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Girlfriend wants to take it slow now


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 12th October 2017, 12:39 AM   #1
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Girlfriend wants to take it slow now

I been dating this amazing girl for over 7 months now she lives in Arizona and I live in Oklahoma. We recently had an argument because she said the next 3 months are going to be hard for her. Come to find out it's her deceased ex bfs birthday and the month he passed away in, but before this came up we had a great relationship she would tell me she loves me and that she wants to be with me, now she won't tell me she loves me I told her I love her and she said let's just take it slow I don't know what to do because I really do love her, but I don't know if I can go without telling her I love her and I'm scared to let her know because she'll probably get mad and just break up with me I need advice someone please help me I don't want to lose her
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Old 12th October 2017, 1:55 AM   #2
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How old are you both, and how often do you see each other?
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Old 12th October 2017, 2:42 AM   #3
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I'm 27 she's 34 and we haven't met yet, but we planned on meeting this month until our argument now she doesn't want to.
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Old 12th October 2017, 8:00 AM   #4
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The anniversary of somebody's passing can be particularly hard for some people. About 6 weeks after I started dating the man who is now my husband, my EX died. I was devastated, not because I wanted the guy back but because my heart broke for his family. Every year on the anniversary of his death I'm sad. My husband hugs me & we move on.

Was your GF with this man when he died or had they broken up? Is this the 1st anniversary of his death?

I fear that she went from the sadness surrounding him to this virtual LDR with you because it was safer -- you aren't "real". You are just some guy she talks to so it's easier to keep you at bay. You talk about loving each other but that is not real. You haven't met. You don't actually know each other. You know who you think the other one is & you may believe you love that construct but it's a far cry from a conventional relationship. So slow isn't a bad thing.

Try giving her some space but also a safe place to talk about the EX. I literally fell in love with my husband when he picked me up off my living floor, pulled me into a hug & said that he understood why I was sad and that he had great big shoulders I was welcome to cry all over.

Come November, get back on track with your 1st meet.
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Old 12th October 2017, 10:57 AM   #5
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He's been gone for 13 years and they was together when he passed, they also have 3 kids together. So, you're saying the love we have for each other isn't real? Before all this she would text me all the time call me all the time now it's different. I feel like the love she has for me she put on hold for her deceased ex. Maybe I should give her space, but I worry and care about her so much. We've known each other a full year before we told each other how we feel about each other and she never did get like this when we was just friends. Maybe it's sympathy and I don't want to leave her, but it doesn't feel like sympathy I honestly never felt like this about any other female. There's just something about her that makes me attracted to her, but I'll give her space and try to set up that meet for a later day.
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Old 12th October 2017, 11:07 AM   #6
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Yes, I am saying that what you feel for each other is not real. It can't be real. You haven't met yet.


This isn't some random casual EX. This is the father of her children. She's never going to not be sad about his death -- NEVER! Now she is facing the holidays without her beloved partner. Granted 13 years is a long time but she was 21 when he died. At that point she already had 3 kids! Clearly they started young & she probably wasn't mature enough to handle being a single parent or being essentially a widow. Heaven knows I would not have been.


You came into her life in the Spring . . . a happy time with the pain of the holiday's behind her & the promise of warm sunshine & possibilities in front of her. Now the days are getting longer, it's the anniversary & his birthday. The pain & the loss hit her all over again.


Understand this will be a recurring pattern but all you can do is accept it or move on. You can't change it. You can't love her through it, especially from a distance. She's not going to get over it. Maybe if you were there you could offer a hug & be a physical comfort. But right now she doesn't want that. She probably feels like she's cheating on him because odds are if he didn't die, they might still be together.


This is a big mess & I highly doubt she will want anything to do with you until January. When I said November earlier I didn't realize that she already said a tough 3 months & I didn't know this was the father of her kids.


