How do I deal with my wants?

[LovelyRose]

This is my third post. The other two was me wondering and confused if my guy is losing interest. Happy to say he isn't. We have been exclusively dating going on 3 months now.

 

Lil background for those who didn't see my other posts. He is my cousin's best friend and is considered part of my family. My aunt/uncle pretty much refer to him as their other son. They live 6 hour drive or an hour plane ride away from me and the rest of my big family.

 

I requested we keep our dating a secret from my family. Although he did ask my cousin for permission to date me without disclosing my name. I don't want them to know about us while we are still figuring out where this goes.

 

I know LDR is going to be a tough one. But I figured its ok because we are both busy with our goals and responsibilities. I really like the fact that this will allow me to focus on myself and have lots of alone time. We really connected and we trust each other completely.

 

During our getting to know each other phase, we talked about 2-3 times a day and chatted on FB all day. He stayed up until about 1am even though he gets up at 5am. It lasted about less than a month. Now I hardly get messages from him and barely responds to my messages , which I only send about a couple if he doesn't reply. Then he calls about 3-4 times a week. I have expressed my feelings about this last Saturday. It wasn't the first time. But the first one turned out ugly because I have approached him like a crazy woman. This time I was calm and very careful. He pretty much told me that I am thinking more than what's really there. He said he's always thinking about me and tries to chat and call me. The conversation ended well and sealed with a goodnight kiss.

 

He's super busy at work and school so by the time he gets home he usually just crashes and don't hear from him until the next day. Even on the weekends he's busy with his sister, hanging out with my family or with the boys..Which still include my cousin. So if he's with them, even more so he couldn't call me. Or busy with schoolwork. I'm busy too. But I always have energy and time for him to send multiple messages a day and to talk to him for few minutes. So why can't he? Am I being unreasonable? I know he's trying but is that really the most he can do now? He managed to do it before.

 

But I guess because we see each other every three weeks or so and that he's been on an LDR way before social media and video calls and smart phones, he's used to this?

 

I am admitting I have fallen for him. While he told me from the get go he process slow. Coming out of a 13 yr relationship 3 yrs ago. He hasn't really been in any relationship after that. Since we started as long distance from very beginning I am aware he may take even longer. But he is worth it.

 

When we are together I'm completely happy. He's not very expressive but sometimes he will tell me things that totally melts me without him even trying. He told me the other day he was going to change his sheets but he didn't because my scent is still there. He paid for my ticket to see him last week. He also said sometimes he pretends I'm just in his bed sleeping under the covers looking all cute and adorable. We were outside his balcony looking at the stars but he said I don't need to look up because I got my star right here. He giggled, kissed my neck and just held me tight for a while. We have a his and hers toothbrush in his apartment now and I got some of my personal stuff there so I can travel light whenever I visit.

 

I finally met his sister. After dinner we hangout at her house. I asked for water and his sister was shocked and got a bit sensitive (but nothing too serious) because he gave me their special cup to use that only he or she is allowed to use. I asked why he did that and he immediately responded , because I like you!

 

I have no doubt we are doing great. I am slowly learning he's just not into phones and chats. But I know I'm special to him and have total trust in him. I like that we are going through this process. I normally jump to relationship quickly. Most probably why none of them worked. So the fact that we are taking things slow is good for me. Even though I have fallen already. I can wait. So how do I deal with my wants? I don't want to seem needy and dont want to ruin this. He doesn't seem to have any issue with our communication. So it's only me having a hard time. Please any tips or advice?

[mightycpa]

Why do he and his sister share a special cup? That's kinda weird.

 

As for the rest of it, it is never easy to want more, to have a partner that goes slower than you do, and to be separated by distance when all this is going on. NEVER easy.

 

The mere fact that you feel like you have to squelch your desires is a red flag.

[LovelyRose]

Hi, thanks. There's a whole reason about the cup. It's a family thing. She was just shocked I'm already using it considering it was our first time meeting. I just didn't want to share more info about it. It's definitely not weird. She even has a chair that only she is allowed to sit on, lol.

 

Well i do have the tendency to be clingy. I'm the type of person that always straight forward. I have already addressed this with him. I'm still getting to know him. But eventually if I keep having issues, my walls will start going up and then I'm gone. But I always want to make sure I've done everything I could to make things work.

 

Right now I want more than what he can give. But we are just starting. He makes me happy more than I am disappointed.

