Should I Stay or Stray [UPDATED: should I hookup with others?]

[NLNJ6200]

Okay so I have been in a long distance gay relationship for about 9 months. We're both 17 and plan on meeting next year cause we'll be adults. We have an amazing bond and spend hours video chatting everyday and barely text because most of our talking is on video chat.

 

He always tells me how vital I am to him and he wouldn't be able to live without me. He needs me there when he goes to sleep and always asks me "Am I doing a good job as a boyfriend? Please let me know if I do something wrong." The list goes on of the sweet things he does and says.

 

I love him very much and I know he loves me back...or does he? See, the reason why I am questioning his love is sometimes he is hesitant to be intimate with me. We get intimate on video call and he does not like the idea of well, showing stuff to me.

 

We used to do nude pics a lot and before we started video chatting we'd do regular phone sex. I have no problem with showing on video chat and have done it twice while he's only done it once. He says he's "shy" but I think there's deeper reasoning.

 

The problem doesn't lie with just our online sex. Last night we talked about what we'll do when we meet up and he said "I don't want to have sex with you when we meet. Nor do I wanna kiss you in the airport. I want those to be special, plus I'll be really shy." He said "I just wanna play video games with you and spend time with you."

 

I was definitely taken aback by this. Okay, I know sex and intimacy isn't everything in a relationship. But it's a very important part of it. And he is pretty much refusing to be intimate with me until he deems that it's "special" or because he is "shy".

 

I can understand him wanting to wait to have sex but kissing in the airport is something I had in mind. I thought it would be really romantic and cute after being apart so long. He lives in Florida, I live in NJ. If we work out, I plan on moving there with him.

 

But honestly I don't know now. I've had confidence in the relationship all the way up to this point. I feel hurt and rejected. I also feel like my time is being wasted. I let him know how this hurt me and he said "I don't mean to hurt you. I will just be really shy."

 

That's like the hundredth time he's used "shy" as an excuse. It's really irking me and I don't know what I should do or what you would do in this situation. I'm shy too but I warm up after knowing someone a while. Especially after almost a year of talking!!

 

How can you be shy with someone who you've been with all that time?? It just doesn't make sense. I think "shy" translates to "I only view you as a friend, not as a romantic partner." but I don't wanna jump to conclusions right away.

 

BTW, if it matters any: He and I are both virgins. We never kissed, had sex, cuddled, or been in any real relationship. We are each other's longest relationship. I want to lose my virginity to someone who really cares about me. The reason why I am asking this is because I want you to read and see if he's actually shy or does he not love me. Thanks for your help!!

[Knix]

So a few things...

 

1. Someone saying they'd die without their partner is a little dramatic and it's also pretty manipulative. The fact that he's asking if he's a good boyfriend shows a lot of insecurity.

 

2. Just because you are comfortable with something, doesn't mean everyone else will be. I've had a long term boyfriend of two years ask me to show him my boobs on video chat and I refused,I just didn't feel comfortable with it-- we all have our own reasons. I wouldn't see it as a red flag.

 

3. If you two are both virgins he's going to be a bit shy at first! Just enjoy your time together and let one thing lead to another, pressure is never going to help the situation. it sounds like you're the one more dominant in the relationship so just let him know that whatever he's comfortable with is okay.. help him loosen up when you're together.

 

4. Remember that this is all video chat, he's nervous so he's preparing and protecting himself because of that. But when you two finally meet things might be very different. The in person intimacy will happen, just be patient.

[justwhoiam]

"Should I Stay or Stray"

 

Stray. You don't think alike. You have different personalities and very young. I'm sure he doesn't want to be used as he might be quite fragile, and you seem like the kind who could break his heart in the end, as he's not up to what you need to begin with.

 

Also you said you both didn't have any real relationship but then you're each other's longest relationship. So that means you both had some kind of relationship. Unless you meant a virtual relationship. Well, sorry, but that doesn't count as a relationship. Especially if you never had a bf/gf in person and you're 17.

