My Girlfriend Doesn't Have Enough Faith To Commit To Marriage

[Lazy Fox]

Hello LoveShack,

 

I've been in a long distance relationship with an amazing girl of the same age from the US for a year and a half.

 

Being a very needy and attached guy, i'm not a fan of long distance and I made her aware of that from the start. We were in love and we agreed we'd see how things would go.

She visited me after only a couple of months and stayed for 3 months. She hated going back and after about 6 months of dating, we started discussing the possibilities of moving to either country, to live together. We quickly realised that we were naive with immigration policies and that the only solution was to be marriage. She told me that she wasn't ready, and I respected that but told her that I wasn't particularly enjoying the long distance, especially after she went back and I got quite upset. We agreed that a year was a fair amount of time to wait before perhaps looking into marriage some more.

 

I want to mention here that there was another girl that i was interested in up until around this point. She lived locally and liked me, which was very appealing, but I stopped talking to her and decided to move forward with my girlfriend. I'd mentioned this girl a couple of times and my girlfriend was upset over it. I think it really hurt her and i'm forever sorry. At the time, i wasn't convinced that a long distance relationship could get this serious, and i regret those things and wish i could undo them.

 

Over the next year, she visited me two more times, for a total of around 10 months. I'm very grateful and was planning to save and visit her this Christmas, as i never had the money to go to the USA (although i did pay for one of her flights).

 

After she went back having visited for the last time, which was around 4 months ago, she was quite upset and told me that she was ready to marry if it's what it took to be together. I was over the moon, it was finally going to happen. We started planning things, with her to come here later this year. That plan fell apart (not due to the relationship) and we left it for some time during which we had a few arguments that resulted in about two weeks in total of "space" where we didn't really talk.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I told her that I was upset with the long distance and she explained it wasn't a problem for her. I explained how i'd go out and see couples holding hands, posts on Facebook of couples watching movies, laying in bed together, baking, all that good stuff that I was missing out on. I noticed myself looking at girls when I was out more and more, which i put down to the fact that i don't have "a girl of my own" to look at in person instead.

We started to argue more and more about various topics, most of which were a result of myself not being open minded. As always, I've made effort to correct my mentality, both for her and us, and for myself, to develop as a person.

 

About a week ago, I explained to her that i can't do this anymore, that the visa process takes an average of 9 months which is long enough as it is, and that i'd like an answer as soon as possible as to if she was still willing to marry. She said her answer was no, and that she wants me to wait for her to finish school which is in 5+ years. I was really upset and didn't know what to do. 5 years is an extremely long time to wait for a relationship to properly start and it's not something i'd be willing to do, and she knew that from the start.

 

Since then, we've been arguing and debating about why she doesn't want to. I've tried everything I can do make her see the light, but she's "standing her ground" as she puts it. Her reasoning for the answer no is that she doesn't have faith in our relationship because of the things that have happened in the past, the girl that lived locally and some of the things I've said about her appearance. I've not done anything in the last year to contribute to her lack of faith though, and i want that to be known - all of her concerns are based on feelings she has from events over a year ago. Things recently were quite healthy. She had a few other reasons for not wanting to marry, including how things would work out with me moving there, but we discussed those and i believe that they are put to bed. The short of the long here is that my girlfriend doesn't want to commit to marriage, especially after the past.

 

My opinion is that her feelings are justified, but perhaps she should be giving us a chance. She doesn't know that things won't work out, and the worst case scenario is that we get divorced which would cost no more than $150 online. I know that sounds naive, but it's the truth - she wouldn't be affected in any other way besides emotionally. Her living situation wouldn't be affected as i was planning to live in a room to let while working, and she would live at home to keep costs down while at college.

I think she's being naive in not trusting her heart, and i'm disappointed that she can say she loves me and all the rest, but ultimately won't commit. I've explained to her that she's at a fork in her life - she either takes the left path which completely removes me from her life and offers no potential for a future with me, or she takes the right path and takes a small risk in marrying, opening up a potential lifetime of happiness together. Kids, a house, travelling, etc. I love her and i'd be willing to drop my entire life to move to the USA for her, and i'm hurt that she won't do the same for me. Does she really love me? I am her first partner which i think is important. Perhaps she doesn't appreciate what we have together?

 

We've always had a very mentor-mentee type of dynamic as she's helped me dramatically with personal issues, family issues, career issues and everything in between. She came into my life after i'd had a bad breakup. Because of this, i always saw her as wiser, more open minded, more positive, she was the person i'd go to for advice or to vent.

