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My relationship - or, is it still a relationship?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 11th November 2017, 10:49 AM   #16
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He is mostly organizing his life by engaging in daily activities and hobbies that create a daily routine which he is learning to establish. I have no idea about the source of his income and how he makes his living without working.
And this doesn't set alarm bells off for you? How old is this man? Why is he having to "create a daily routine which he is learning to establish?" It sounds like someone who just got out of a long term prison sentence, to be honest.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:52 AM   #17
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Ps. Is it selfish of me that I expect that, if we are a couple, we should communicate sometimes in a natural way?

Not selfish at all.

But let me get the rest of this straight. He doesn't work & you don't know his source of income. Upon meeting up in person he expects you two will immediately fall into bed.

This isn't going to go well for you. I suspect something will come up before he flies to you, making him unable to meet. Or he will expect that you cough up the plane fare.

Please, extricate yourself from this. He does not have your best interest as heart. Although you enjoy the flirtation & on-line fling, your gut is telling you to run. Listen.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:54 AM   #18
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No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad.
He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure.
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Old 11th November 2017, 10:55 AM   #19
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No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad.
He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure.
OK you have to give us some sort of hint about this "terrible thing from his past."

How old is he? How old are you?
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:00 AM   #20
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I'm 26, he is in his 30s. A very important person to him let him down in the past and it was a family relation. It left a huge mark on him.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:02 AM   #21
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I'm 26, he is in his 30s. A very important person to him let him down in the past and it was a family relation. It left a huge mark on him.
Well, there's a reason he's so secretive about his life, and if I were you, I'd stay far away from this one. You're getting nothing out of it.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:05 AM   #22
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I'm 26.
Your age makes me wonder how gullible you are. What you describe has DANGER written all over it but you seem too enamored with his alleged brilliance. Young women often look to older more established men for security & prestige. The wrong kind of older man (this guy) take advantage of their naivety.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:54 AM   #23
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Dear All,

thank you so much for your advice. I fully agree, I just don't know how to approach this issue. I'm starting to wonder that perhaps it's something inside him, like the inner problem of how he perceives or imagines our relations. It's like he believes that all is perfect, whereas, in reality, it is not. It's not the issue of being naive, I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:56 AM   #24
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No, no. He told me that he could have never established his daily life before because of this terrible thing from the past. And this story is really sad.
He is also well educated and truly brilliant when we were together. I just don't know what happened since his "new life schedule" appeared. I can't be meeting him once in a while, sleeping together and feeling like strangers again, even if he claims he loves me and even when I love him too. I feel that I'm posting this thread here because I don't want to let go of him (deep inside) and I'm also wodnering that perhaps I'm demadning too much of him. Perhaps he needs me to offer him space now, so that he can organise his life. I am very willing to offer him space and wait for him, but then, I believe, he shouldn't ask me for such big things which will leave me completely insecure.
His new life schedule is his new girlfriend/wife. He's keeping you as a side piece. Is that what you want your life to be?
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:04 PM   #25
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Dear All,

thank you so much for your advice. I fully agree, I just don't know how to approach this issue. I'm starting to wonder that perhaps it's something inside him, like the inner problem of how he perceives or imagines our relations. It's like he believes that all is perfect, whereas, in reality, it is not. It's not the issue of being naive, I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another.
Actually, I think the only decision you'll have to make is whether or not to respond to him the next time he contacts you. This one would be very easy to ghost since he's not committed to it at all anyway.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:09 PM   #26
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I wonder that it may be simply that he doesnt know how such relationship should look like and it is rather all constructed "in his head". He is a very specific person with a very specific story of the past. I know he is sincere in what he tolds me but I don't like such idea of relationship. I also know that he is sincere and not hiding any double life. I feel that I figured out the reason: he lives very much in his own inner world and in his mind and it is as if he lives by means of this inner reality. The question is whether it's possible to feel secure in relationship like that.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:11 PM   #27
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I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another.
On some level you have already made a decision: you don't want to meet him to have sex. That is your choice & it's a good one.

You can fade away. As he pouts & runs away when you refuse to meet him for sex, it will be easier for you to distance yourself because he's going to hurt you eventually.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:13 PM   #28
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I wonder that it may be simply that he doesnt know how such relationship should look like and it is rather all constructed "in his head". He is a very specific person with a very specific story of the past. I know he is sincere in what he tolds me but I don't like such idea of relationship. I also know that he is sincere and not hiding any double life. I feel that I figured out the reason: he lives very much in his own inner world and in his mind and it is as if he lives by means of this inner reality. The question is whether it's possible to feel secure in relationship like that.
You're giving this guy way too much credit.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:16 PM   #29
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Thank you so much. It is so right. I would love us to meet and act as a couple if I knew that we would be acting in the same way when we will be away. Meaning, that we will communicate and actively participate in building this relation not only in times we are together but also when we have to be apart. I believe it's perhaps fair enough. It's not that I want to deny something to him. I believe that I will see how he will act these days.



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On some level you have already made a decision: you don't want to meet him to have sex. That is your choice & it's a good one.

You can fade away. As he pouts & runs away when you refuse to meet him for sex, it will be easier for you to distance yourself because he's going to hurt you eventually.
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:23 PM   #30
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Thank you for reassuring me I have not lost my mind. I would hate to be a girlfriend nagging my boyfriends to call me all the time or to text me non stop and informing me of his every step. I acknowledge that he has his own life and time to take. But not sharing/ talking completely is too much. I mean, I cannot live on sentences such as "I send you hugs" or "I send you a kiss". I have a deep inner life and I would love to share it with someone special. And I would love to learn about the other person's inner life. I believe that this is what the relationship are about. You reassured me I'm not so wrong in believing that.
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