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Am I Asking For Trouble?


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Lovelorn00

I'm about to buy a plane ticket to see a man who is really lighting up my anxiety, and I need a reality check. I'm a naturally anxious person, especially when it comes to dating. It's precisely why I took a much-needed break from it (hence my absence on the forums). I pick up on red flags that aren't there (according to my friends), because I'm constantly looking for ways to "prepare" myself for being let down and disappointed . This guy came out of nowhere (I definitely wasn't looking for it) - very sweet, very romantic, intelligent, attractive, seems to be very kind, driven, ambitious, and has values that align with my own. However, I'm starting to see signs that he may not be genuine. I've been down this road many, many times before, but I'm having a very hard time determining if the signs I'm seeing are actually red flags or if I'm just looking for ways to sabotage something that might actually be great. My friends say I'm NOTORIOUS for doing that, so I honestly don't know what to think. "Stop looking for ways to ruin this!" they always tell me. My gut has been right in the past, BUT... my friends seem to think my gut was right, because I was LOOKING for it to be right. I was LOOKING for ways to sabotage things, and I think there's a lot of truth to that.

 

Booking a flight to see a guy is something that I've never done before, but I want to see where this can go. I'm also in need of a fun vacation (I never go anywhere), and this seems like the perfect opportunity. However, the other part of me is desperately trying to screw this up. I don't know what to do.

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What are you finding to be red flags? You need to provide clarity in terms of what's causing you to question this guy.

 

Also, I would not show up unannounced. I don't think most would appreciate that. I'm guessing this trip has been planned between the two of you.

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Gr8fuln2020

I don't know your past experiences, so I ask a few questions.

 

1. You say that your gut has been right in the past, but your friends say that is b/c you were looking for them. My question is, did past relationships engage in activity that your gut was warning you about? If so, your friend are wrong. If not, well, we know what that means, right?

 

2. Go on your badly needed vacation, but DO NOT make it solely to meet this guy, this total stranger. Make plans to do other things that are of interest in the city you are visiting. If things deteriorate, at least you have a planned out vacation to turn to. If things go well, adjust as needed.

 

Good luck.

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I'm about to buy a plane ticket to see a man who is really lighting up my anxiety, and I need a reality check. I'm a naturally anxious person, especially when it comes to dating. It's precisely why I took a much-needed break from it (hence my absence on the forums). I pick up on red flags that aren't there (according to my friends), because I'm constantly looking for ways to "prepare" myself for being let down and disappointed . This guy came out of nowhere (I definitely wasn't looking for it) - very sweet, very romantic, intelligent, attractive, seems to be very kind, driven, ambitious, and has values that align with my own. However, I'm starting to see signs that he may not be genuine. I've been down this road many, many times before, but I'm having a very hard time determining if the signs I'm seeing are actually red flags or if I'm just looking for ways to sabotage something that might actually be great. My friends say I'm NOTORIOUS for doing that, so I honestly don't know what to think. "Stop looking for ways to ruin this!" they always tell me. My gut has been right in the past, BUT... my friends seem to think my gut was right, because I was LOOKING for it to be right. I was LOOKING for ways to sabotage things, and I think there's a lot of truth to that.

 

Booking a flight to see a guy is something that I've never done before, but I want to see where this can go. I'm also in need of a fun vacation (I never go anywhere), and this seems like the perfect opportunity. However, the other part of me is desperately trying to screw this up. I don't know what to do.

 

Is this the first time you're meeting this guy in person???? If so, you should be hesitant, that's for darn sure.

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Lovelorn00
What are you finding to be red flags? You need to provide clarity in terms of what's causing you to question this guy.

 

Also, I would not show up unannounced. I don't think most would appreciate that. I'm guessing this trip has been planned between the two of you.

 

Yes, the trip was planned between the two of us. He actually requested it. I need to use up some extra vacation days (that I would lose otherwise), so I said yes.

