Jump to content

Dirty talk shame


Recommended Posts

Hi

 

First time posting so in brief, here's the thing. I've been in a sort of relationship with someone online for the past couple years. We are both long term sick but we've come to know each other pretty well and spent so much time talking to each other. We've talked about being together when our health improves and even discussed living together.

 

We've always been pretty open with each other sexually, in whatever way we could be and I feel very close to him. We've had some problems in the past and we've only recently started to establish an 'understanding' that we both feel that this relationship is mutually exclusive. Not being able to be with him has been torture really. So anyway, he's pretty outspoken and sometimes doesn't think before he speaks. Part of my illness is brain fog and I just can't find the right words at times, for a long time I could barely speak at all. When I tried I used to end up in tears, it was almost like I'd had a stroke or something. It was very frustrating. Right now I'm pretty much confined to bed again and struggling with words and he's been pushing me sexually for a while. The will and the feelings are there but I sometimes struggle to execute and he asked me to describe a situation to him a few days ago. I tried but couldn't find my words and it didn't go very well. He ended up changing the subject and I was exhausted and wished I hadn't attempted to speak. Today he was describing a scenario to me and I told him he should write a story for me, thinking he would like to do that, then he told me he would because I wasn't very good at narrative. I asked him why he said that and he said "because you've tried before". I felt pretty crushed really and I told him. He tried to make light of it but didn't really attempt to take it back or make me feel any better.

 

It's basically destroyed my confidence and made me doubt if I could ever 'be' with him in person. He's always telling me how experienced he is because he's slept with a lot of girls and making fun of me because I've had less partners (I was in a long term relationship and tbh don't like to sleep around anyway). He says he's only teasing but it's all getting too much really. I've been so sick for so long, I haven't had sex in many years so my confidence is already quite low. I want him to encourage and support me but at the moment I feel judged, criticised and that there's a level of expectation that I just can't meet. I've told him that's how I feel but he just says I'm crashed and I'll feel better later. I don't think I will feel better about this.

 

 

I love him so much but I'm still feeling pretty crushed. I'm always asking him to be honest with me, I'm not sure he's grasped quite what I mean. I needed to vent. Am I over reacting?

 

I'd like to hear your thoughts. I'm feeling delicate so gentle opinions gratefully appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you ever spent time with him in person? I've always thought online relationships that don't turn into real life in the flesh visits shortly after meeting and where the participants don't have any solid plans or specific dates for one to move closer to the other, are more fantasy than anything.

 

If this online relationship helped you at one time and was a source of comfort when things were bad for you, that's great. However it's not helping or comforting you now. Why let someone who only exists online bring you down? You need to stay positive and focus on your health and getting better. If this online guy leaves you feeling crushed then maybe it's time to let it go.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally agree with Anika. This relationship has obviously brought you comfort during your illness, but if it leaves you feeling hurt and destroys your confidence - we'll, it's not serving you anymore.

 

And if I may, I simply can not imagine talking dirty with a man who I had never met in person. You may think that you know this man, but until you meet in person and spend time together - we'll, you don't really know this man. And as such, it's not very wise to think about moving in with a man that you have not even met in person. It's always best to take your time to really get to know someone - in person - before making major life decisions like moving in together or marrying.

 

I can certainly appreciate how frustrating it is to have a chronic illness and how isolating it can feel when you are unable to leave home. I hope you are feeling stronger soon. Best wishes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd like to hear your thoughts. I'm feeling delicate so gentle opinions gratefully appreciated.

Hi Fluffysox,

 

First of all, if you're talking about someone you've never met, I would strongly advise you not to say you LOVE him, in the sense of a real life partner, because you don't really know him. When interaction is virtual (not in person), you can only know a side of him, a small part of who he really is. You can still get attached to him and love him as a friend. But other than that, you should refrain yourself to let anyone get into your life too deeply, as you don't really know who they are. You should be cautious.

 

That said, I think you need to consider your illness and the one affecting your partner, before thinking of engaging in a relationship with him.

I know love knows no bounds, but you need to protect yourself in your situation, which is not a standard/typical situation.

Having experienced couple dynamics where one of the two has a serious illness, I must say that you need to think twice before choosing to get into a relationship with someone else who is also ill. This is easily explained. When you're ill, you usually need the support of a partner, who can bring you comfort and sort of take care of you, and be there for you. But when the other person is also ill, they might be putting themself first, prioritizing their own needs, and in short not only not being able to be good for you, but not even willing to. This is a true scenario. Very possible.

 

So if you've never met him, try to let him go and establish real relationships with people you can relate to in the flesh. If you've met him in real life, but he's just as ill as you are, make sure that you can take turns at supporting each other. If he says he's not sure he can or unsure about what he can give you, let him go, as the basis for a relationship is not there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Caramelpopcorn

Could you be overreacting to a mindless word he said randomly though? Not everything we say is exactly well thought so he could have misspoke?

 

Also what if you're bad at sexual narrative!? That's hardly a judge of how sexual you are. Is it easier if you text instead of talk so you've more time to think?

 

Honestly I think he just got stupid and said it without much thinking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh Fluffy..I want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry about everything you've had to go through! Please stop talking to this guy and join a new support group. He's taking advantage of someone who feels understandably vulnerable and you don't deserve to be spoken to like this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can say I love you to someone you never touch, felt, kiss or hold yet? Think about it. Doesn't that sound more like a dream, not real, or wait a fantasy lover, something you made up in your head. Words of text and not words of direct in your face communication is not what you have here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think he sounds very nice or caring. I think he sounds like if he can't get what he wants from you, which is online sex, then he turns against you. So I wouldn't hang any high hopes on this guy because he's probably worse in person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...