IMO you do yourself a disservice if you stick around until January because despite the passage of time, this woman is not ready to date. She picked an LDR on the internet so she could have her ego stroked, feel needed & not have to deal with an actual man. Sorry.
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Old 12th October 2017, 1:12 PM   #7
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She also has 3 more kids from a different guy she met after her ex bf passed. Maybe you're right I should just let her be and move on.
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Old 12th October 2017, 1:14 PM   #8
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Do you really want to play step daddy to 6 children?
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Old 12th October 2017, 7:34 PM   #9
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3 of them she lost them and the one's from her deceased ex live with his brother. And if they did stay with her I wouldn't mind being a step dad. I really do have this feeling for her and I don't know if she would want to just be friends cause she tells me she loves me, but she is going through a tough time right now. But I'm gonna slowly start distancing myself from her and see how that goes because I don't think I can just stop talking to her just like that. She's always there when I need someone to talk too she keeps me happy.
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Old 13th October 2017, 12:20 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnnybgood89 View Post
3 of them she lost them and the one's from her deceased ex live with his brother. And if they did stay with her I wouldn't mind being a step dad. I really do have this feeling for her and I don't know if she would want to just be friends cause she tells me she loves me, but she is going through a tough time right now. But I'm gonna slowly start distancing myself from her and see how that goes because I don't think I can just stop talking to her just like that. She's always there when I need someone to talk too she keeps me happy.

Lost them as in lost custody or they're gone, passed away?

Why aren't the other 3 kids staying with her?
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:10 AM   #11
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The ones from her deceased ex she didn't have nowhere to stay so his brother said he would take his niece and nephews in while she found a place and got herself together. The ones from her ex she lost custody of them. I honestly care for her and love her, but some think I just feel sorry for her because of what she went through. I do want to meet her and be with her, but I don't know if I'm up to her putting her love for me on hold for her deceased ex every year I know it must be really hard for her.
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Old 13th October 2017, 7:43 AM   #12
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The more you post about her, the less likely it seems that she would be a good prospect. She has an awful lot of personal stuff to address before she can ever be ready to date. When you date somebody it should not be a fixer-upper situation.

The best thing you can do for yourself is date a woman more local who is whole & healthy.
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:14 PM   #13
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How do I just stop talking her? Everyday I wake up first thing I do is text her or call her or sometimes we fall asleep on the phone the night before. I do want to move on, but it just seems so hard cause this whole year all I known to do was talk to her everyday. She does say she wants to be with me and only me, but at the same time it could be she's just used to talking to me everyday also, but I do have feelings for her. When we first started talking I told her I was just looking to make friends and nothing more and she agreed on that, but the more we kept talking the more we started getting feelings for each other. I did try to stop, but she kept telling me open my heart to her and let her in and when I finally did that's when we started this relationship and now she wants to take it slow after I let her in my heart.
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:00 PM   #14
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Johnny: I have been in your shoes and this woman will never meet you.

When people get in those online romances it's to compensate for something lacking in their life. It's often people in transitions, out of break-ups, disappointments of all kind like lost of job, etc. Suddenly they come across someone online and that person becomes a beautiful fantasy. Everything you don't know about this woman your brain has compensated by creating the most beautiful details. Of course she is amazing, she is the fruit of your imagination.

What is going on here is this woman never had the intention of meeting you. She got into this because it felt good and it distracted her from her real life problems and problems she's got !! Now she sees herself having to meet you soon so she's coming up with the story of her ex dying to delay meeting you. Next time it will be another excuse and another and another.

The man I was suppose to meet cancelled 5 TIMES over a year. Finally when I wouldn't believe his stories anymore he blew up over something trivial and ended our online relationship.

Because these relationships are the creation of our brains they are very hard to get over, I can attest it's harder to get over an online romance than over a real-life romance. It's like getting over an addiction. I cried for WEEKS. It took me a lot of strength to fight it back and to not go back.

You need to do it one day at a time. I used to tell myself 'do it one day at a time', 'lets just go through today', then before going to bed I would make a big X on my calendar to show I was able to go through another day without contacting him. I had read it takes about 3 weeks for our brain to build new pathways and to stop the 'missing' phase. It's true. It was not as hard after 3 weeks.

It's how you do it. You get busy, you do things you enjoy, you keep her out of your mind, you delete everything and you move on. Time will fix it all for you.
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Last edited by Gaeta; 13th October 2017 at 2:03 PM..
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Old 13th October 2017, 2:21 PM   #15
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I just take it one day at a time, but when if she keeps trying to contact me? And she has threatened to go away a couple times once when we was just friends and I told her go ahead, but she stayed and then she tried again when we got together she did again, but this time I begged her not too and she kept saying why or you don't care about me. I will try to take it one day at a time, I really do want someone I can love and hold.
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