 

As far as the red flags, there are a few. They're VERY subtle, but these are things I've picked up on so far:

 

- He's VERY active on social media. There have been a couple of instances where he has taken forever to respond to a text (from me), yet he'll post on social media.

 

- I can't tell if he's genuinely interested in things going on in my life. He'll ask questions ("How was your day?", etc.), but he doesn't seem interested in actually talking about it. I feel like maybe he's just asking just to ask.

 

- On our last date together, he "forgot" that he had made plans with his family on the same day. We still got together and had a great time, but it wasn't until much later.

 

- Communication is waning a bit, and I can sense the slightest (very slight) beginnings of a pull-back.

 

I know these are pretty subtle "pink" flags, but they're enough to make me feel anxious about things.

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Lovelorn00
I don't know your past experiences, so I ask a few questions.

 

1. You say that your gut has been right in the past, but your friends say that is b/c you were looking for them. My question is, did past relationships engage in activity that your gut was warning you about? If so, your friend are wrong. If not, well, we know what that means, right?

 

2. Go on your badly needed vacation, but DO NOT make it solely to meet this guy, this total stranger. Make plans to do other things that are of interest in the city you are visiting. If things deteriorate, at least you have a planned out vacation to turn to. If things go well, adjust as needed.

 

Good luck.

 

1. Yes. I think? Whenever I would find these "red flags" my friends would usually take the guy's side in order to try to get me to see things from a different perspective. A more positive perspective. Obviously, these guys ended it with me, so I never really knew if my gut was warning me about future behaviors of if I was just being crazy.

 

2. Yes, I've tried to think of it that way. I DO want to visit the city where he lives (temporarily), as it seems like a beautiful place, and I've never been. I will fill up my days with activities that don't solely revolve around hanging out with him. But honestly, there are so many other places I could spend my vacation, if it turns out my gut is right about him, ya know?

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If you are an anxious person then why are you attempting a long distance relationship? LDR's require a lot of trust and maintenance. You have trust issues so this is something you shouldn't be getting into.

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I'm asking this by thinking that sometimes the best way to let go of anxiety is to think through the possibilities:

 

What's the worst case scenario here? What are you afraid of?

 

In my opinion: worst case scenario: you go, you two or one of the two of you find out in person that you aren't compatible. You leave. You heal.

 

 

Just make sure you have fall back plans: are you staying at a hotel?

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lovelorn

 

 

Not one of those things is a problem. How much he posts on social media is not an indicator of anything other then maybe free time or an addiction to social media.

 

 

How fast he gets back to you is another non issue. He does get back to you. End of discussion.

 

 

He IS asking about your day. What else do you want? This is you doing the classic mind reading thing. Your anxiety & insecurity is saying he can't be interested even though the empirical evidence -- him inquiring -- is right there.

 

 

There is no pull back except in your head. You are self sabotaging. This will end if you accuse him of any of this stuff because it's all made up. He'll run because you are showing him the crazy. Be more confident & things will be just fine. Continue this pattern & it will be over because you & your paranoia pushed him away.

 

 

The plans he forgot with his family, that was a mistake. He wanted to see you & he rearranged things so he could see you. that shows effort & desire. It's a good sign. Your anxiety is trying to fool you into thinking its a bad sign.

 

 

How you got all this so mixed up in your head I don't know. Stop! This is all you. There are red flags here alright but they all scream that he should be cautious to date you because you expect him to fix what is broken in you. Cut it out!

 

 

Make the plane reservation. Leave your emotional baggage at home & nurture this relationship. Get some real therapy not just friends & LS to get to the root of why you keep repeating this self destructive pattern.

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Lovelorn00
If you are an anxious person then why are you attempting a long distance relationship? LDR's require a lot of trust and maintenance. You have trust issues so this is something you shouldn't be getting into.

 

I have anxiety issues, in particular, in the beginning stages of dating. I guess my thinking goes something like this: the way I've been going about relationships my whole life hasn't been working for me (clearly), so why not take a chance and just go for it? There are two sides of me battling it out here - one side just wants to scream, "YOLO!" and see where this goes. The other side is anxious and cautious. Maybe it's more about trying to strike a balance instead of completely going with one side.

