because I can't imagine keeping this job for much longer. Falling in love is definitely not what I planned to do in my situation, but love seems to always come when you expect it the least.

 

My plan to travel is something I have been honest about since the very beginning, so there have been a lot talks about it. A couple of months into the relationship she said she wanted to go with me, so we started fantasizing about how our trip could look like. However, much later, she suddenly started backing out to the point of refusing to talk about it, because it made our relationship "feel heavy". It basically comes down to this: She wants to travel, but only if I can spend all the time with her. She does not want to quit her job for a few months (as mentioned above, she would get her job back if she did that), if it means I'll be working for a big part of the day. All my attempts to compromise have been brushed off, including:

 

- I'd work while she volunteers (something she always wanted to do)

- I'd start work late, so that we would be able to spend half of the day together. We would also change to another place whenever she felt she's had enough of a particular town (since she would spend more time sightseeing than me).

 

None of the options appealed to her, but she also didn't propose anything else, other than: She wants to travel with me, but only if she can share all experiences with me. It seems to me she was indirectly asking me to quit my job.

 

Once I understood that traveling with her would not be an option, I started to think about going myself. Not without a return ticket, as I had originally planned, because this is obviously not fair. So I talked to her to understand what would be a fair compromise for her. She told me she can handle up to three months without the person she is in a relationship with and she understands I need to do this. So we decided I would travel a couple of weeks this year as a test and 2 or 3 months next year. This was in August. I started to look at tickets and involved her in my plans, but she was obviously upset and asked me to stop. "Once you've made up your mind, just tell me when you're going and when you'll be back", she said. Although I felt guilty while doing it, I went ahead and booked a plane ticket for a three week trip, as soon as I found a good deal. I would never have done it if she hadn't specifically told me to let her know after I had decided! From that moment on, all hell broke loose. She accused me of so many different things and brought up other arguments and misunderstandings we've had in the past (I won't go into details now because the post seems long enough as it is, but I can elaborate further if any of you are interested). Ultimately she broke up with me, but changed her mind when I told her I want no contact. The fights, however, continued. I have to say she gets really nasty and mean every time we argue. When we're together she shouts, when we're texting she sends me long angry messages full of criticisms. The other day she straight-out called me a bitch. I'm emotionally more reserved than her and have difficulties responding when someone raises their voice or insults me. She has always criticized this about me, saying it's not normal that I never act upset. Sometimes it seems she's testing my boundaries and pushing my buttons until I do react.

 

She also went back on her statement that she would wait up to three months for me. Her new point of view is this: I can leave for a given period of time, if it means that she can be with other people, while I'm away. And not only in a sexual kind of way, which I'd be open to discuss btw. What she means it that she needs to feel emotionally attached to someone who is physically there. Hence, if I'm away and not able to fulfill this need, she will look for someone else who is, until I come back. According to her, her heart is loyal though, so when I come back, we can start from where we left off. I really don't know what to think about this. It doesn't look like she's in love with me, but rather with the idea of having someone? It also seems like she would just use someone to fulfill her needs?

 

So now we're stuck in this mess ... I'm leaving in a week (for my three week trip) and we're not on good terms. In fact, although we wanted to say goodbye one day before I leave, she already told me she doesn't want to see me, because I didn't do the obvious thing of taking a day off work to be with her before my trip. She also already said she's going to be busy when I come back, so likely we will spend six weeks without seeing each other, instead of three. It seems to me like she's punishing me for leaving. However, she is always stating she doesn't have a problem with me going, just with the way I communicated it to her (after booking).

 

I really don't know what to do. Am I just being unrealistic here? Is it too much to ask that my significant other would support me in my dreams of seeing the world and figure out what I want to do (professionally)in the process? I have a lot of friends who travel, with and without their partners. I know long-distance is hard, but I know a lot of cases, where one of them couldn't go for whatever reason, but supported their partner all the way through maintaining steady contact. When they were back in the same place their bond was stronger than ever. This does not seem possible with my girlfriend though. If I do decide to travel next year, she doesn't want to contact me frequently and prefers to find someone else to "replace" me while I'm gone. My love is free and not bound to a physical place. I don't need to be in the same geographical place at all times to know who I want. She, however, needs constant physical contact.

 

I guess my question is: can a relationship work if two people see love in such a different way? Does it make sense to go traveling for 2-3 months if I know she might be with someone else? Am I just being selfish and should pay more attention to her needs? Or should I just accept that this relationship is doomed and go away for an unlimited period of time, as I would do if she wasn't in my life?

 

I know in the end I'm the one who has to decide what to do, but it would help to get some outside perspective. Thanks for reading!

Edited November 21, 2017 by veggie

[hippychick3]

Honestly?

 

I would not get a return flight home. She is way, way too much drama. You’ve put up with too much already.

