Long distance relationship brake

[Loki98]

This is my first post so I am sorry if this is completely wrong, and I am not the best writer in English.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for almost half a year now and our relationship has been log distance from the start, she is from Germany and I am from Sweden. Thanks to me having a very free job and she was waiting to get into university we were able to see eachother often. Literaly we were never away from eachother for more than two weeks, either I would go to Germany or she would come to Sweden. And everything was just perfect she loves me and I love her.

But about four weeks ago we realised that I wouldn't get any more free turned for work until summer and she had to paint a lot for university (yes she is going to art school and needs to show them some paintings). So we realised we would be away from eachother for almost 9 weeks but after that we are going to move in together and I emediatly said that this would be hard but we both agreed we would do anything to make this work. So we texted every day and tried to talk as often as possible over Skype. Then all of the sudden two days ago when we were about to talk she told me that she wanted to brake up with me. I was devastated and asked her why, she told me that recently she had gotten so stressed because she had a lot to do with the painting and helping out at home. And she got even more stressed because I always wanted to text and talk and she alway felt really horrible because she didn't want to let me down by not answering. I realised I had gotten to needy but it was like a surprise for me because she haven't said anything or showed any signs of bein sad or stressed (but after looking back now I can see that I had gotten to needy I just haven't realised it myself). After a while of crying and talking to eachother she said she didn't want to end our relationship because she still loves me and wanted to do anything to fix this and so do I. So she said she wanted to take a brake for the rest of the week until Sunday. And it has been two days now but I am feeling horrible. I know that all I should do is try to focus on something else but no matter what I do I can't stop thinking about her. And all I want is to send her a message saying goodnight or good morning or just telling her how much I love her but I am afraid I will push her away even more.

Now I am in a crisis, I don't know what to do, I can't talk to her because then I would make things worse but I can't stop thinking about her either, it is so bad I even had to go home from work because I couldn't think about anything but her. I know this sounds like I am obsessed with her but I wasn't before it started when I thought I was about to lose her and after that I couldn't stop thinking about her. And now I don't know what to do.

 

Sorry that I wrote so much but I think I just needed to get it out of me.

[d0nnivain]

After 1.5 years you two can't manage 9 weeks apart? That sounds like you don't have much of a foundation.

 

If she has to paint & she has responsibilities at home you can't pressure her to always be on the phone or computer with you.

 

Tell her you care about her & that she's busy. Agree to pair down the contact. Have her call you when she's free but take the pressure off.

[Loki98]

Well it has only been 0,5 years (actually not even that more like 0,4 years)

We have a very solid foundation but the problem has been that she didn't want to make me sad by telling me that she was sad and she just kept it to herself until it was basically to late, if I would have know I would have scaled it down earlier.

I know I have to give her space now but back then she was always happy when we talked and I did not even feel like I forced her, we were literally talking 3 hours before she told me she wanted to brake up and she was very happy then (she was smiling and we were talking about what we had done that day and she was playing with her cat).

 

The problem now is she thinks only way to fix this is by talking a brake for the rest of the week (not a relationship brake but just a talking and texting brake). So if I try to tell her that I love her and care about her I think she is going to get

More sad and that would force her even more away from me. So I know I just have to work and do my own thing and not think about her until Sunday but because she told me that she wanted to brake up I started thinking about how much I love her and all it memories and now I can't stop thinking about her again. The brake wouldn't be a problem if I could just stop thinking about her for a couple of days but now I can't for some reason....

[d0nnivain]

You don't have a solid foundation. You have barely known each other for 6 months. That's not long.

 

She's absolutely right about the texting break. If you don't dial back your unrealistic demands on her time while she has this painting project & family obligations, you will lose her. Show her you can be mature & confident. Back off until she is finished with the semester. Right now you are being an annoying pest which is highly unattractive. Stop.

[Loki98]

I don't know about the foundation part because she has already introduced me to all her relatives and she was the one who wanted to move in together even though I thought it was a bit early, but you are probably right anyway.

 

I agree that we needed to take a brake the problem was just that I didn't know I had unrealistic demands because she never said anything and was alway really happy to see me so I thought it was just normal to talk this much (this is my first long distance relationship).

 

And I agree with you I need to stop I have been telling myself that the last two days but for some reason my brain won't let me, I try to go to work and I am basically just standing around not doing a lot sand being lost in my thoughts, and when I am at home For example when I am watching tv I am just staring at it and can't focus on the show. I just need some good tips to stop thinking about her becaus I know I will lose her otherwise.

 

And thanks for your replies so far.

[Tedx7]

Hey, I was in a long distance relationship for 3 years and the trick is to make yourself as busy as the other person. Find a hobby that you love to take your mind off of things.

Also, you don't need to stop all communication. If you really wanna say something, tell her you know she's busy and she doesn't have to respond right away but you were just thinking about her and wanted to tell her she means a lot to you or something like that.

I know those random texts like that always made me smile even if I knew I couldn't respond right then.

[Loki98]

That's my problem I have been trying to do my normal Hobbies, I have been trying to be with my friends, watched movies and played video games (yes I still play video games sometime to relax). But i can't focus on anything and even today when I went back to work I can't seem to focus on anything and when I try to I make a bunch of mistakes and my colleges are really annoyed about it.

I want to send her a text but since I promised her that I wouldn't send her anything until Sunday I am afraid that if I send a nice text like that that I will make things worse. Because I understand that she needs some time but at the same time I can't get her out of my head and it is making everything worse, my friends are annoyed my work is annoyed and I am getting annoyed. i need to get my head back but everything I have tried so far hasn't worked.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Loki98]

Sorry had to write some more. I used to be that busy and it was going really well for a long time but now all of the sudden I can't stop thinking about her and I don't know why, I think it is because I realised how close I was to losing her and now I am just thinking about that all the time.

[d0nnivain]

You are obsessing & that is not helpful

 

 

Try this trick when you have to concentrate: say I'm going to work at my best for 15 minutes. It's only 15 minutes. You can do it. Then say to yourself -- I did 15 minutes. I can do 15 more. And on and on.

 

 

When you feel like reaching out for her, post here, call a friend, do jumping jacks. Do anything except text / call her.

[Loki98]

I know and I want to stop it so I am going to try your trick. It has gotten better since yesterday, now I have been playing with one of my friends for almost two hours and I haven't thought about her at all. And I haven't messaged her either.

 

One thing I don't understand though is why am I obsessing now when I wasn't before. (Yes I texted her several times a day but I could do other things and I didn't just think about her all the time.) I was needy before but now I am obsessing. Does it usually happen when you have been very needy that you become obsessed instead?

[Southwardbound]

It's hard when you're apart, especially if you can have no communication whatsoever. I like to at least text -chat everyday -it doesn't have to be much. But I like to know - he's thinking of me - just as I think of him. I start getting really antsy when it starts getting close to the 30 day mark, if I haven't seen him. So, I get it as I'm in a LDR- is it an obsession (?), no, I don't think so. If you care for someone, you think about them, you want to communicate with them, & you want to see them.