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Lovelorn00
I'm asking this by thinking that sometimes the best way to let go of anxiety is to think through the possibilities:

 

What's the worst case scenario here? What are you afraid of?

 

In my opinion: worst case scenario: you go, you two or one of the two of you find out in person that you aren't compatible. You leave. You heal.

 

 

Just make sure you have fall back plans: are you staying at a hotel?

 

Worst-case scenario is that I lose (what I perceived to be) a great guy (not to mention the $$ I'll spend on travel costs). The healing part is what makes me nervous. It takes me forever to heal from these things, and the process is brutal.

 

But... at the end of the day, the reality is that all relationships must come to an end at some point, whether it's by breakup or death.

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Lovelorn00
lovelorn

 

 

Not one of those things is a problem. How much he posts on social media is not an indicator of anything other then maybe free time or an addiction to social media.

 

 

How fast he gets back to you is another non issue. He does get back to you. End of discussion.

 

 

He IS asking about your day. What else do you want? This is you doing the classic mind reading thing. Your anxiety & insecurity is saying he can't be interested even though the empirical evidence -- him inquiring -- is right there.

 

 

There is no pull back except in your head. You are self sabotaging. This will end if you accuse him of any of this stuff because it's all made up. He'll run because you are showing him the crazy. Be more confident & things will be just fine. Continue this pattern & it will be over because you & your paranoia pushed him away.

 

 

The plans he forgot with his family, that was a mistake. He wanted to see you & he rearranged things so he could see you. that shows effort & desire. It's a good sign. Your anxiety is trying to fool you into thinking its a bad sign.

 

 

How you got all this so mixed up in your head I don't know. Stop! This is all you. There are red flags here alright but they all scream that he should be cautious to date you because you expect him to fix what is broken in you. Cut it out!

 

 

Make the plane reservation. Leave your emotional baggage at home & nurture this relationship. Get some real therapy not just friends & LS to get to the root of why you keep repeating this self destructive pattern.

 

Thanks, d0nnivain - I think you're right about all of the above. These are such little things that I've twisted around in my head to become bigger "red flags." I've been in actual therapy for years, but I'm considering switching therapists. My current one recommended anxiety medication, but I don't really feel like that's getting to the root of the problem.

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Thanks, d0nnivain - I think you're right about all of the above. These are such little things that I've twisted around in my head to become bigger "red flags." I've been in actual therapy for years, but I'm considering switching therapists. My current one recommended anxiety medication, but I don't really feel like that's getting to the root of the problem.

 

 

Anxiety medication won't fix the root of the problem but it will quiet the white noise in your head so you can get to the root of the problem. But it may be time to change therapists. Some times you get to a point where you just need a fresh approach.

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My main concern is have you even met him before? If not I'd be anxious, too, going to a strange city to meet a strange man. I mean, there are human trafficking operations everywhere. Can you avoid getting into a car with him at least? Or have you met before?

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Lovelorn00
My main concern is have you even met him before? If not I'd be anxious, too, going to a strange city to meet a strange man. I mean, there are human trafficking operations everywhere. Can you avoid getting into a car with him at least? Or have you met before?

 

Hi, preraph - yes, we've met before. We spent quite a bit of time together while he was in my city.

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Lovelorn00

So, it just happened again. He posted to social media, but I've not heard from him at all today. My immediate emotional reaction is disappointment, like a heavy feeling deep in my stomach. Why am I like this??? It's so irritating. How can I stop caring so much about this?

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Posting on social media is brainless. It requires no effort. Trying to talk to the person you are dating, especially when relatively new, is more difficult. Everyone puts pressure on themselves -- did I say the right thing? does he/she like me? am I a jerk / dork?

 

 

His social media habits have nothing to do with you. You probably need to unfollow him.

