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-   -   Boyfriend has zero possessiveness. Is this weird? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/636697-boyfriend-has-zero-possessiveness-weird)

babybrowns 5th October 2017 12:58 PM

Boyfriend has zero possessiveness. Is this weird?
 
Hello everyone,

I'm having a problem that's been bothering me for a while, I wonder if I could have some help/insight.

My LDR boyfriend of just over a year seems to have zero possessiveness over me. I don't want it to sound like I want him to be that 'jealous/controlling' boyfriend, but he doesn't even have the normal levels and it makes me wonder why.

If I ever tell him about other guys approaching me (which I don't do very much), he simply doesn't care and puts it down to 'they must have wanted something else'/ 'you must have looked lost so he spoke to you' 'your funny shoes made him look at you!'. Even when this happens right in front of him.

This one time, my boyfriend and I were in the train and this creepy guy was ogling me, my boyfriend had his back to him and when I told him about it he turned, saw that the man 'wasn't actually' looking and sarcastically said to me "I don't think he is..." and that was that.

The other thing is that my boyfriend actually encourages me to go on girls nights out, knowing that my social life is a little quiet. I don't know any guy who has even the slightest attraction for their girlfriend that would be so comfortable with something like that, let alone encourage it.

Does this all seem a bit like my partner doesn't find me much of a catch?

Whodatdog 5th October 2017 1:21 PM

You might want to re-read this thread you posted several months ago. Good answers here. Did you read these?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...about-anything

harrybrown 5th October 2017 1:21 PM

Have you ever thought of the nice compliment he gives you, that he trusts you?

Believe me, that is nice to have in a relationship that he trusts you.

when your SO gets upset and there was no intent, the drama makes things not as fun.

(definitely a mood killer) He also may be too trusting of people.

That will change, because getting burned by "friends" etc, makes you not so trusting.

I knew and worked with a co-worker, another man, for over 20 years. He stabbed me in the back, not with a knife, but with something that he did and I get sued. So I have to deal with the lawsuit, in time, attorney fees, loss or reputation, etc. Yes I explain it was something he did, but I still look like fool for thinking he was a good person for so long.

Enjoy your relationship. Hope soon he is not long distance.

d0nnivain 5th October 2017 1:24 PM

Jealousy & possessiveness do not equal love. They are actually negative characteristics.


Be happy he trusts you.

Zahara 5th October 2017 1:41 PM

I have to wonder if he knows you're trying to get a reaction out of him and he's smart enough not to play into it.

I have men look at me, approach me, etc. and I don't see a need to report it to my boyfriend when it happens.

When you have to do what you do, it smells of insecurity and immaturity -- specifically in your situation when it is clear you are trying to provoke a response.

Jealousy/possessiveness aren't healthy traits.

babybrowns 5th October 2017 2:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zahara (Post 7431340)
I have to wonder if he knows you're trying to get a reaction out of him and he's smart enough not to play into it.

I have men look at me, approach me, etc. and I don't see a need to report it to my boyfriend when it happens.

When you have to do what you do, it smells of insecurity and immaturity -- specifically in your situation when it is clear you are trying to provoke a response.

Jealousy/possessiveness aren't healthy traits.

This is the thing. Initially I never told him about these incidences, but due to other things building up my insecurity/ his indifferent reaction when I just told him about one such incident, it started building up. He has never been jealous and he never will be, even if a man is bothering me right in front of him. I just don't get it

d0nnivain 5th October 2017 2:16 PM

Why don't you understand that he's not jealous because there is no reason to be? He trusts you. He knows you are loyal so there is no reason for him to get all upset. That does not mean he's taking you for granted.

LovelyRose 5th October 2017 3:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by babybrowns (Post 7431316)
Hello everyone,

I'm having a problem that's been bothering me for a while, I wonder if I could have some help/insight.

My LDR boyfriend of just over a year seems to have zero possessiveness over me. I don't want it to sound like I want him to be that 'jealous/controlling' boyfriend, but he doesn't even have the normal levels and it makes me wonder why.

If I ever tell him about other guys approaching me (which I don't do very much), he simply doesn't care and puts it down to 'they must have wanted something else'/ 'you must have looked lost so he spoke to you' 'your funny shoes made him look at you!'. Even when this happens right in front of him.

This one time, my boyfriend and I were in the train and this creepy guy was ogling me, my boyfriend had his back to him and when I told him about it he turned, saw that the man 'wasn't actually' looking and sarcastically said to me "I don't think he is..." and that was that.

The other thing is that my boyfriend actually encourages me to go on girls nights out, knowing that my social life is a little quiet. I don't know any guy who has even the slightest attraction for their girlfriend that would be so comfortable with something like that, let alone encourage it.

Does this all seem a bit like my partner doesn't find me much of a catch?


Just be happy he has total trust in you.

