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Partner Demeans Others 24/7


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Alright, so I have been messaging w/ a guy for a few months now, who lives on the other side of the country.

 

I feel as though there is definitely an attraction… but I have never met the guy in real life! Last week, he messaged me out of nowhere that he “feels like he interacts with me/comments on stuff too much for someone he doesn’t know in real life”.

 

We met in a forum about politics, so I responded with “Lol, I agree, but it’s really fun discoursing with you”… he then proceeded to say, “I feel like I interact with too many avatar-people I’ve never met in real life these days”.

 

How do I interpret this? Yes I know, I’m in love with a guy I have never met in person and I realize the repercussions. Am I being desperate? Is there meaning to his aforementioned message? He still messages me everyday with playful banter. How do I move the relationship forward when he lives so far away?

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He's making it clear to you that you are one of many people who's conversations he enjoys online. He's also telling you that you're just a friend and to not expect anything to come of this. He's probably also telling you that he'd prefer to scale back the amount of contact you have.

 

There is no relationship and there isn't the option of moving anything forward. He's just a random guy to chat with.

 

Sorry.

Edited by basil67
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Both basil67 and rushed have a point. In one shot, he let you know that 1) he's talking to many online/virtual buddies", aka people he never met IRL and 2) that the pace of interaction he kept with you won't be sustainable for him in the long run and he thinks is not even healthy (that's inbetween the lines, but it's my feeling).

 

When he made his statement (“I feel like I interact with too many avatar-people I’ve never met in real life these days”), that was your chance to show you were not one of them, and that you care. But you didn't. He's like a kid in front of too many candies who's only thinking right now that his teeth will get rotten if he gives it just a little thought. Should the right healthier and supertasty candy come up, he'd be all for it. Just my impression. We don't know if he's available for real, and totally. But he might be (regardless of what he said to you).

You can now wait for his next comment on the topic, or take the situation in your hands and mention what he said in your next conversation. Like:

you know, I happened to think about what you said last time [mention statement] and it totally makes sense. Being virtual buddies forever might be the silly thing to do, and I'm not even sure it's in our best interest. I love talking to you. What do you think about meeting for real?

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He's letting you know that if he gets some real life action he's going to kick you to the curb.

 

But he may never get that.

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HarmonyDriven
How do I move the relationship forward when he lives so far away?

 

You meet in real life.

 

You make it happen.

 

If not, then other posters are correct, there is no relationship and he is just a random guy you chat with.

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My LDR demeans other women constantly. Constantly complaining that most women these days are "sluts" and "whores" and a variety of other things (ie. sometimes refers to people who have lower-income jobs as "worthless", and always points out people he views as "ugly"). He doesn't say it to their face... he just complains about it to me.

 

He has never done the same to me... he sometimes makes fun of me for being a "good girl" and always says he appreciates how conservative I am. But I wonder, is there anything I should know about this type of man? Is it a sign that if we ever get into a fight one day, will he likely hurl this same abuse at me?

 

He is of Persian origin, grew up in Canada, and I sometimes wonder if it is a cultural thing? Either way it makes me weary of him, but so far he has been nothing but kind to me.

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Oh, don't worry, if he imagines most women are that way, he'll think you are too soon enough. He's messed up. You don't need this in your life. He hates women

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somanymistakes

It's only a cultural thing if you believe he belongs to the culture of Jerk.

 

He feels this way about women in general, he'll say the same thing about you when you slip up and displease him, or he gets tired of you.

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Some of us can all be a bit snarky in comments about others - but sounds vary harsh and in appropriate. He is saying this only to you right ? Again a little snarky is okay but do you really want to be with someone who shames and demeans others - women, or working poor ? Kindness and compassion are better traits to find in a partner.

 

I would probably be prejudiced if I claimed some middle eastern male cultures are harsh on women and their freedoms , but I can claim that my Canadian relatives are very polite.

Edited by dichotomy
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No he is just a cynical person. You should not invest in someone who looks at the world in such a negative manner. Most of the time they are the actual loser, not the ones he complains about.

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He will probably be kind, as long as you don't cross him. His opinion of women and many other people is very clear. He will easily turn this abusive language (and possibly behavior, since you are in his life) onto you, should he feel that you aren't meeting his misogynistic standards.

 

 

Part of this is cultural, inculcated by his family. If you meet his parents, you will probably see that they share his attitudes. I wouldn't find his attitude acceptable, but of course you need to decide for yourself.

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Why would you even want to be with someone like him? He's likely "kind" to you because you haven't crossed him yet. But come the time when you've become familiar, he will be the same with you.

 

You can't be a kind person one day and an unkind person the next. His true nature is the latter. He just hasn't unleashed it on you yet.

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Your day is coming.

 

You're female, therefore, you fall under the same categories as these other women... it's just that he's with you and as long as he is, saying those things about you reflects badly on him because why did he choose you then, you know? But the moment you break up with him? Girl...