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So, it just happened again. He posted to social media, but I've not heard from him at all today. My immediate emotional reaction is disappointment, like a heavy feeling deep in my stomach. Why am I like this??? It's so irritating. How can I stop caring so much about this?

 

Easy answer: by not looking at his social media.

 

Harder answer: by focusing on the other good things in your life that aren't him.

 

Dating anxiety is often a way to stay focused on a strong source of feel good chemicals. The issue is that in the beginning stages, (and especially being LDR), no one can provide the amount of attention your focus requires. So basically by focusing on him you start jonesing for a hit. Think of it like an addiction.

 

The trick is to distract yourself. To recognize that part of your anxiety stems from your desire to think about him. And then to do whatever healthy thing you can to think about something else.

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Your resentment of his spending time posting on social media sounds like jealousy to me. You seem to think that his first priority should be to correspond with you, and then he can do the other stuff he wants to do.

 

What you really seem to want in a man is someone who will cater to your neediness. Two things spring to mind:

 

-- maybe you're not quite there yet with this guy... maybe you should cool your jets on being the first thing he does every day

 

-- how do you tell somebody that this is what you want? I want you to text me every morning when you get up and every night, right before you fall asleep. I want you to be the first person you contact when you do your social media thing. I want immediate text responses, no longer than 10 minutes reply time. I want deep and meaningful conversations about how my day went. I want you to rearrange your family obligation when you double book your time with me. I need this from you to feel secure.

 

I don't know how you stop wanting that enough to assume that things are wrong if you're not getting it.

 

Maybe what you really need an overly insecure boyfriend who feels he's got to deliver all that attention to you every day lest you forget him.

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Lovelorn00
Posting on social media is brainless. It requires no effort. Trying to talk to the person you are dating, especially when relatively new, is more difficult. Everyone puts pressure on themselves -- did I say the right thing? does he/she like me? am I a jerk / dork?

 

 

His social media habits have nothing to do with you. You probably need to unfollow him.

 

Good point, and I've never really thought about it that way. Thank you so very much for this perspective. Personally, I put a lot of pressure on the way that I respond, so yeah... I can totally see that.

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Lovelorn00
Easy answer: by not looking at his social media.

 

Harder answer: by focusing on the other good things in your life that aren't him.

 

Dating anxiety is often a way to stay focused on a strong source of feel good chemicals. The issue is that in the beginning stages, (and especially being LDR), no one can provide the amount of attention your focus requires. So basically by focusing on him you start jonesing for a hit. Think of it like an addiction.

 

The trick is to distract yourself. To recognize that part of your anxiety stems from your desire to think about him. And then to do whatever healthy thing you can to think about something else.

 

This is spot-on, and yes - it does feel like a very, very intense addiction. Last night, out of desperation, I even Googled "how to naturally decrease oxytocin in the body" last night, that's how bad it is.:lmao: I feel like the chemicals in my body are betraying me right now... I've lost control, and it does not feel good.

 

This is going to take a lot of work, but I'm prepared to do it. Before I met him, I was really focused on fitness and health. Tonight, I will continue that, and focus on a great workout session. I probably need to go ahead and plan the rest of my week/weekend out so that I'm not caught with idle time, during which I would probably spend obsessing about him.

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Lovelorn00
Your resentment of his spending time posting on social media sounds like jealousy to me. You seem to think that his first priority should be to correspond with you, and then he can do the other stuff he wants to do.

 

What you really seem to want in a man is someone who will cater to your neediness. Two things spring to mind:

 

-- maybe you're not quite there yet with this guy... maybe you should cool your jets on being the first thing he does every day

 

-- how do you tell somebody that this is what you want? I want you to text me every morning when you get up and every night, right before you fall asleep. I want you to be the first person you contact when you do your social media thing. I want immediate text responses, no longer than 10 minutes reply time. I want deep and meaningful conversations about how my day went. I want you to rearrange your family obligation when you double book your time with me. I need this from you to feel secure.

