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I can't keep holding on to something that is in the past


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I spent a year living overseas and in that time had a six month 'relationship' with someone I met there. We never talked about what it was because we knew I had to leave after one year, but we were monogamous, spent all our time together, were considered a couple by all our friends etc...

 

When it came time for me to leave neither of us knew what to say. We were both upset and hadn't had anything like this with someone else for a very long time. We've kept in contact via messaging, video calls etc for the last 3 months. We talk as if nothing has changed, as if we're going to see each other after work some day. But we won't.

 

I have to try and make my life here now, I have to accept that that time is over. I find myself missing him more as time goes on and it's really affecting my ability to be happy here. I feel like I need to tell him how I feel, to tell him that I care too much, miss him too much and I want to be happy. How can I do this without causing hurt?

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Are you sure that it wouldn't be possible for both of you to be together one way or another? If there's a slightest chance still, I'd try to make it work. If you decide not to pursue this matter, you may deeply regret your decision later on...

 

Remember: communication is very important in such situations. The more you wait, the harder it becomes to reconcile later. Even if you didn't talk about this with him, it is still not too late to do so. After that happens, if you feel that he decided to let you go even without saying so directly, then you would need to start thinking about how to move on.

Edited by codest
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in my opinion, if going and living there isnt an option, then i would recommend cutting ties. something to consider, is where you in the "honeymoon phase" for the entire duration of your relationship? if so, the relationship may turn out different then what you expect. i was with the wrong girl for a year and a half. after the honey moon phase, i hated her guts, as i realized how abusive she was, but i was in denial. that is an extreme case, but my point is, the rose color glasses may have a part to play in this. the distance gives you a chance to look at it objectively.

 

if you have no chance to move there, i'd say in the next 2 years or so, then i would recommend cutting ties. it's best for you, and him in the long run. theres so many people in the world, and near you too! i would just let him know: "hey, ive been thinking a lot about this, and even though i love you, what sort of relationship could we have like this? there is no future and it eats me up inside." then let him know that you think it would be best for both of you to move on, no matter how painful it is.

 

the longer you wait, the harder it will be. it may seem cold and heartless, but because you love him, you need to let go if theres no future. you are holding him and yourself from finding other people whom they can hold, and kiss and show affection and start a life together.

 

 

anyways, i hope this helps!

 

sincerely, Aaron

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You decided to live the moment without thinking about the consequences. You live as if you had no past and no future.

 

Why is it suddenly difficult to cut ties with him? Why is it even important how he feels when you don't feel like hearing from him ever again? Those are the real questions that need to be answered.

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What practical issues are stopping the two of you from being together? I don't mean friends/family/education because that can all be worked around for the right person. I'm talking visa and work permits issues.

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Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the help. Visa wise it is not possible for me to return at the moment, maybe in a few years once I get to a higher level in my career field I could get sponsored by a company there but not at the minute.

 

The only way we could be together would be for him to move even temporarily to where I am. He could get a visa for two years but I don't feel like I could ask him to do that. He has never wanted to live overseas and he has a good job there.

 

I know you are all correct and whatever I decide to say I need to say something to him I'm just trying to find the right words. I suppose I wonder if I should just tell him how much I miss him and that I wish there was a way it could be different, if he felt the same maybe we could talk about the possibilities... I guess I'm just scared that once i say something it is final. If he agrees and says it's hard on him too but I'm right there's no way it will be different I'll have to just accept it. I know it sounds stupid but at the minute I feel like I'm leading myself on, finding some comfort in the what ifs and maybes no matter how small...

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