[NLNJ6200]

Hi everyone, I am in a gay LDR of 9 months. We are pretty close and are each other's longest relationship. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and cares about me. He's also very self-conscious of himself and asks me all the time if he's doing a good job or how he looks.

 

He does do an amazing job, for the most part. Sometimes he isn't very attentive but that's not often. Only once in a while. However here's what brings me to the reason of this post. There is this guy at his school who is "straight" but my bf is sure he is gay/bi.

 

My bf is friends with him and this other straight guy, Daniel who has a girlfriend. This guy (Luke) doesn't have a girlfriend. All three of these guys joke flirt around which I'm okay with cause it's mainly just to annoy them rather than actual flirting with intention.

 

Daniel doesn't concern me. It's Luke that does. He said he and Luke aren't close friends. They just chat at lunch every once in a while and don't even talk often. Yet they exchanged numbers and text occasionally. On Friday, Luke pulled down his pants in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriend told me "he didn't like this" yet he dared Luke to Google gay porn.

 

He did, and started showing it to all his friends as well as Daniel who got mad and told him to stop it. I asked my boyfriend "Could Luke be bi?" and he said "I don't know." and then he said under his breath "I hope he is." So immediately I called him out on that and started hammering him. He tried changing the subject and I told him "NO you are discussing this NOW or I breakup with you!"

 

He started crying and begged me to not leave him. He told me how I am the only guy who he could ever love and that he has never loved someone as much as me. He said I saved him from suicide and brought him out of "the darkness". He said that sometimes he says stuff he doesn't mean but he would never leave me for any other guy. He also said that if he lost me, he would never date or love anyone else.

 

He cried and cried for what seemed like forever. Meanwhile I was getting madder and madder. I questioned him further, asking him if Luke is on any of his social media. He showed me and Luke was nowhere to be found. He also showed me several posts he made about me on social media and how he has my pictures all over his phone and in his room. He even has a notebook full of my pictures.

 

I cried at this point and started apologizing to him. I have severe trust issues and I get jealous EXTREMELY easily. I've been hurt many times in the past and my self-confidence is bad. So I just get very protective of myself. He pretty much showed me how he plasters me everywhere yet I still feel suspicious.

 

Do you think he meant anything by "I hope he is bi" or do you think it could've been something he just said innocuously? Also, he said this right before he fell asleep. He has said stuff he didn't actually mean before he's fallen asleep other times due to his sleeping medication that kind of causes him to say stuff that doesn't make sense.

 

I don't know if I'm over-analyzing this or if I have legitimate concerns here. BTW, yes we are long-distance but we plan on meeting in the near future. We're both 17 and live in different states. We have plenty of communication and there is no other signs that he could be cheating as he pretty much spends every second of his time with me. We only spend an hour or two of not talking, if that. We're pretty much talking 24/7.

 

Thanks for your help!!

[Space Ritual]

Hi everyone, I am in a gay LDR of 9 months. We are pretty close and are each other's longest relationship. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and cares about me. He's also very self-conscious of himself and asks me all the time if he's doing a good job or how he looks.

 

He does do an amazing job, for the most part. Sometimes he isn't very attentive but that's not often. Only once in a while. However here's what brings me to the reason of this post. There is this guy at his school who is "straight" but my bf is sure he is gay/bi.

 

My bf is friends with him and this other straight guy, Daniel who has a girlfriend. This guy (Luke) doesn't have a girlfriend. All three of these guys joke flirt around which I'm okay with cause it's mainly just to annoy them rather than actual flirting with intention.

 

Daniel doesn't concern me. It's Luke that does. He said he and Luke aren't close friends. They just chat at lunch every once in a while and don't even talk often. Yet they exchanged numbers and text occasionally. On Friday, Luke pulled down his pants in front of my boyfriend and my boyfriend told me "he didn't like this" yet he dared Luke to Google gay porn.

