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5 year LD relationship over


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Hi,

 

my ex decided to end things on may 27th, she claimed i was not doing enough exercise with her or outdoor activities...

 

I started to see flags like 1 month before she broke up. But are these true reasons a woman will dump her guy ? i don't believe so.

The day of the breakup, she texted me she wanted a break, then i get to her house an hour later, and all my stuff is packed and she says it's over. She tells me she felt like we became roommates in the end and lost her feelings and she also felt like she was choking and needed space.

 

Then she sees me get emotional and she says let's take a break and see each other once a week and talk once a day on phone. Then when the day for doing activity came, she said we would meet somewhere to walk our dog with separate cars and we would have to leave at 6pm...

 

When i heard her say this, i changed my mind and said to myself ok she wants to do this on her terms, it's not going to work. So i told her i prefer not texting, calling, or seeing her, i wanted a real break with no contact.

 

She was reluctant at the begining, but then a few hours later texted me and said ok, and sent me a kiss. She said let's do this and call each other on july 2nd after the break.

 

July 2nd came and we did not call each other... on july 20th she spoke with one of my family members and told them she was expecting my call...

 

Why is she expecting my call if she the one who wanted to break up in the first place ?

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reads like she lives next door

 

 

 

"Why is she expecting my call if she the one who wanted to break up in the first place ?"

 

I'm sure others will take a stab at this. My guess is....she misses you...but not so much she wants it back the way it was....at least not yet...if ever

 

btw and fwiw....every break up post ask this question.

 

You really need to ask her....unless you're truly done with her for good. Be forewarned....could be painful to talk. Just getting dumped every time you talk gets....painful and old after a while.

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Nice job not excepting her bread crumb's though it woke her up a bit.

But anyway ,think she's already told ya , needs some space , wants to do more stuff, sounds like she's on her way out sorry. .

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reads like she lives next door

 

 

 

"Why is she expecting my call if she the one who wanted to break up in the first place ?"

 

I'm sure others will take a stab at this. My guess is....she misses you...but not so much she wants it back the way it was....at least not yet...if ever

 

btw and fwiw....every break up post ask this question.

 

You really need to ask her....unless you're truly done with her for good. Be forewarned....could be painful to talk. Just getting dumped every time you talk gets....painful and old after a while.

 

Well i will keep doing No contact, because it saved me from going crazy and calling and texting, i disappeared from her life like i promised her and she will have to experience what life is without me and meanwhile i will focus on myself and making every aspect of my life better.

 

If she has too much pride or wants me to chase her, i have news for her, i won't fall for her games and i won't accept to do things on her terms only.

It is extremely hard to block her out because sometimes i get thoughts of when the week end would come and i would go meet her at her house and spend time together, but she told me straight she was tired of the week end thing and wanted me to live with her.

 

I could not make the move right away because she lives in an area where there is very few jobs there and we both had financial problems. There was too many variables against us: Money, family, distance, work, also she was on cymbalta anti depressant and she changed a lot after taking it for a few years.

 

It also killed her libido and made the relationship weaker. Physical attraction kept going down until we had none in the last month.

 

I guess this was a doomed relationship and i must accept the facts and move on and not have any hopes of a reconciliation.

 

She told my family she wants to meet me one last time to get some things of hers but i don't know if i should see her in person again...

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Nice job not excepting her bread crumb's though it woke her up a bit.

But anyway ,think she's already told ya , needs some space , wants to do more stuff, sounds like she's on her way out sorry. .

 

It's ok man, sometimes in life you have to let go the ones you love, it's not a weakness, it is courage, and going full no contact for months and months is a sign of resiliency.

 

Like you said i don't take bread crumbs and don't accept to be a plan B or a safety net for her.

 

May this be an example for others going through this, do strict no contact and give her the radio silence. When they push you away and ask for space, do the same and push them away.

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HarmonyDriven

YES! Keep doing NO CONTACT. Best thing ever when break ups happen.

 

Think about it.....with these break ups (with the same person) your lives would never get back to the fun, loving relationship it used to be. The best you have with this person are all the wonderful memories you get to keep.

 

But now, it's time to move on and realize this woman IS not the right person for you. She never will be.

 

IMO, don't meet with her.....have friends handle any exchange of personal belongings. No contact is just that. Done.