You are LDR so he just wants you to enjoy life and have fun with your girls. My bf is the same way. He doesn't really get jealous. He encourages me to go have fun and relax (we are also LDR). If I tell him about guys hitting on me he just laughs and tease me more. He said that it's expected guys will hit on me or approach me because I'm beautiful. He would actually wonder if no guy will want me considering that I am an attractive woman. He said it's flattering for him because he's the lucky guy that I chose to be with knowing that I have options. He trusts me completely and knows I won't do anything stupid.

If you are telling your bf that some guy is bothering you and that it has negative effect on you like you're freaked out by it, then he should show some concern and comfort you. He should make sure you feel safe. But if you're just telling it to him like you just want to whine about it or make it sound like you're trying to get him jealous then I can understand why you won't get any reaction from him. If he trusts you and he's a confident guy, then he will for sure won't react. Plus whatever the case may be, he probably don't want to make you think he's insecure.

So don't focus on that. Focus on how he treats you overall. Does he make you happy and does he make you smile and laugh? This isn't an issue my dear. Relax and be happy you have a confident guy.

GemmaUK 6th October 2017 12:36 AM

Sounds like bliss to me, it would mean I could just get on with and enjoy the relationship in a healthy way.

But then I don't understand the need to report guys looking at you or anything to him, is that to get some kind of reaction?
It does sound like he is simply not going to play that game from his responses.

BaileyB 6th October 2017 7:28 AM

He trusts you. That's a sign of a healthy partner, and a healthy relationship.

Jealousy/possessivenes and a need to control are symptoms of a very unhealthy relationship.

simpleNfit 6th October 2017 12:25 PM

OP, your bf sounds like me.

Once I've established a healthy, exclusive relationship, I am confident enough in myself to 'let go' or 'freely' enjoy the relationship w/o adding any more angst than necessary. I suspect that your bf feels good about himself (and you) and enjoys being able go with the flow. Most secure guys/gals don't worry about the small stuff as they are aware of their own value and if anyone makes the mistake of doing something foolish, they are strong enough to move on knowing that the other person is the one who loses.

For now, I would chalk it up to confidence and security.

babybrowns 6th October 2017 3:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovelyRose (Post 7431429)
Just be happy he has total trust in you.

You are LDR so he just wants you to enjoy life and have fun with your girls. My bf is the same way. He doesn't really get jealous. He encourages me to go have fun and relax (we are also LDR). If I tell him about guys hitting on me he just laughs and tease me more. He said that it's expected guys will hit on me or approach me because I'm beautiful. He would actually wonder if no guy will want me considering that I am an attractive woman. He said it's flattering for him because he's the lucky guy that I chose to be with knowing that I have options. He trusts me completely and knows I won't do anything stupid.

If you are telling your bf that some guy is bothering you and that it has negative effect on you like you're freaked out by it, then he should show some concern and comfort you. He should make sure you feel safe. But if you're just telling it to him like you just want to whine about it or make it sound like you're trying to get him jealous then I can understand why you won't get any reaction from him. If he trusts you and he's a confident guy, then he will for sure won't react. Plus whatever the case may be, he probably don't want to make you think he's insecure.

So don't focus on that. Focus on how he treats you overall. Does he make you happy and does he make you smile and laugh? This isn't an issue my dear. Relax and be happy you have a confident guy.

What you describe is what the deficiency is with my issues. My boyfriend has, unfortunately, never said I am beautiful, never complimented my appearance, and never makes me feel like he is the lucky guy who got a good catch. When I was feeling vulnerable that time on the train I was with him, he responded with sarcasm and disbelief rather than concern and willingness to make me feel safe. Some people would read that and ask me why I am with someone who doesn't make me feel desired, the truth is he is great in other ways. I think this is an issue that cannot be solved, I either take this as it is or leave it.

d0nnivain 6th October 2017 5:40 PM

His lack of jealousy or possessiveness isn't really your problem. I think by now you recognize that those aren't good / mature signs of caring. Your issue is that you aren't getting anything from him. In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. You are seeking negative reinforcement not because you erroneously think it's a good thing but because in the absence of positive affirmation from him, like any human being, you will seek out negative attention because that is often easier to come by. I'm not finding fault but with this new info in your latest post, I am encouraging you to take a cold hard look at what you have because it may very well be lacking.

babybrowns 7th October 2017 3:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by d0nnivain (Post 7432381)
His lack of jealousy or possessiveness isn't really your problem. I think by now you recognize that those aren't good / mature signs of caring. Your issue is that you aren't getting anything from him. In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. You are seeking negative reinforcement not because you erroneously think it's a good thing but because in the absence of positive affirmation from him, like any human being, you will seek out negative attention because that is often easier to come by. I'm not finding fault but with this new info in your latest post, I am encouraging you to take a cold hard look at what you have because it may very well be lacking.

Thanks for this insight. It does make some sense, I've never got that positive affirmation from him and so might be trying to look for it in this unhealthy way now which is still doing nothing. It is lacking, but as I said the rest of it is good, not something I want to throw away. Thank you though everyone for your help.

Chilli 8th October 2017 7:07 AM

Personally l think zero is a bit weird no matter how much he trusts ya.


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