[d0nnivain]

Your GF sounds really needy.

 

 

I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner wanted to go travel without me but I'd be open to some compromises.

 

 

You are setting out that this won't be forever so presumably you wanted to come back, at least before she started acting like this. At this point I'd put the onus on her -- say good bye & agree to keep in touch or this is good bye forever.

[veggie]

Honestly?

 

I would not get a return flight home. She is way, way too much drama. You’ve put up with too much already.

 

Thanks for your input! Trust me, I've thought about it many, many times. But before all these problems started, I was sure I had found something very special. It's hard to let go of this, although maybe it's the right thing to do.

 

 

Your GF sounds really needy.

 

I think she has big abondonment issues. Unfortunately, I don't know how to deal with them, as they stand in direct conflict to my travel habits.

 

You are setting out that this won't be forever so presumably you wanted to come back, at least before she started acting like this.

 

Yes, I do want to come back if this means we stay together. Preferrably I'd like her to come with me, as we had originally planned. But she backed out and is unwilling to compromise in any way.

 

 

At this point I'd put the onus on her -- say good bye & agree to keep in touch or this is good bye forever.

 

This is a very good idea, thank you. What do you think about her request to see other people while I'm gone?

[d0nnivain]

. What do you think about her request to see other people while I'm gone?

 

I think you are both free to date whomever if you are broken up. If the goal is that you remain together & long distance while apart, dating others will undermine what little trust exists in your relationship & preclude you from coming together. Basically it's an asinine idea.

 

My husband often has to go away for long stretches for his work. If it's more then 10 days, I show up on weekends when it's driving distance or come for some time in the middle if I have to fly.

 

If she had job responsibilities she still has long weekends & some vacation. There are ways to work through this -- as you have offered -- if she was open to anybody's POV but her own.

[veggie]

I agree with everything you're saying, d0nnivain. If I love someone and want to be with that person, I'd never feel the need to date other people. Apart from it being a very one-sided thing, I'm quite sure it would create many problems.

 

And yes, there are many options to make it work, unfortunately she doesn't want to hear of any of them All the while accusing me of being selfish and not interested in her point of view, but immediately shutting down or criticsing me when I try to talk it through. Oh well, I guess if this behaviour continues, I'll have my answer.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly you will have your answer but you can't give up on your dream.

[justwhoiam]

I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner wanted to go travel without me

I certainly wouldn't be either.

 

This is not a business trip, this is someone in a couple wanting to travel for pleasure, on their own.

 

I work remotely too, and - because of that (being the most flexible one) - I am the one adapting to others' schedules more often than not.

 

You, instead, asked your partner to leave her job for 2 or 3 months to travel around with you, while you will be working.

 

When she said no to you, your option seemed to be going away on your own. A couple should make decisions together, not like you did. Even if she agreed to let you go, you saw her reaction: go, but know that I won't be here waiting for you all happy. She obviously wanted to be included.

 

If you want to travel the world, you don't have to leave for 3 months in a row. You can have 3 to 4 weeks at a time.

 

If you want to leave for 3 months and have her join you, make sure that:

 

1. You can tour with her almost every day

2. You can support the both of you for 3 months with your own money

3. You can cover her expenses back home for the entire travel (her rent, and any obligation she might have back home), without having her blow out her savings or her bank account for your whims

[introverted1]

She wants to travel, but only if I can spend all the time with her. She does not want to quit her job for a few months (as mentioned above, she would get her job back if she did that), if it means I'll be working for a big part of the day. All my attempts to compromise have been brushed off, including:

 

- I'd work while she volunteers (something she always wanted to do)

- I'd start work late, so that we would be able to spend half of the day together. We would also change to another place whenever she felt she's had enough of a particular town (since she would spend more time sightseeing than me).

 

None of the options appealed to her, but she also didn't propose anything else, other than: She wants to travel with me, but only if she can share all experiences with me. It seems to me she was indirectly asking me to quit my job.

 

If it weren't for the above, I might be able to see her perspective. I would not enjoy a partner who was gone (voluntarily) for months at a time.

 

But your gf has the option of traveling with you but has apparently rejected doing so because you will be working to support the 2 of you during the trip and therefore can't be with her 24/7.

 

She sounds conflicted and, frankly, controlling to me. And yes, I think she is absolutely threatening/punishing you for daring to pursue your dream.

[veggie]

Thank you for your reply, justwhoiam, I really appreciate it! It's good to hear other points of view and I totally get what you're saying. This is why I was asking if I was being selfish.

 

There are a couple of things I want to say though:

 

 

You, instead, asked your partner to leave her job for 2 or 3 months to travel around with you, while you will be working.