 

Everyone has negative qualities.....this would be a great time to focus on her negatives and tell yourself - she did you a favor. Good luck :)

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YES! Keep doing NO CONTACT. Best thing ever when break ups happen.

 

Think about it.....with these break ups (with the same person) your lives would never get back to the fun, loving relationship it used to be. The best you have with this person are all the wonderful memories you get to keep.

 

But now, it's time to move on and realize this woman IS not the right person for you. She never will be.

 

IMO, don't meet with her.....have friends handle any exchange of personal belongings. No contact is just that. Done.

 

Everyone has negative qualities.....this would be a great time to focus on her negatives and tell yourself - she did you a favor. Good luck :)

 

You know what's funny, this morning i was having a dream of her and it was like a voice telling me, ''Forget her, she just wanted you to go work to pay her house mortgage'' and it's true she wanted me to move in with her while she works only 2 or 3 times a week and i would go work full time to pay for her house which my name is not even on the contract. She had financial issues and credit card debts.

 

Then i would be stuck with her on her terms and lose my apartment and if she would lose interest in me again she would kick me out again and i would not have a place to stay.

 

This is why i did not want to take this risk because i knew she was not 100% into me and it was a big risk to go live with her. She also could find someone wealthier than me while i was at work on her days off... I did not trust her, she lied to me a few times and told her family some secrets of ours.

 

Once trust is broken you can't go back.

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HarmonyDriven

See, problem solved - SHE did you a favor! You dodged a bullet.

 

While it may hurt from time to time, no contact is the way to go!

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You are right, it hurts from time to time, you have some days where you are glad you did no contact and then other days you wish you could have stayed in contact to try to save things, hoping they would change their mind if they kept seeing you.

 

She offered this to me, she said: i give you 1 month to show me you can be active again, and if you prove to me you can, then we can get back together.

 

I just did not believe this because, it takes more than a month to become a better version or yourself and it's done with no contact and lots of motivation and the will to really change and become better. She also wanted to meet in separate cars at another location than her home and with a curfew. Which i found very strange. Like she did not want to be seen with me around her house.

 

If you stick around your ex you won't be able to accomplish this, i am not overweight or anything, i am slim, but i have diabetes type 1.5 and the only reason i wasn't doing all the outdoor activities with her was because of the fact i could get hypoglycemia if i did too much without checking my blood sugar. In her case she was trying to lose weight, so the intensity of the exercises were pretty high on a daily basis.

 

I explained this to her many times, but she kept saying i was lazy and did not want to spend time with her. So for me just the fact that she was trying to change me, is enough to make me want it over. You should not have to change too many things about yourself just to be in a relationship. If the person loves you they will accept you the way you are.

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HarmonyDriven

Relationships take effort but overall it should be easy. It should not be difficult to have a loving relationship. If it feels like constant work, then best to let it go.

 

What you have described sounds exhausting.....it doesn't matter about who called who, or didn't call.....too much work.....time to move on. IMO, no contact is the way to go....time to heal.

 

Think about.....do you honestly think you two could get back to a loving, caring relationship? With everything you have noted......I don't think so, but that's just me. Good luck :)

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But who are you , yknow. if your happy with the way you do things and the things you like to do,then that's for you, not her way.

But things like if you do this and if you do that then bla bla, eff that buddy, you shouldn't have to do deals in this stuff , especially just to get the honor of paying off her house for her.

 

Your instincts are spot on, dreams and all,you not accepting the crap, all of it.

A person like this will usually only find other ways to hurt you in the end anyway no matter what you do.

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Another thing i did not mention, was the blame game she played on me.

 

Everything that went wrong in our relationship was always my fault.

 

Even her brother blamed me for the miscarriage she had the first year we were together. When in reality it was that at age 41 she only had 20 to 30% chance to have a baby.

 

''You are too negative, you are this, you are that...'' But all the good things i did for her she overlooked them. Only saw the negatives...

 

I am now free of this blame and what a relief.

I would be curious to see now what she will accomplish in her life without me...

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Just noticed today she has blocked me on facebook...

 

Why would she do this? It was an easy breakup, we did not fight or anything...

 

It's not like it's a big thing but, do you guys think maybe she was checking my page too often and had to block me so she not tempted ?