 

I'll continue talking to him and see where this goes. But I am keeping my eyes open. I'm seeing him in two weeks.

[Els]

Sorry, I'm confused - how old are both of you and how many times have you met IRL?

 

That being said, it's possible that 4 calls a week might be enough especially if RL interaction is relatively frequent (every few weeks), and nobody should be expected to sleep only 4 hours each night... but a huge drop like that when barely a month has passed is understandably alarming IMO. It makes him appear "hot and cold", which could be a warning sign depending on context. Especially when it comes to LDRs, where closing the distance is paramount, consistency is extremely important.

[LovelyRose]

Thanks for your input. He is 34 and I'm 36. We have met multiple times before and spent time before we dated but with my entire family. It was always a family occasion. Now that we are dating so far we managed to see each other every three weeks and every visit was full weekend together.

 

I have addressed this with him already. He said when he gets so busy with work and school he disconnect himself from everything and just focus on what he needs to do. His work is crazy right now and going through a lot of changes and new management. He also said his classes are harder this time.

 

I'm doing my best to understand everything. But it's really hard. I can't understand how it's not possible to just send a quick message. It only takes literally few seconds. Like this long weekend. He's off for three days and I haven't heard from him for 2 days.

 

I know we are not teenagers that don't have much worry in the world that can be on the phone constantly. But I'm the type of woman that likes to talk to her partner everyday. Not necessarily for hours and hours. Just a quick hello would be enough. How much more with long distance. This whole new adult dating is new to me. I'm used to having my guy call me everyday multiple times a day and that's not even long distance.

 

We fully trust each other which is a great thing. Even more reason why I want this to work. I don't normally feel this way for someone. But talking few times a week and seeing each other once a month, is that enough to get to know each other and build a strong foundation?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your input. He is 34 and I'm 36. We have met multiple times before and spent time before we dated but with my entire family. It was always a family occasion. Now that we are dating so far we managed to see each other every three weeks and every visit was full weekend together.

 

I have addressed this with him already. He said when he gets so busy with work and school he disconnect himself from everything and just focus on what he needs to do. His work is crazy right now and going through a lot of changes and new management. He also said his classes are harder this time.

 

I'm doing my best to understand everything. But it's really hard. I can't understand how it's not possible to just send a quick message. It only takes literally few seconds. Like this long weekend. He's off for three days and I haven't heard from him for 2 days.

 

I know we are not teenagers that don't have much worry in the world that can be on the phone constantly. But I'm the type of woman that likes to talk to her partner everyday. Not necessarily for hours and hours. Just a quick hello would be enough. How much more with long distance. This whole new adult dating is new to me. I'm used to having my guy call me everyday multiple times a day and that's not even long distance.

 

We fully trust each other which is a great thing. Even more reason why I want this to work. I don't normally feel this way for someone. But talking few times a week and seeing each other once a month, is that enough to get to know each other and build a strong foundation?

 

I think he's not viewing this relationship as seriously as you are.

 

If he's got a long weekend off, he's got time to have a quick chat or send a couple messages. The fact that he's choosing not to get in touch suggests he's not on the same page as you.

 

Based on this post and your previous threads, I'm convinced he's trying to send you the message that he's got other priorities and isn't looking to make this more serious right now. If you're the type that enjoys having some daily contact (and many people are, nothing wrong with that) then this is probably not the guy for you, especially considering this is long-distance and calls or messaging is your only point of contact.

Edited May 30, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[LovelyRose]

We are dating and definitely more than friends but not as serious as bf/gf would be. He did give me a fair warning that he process slow and hasn't been in a serious relationship for a while.

 

He was sick for days two weeks ago so the following week was a nightmare. I called him tonight and he said over the weekend he got sick again so all three days he spent taking medicine and sleeping. Today was rushing between work and school. He said he wants to make sure he is healthy when i get there this Friday. I don't know, when he picked up the phone earlier tonight I know I woke him up. I wanted to express how upset I am but then nothing came out. All I was able to say is where has he been over the weekend. After he responded I didnt know how else to respond that I just said bye.

 

I'm getting the feeling that he's the type of person that doesn't really use phone much. I mean his FB was set up by his friends. I could tell he doesn't go on there much up until I came along. That's how we communicate with each other. His long distance before lasted for about 4 years and that was way before social media and texting. Granted they dated for a year or two before the long distance. But it was overseas long distance.