She told me a couple of days ago that she's had enough of it being this way around. She told me she wants me to ask questions, help and support her, and take more of an interest in her life. I was shocked, i didn't realise it was a problem and although it might be obvious to some, i just never realised how one sided things were. Over the next few days i made more effort than ever to be more supportive, more positive and more interested in the little things; "What did you eat for lunch?", "How are you feeling?" etc. She told me she loved it and it made me happy knowing that she was happy too.

 

So right now we're at the point where i'm begging her to just change her mind. We had a plan to do six more months, with her to reconsider at the end of it. We both wrote out five things we wanted one another to work on and i thought it was a great idea but she no longer wants to do it. She says she loves me but thinks it's easier to just get this over with now. I struggle to comprehend how she loves me but isn't willing to at least try.

I think that if I was there in person, her opinions and feelings would be very different. There would be more to hold onto and love. We'd be going out for meals, watching movies, holding hands etc. Right now our relationship consists of talking and inevitably arguing on skype.

 

I sought some advice from a friend in her 50s, and she told me how the best thing for me to do would be to let her go, and if she misses me and realises it's a mistake then that's great, otherwise we both move on. That's so much easier said than done and we have had so many great memories, just not via Skype.

 

I can't begin to express my feelings for this girl. I love her to pieces and I've made so many changes to my life and to myself as a person to help make her happy. I'd do anything for her, besides wait 5 years, obviously(?!), and i wish she would just commit and give us one chance.

 

Please offer me advice. I don't have many options right now but walking away is incredibly hard. Is there a solution? Is she being naive about marriage? Should she be forgetting what's happened in the past and concentrating on the future, or is it wrong of me to pressure her into marriage?

 

Edited June 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

The short of the long here is that my girlfriend doesn't want to commit to marriage, especially after the past.

Okay. Sensible girl in my opinion. So if that's her final decision why are you pressuring her to change her mind?

 

I've explained to her that she's at a fork in her life - she either takes the left path which completely removes me from her life and offers no potential for a future with me, or she takes the right path and takes a small risk in marrying, opening up a potential lifetime of happiness together.

Well she has already chosen. She chose the left path. There's really not much you can do except to allow her the freedom of choice. You forced a decision upon her, and now you're upset that she chose the "wrong" one? Sorry but that is the price you pay for forcing an ultimatum on someone. They don't always choose the option you want them to choose.

 

Please offer me advice. I don't have many options right now but walking away is incredibly hard.

Well your options are

a) retract your ultimatum and hope she takes you back and will continue the relationship as before

b) keep the ultimatum in place and hope she changes her mind about marriage

c) stay split up

Edited June 20, 2017 by PegNosePete

[MJJean]

You're both very young and she's not ready to commit to 60 years yet. If you aren't happy in a long term long distance relationship then you'll have to consider ending it.

[Lazy Fox]

While i appreciate that she "chose the left path", it upset me because ever since the start we were aiming for the right path. Only a few months ago she was ready to take the right path and now she has changed her mind, asking me to wait a massive five years.

 

Is it reasonable to wait five years to be happy in a relationship?

It's hard for me because i know that in five years, i'd be with the best girl in the world. I'd be so happy and i'd be able to look forward to travelling, kids, pets, a house etc.

But five years is an incredibly long time to be unhappy and "wait" for someone. Would that time be better spent looking for a new girlfriend, perhaps one closer to home? What if i can't find someone "as good" as this girl?

What if i wait 5 years and after 4 years she meets someone else because im not there to satisfy her?

[Lazy Fox]

You're both very young and she's not ready to commit to 60 years yet. If you aren't happy in a long term long distance relationship then you'll have to consider ending it.

 

I would honestly see the marriage as more of a stepping stone to being together and being happy, rather than "staying together for the rest of our lives". That would be a bonus to me, and perhaps i'm in the minority for thinking that. Marriage for her is certainly sentimental, not to say it isn't sentimental for me, but i'd be willing to give that up just to be together. We could still have a ceremony when we are ready and pretend it never happened, or tell everyone that we are married which is kinda cool and cute.

 

I find it hard to believe that the sentimentality of marriage (alongside her other concerns) mean more to her than her love for me and desire to be together. Perhaps i'm just over-attached.

[basil67]

I'm sorry. Thing is though, one should never enter a marriage under duress. If she marries you, it should be because it's 100% what she wants to do. Unfortunately this isn't the case.