 

 

I'm not asking her to leave her job. I was honest about my plans to travel since the very beginning. She told me traveling for a couple of months is also something she has always wanted to do and that if things work out between us, she could come with me. Leaving her job for a while in order to travel with me was her idea. Now she's backing out of it, unless I quit my job, in order to be 24/7 with her while we travel. Contrary to her, I would not get my job back if I did that.

 

 

A couple should make decisions together, not like you did.

 

 

If you want to travel the world, you don't have to leave for 3 months in a row.

 

We talked about it a lot. The 3 months in a row were her idea too. She told me that she'll be okay if I leave for three months and that she understands I need to go. Before I met her, my plan was to travel without a return ticket (meaning at least one year), so three months is already a big step back from my original plans. Probably it was wrong to get into a relationship if I was planning to travel for a longer period of time, but if she is not okay with this at all, I also think she should've told me earlier, instead of making me believe that either she's joining me or that I can go for a limited period of time. She backed out of both options. I either don't travel at all, or she'll be with other people while I'm gone.

 

 

You can have 3 to 4 weeks at a time.

 

 

I am traveling for three weeks right now. As mentioned in my first post, we wanted to see how we handle this situation, which is why I'm traveling for three weeks as a test. It seems we're not handling it well at all, because I constantly receive angry text messages from her, and sometimes she makes it seem like she has already been with someone else.

 

 

If you want to leave for 3 months and have her join you, make sure that:

 

1. You can tour with her almost every day

2. You can support the both of you for 3 months with your own money

3. You can cover her expenses back home for the entire travel (her rent, and any obligation she might have back home), without having her blow out her savings or her bank account for your whims

 

I would be able to tour with her until more or less 5pm every day. Then I would have to work in the evening. Weekends would be free + I would take two or three weeks of holiday, so no work during that time.

 

I already offered to support both of us while we are traveling, but she says it's not about the money, but about me having to work.

 

 

If it weren't for the above, I might be able to see her perspective. I would not enjoy a partner who was gone (voluntarily) for months at a time.

 

But your gf has the option of traveling with you but has apparently rejected doing so because you will be working to support the 2 of you during the trip and therefore can't be with her 24/7.

 

She sounds conflicted and, frankly, controlling to me. And yes, I think she is absolutely threatening/punishing you for daring to pursue your dream.

 

 

Thank you for your insight, introverted1! She's being the complete opposite of how she was in the first 3/4 of our relationship and this is why it's so confusing to me. Somehow I don't want to believe that I'm in a relationship with this controlling person. Now she's sending me these weird messages about being with other people, making it seem like she already did, but denying it. I think we'll need to have a serious conversation next week when I'll be back.

[d0nnivain]

veggie

 

I am sorry your GF's angry texts are marring your travel. Somewhere you knew this would happen. She can't handle this but she's not willing to compromise at all.

 

Yes, couples should make decisions together but that does not mean that either gets everything they want. It should not be an all or nothing proposition which is what your GF wants. She sees this as a zero sum game: you travel & she loses or you abandon your dream for her, showing / proving that she's more important to you then your own goals & thus she wins. She has repeatedly refused to even consider the win-win options you have suggested. What does that tell you?

[veggie]

I'm in such a great shock right now. So she didn't cheat on me ... her weird messages were about something else. Something much worse: They were about heroine. She's been clean for four whole years, but now she relapsed, presumably because things are not great between us and I went to travel. I can't help but feel responsible. I don't know what to do. At this point I just want her to be okay and I'm scared she never will be again.

[d0nnivain]

Oh veggie. I am so sorry. You are right Heroin is way worse, especially when an addict relapses. However, IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT. She's blaming you but that doesn't make it true. Did she ever go to NA meetings? Encourage her to reach out or call her sponsor if you know who that is. If you can find one local to where you are traveling, seek out an Narc-anon meeting; it's a group for people in love with addicts. I think they might have one on line if you have nothing else. They can give you the best advice about what to do now.

 

As much as you want to help her because you care, take a step back & see this for the emotional manipulation / power play that it is.

[veggie]

Thank you so much, d0nnivain. I'll try to follow your advice, although I'm not sure I'll find a group in my country or in the country I'm traveling at the moment.

 

She never went to meetings, she did it all by herself and is proud of it. I tried to talk her into it a couple of times throughout the last year, but she wouldn't listen. She is probably not going to listen now either.

 

Suddenly this thread is about a whole other thing and I really didn't think it would get to this point. You were right, I did expect the angry text messages. But I certainly did not expect this.

[Sunlight72]

Remember the part of your post where you said travel helps you get perspective on things?

 

Perfect!

 

Go on the trip you've scheduled, and give yourself three weeks to make a decision on - if you are happy to re-enter this relationship when you return.

 

You're not married, and you don't owe her the rest of your life to fit into her box of expectations. Don't fret over it so much - go and get your perspective back. The world is a wide, wonderful place