 

I'm not wrong for wanting daily communication but I can't say either that he's wrong. Whenever I ask him why he's not responding he say he hasn't touched his phone in days. Even my female cousin told me she does the same thing.

 

I'm going to keep talking to him until we both meet in the middle. I follow my instincts and it's telling me to be more patient and understand him a bit more on how he thinks and how he function, etc. I'm not letting go. I just need advice on how to stay strong and patient on this and how to deal with missing him when I don't hear from him.

[Els]

Like this long weekend. He's off for three days and I haven't heard from him for 2 days.

 

This is very concerning IMO. If he was, say, working 16 hours a day, and there was a lot of time zone difference, it could be reasonable for you to not hear from him for 2 days. But if he's off work? No excuse unless he was hospitalized or something.

 

Are you sure this relationship is right for you? What are the plans for closing the distance?

[ExpatInItaly]

How to be patient? I suppose just remember that you are not in a relationship with him, so you won't be getting daily contact. Keep living your life and don't prioritize him at this point. He's showing you that keeping up consistent contact isn't his priority, so I would mirror that and not wait by the phone. I wouldn't have reached out to him this time, though. I would have let him come to me and see how long that takes.

 

If I remember correctly, you said in a previous thread that he had at one point been much more communicative. That is a sign he does use his phone and he does reach out when he wants. It's not as though he's clueless and doesn't know how to maintain a line of contact. Ask yourself if a relationship - a LDR, at that - is really going to be possible with someone who says he doesn't touch his phone for days or falls off the radar when he's sick or busy.

 

What I take away from your description is that you are anxious and unsettled that things aren't really progressing as you'd hoped, and are quite different from the beginning. But you also have a unique ability to try to justify or rationalize his decreased communication while at the same time feeling upset that he's not reaching out. All you can do is observe and see if he takes the initiative to bring you two closer together or not, communication-wise.

 

If he doesn't, ask yourself what you are going to do and how long you are going to hang around. You need your own limits somewhere too. What if he doesn't meet you in the middle?

 

As I always say, interested men act interested. And this man has "meh" written all over him.

Edited May 31, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[LovelyRose]

Hi Elswyth,

 

Thank you. I kind of explained our situation/status and what happened to him over the weekend on my post before your last post.

 

Since we are just dating, we haven't discussed any serious matters. Except when we decided to give this a try he told me this will go on for at least 2 years.

 

I mentioned that my family don't know about us dating. I am optimistic that once they know about us, I will end up seeing him more. So chatting and calling less won't be an issue to me anymore. My aunt comes to visit us often to see my grandparents. Since he is like my aunt's other son, I'm sure she will start asking him to drive them out here. That or he can volunteer.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi Elswyth,

 

Thank you. I kind of explained our situation/status and what happened to him over the weekend on my post before your last post.

 

Since we are just dating, we haven't discussed any serious matters. Except when we decided to give this a try he told me this will go on for at least 2 years.

 

I mentioned that my family don't know about us dating. I am optimistic that once they know about us, I will end up seeing him more. So chatting and calling less won't be an issue to me anymore. My aunt comes to visit us often to see my grandparents. Since he is like my aunt's other son, I'm sure she will start asking him to drive them out here. That or he can volunteer.

 

What will go on for at least two years?

[LovelyRose]

He's in school for 2 more years so he can't really go anywhere else.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's in school for 2 more years so he can't really go anywhere else.

 

And hypothetically, can you envision being long-distance for the next two years if this is how things are?

[LovelyRose]

I have this rule for myself that as long as my pros are more than the cons I will keep going. I'm able to justify his situation because of other things we have discussed that just too much to share here. Yes I'm not satisfied and I am concerned, but I'm not giving this up this easily.

 

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I plan to have a heart to heart talk with him and lay everything on the table. After that I'm just going to leave things be and see where this goes. I know I have my limits but it's something I can't put a time on. I just know when I want to keep going or time to let go.

 

I choose to be optimistic and hope that this is just temporary. I want to see if he will change after their company merge is over. Like you said, just observe. No I don't try and envision myself that far ahead. I just take it one day at a time. What I like about this long distance thing is that days go by so fast. I deal with the situation in front of me and not worry about what will happen a year from now. So many things have changed in a three month span, how much more two years from now.