 

You're wrong about marriage being a 'small risk' - especially given that the two of you have been fighting and you hadn't been taking an interest in her. It's too early for her to know if your changes will stick, and she shouldn't marry unless she's seen that they do stick.

 

When you gave her the ultimatum, you put her on the spot and forced her hand. Don't ever give an ultimatum if your not prepared to accept either option. Not only that, you're not respecting her wishes.

 

She's being sensible. Perhaps in time you will see this.

Edited June 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Nobody has a crystal ball, nobody can tell you what the future will hold.

 

Everything in this life is a gamble. In 5 years she might meet someone else. She might decide marriage is not for her after all. She might get hit by a bus. She might win the lottery and you might live a rock star life on the beach in the Cayman islands.

 

The risk is that you waste 5 years of your life on something that might come to nothing. The reward is, well, you know. Do YOU think it's a gamble worth taking? That is the question you need to answer... and when you have the answer, the path you need to take will be clear.

Edited June 20, 2017 by PegNosePete

[Lazy Fox]

I'm sorry. Thing is though, one should never enter a marriage under duress. If she marries you, it should be because it's 100% what she wants to do. Unfortunately this isn't the case.

 

You're wrong about marriage being a 'small risk' - especially given that the two of you have been fighting and you hadn't been taking an interest in her. It's too early for her to know if your changes will stick, and she shouldn't marry unless she's seen that they do stick.

 

When you gave her the ultimatum, you put her on the spot and forced her hand. Don't ever give an ultimatum if your not prepared to accept either option. Not only that, you're not respecting her wishes.

 

She's being sensible. Perhaps in time you will see this.

 

I agree with most of that besides your final statement. I think if she really thinks that splitting up is the best option then i wont see anything in time. I'll move on and start dating again. Sure i will have lost the love of my life but life's a bitch right? There's nothing i can do to make this right besides wait five years, which i'm only partially open to.

Edited June 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lazy Fox]

Nobody has a crystal ball, nobody can tell you what the future will hold.

 

Everything in this life is a gamble. In 5 years she might meet someone else. She might decide marriage is not for her after all. She might get hit by a bus. She might win the lottery and you might live a rock star life on the beach in the Cayman islands.

 

The risk is that you waste 5 years of your life on something that might come to nothing. The reward is, well, you know. Do YOU think it's a gamble worth taking? That is the question you need to answer... and when you have the answer, the path you need to take will be clear.

 

That's currently what i'm thinking about. Unfortunately i dont have much dating experience otherwise i might know if she's as special and i see her as. perhaps there's lots of girls like her out there, perhaps she's amazing, i really dont know. All i know is that TO ME she is amazing.

[preraph]

You can't make her want to marry you. It's a big step and she's not ready for it. I'm sorry. You shouldn't try to talk her into it. There would be problems no matter where you lived with someone's family far away and everything they're used to. I'm not sure what to tell you to do other than not pressure her. Good luck.

[Lazy Fox]

Thanks everyone for the comments. She decided that she doesn't want to continue with me and things have deteriorated to nothing. :'(

[MJJean]

I would honestly see the marriage as more of a stepping stone to being together and being happy, rather than "staying together for the rest of our lives". That would be a bonus to me, and perhaps i'm in the minority for thinking that. Marriage for her is certainly sentimental, not to say it isn't sentimental for me, but i'd be willing to give that up just to be together. We could still have a ceremony when we are ready and pretend it never happened, or tell everyone that we are married which is kinda cool and cute.

 

I find it hard to believe that the sentimentality of marriage (alongside her other concerns) mean more to her than her love for me and desire to be together. Perhaps i'm just over-attached.

 

This is part of the problem. Many people still view marriage as a lifetime commitment. When they think of marrying, they're thinking on whether or not they want to spend decades with the other person. They think about mingled finances, shared assets, children, the endless day to day of running a household, and all that comes with being married.

 

Most people, especially those who are religious, were raised by religious family, or are from conservative societies believe marriage is very serious business and do not take it lightly.

 

As someone who has been married divorced and remarried I can tell you from experience that marriage is hard. A bad marriage is torture and a good marriage takes much conscious effort and commitment on a daily basis.

 

Marriage often involves peaks and valleys. No couple is happy all the time. Even in great marriages there are periods of time when it just sucks.

 

Marriage isn't a sentimentality. It's a total legal, social, and spiritual commitment.