 

I don't know how you stop wanting that enough to assume that things are wrong if you're not getting it.

 

Maybe what you really need an overly insecure boyfriend who feels he's got to deliver all that attention to you every day lest you forget him.

 

I do think there's a little bit of jealousy sprinkled in there, yes, but I think it's mainly insecurity and fear. There's a part of me that finds it hard to believe that someone this great would ever be romantically interested in me, so my brain tries to find ways to prove it. Totally messed up, I know.

 

But you're right - why am I expecting him to make me such a priority in his life so soon? Honestly, if he had, that probably would've scared me away as well. Another part of it is that I'm looking for cracks/inconsistencies in his behavior to save myself from possible heartache. He tells me he thinks about me all the time. To my crazy brain, that means he should be contacting me often, throughout the day. My brain tells me that his actions aren't matching his sweet words, so it considers that a red flag and a reason to flee.

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I do think there's a little bit of jealousy sprinkled in there, yes, but I think it's mainly insecurity and fear. There's a part of me that finds it hard to believe that someone this great would ever be romantically interested in me, so my brain tries to find ways to prove it. Totally messed up, I know.

 

But you're right - why am I expecting him to make me such a priority in his life so soon? Honestly, if he had, that probably would've scared me away as well. Another part of it is that I'm looking for cracks/inconsistencies in his behavior to save myself from possible heartache. He tells me he thinks about me all the time. To my crazy brain, that means he should be contacting me often, throughout the day. My brain tells me that his actions aren't matching his sweet words, so it considers that a red flag and a reason to flee.

To be fair, he probably is holding back on you a little, so that he doesn't scare you away. The hardest part of an LDR is the ongoing communication. First, you guys don't know each other all that well. It's a problem trying to learn about the other, and you have to go painfully slowly. He doesn't get to see the expressions on your face when he says things to you. There are a million ways to phrase the same idea, but he doesn't know which way will make you take it to the extreme good, to the extreme bad or the way he means it. Someone earlier wrote that LDR's are tough enough without the added baggage of anxiety and relationship neurosis.

 

I think she was right. It's hard to tread carefully all the time. Being face to face allows you to get in a groove that emails and texts and posts simply do not.

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Lovelorn00
To be fair, he probably is holding back on you a little, so that he doesn't scare you away. The hardest part of an LDR is the ongoing communication. First, you guys don't know each other all that well. It's a problem trying to learn about the other, and you have to go painfully slowly. He doesn't get to see the expressions on your face when he says things to you. There are a million ways to phrase the same idea, but he doesn't know which way will make you take it to the extreme good, to the extreme bad or the way he means it. Someone earlier wrote that LDR's are tough enough without the added baggage of anxiety and relationship neurosis.

 

I think she was right. It's hard to tread carefully all the time. Being face to face allows you to get in a groove that emails and texts and posts simply do not.

 

It definitely is hard, which is why he's convinced me to FaceTime more. I never did it before, but I'm getting more comfortable with it, because I know it's necessary. It's also why I really want to take the trip to see him. Being around each other physically will help me to determine if there's really something there worth pursuing.

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I've been using this forum for a while now, and posting here has helped me learn quite a bit about myself and how I approach relationships. For example, it was here that I learned about anxious and avoidant attachment styles, and that information really helped me to recognize that I have an anxious attachment style.

 

I've somehow found myself in a long-distance relationship with (what seems to be) a pretty great guy. We talk every day, and I recently made a trip to visit him. Since I've returned home, though, my anxiety has been through the rough... worse than it's ever been. I'm having panic attacks daily. It's starting to manifest itself into physical pain (intense headaches, back aches). It's affecting my daily life so much, that I've finally decided to take the plunge and seek professional help so that I can begin taking medication.

 

I want to be honest with him and let him know what's going on, but I don't know how to bring this up with him. I don't want to scare him off, but I really think he should be made aware.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions or ways I can broach the subject without freaking him out?

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