 

I love him. Yes I said it. Darn it I love that guy. So I won't give up that easily but at the same time making sure I won't lose myself. Please wish me luck tomorrow. Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

I would advise just keeping a sense of perspective when you talk to him. Love is a pretty big word with significant implications, especially when you haven't spent much time together.

 

My assumption is that he's going to reiterate the same things he's told you already: that he's busy and stressed with school, not a phone person, wants to take it slowly and so on. For this reason, I'm not so sure laying it all on the table for him this weekend will be productive, as you've already been down this road with him - and rather recently. He knows how you feel.

 

I do wish you luck in any case, and keep us updated.

[LovelyRose]

So our weekend together was great. He cooked breakfast for me both days when I was the one who told him that will do so but he didn't let me. It was so sweet. We hangout with his sister and attended his nephews graduation party. We danced at the party even when there's no music playing We watched a 3D movie even though he hates it because he knows I like it.

 

I saved all the talk on the day I was coming back home. I made it quick and approached him in a loving way. (I didn't say the L word of course) But we were holding hands while talking. I found out he got frustrated with me on that Memorial weekend thats why he didnt contact me. Because when he didn't call me the night before and no text in the afternoon I simply just put this..??? ...Then two hours later I texted .." Its long weekend, youre too busy?" So he decided to leave me alone.

 

I see that a bunch of posts here have a bit similar issues or concerns I'm having. But now it really makes me feel that I should just relax more and not worry too much. As I see that it gets me nowhere when I complain about our lack of communication when apart.

 

I did most of the talking and like you mentioned he pretty much said the same thing. He said it was a lot of effort for him to be that expressive in the beginning. He can be expressive in person but not phone.

 

I mainly did the talking and he listened very carefully and half of the times he was giddy and smiling. He couldn't answer me when I ask why does he not call as much anymore all he could say was he doesnt know but agrees that i am not being unreasonable.

 

I told him my concern is what if he forgets about me while we are apart and not talking. It may sound silly but I asked anyway. He said very calmly that it's not going to happen. I also asked if he likes me the same as when we just first started dating. He said no.....because he likes me more now. I confessed too that I didn't buy plane ticket for another visit because I was thinking if he wants to see me and not just feeling obligated then he should do the move. He just smiled and kissed me. But at the end he said while on our way to the airport to confirm my next schedule so he can buy the ticket for me.

 

I feel great about our time together and our talk. I just need to learn that maybe our communication wouldn't be as much. I want to wonder too maybe he doesn't want to constantly talk to me while apart because he doesn't want to be distracted or trying to control his feelings to completely fall for me this soon. Its hard to type everything on here to get a much clearer idea of how he is and what we have. I'm sure I've also left some parts out of how I am towards him. So this time ill do my best to try different approach on us not talking much when apart.

 

I seriously don't feel any red flag at all. I'm just having a hard time even more now being apart from him.

[GunslingerRoland]

Why are you going so slow? I mean 3 months isn't normally a long time with long distance dating, but it makes a big difference when you knew each others for years first.

 

Is one of you thinking of moving? Because you live far away from one another, and if there are no plans to move, then what is the point?

[ExpatInItaly]

I am glad you had a nice weekend, OP.

 

I think the thing to keep in mind is whether or not you're compromising your own desires and needs too much just to keep him around. Based on your threads so far, you aren't okay with not speaking to him much. I would observe your own feelings over the next period of distance and be honest with yourself if you're feeling neglected or sidelined. It seems there could be a pattern taking shape here, in which you feel anxious and confused when apart, then fine and happy and reassured when together, then back to anxious and confused again after you return home. That is going to be a tricky roller coaster to ride if it continues in that way, and you will feel resentful if you find yourself sacrificing what you want too much in order to suit his relationship style.

 

Keep a balance and see if he also makes the effort to come to you, in terms of growing closer and communicating.

[LovelyRose]

We have not discussed any long term plans as we are still at the early stage. I do know he needs to finish school first which is about two years and he has the ability to move. He can live wherever he wants and just work remotely.

 

Thank you. I am not one to settle. That's why I'm expressing how I feel. Yes I'm not fully happy and content at the moment. And yup its like a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. But I'm just frustrated at myself because I can't seem to leave him be. I tend to frustrate him I just did it again right now. Ugh.