 

You aren't any more ready for a marriage than she is and that's ok. You are only 21 and have plenty of time to mature and find the right mate.

[Lazy Fox]

While i do completely agree with all of that, and thank you for the insight, "marriage" in this instance was just going to be a stepping stone. We wouldn't share assets and all the rest of it, but we'd be open minded about the future and the possibility of that becoming a reality eventually, with a ceremony in a few years or whatever. It was purely going to be a stepping stone for me to move to the USA legally, and for a long time that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to only marry once, and have it be for love reasons and not just so i could move there, but eventually she changed her mind about that. Unfortunately for some reasons her insecurities about the relationship surfaced and she has ended things for good. I'm very upset but life must move on

[MJJean]

While i do completely agree with all of that, and thank you for the insight, "marriage" in this instance was just going to be a stepping stone. We wouldn't share assets and all the rest of it, but we'd be open minded about the future and the possibility of that becoming a reality eventually, with a ceremony in a few years or whatever. It was purely going to be a stepping stone for me to move to the USA legally, and for a long time that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to only marry once, and have it be for love reasons and not just so i could move there, but eventually she changed her mind about that. Unfortunately for some reasons her insecurities about the relationship surfaced and she has ended things for good. I'm very upset but life must move on

 

 

I still don't think you understand. Marriage is a legal contract. You don't even have the option of sharing assets. The law says you do as long as you're married.

 

For example, if you were to marry legally everything you buy after the marriage is marital property and subject to asset division in case of divorce. Your income is even considered joint income when married. So is hers. Any debts accrued after the marriage are also joint, even if you didn't authorize the expenditure. These aren't options. Marriage has unavoidable legal repercussions.

 

Thank this woman. She saved you from jumping into something you don't even understand the ramifications of.

[Lazy Fox]

I think we'd have discussed these things come the time, but I am aware it's not as simple as "getting married", but it would have been worth it for us both as it was the only option.

It was all or nothing i suppose and i'd have taken the plunge and endured the risks to see what the future could hold for us both.

I'd rather have done it and regretted it but known for the rest of my life that i did all that i could, than pass up the opportunity and wonder for the rest of my life about what could have been.

 

If i may say so myself, perhaps this is one of those times in life when although you know someone is being naive (i'm not denying that lol), you let them carry on as it's the only way they would gain the experience. The possibility that me and this girl might have gotten married and spent forever together was enough for me to want to do it (even knowing the risks).

None of this particularly matters anymore but i appreciate you sharing your knowledge and advice.

Edited June 21, 2017 by Lazy Fox

[MJJean]

You're welcome.

 

You know, there are plenty of people who married young and also wonder what might have been had they stayed single.

 

It's often said that we regret what we didn't do, chances we didn't take. Bullpucky! I know plenty of people who married in their late teens or early 20s, were divorced by their 30s, have lost half their assets, got to keep half the debts, and get to write alimony checks every month for the next decade or more who really regret taking a chance.

 

It's all about taking chances with the odds in your favor. A youthful immigration marriage between two people who don't truly know each other could work, but the odds are against it.

[Lazy Fox]

You're welcome.

 

You know, there are plenty of people who married young and also wonder what might have been had they stayed single.

 

It's often said that we regret what we didn't do, chances we didn't take. Bullpucky! I know plenty of people who married in their late teens or early 20s, were divorced by their 30s, have lost half their assets, got to keep half the debts, and get to write alimony checks every month for the next decade or more who really regret taking a chance.

 

It's all about taking chances with the odds in your favor. A youthful immigration marriage between two people who don't truly know each other could work, but the odds are against it.

 

Yeah i agree, it's a gamble and to me it felt worth taking, but maybe you are right, maybe this is a good thing

[Miss Peach]

It sounds like she's made her mind up to end the relationship. What I'm trying to figure out is if she didn't want to move to your country due to school, could you have moved to her country? I wouldn't want to uproot my entire life for a man in a LD relationship - especially with what you posted here. I might have been more willing to try if there was less risk to me.

[Lazy Fox]

It sounds like she's made her mind up to end the relationship. What I'm trying to figure out is if she didn't want to move to your country due to school, could you have moved to her country? I wouldn't want to uproot my entire life for a man in a LD relationship - especially with what you posted here. I might have been more willing to try if there was less risk to me.

 

Not sure if you misread, but originally she was going to move here and then i advised her to maybe go to school instead and she decided not to come. I'm glad she made the decision to focus on school but i lowkey wish i never mentioned it as she'd have probably moved here and we'd both be happy.