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Don't know. Why are you expecting hers?

 

Now be honest. Did you just waste her time by playing video games and ignoring her when you were together? And why weren't you willing to get outside and do things with her? It's not like she didn't try to let you know what was wrong and try to fix it, but yet you're blaming her.

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I only played video games when she was watching her girly shows on tv, which i wasn't interested in watching.

 

I was willing to go walk the dog with her, but in the end she wanted to go for very very long walks, i would get tired faster because i am diabetic and i could not go for super long walks, and she knew that, it's like if she was pushing my limits on purpose to test me.

 

I am not putting the blame only on her, i admit i am to blame too, i did some mistakes, but if the roles were inversed and it was my house, i would have had a good talk with her before kicking her out of the house with no explanation.

 

If you can't communicate and just act with your emotions without thinking, there is a serious problem.

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Well, I understand about getting tired quicker, but I'm also guessing you being diabetic is why she is pushing you to be active because exercise helps your blood glucose and so does losing weight, but even exercise without losing helps you. She probably just doesn't want to sit around and watch you decline, honestly.

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If i knew she was honest, i would have broken NC for her and try to get back with her, but i know she lied to me at least twice if not 3 times about some things, i caught her in a lie twice. She mentioned the name of a guy she met in a trail while walking the dogs and the guy had a wife walking with him.

 

I then checked the guys name in facebook and he happens to work in the same department as her at a medical clinic, i am suspecting she is seeing him and she broke up with me before i found out. She was also calling me with a blocked private number the last week we spoke, so i think she was calling him with the number blocked so his wife would not find out...

 

I told her ''why you calling me with a blocked number you never do that? are you calling a married man ? '' she said i watch too many movies... lol

 

I am not stupid i knew she was up to something sneaky. I could be wrong, but i have a gut feeling she was seeing this guy when she would go walk our dog in the woods on a trail.

 

What's also suspicious is i checked both their facebook, and they both have the friends list hidden, and my ex blocked me recently on facebook. But anyways , i am done doing all this checking and questioning, it will be 2 months of no contact in 2 days so whatever she does now with her life is none of my business.

 

Sooner or later the truth will come out anyway and i will know if i was right or wrong.

I will also have clarity and closure and know that she faked her love for me and it wasn't authentic, i felt she was distant at times and she wasn't very romantic or affectionate, hot and cold all the time, it didn't feel genuine. It was like i had to get her a bottle of wine on friday nights to get her to open up with me or else she remained cold. This really ended up frustrating me at times and i said to myself is she ever going to be more affectionate ? or will i have to get her drunk to make her appreciate me. Now i am seeing this 2 months later after the breakup and it is an eye opener. Don,t want to be with a woman who doesn't feel 100% into me.

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HarmonyDriven

Maybe the ex-girlfriend is trying to do No Contact with you.....

 

Seriously, who cares if she blocked you from FaceBook. You need not care anymore....no contact....

 

Recovering from break ups take time, give yourself some time but stay away from anything and everything that reminds you of her.

====

 

Just read your 6:39pm post, even more reason why you need NO CONTACT; more reason she is not the right person for you, nor you for her.

Gotta move on......let it go. Yes, it will be hard. But it sounds like she has a lot of negatives that you can think about which should speed up your break up recovery.

Edited by HarmonyDriven
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Thank you Harmony,

 

I try everyday to not think about it, i made some progress, when i wake up now i think of breakfast and coffee, not her. lol.

 

I also think of good positive thoughts but i can't help it sometimes i get flashbacks of when i would leave on friday afternoons to go join her and this is the hardest part to forget.

 

I will never get into another long distance relationship because the breakups of these are extremely painful because we had high hopes of living together one day and now these are all gone with the wind.

 

We also tried to have a baby and she lost it back in 2012. We wanted to get married too and that hurts. This has to be the worst summer in my life. It will take time for me to forget this, it feels like a nightmare that won't end.

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HarmonyDriven

She was a major part of your life and there will always be wonderful memories of your relationship. But, the relationship ran its course and now its over.

 

That's how simple it should be. The hard part is moving on and that's what time is for. With no contact and time passage, it gets easier.

 

The great thing about the mind is YOU choose what to think about.....good or bad.