 

He did, and started showing it to all his friends as well as Daniel who got mad and told him to stop it. I asked my boyfriend "Could Luke be bi?" and he said "I don't know." and then he said under his breath "I hope he is." So immediately I called him out on that and started hammering him. He tried changing the subject and I told him "NO you are discussing this NOW or I breakup with you!"

 

He started crying and begged me to not leave him. He told me how I am the only guy who he could ever love and that he has never loved someone as much as me. He said I saved him from suicide and brought him out of "the darkness". He said that sometimes he says stuff he doesn't mean but he would never leave me for any other guy. He also said that if he lost me, he would never date or love anyone else.

 

He cried and cried for what seemed like forever. Meanwhile I was getting madder and madder. I questioned him further, asking him if Luke is on any of his social media. He showed me and Luke was nowhere to be found. He also showed me several posts he made about me on social media and how he has my pictures all over his phone and in his room. He even has a notebook full of my pictures.

 

I cried at this point and started apologizing to him. I have severe trust issues and I get jealous EXTREMELY easily. I've been hurt many times in the past and my self-confidence is bad. So I just get very protective of myself. He pretty much showed me how he plasters me everywhere yet I still feel suspicious.

 

Do you think he meant anything by "I hope he is bi" or do you think it could've been something he just said innocuously? Also, he said this right before he fell asleep. He has said stuff he didn't actually mean before he's fallen asleep other times due to his sleeping medication that kind of causes him to say stuff that doesn't make sense.

 

I don't know if I'm over-analyzing this or if I have legitimate concerns here. BTW, yes we are long-distance but we plan on meeting in the near future. We're both 17 and live in different states. We have plenty of communication and there is no other signs that he could be cheating as he pretty much spends every second of his time with me. We only spend an hour or two of not talking, if that. We're pretty much talking 24/7.

 

Thanks for your help!!

 

It does no matter if you are gay o straight.

 

Long Distance Relationships take a BOATLOAD of trust and communication.

 

Tha tbeing the case, can you elaborate whether you and your boyfriend have ever met each other IRL? Your last paragraph is confusing so in order to help you further can you answer that?

[d0nnivain]

The drama of teenaged romance.

 

 

I'm glad your BF is no longer feeling suicidal. However, if you think there is a chance he will self harm, please tell his parents.

 

 

I'm sure he does care about you but recognize that his earnest pledge never to date another if you break up with him is the teenager in him talking. That was not a real lifetime commitment, nor should it be for either of you.

 

 

Your BF's comment about hoping this other guy might be bi was not innocent. He likes the other guy. The fact that other guy pulled down his pants in front of your BF is a pretty big indicator that he's at least bi curious. I do not know any straight teenaged boy who would voluntarily let a known gay boy see his junk (Except in a very dark bullying scenario which is not what you're describing) As a straight woman I don't really understand the behavior but several gay friends have informed me that showing off one's "assets" early on even before formally dating is a common practice.

 

 

Since this is an LDR, you have to keep up the communications & the time you & your BF spend together. The other guy has the advantage of proximity.

 

 

Don't try forbidding your BF from talking to him but do keep your eyes open.

 

 

Best wishes.

[NLNJ6200]

Hi everyone, I made a post on here last night about my long-distance boyfriend possibly liking someone else IRL. The answers I got were pretty helpful and I may possibly be making a decision soon.

 

See, I made an account on an app called Surge (a gay social app) on Sunday and I have been getting soooo much attention on there. There are these two guys I am talking to. One is 25 and the other is 29. They both live very close to me and both are offering the chance to hookup.

 

They're both attractive to me however the 29 year old is even hotter to me. I have a thing for older guys so these ages really hit my kinks. My boyfriend lives in Florida, I live in New Jersey. We never met and even when we do plan on meeting next year, he is adamant not to have sex. Just "spend time" with each other.