As for me moving there, that's exactly what the plan was. Me moving wasn;t going to affect her whatsoever, i was going to get my own place and just see her when she was free while she remained at her parents to save money while at school. Originally her reasoning was that she didn't think it would all work out with me moving there but I explained to her that it would (i'd rent a room in a houseshare etc etc) and then she changed her mind to "i dont have faith in the relationship". It was all a bit weird and i dont think she really knows what she wants but she has made her decision, i did everything i could to persuade her and failed, and i must let her go.

[PegNosePete]

i was going to get my own place and just see her when she was free while she remained at her parents to save money

And she lives in the US, right? How do you think that arrangement would fly with US immigration?

 

This marriage would have been considered a sham marriage by their definitions.

What Is Marriage Fraud Under U.S. Immigration Law? | Nolo.com

 

For a marriage to be valid under the law, it is not enough that the couple had a real marriage ceremony and got all the right governmental stamps on their marriage certificate. They have to intend to live in a real marital relationship, namely to establish a life together, following the marriage ceremony -- and prove their intention through their actions. If the couple doesn’t intend to establish a life together, their marriage is a sham.

One party living at their parents and the other living in a house share, is not a "real marital relationship".

[Lazy Fox]

And she lives in the US, right? How do you think that arrangement would fly with US immigration?

 

This marriage would have been considered a sham marriage by their definitions.

What Is Marriage Fraud Under U.S. Immigration Law? | Nolo.com

 

 

One party living at their parents and the other living in a house share, is not a "real marital relationship".

 

While that's true, we'd have obviously lied. I don't need a lecture on the law, but it's quite easy and a lot of people do it.

[Moondaisy]

 

Her reasoning for the answer no is that she doesn't have faith in our relationship because of the things that have happened in the past, the girl that lived locally and some of the things I've said about her appearance. I've not done anything in the last year to contribute to her lack of faith though, and i want that to be known - all of her concerns are based on feelings she has from events over a year ago.

 

 

What kind of things did you tell her about her appearance? Just wondering.

[basil67]

While that's true, we'd have obviously lied. I don't need a lecture on the law, but it's quite easy and a lot of people do it.

 

And you were OK with asking her to do something which could bring hefty financial penalties and possible jail time if the two of you were found out?

 

You may not need a lecture on the law, but you apparently do need a lecture on not asking other people to break the law for you.

[GemmaUK]

She sounds like a wise young lady.

 

I'm glad you have realised you were being naïve over this as you mentioned in an earlier post.

 

Time to move on OP.

[Goodguy05]

Hello LoveShack,

 

Please offer me advice. I don't have many options right now but walking away is incredibly hard. Is there a solution? Is she being naive about marriage? Should she be forgetting what's happened in the past and concentrating on the future, or is it wrong of me to pressure her into marriage?

 

 

If u love her u wait no matter what dude. 5 yrs so be it but things can change in that period she may decide to do it sooner or maybe it doesn't work.

It's either wait or feel the pain of separation.

I wss wth my mrs well ex now for 6 yrs and two of those were long distance long story lol I moved interstate for a better life and she followed 2 yrs later then dumped me lol.

Marriage is a big thing it's not something to rush into I know I been married. Plus wen ur married if u divorce it can get messy wth assets etc.

I read both ur threads. She's clearly unsure wat marriage involves.

Kudos to u for being ready and willing to take that step to be wth her. And move country.

I moved only a thousand kilometres and let me just state this even that small move it's a bit change I miss people back home I miss my home. But now that I'm here going back side even harder property has shot up in price etc. Sometimes I wished I'd never made the move.

Moving country is a huge change think about it u wont be able to see ur parents like u do now. Even tho those things may seem trivial now let me assure u ull feel it after a whIle of being over there.

Ures is a complicated situation who knows maybe u wont feel that way and ull love it.

I have a friend were in australia who married a girl from London. He moved there for a half dozen yrs then eventually he missed home too much and now they moved here to Australia.

It's not impossible. Ur still young tho. Wether young or old im in my 40'S I can tell u we are all looking for love so if uve found it early on that great. I wouldn't listen to the people who say oh ur too young lol because that's what ull be searching for your whole life that's the reason we join certain groups clubs it's all to be acknowledged recognised so really love is the big picture.

 

Lastly good luck

Edited June 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed most of the quoted post to make it easier to read