 

It's really sad when the advice you're being given is "don't cross him". This is a guy who, the first time he said that, you should have left him where he was and called Uber to give you a lift home, if you didn't drive. That you stuck around means on some level, you agree with him. Like attracts like.

 

I'm betting he's really not that much of a prize. Is he a practicing muslim?

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ok, i'm going to be straight with you. this guy sounds awful. i'm not dismissing the times that he has been good to you but with the way he treats people and may eventually treat you in the future is very telling of how he is as a person. the title of your thread says it all, why would you want to be with a partner like that? "hi, this is my boyfriend and he's demeans others 24/7"

 

get out ASAP.

Edited by diddilybop
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Cookiesandough

He the one telling you you talk too much? It's just a matter of time before his vitriol turns to you, op. And being a jerk is not part of Persian culture as far as I am aware. Lose him!

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JuneJulySeptember
My LDR demeans other women constantly. Constantly complaining that most women these days are "sluts" and "whores" and a variety of other things (ie. sometimes refers to people who have lower-income jobs as "worthless", and always points out people he views as "ugly"). He doesn't say it to their face... he just complains about it to me.

 

He has never done the same to me... he sometimes makes fun of me for being a "good girl" and always says he appreciates how conservative I am. But I wonder, is there anything I should know about this type of man? Is it a sign that if we ever get into a fight one day, will he likely hurl this same abuse at me?

 

He is of Persian origin, grew up in Canada, and I sometimes wonder if it is a cultural thing? Either way it makes me weary of him, but so far he has been nothing but kind to me.

 

How old are you guys? I think part of it is age.

 

I remember when I was in college, one of my good buddies used to do that all the time.

 

He'd forever be commenting on how so and so is ugly and we'd be watching TV and he'd say stuff like, "I'm torn between liking XXX because he's such a good actor and disliking him because he's ugly." I doubt he's as bad now.

 

I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I almost never call anybody ugly, either people I meet in real life, or anybody I see on TV. I also do not call out who I find attractive very often. But that's just me. I hear other people do it all the time.

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Constantly complaining that most women these days are "sluts" and "whores" and a variety of other things (ie. sometimes refers to people who have lower-income jobs as "worthless", and always points out people he views as "ugly")

 

For me, this would be an absolute dealbreaker.

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somanymistakes
How old are you guys? I think part of it is age.

 

I remember when I was in college, one of my good buddies used to do that all the time.

 

He'd forever be commenting on how so and so is ugly and we'd be watching TV and he'd say stuff like, "I'm torn between liking XXX because he's such a good actor and disliking him because he's ugly." I doubt he's as bad now.

 

I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I almost never call anybody ugly, either people I meet in real life, or anybody I see on TV. I also do not call out who I find attractive very often. But that's just me. I hear other people do it all the time.

 

If it were just commenting on people's attractiveness it wouldn't be so worrying, lots of people snark about looks.

 

It's that combined with the sluts-and-whores stuff that make it sound like he is generally nasty IMO

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JuneJulySeptember
If it were just commenting on people's attractiveness it wouldn't be so worrying, lots of people snark about looks.

 

 

It's all what your cup of tea is.

 

One of the reasons I like my girlfriend is because we almost never get into discussions about how ugly or good looking people are and who is in whose league or who is lucky to have who. Just about never.

 

If people like it, then it's OK for their partner to do it. I'm guessing OP has a problem with it 'cuz she pointed it out.

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It shows the way he thinks and that he has an unpleasant judgemental mind. I would find it a complete turn-off and would not trust someone like that. I think your heart is telling you something here.

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My LDR demeans other women constantly. Constantly complaining that most women these days are "sluts" and "whores" and a variety of other things (ie. sometimes refers to people who have lower-income jobs as "worthless", and always points out people he views as "ugly"). He doesn't say it to their face... he just complains about it to me.

 

He has never done the same to me... he sometimes makes fun of me for being a "good girl" and always says he appreciates how conservative I am. But I wonder, is there anything I should know about this type of man? Is it a sign that if we ever get into a fight one day, will he likely hurl this same abuse at me?

 

He is of Persian origin, grew up in Canada, and I sometimes wonder if it is a cultural thing? Either way it makes me weary of him, but so far he has been nothing but kind to me.

 

Seriously, why is that not a deal-breaker?

 

Even if he hasn't demeaned you personally, why would you tolerate someone with such bigoted views towards your own sex?

 

Would you tolerate a racist even if he never said anything racist to you?

 

He thinks people in low-wage jobs are "worthless?" Why do you want that kind of man in your life? Why?

 

I don't know if his behavior is specifically linked to his ethnicity, but Middle East men in general are extremely misogynistic. I wouldn't even consider dating someone from the Middle East unless they renounced their culture.

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He the one telling you you talk too much? It's just a matter of time before his vitriol turns to you, op. And being a jerk is not part of Persian culture as far as I am aware. Lose him!

 

It's true that being a jerk is not part of any culture. However, some cultures consider certain behaviors normal and even desirable, while we consider them "jerky." Misogyny is rampant in the Middle East. In every Middle East country (Israel excepted), women are legally second-class citizens.

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