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Long Distance Romance Just Disappeared...


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I'm from America and I met this guy 8 years ago on an international penpal site from England. We hit it off right away and emailed each other nonstop for years.

 

 

 

 

A few years ago we started calling each other through facebook phone calls and that's when I really fell for him.

 

 

We've been through so much together in the past 8 years, and been there for each other through different relationships, breakups, engagements, engagement breakups etc. And for someone I don't know personally, I care for him quite a lot. Probably more than I should. The problem is that in the past few years, he will just disappear. Like he will slowly start saying he has been busy and then BAM, he's gone. He has reappeared in the past a few times, but he's done it again. This time we got very close. We were talking on the phone every day, and he was talking about coming down to America to travel the California coast. He is a radio host (I have heard his radio station online so I know he's legitimate) and he likes America a lot, he has even discussed moving here. Our last few convos got very intense (sexually) and I was really into it, after that he stopped talking to me and disappeared..

 

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think. I've reached out to him so many times, but he doesn't respond anymore. When I've confronted him about his disappearing in the past he says "trust me it isn't about you"... so what is it? I see his facebook and instagram (he didn't remove me or anything) and I don't see any relationship type situation... but honestly I wouldn't even care that much. I love him as a friend and if I knew him in person I know it would be more than that... my heart is just broken and I don't know what to do...

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Life lessons

Sorry you're going through this.

 

If I were you, I would take a break from him....as many here will agree, don't chase this man. That's the worst thing you can do.

 

I would suggest not contacting him or attempting to contact him and see how long it takes him to reach out to you.

 

Don't let him see that he is your weakness.

 

I do wish you luck and hopefully he'll reach out to you once he notices that your contact/communication has ceased.

 

Also, if he were truly that interested/invested in the relationship, i don't believe that he would stop contact for lengthy periods of time. Although that's only my opinion.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I'm not convinced you're not being catfished. Have you video-chatted?

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ExpatInItaly

His current crush/girlfriend probably is occupying his time.

 

Keep in mind he can filter you from seeing things on social media. He could have all kinds of relationship-related posts that you never see. Or, he could be the type that doesn't share such information online. Having never met him in person, there's a lot about him you don't know simply because you can't verify it without being in his presence and around his real life.

 

In any case, I think you're much too invested and need to let go of the idea of meeting him. This is a virtual friend and sometimes sext-buddy...but that's about it. It's not a romance in the sense you hope, I'm afraid.

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Yeah I think that it's probably what's happening as well. It just makes me angry because he makes all these huge promises, he talked about buying me a ticket to go to Europe at the same time he would buy a ticket to California.. just feel like an idiot for getting all excited to meet him. We only talked about sex that one time and I didn't feel great doing it, after that he slipped away.

 

 

He's not this gorgeous guy either, honestly I would never date a guy like him from first glance. It's just that we've talked for so long and he's always been such a positive, sweet, charming and 'good' guy. I'm starting to think that's not the case though.....

 

 

 

 

I guess if he reaches back out to me again I should just ignore him. I wanted to think maybe he has depression or something... but he may just be a total liar and an *******.

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Gr8fuln2020

 

He's not this gorgeous guy either, honestly I would never date a guy like him from first glance. It's just that we've talked for so long and he's always been such a positive, sweet, charming and 'good' guy. I'm starting to think that's not the case though.....

 

I guess if he reaches back out to me again I should just ignore him. I wanted to think maybe he has depression or something... but he may just be a total liar and an *******.

 

Knix,

 

I wonder why it is you have such strong feelings for someone living on another continent and have never met. Yes, you have talked, chatted online, etc. but you cannot confirm nor deny much or most of what he has told you or claim.

 

Why aren't you actively trying to find someone local?

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Knix,

 

I wonder why it is you have such strong feelings for someone living on another continent and have never met. Yes, you have talked, chatted online, etc. but you cannot confirm nor deny much or most of what he has told you or claim.

 

Why aren't you actively trying to find someone local?

 

 

 

Hmm... you're making quite a lot of assumptions! :)

 

 

He and I met before I had my first boyfriend, we talked after my first boyfriend, through countless dating ups and downs, and he was once engaged and we were still chatting (as friends) always as friends.... it only became slightly romantic a few years ago. Again, we've talked for 8 years, video chatted, phone chatted, etc. etc..

 

 

I have strong feelings for him like one would have strong feelings for something of comfort.. He has always been there to comfort me through hard times, and he's always been there through good times too. He would even stay up around 4-5am his time to talk to me on the phone while I was waiting to board a plane and was alone.

 

 

He was there for me when I was in a bad relationship. Stayed on the phone with me one New Years Eve when my ex flaked on me. Called me while I drove 4 hours home down a mountain just to make sure I was okay.

 

 

We've never said we love each other, but he has admitted to having strong feelings for me. Will I be okay if I never hear from him again? Sure. But I'm still sad, he was first and foremost my friend, and I loved his ACTIONS. He has always been there for me. There are just times when he disappears, he won't say why.. he just does. And he has been friends with me in the past when he was engaged and then broke it off (his ex actually thought he was cheating on her with ME) so we stopped talking.. then he saw how controlling she was and ended it.

 

 

But I wouldn't be upset if he found someone in the UK. I just am confused... guess I shouldn't have looked for answers on here. People project their own situations on these things and make too many assumptions.

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You have expressed your side of it clearly . While I don't understand how one can form a deep bond the way you two have interacted I am aware the phenomenon exists.

 

 

Sadly, it's lost it's allure for him. It was fun for a while -- a hobby he put effort into but no more. Your relationship has now become like that dusty piece of sports equipment everyone has in their house; at one point it was your passion & it was fun. Now it just collects dust unused.