 

For example, if you are listening to a song that reminds you of her, and this makes you sad, turn off the music and remember how poorly she treated you which should help you realize you are better off without her.

 

We all have faults. One way I find that helps with getting over exes is focusing on their faults. It makes me smile that I don't have to deal with those faults any longer.

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I got tired of the pets, i had dog hair all over my clothes, and the lovebirds would poop on my shirts when she would let them out of their cages.

 

Also we never had eggs for breakfast cause she was allergic and i had to deal with very loud snoring at night, it would wake me up often.

 

there i found a lot of negatives in a few phrases...

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Yes,

 

i am relieved for all those negatives, i do not have to deal with any longer, there are also many others i did not mention,

 

- She was french and only watched tv and movies in french, and movies translated in french are terrible.

- She had a lot of problems with her house and i was stuck repairing them and also i had to mow the lawn, paint, etc...

- I had to listen to all her problems like i was her psychologist

- She was on anti-depressants for 4 years and still is and menopause kicking in and she became very unstable, her personality changed.

- Her financial problems and debts became a big problem and she was always broke.

 

and i can find some more, but i won't bore you with this, i think you get the picture, i wanted to help her, but at some point you just feel you can't do miracles and it's like she needs to win the lottery or find a rich man to save her from her chaos. I offered to come live with me in the city but she refused and said she preferred living in the country and wanted to be in that area.

 

I don't blame her, with the dog and her work place being 15 to 20 mins away.

I just think she made a big mistake buying that house which was built in 2009 with very cheap materials and she paid too much for it.

 

But now that is her problem and my name was not in the contract because i wasn't there when she bought it.

 

I will probably move in that area one day too and i will buy a better house with a garage and pool and everything included.

 

Why would i do that you must be asking yourself? Not to piss her off or anything, i really enjoyed the area, it was close to nature, was quiet and peaceful, i hope one day to be with a woman who loves me genuinely and we can buy a nice house there and be happy.

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But who are you , yknow. if your happy with the way you do things and the things you like to do,then that's for you, not her way.

But things like if you do this and if you do that then bla bla, eff that buddy, you shouldn't have to do deals in this stuff , especially just to get the honor of paying off her house for her.

 

Your instincts are spot on, dreams and all,you not accepting the crap, all of it.

A person like this will usually only find other ways to hurt you in the end anyway no matter what you do.

I asked my shrink what it was that she liked about me. He said...."You were convenient"

 

It was as if, the more I gave...the more she would take. and any boundary on my part was a one way ticket to "You don't support me. You don't this....you don't that.." She always gave me the feeling that if we had gotten married....she'd have wanted my bank accounts in her name....even though she's worth 5x what I'm worth.

 

Nothing would have been enough. She'd eventually have left anyway. After there was nothing left to take. That was the feeling the woman gave me. There's a name for women like her....(actually more than one)

Edited by whatnot
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yes that's exactly how i felt, i was convenient for her because i did all the things she could not do on her own for her house. When she saw there was nothing more to take, she got bored and hinted to me a few times that she wanted to meet people, make new friends and that she felt suffocated in our relationship. These are all red flags that she wasn't happy and was getting ready to exit.

 

I should have taken those signs seriously and dump her before she dumped me. she fooled me because she was saying she wanted a break because she was going back to work in a new job position so she wanted a break to focus on her career.

 

Her true reason is she wanted out and was just softening the breakup. I say it doesn't matter who did the dumping now, whatnot we must take this as a lesson for the next relationship.

 

Like you said: Nothing would have been enough. She'd eventually have left anyway.

Spot on! whatever you do, in the end they will never be happy, they will just use you until they are done. Why ? because they have friends and their friends always compare and brag about what they have and what they don't...

 

The names for these type of women is: High Maintenance, Users, Manipulators, Selfish, and i can go on, but not here to do woman bashing.

 

I think i needed to put boundaries from the beginning, the fact that i didn't , i ended up with a woman who wanted too much from me and at one point i even had to tell her: ''hey i am not your employee, i am just here on week ends, 2 or 3 days and you always ask me to do chores around your house or fix stuff or paint...

I even brought her groceries each week end because she didn't have much food.

If i did stuff for her it was because i did it to help her out and was my pleasure, but when i felt forced to do it and did not feel like it, this is when it got me furious.

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