 

Here are TWO opportunities to lose my virginity. Yes they're much older and yes I'm only 17 but here in NJ, the age of consent is 16. I would certainly use protection as well if I decided to follow through with this. They are very nice guys and aren't just looking for hookups either.

 

The 25 year old is also looking for a workout buddy and someone to go on hikes with and the 29 year old is looking for a boyfriend but is pretty much down for anything. They are both willing to come to me as well rather than have me come to them.

 

I am pretty much torn between staying faithful to a guy I've only known online and who may not be possibly staying faithful to me or losing my virginity AND having casual sex partners IRL. My bf and I have been together 9 months and have a very strong connection. We've even exchanged gifts and I got him a promise ring recently.

 

We video chat daily for hours and I've met his sister, mom, dad, and brother on video chat as well. They all like me very much. I just don't know what to do I need help. My family is very liberal and openminded so they wouldn't mind me having sex with someone older than me as long as it's consensual and I use protection.

 

But they also like my boyfriend and would hate to see me cheat. It's just my intuition is telling me to keep talking to these guys. My intuition has been right many times before. UGHHH what do I do?? Please help. If you were in my shoes, what would you do? Thanks for your help again!! This site is amazing.

[VeveCakes]

You're a Virgin. Please don't have sex with a stranger for your first time. These guys are just looking to use you because you are young naive and an easy target. Once they get what they want they will be gone.

 

If you are chatting up guys you are already cheating. Dump your bf and be single for a while. Casual hook ups are ok but I would be cautious at your age. You are very young and inexperienced and many men will take advantage of you because of this.

[Space Ritual]

You're a Virgin. Please don't have sex with a stranger for your first time. These guys are just looking to use you because you are young naive and an easy target. Once they get what they want they will be gone.

 

If you are chatting up guys you are already cheating. Dump your bf and be single for a while. Casual hook ups are ok but I would be cautious at your age. You are very young and inexperienced and many men will take advantage of you because of this.

 

OP,

 

Please do yourself a favor and read what Veve Cakes just wrote to you and read it over and over and over. Because it's the best advice you can possibly get from someone here

[kimiky]

Apart from what cakes already said... Why you worry so much for being a virgin? Is it social pressure? Do you realize you are wasting a good opportunity because what matters to you is sex? Im straight but im currently with someone i met online too. When we met, we didnt kiss at the bus station, because you think you will dare but once you meet is completely different, its a new person to you even if you believe you know him. We neither had sex the first two meetings (well not what you consider loosing virginity at least), we had to adapt and plan it (contraceptives) but wasnt important because we were getting well and clicking a lot. I met him at your same age, and its been 7 years since first chat, so even if you are not mature enough you dont know if he will be the love of your life.

You are still very young.. If you love him and you dont try you will never know, probably it wont be your first relationship.

[NLNJ6200]

I'm unsure how to update posts on here but I've been posting about my long distance relationship and how I was contemplating hooking up with others. My original post is "Stay or Stray" and I received many good answers on there.

 

However, I would like to update everyone on my decision. I have decided to stay faithful to my boyfriend of 9 months rather than hookup with people just for pleasure. What I have with him is extremely special and although it might take a while to be physically intimate with him, I am more than willing to wait.

 

I would be a complete idiot to throw away what I have just for a quick encounter, not to mention risk STDs or being kidnapped/killed! We have exchanged promise rings recently and I intend to stay true to that promise. I deleted my hookup apps and never intend to go on there again.

 

Thank you all for your help! You helped me with my decision. I'm really glad I came on here for advice rather than follow through with my stupid ideas and do something I'd regret for the rest of my life.

[kimiky]

Glad to know you changed your mind, when will you two meet? What we always say, keep your expectations mid to low, you will meet this person completely again in real life, new smell, a skin sensation, voice is different, shyness will go against you two. Maybe exchange rings is a little too exagerated for someone you still dont know. But I wish you the best of lucks.