 

 

I'm so sorry that he has left you flat like this but unless you plan to buy a plane ticket & show up at his residence uninvited & probably unwelcome, there is nothing you can do now.

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ExpatInItaly

Someone who actually cares about you doesn't just disappear over and over. He's not interested in the way you are, not anymore. Actions speak louder than words, and well, he's not really taking any action. He's off living his life, probably dating or at least meeting local women. He comes back when he's not being occupied by someone else.

 

I would treat this for what it really is - a long-distance friend. He's not a romantic prospect.

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So, what exactly do you keep holding out hope for?

 

Someone who actually cares about you doesn't just disappear over and over. He's not interested in the way you are, not anymore. Actions speak louder than words, and well, he's not really taking any action. He's off living his life, probably dating or at least meeting local women. He comes back when he's not being occupied by someone else.

 

I would treat this for what it really is - a long-distance friend. He's not a romantic prospect.

 

Yep, I agree with this. I guess I just felt very hurt and confused, he does this a lot. Not to toot my own horn but it's not like I have trouble meeting and dating guys here, I have a great life. But he's always been different. Not even in the romantic way or in a fantasy way. He's just a gentleman to me and a friend. But when he reaches out again I'll have to be strong enough to ignore it. Idk what his problem is but it's so disrespectful to me

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ExpatInItaly

I think you would be best to just stop communicating with him.

 

You're too attached, which will hurt you in the end because he doesn't feel the way you do and doesn't bother maintaining consistent communication. How will you feel when you someday find out he has a girlfriend?

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I think what really bothers me (and this is something I failed to mention) is that he constantly trying to deter me from seeing other people.

 

I don't want to sound like a broken record but in the past he and I have both had different relationships while communicating; it's realistic because we live on seperate continents! But he gets upset when he sees me talking to someone else on Facebook and I've felt worried in the past he'd be upset seeing I'm still Facebook friends with a few exes.

 

The conversations with him faded when he was talking about coming down to California and then wanted me to go to his small town near London. I said "if everything works out and we both want to pursue something, I'd definitely be down to travel over there to see your side of the world"

 

The convo got awkward after that, I don't know if I scared him off-- but I was just trying to be realistic and not live in a fantasy. Even though we've talked for 8 years, it's not the same as spending day after day with them and I was trying to not sit in fantasyland.

 

But I'm wondering if this whole thing was just a fantasy.

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All you have to do is tell him that you have decided to take a summer vacation and go see London and that you will pay him a visit July or August. His response (if he responds) will let you know.

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Also, you keep talking about 8 years of knowing him. People get married and divorced in fewer years than that, because feelings change. Don't think about the past years, was it all a fantasy? Maybe not at all, it was real. But the only thing that matters now is where he stands now.

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That's a very interesting idea... I'm not sure if he would respond but it's worth a try

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Also, you keep talking about 8 years of knowing him. People get married and divorced in fewer years than that, because feelings change. Don't think about the past years, was it all a fantasy? Maybe not at all, it was real. But the only thing that matters now is where he stands now.

 

Would it be more useful to say he and I were having romantic phone conversations a few weeks ago?

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ExpatInItaly
Would it be more useful to say he and I were having romantic phone conversations a few weeks ago?

 

I think it didn't mean as much to him, unfortunately. He wouldn't have disappeared again if that were the case. It doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy your chats, but it doesn't appear as though he assigns it the same emotional value that you do.

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I'm from America and I met this guy 8 years ago on an international penpal site from England. We hit it off right away and emailed each other nonstop for years.

 

 

 

 

A few years ago we started calling each other through facebook phone calls and that's when I really fell for him.

 

 

We've been through so much together in the past 8 years, and been there for each other through different relationships, breakups, engagements, engagement breakups etc. And for someone I don't know personally, I care for him quite a lot. Probably more than I should. The problem is that in the past few years, he will just disappear. Like he will slowly start saying he has been busy and then BAM, he's gone. He has reappeared in the past a few times, but he's done it again. This time we got very close. We were talking on the phone every day, and he was talking about coming down to America to travel the California coast. He is a radio host (I have heard his radio station online so I know he's legitimate) and he likes America a lot, he has even discussed moving here. Our last few convos got very intense (sexually) and I was really into it, after that he stopped talking to me and disappeared..

 

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think. I've reached out to him so many times, but he doesn't respond anymore. When I've confronted him about his disappearing in the past he says "trust me it isn't about you"... so what is it? I see his facebook and instagram (he didn't remove me or anything) and I don't see any relationship type situation... but honestly I wouldn't even care that much. I love him as a friend and if I knew him in person I know it would be more than that... my heart is just broken and I don't know what to do...

 

 

He's on the radio, your his friend that's all you are to him. Someone he can count on to be there when times are low. This is not a relationship, this is just matter of convenience for him and for you almost the same thing but you want more. I am sure he's married more than once and I am sure he's even dating another woman long side you. You see you'll know what's he is doing because your are not around him 24/7 in person. Your outside his area of his life. Yes that's right you are out looking in while he's in his life area you have nothing to gain with him. He can say anything to you that you would like to hear and he knows all about you that way. You are on FB why would he have just one account he might have account with him being married or in a relationship. Again you just don't know him as well as you think. So you can keep him as a friend but don't put your whole life into his words as you don't know if he's lying or being truthful with you. Anyone can lie to you, you do know that right. No one has to tell you the truth right? I am helping you from experience I've started this back in 1997 I can see why this has happen to you and why you have settle for this sort of behavior from him. I've done also so don't feel bad. We both want so much but yet never happens the way you want it to. I even gone directly to the person to find out the truth and then soon learn why. If you do you'll learn the reason why he acts like he does. But I know he's lying to you. Be careful my child you already wasted so many years with him you really need to stop and move on and find some one real to be with locally.

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