 

Whatever the outcome, I won't resent and regret. He is worth giving a shot. Ill take my chances.

[Maggie4]

You don't do well at LDR. He does. He has done LDR previously and he's got it down to a system. So in that area of communication, you don't match.

The thing with LDR is that you can become detached from reality. It's good that he knows your cousin. Why not let everyone know if you haven't already? It makes it more real, because then it connects to his daily life. People around him will ask him about how things are going with you. It gives it substance.

[ExpatInItaly]

We have not discussed any long term plans as we are still at the early stage. I do know he needs to finish school first which is about two years and he has the ability to move. He can live wherever he wants and just work remotely.

 

Thank you. I am not one to settle. That's why I'm expressing how I feel. Yes I'm not fully happy and content at the moment. And yup its like a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. But I'm just frustrated at myself because I can't seem to leave him be. I tend to frustrate him I just did it again right now. Ugh.

 

Whatever the outcome, I won't resent and regret. He is worth giving a shot. Ill take my chances.

 

What do you mean? What happened?

[LovelyRose]

While he was in class he interpreted my message as passive aggressive. He didnt like it so I explained my side. I didn't expect him to call last night I assumed he will leave me alone now since I frustrated him. But I was so happy he did and he said he understood now and will make more effort.

 

I'm not doing too well because I'm the type that likes to talk every single day. I am hoping I will eventually adjust. I just couldn't leave him alone long enough so I haven't given him nor me a fair chance to see what will happen if I stepped back. I am currently not working for almost a month now so I'm sure this is also not helping me.

 

Maggie very well said and thank you. On my last trip his sister asked if my family knows yet and we both said no. She teased us were winnies. Then while we were at her house she asked again. So before I flew back I talked to him about it. I told him he needs to clarify to her the reason why I'm not ready to let my family know.

 

I made sure he understands I'm not telling my family until we get a little more serious with each other. If he's slow in the process then he needs to wait too. I am confident that we both understand each other. He said when the time is right we will tell them.

[ExpatInItaly]

While he was in class he interpreted my message as passive aggressive.

 

What was your message?

 

I haven't given him nor me a fair chance to see what will happen if I stepped back.

 

I think this is your next critical step. Let him come to you, as it sounds like you've been doing a lot of the initiating. See what he does on his own accord, and not just in response to your messages to him.

[LovelyRose]

I said if you have the desire to call later then just call otherwise I'll talk to you whenever. When he said it wasn't necessary I explained that I said talk to you whenever because that's what it is now. I never know anymore when I get to hear from you. I said desire because I don't accept that you are too busy that's why you can't call or text. You're not disabled you just don't have the desire to do so. Thankfully he actually listened and didn't argue with me .

 

One time when he didn't call nor text for couple of days I called him. He told me just call me whenever I want to. He would really like it. But I don't want to be the one initiating all contacts all the time.

 

I told him few times that I'm on a tight situation because he's not necessarily wrong but not right either. We are just different people. I like talking a lot while he doesn't. I told him I hope we can find a good balance eventually.

 

He's good at greeting me good morning but the rest its just responding to my messages. And if I don't really ask for him to call me he normally doesn't. It's frustrating.

 

When we do talk he tells me he really really likes talking to me. Even said before if he could see me everyday he would really like it. But when he focus on his tasks he tend to forget a lot of things and that he doesn't even touch his phone.

 

I truly feel his sincerity about really wanting to be with me and how I make him happy. I just dont want to push him away because I couldn't accept the way he is with communication.

Edited June 8, 2017 by LovelyRose

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it really just comes down to you being more invested than him.

 

You appear to be treating this as a committed relationship, while he isn't. It's not to say he won't get there, but sending messages like that won't help matters. It's understandable that you feel frustrated; however, the way you're approaching this and the way you're communicating your feelings won't yield the results you hope fore. You're speaking to him as though he's already your boyfriend, but as I understand, you two are not official yet.

 

Rather than try to get him to be the guy you want, take a step back and let him show you the guy he is. This is still the getting-to-know-you phase. Evaluate whether this actually works for you; be open to the possibility that it might not be a match in the end.

 

Is he actually looking for a girlfriend at this point in his life? Has he expressly stated that he would like to have a relationship? (in general terms, I mean) Does he feel he actually has the time and energy to devote to the kind of relationship you would like? If not, you might just be fighting a losing battle here.