Is it over for good? (Long post, I'm really sorry)

[mrmvz]

Hi everyone. I am seeking for some advice/help here. Sorry for the post being so long.

 

So, at exactly 1 year and a half (Sept 2015) I met a girl who was on holiday in my country. We got along really well and hanged out for 2 nights, before she went went back to her country. Since then we talked EVERY single day, first only by text, but then also by phone calls and facetime. I am 24, she is 25.

 

I visited her 4 times during this 1.5 year for 10 days each time, and she visited me twice for about the same time each as well. We shared some really amazing times and couldn’t wait to see each other again every time we got apart.

 

At the time of my second visit, in February 2016, we were getting really really well and one night she asked me “what happens when you go?”, like asking what was I feeling about our relationship and the future. I’d already thought about having that conversation, because she was the only one I wanted to be with, and apparently she felt the same at that time. But for some weird reason I wasn’t expecting her to bring it and told her something like “I don’t know…”. I still think about my reaction today, it was weird and it didn’t make much sense. The result was that she thought I didn’t like her the same way she liked me and that I didn’t want commitment. Which unfortunately wasn’t true.

 

Anyway we kept talking like before, our speech didn’t change and we kept showing how important we were for each other. We started planning my third visit as well. And I wanted to wait to have that conversation again in person. But I could only visit her 5 months after the last time and that is a long time so yeah somewhere between those months between visits I brought up the commitment conversation again and she told me that maybe it was a bit late to do that. Basically she thought there would be no future for us, and started planning a move to Australia this year (this was a year ago, and we both live in countries in Europe, btw) and started thinking of it as an end of a chapter of her life, since she wasn’t very happy with her job and life in the city she was living. Of course this would complicate things, since we would only commit if one of us moved to the other one’s country any time soon. Well but we still had one year with both of us still in Europe so we decided to stay in an open relationship and visit each other as many times we could.

 

So we visited each other 4 more times after this (2 each) and all went well. But things got really intense and everytime we went back to our countries we would struggle too much with missing each other. In a bit of an unhealthy way.

 

Meanwhile she decided she wasn’t actually moving to Australia, but travelling was still on her plans. I supported her on that decision, since it was something she always wanted to do, before she met me. So she planned travelling for 3 months. First I thought it would be okay, since we were already in a LDR, and 3 months is not that long.

 

But this is when things started to go down a bit. The uncertainty of a future together and the struggling of missing each other so much wasn’t doing us any favour. Again, we talked EVERY day since we met. And when she would go travelling, with the different timezones and routines, it was almost certain that things would change. So she started advising me that things would probably not be the same when she go away.

 

Her feelings for me started fading from this point, she told me. She said I was too much important to her and asked if we could continue talking to each other, which I agreed. She also said she was afraid that one day she might regret not moving to my country (where she said multiple times she would love to live) to live with me.

 

So right now she is travelling with a friend. For 25 days already. In the first days things were pretty normal, she told me how much she would like me to be there with her and that she really missed me. Sent me pictures every day etc. I was doing alright at first but then I started noticing slight changes in her speech. Until the day she didn’t say a single word to me. I get it, she’s occupying her head with other things, she’s having fun and meeting other people. I knew this could happen, and she advised me so, but I thought I would cope well, I just needed to wait 3 months like this. The problem is that I still have the same routine as before. I study, I work, but now I can’t talk all day every day with the person I love and that I’ve been talking to for the last year and a half. So things started getting too much unhealthy for me.

 

So I told her this and she said she didn’t want to stop talking and that it was going to be really hard but that we needed to do what was right for me. She said that she’d never been able to get over someone while still talking to them and that maybe I should take a few days to think about it. This was on the phone. Then we texted a bit after and she send me some things like:

“I’m scared because we’ve had such incredible times together, our story is amazing and maybe something might happen in the future. But I know that those reasons aren’t good enough to keep going and keep hurting you”,

“You’re so important to me, and I’ve tried to handle it the best way possible but may have actually made things harder”,

“So I will wait and you will message me if you want to talk, is that okay?”,

“If you need me I’ll be here, but you really need to think about you right now”

She then ended with: “I know I shouldn’t say it but one more time: I’m really gonna miss you, you changed my life. Let me know when you want to talk.”

 

Is it over for good? I know that I need some time without contact. Focus on me and try not to think of her, because I am still too attached. Should I at least not say anything for a month? More than that? Less? She’s obviously not expecting a lot of time, and although she doesn’t feel the same for me as before, she still likes me. I’m afraid that not contacting her for too long causes the end of attraction for good. We survived all this time because we kept talking every day. I believe that “distance doesn’t separate people, but silence does”. And since we were already distant physically, I’m not sure if no contact is ideal for us.

 

Any advice? Thank you so much for reading this until the end. I really appreciate it.

[justwhoiam]

Hi everyone

Hi and welcome to the LS LDR forum.

 

I will say things that are not politically correct. So you can go on reading or just stop here if that might bother you. What I'm about to say is based on my personal experience and what I see happening to other couples too.

 

Women are generally more insecure, and need reassurement. You take that out of the picture, and you will give the impression that she's right not being sure about the current arrangement. That's exactly what you did. You came across as insecure, you didn't make her feel comfortable in the relationship, and you allowed it to be open.

 

Now, she's away for 3 months, but actually only 2 months to go. She's stll attached to you and wouldn't want to see you go but, in a very mature way, she's letting you go. She threw the hot potato right into your hands, so that you will make a decision. You are the one having the problem with her being away, in an open relationship.

 

Now, if I were in your shoes, I'd chill out a bit. I would reassure her that I just had a bit of a freak out from her being farther away than usual and not to worry that I'll be fine and love will overcome all obstacles. I wouldn't say anything too binding (no talks about being exclusive or anything that will scare her away). Be there, laugh with her, support her, and be the one she loves calling or going back to, as you'll put a smile on her face. If I really cared about her, I'd be that man. Then, when she's back, it's time to make decisions. Either she moves to you, or you find another practical, viable solution that will work for you both. If you're good enough, the spark will still be there, and hopefully she won't hook up with some Australian guy or anyone else. Even when she comes back though, you're not entitled to ask questions about that for a while.

 

On the other hand, if you think you can't sustain the situation, as it's unbearable to you, then stop contacting her, but that - yes - might be the end of it.

[mrmvz]

First of all, thank you justwhoiam for taking the time and read my story.

 

Women are generally more insecure, and need reassurement. You take that out of the picture, and you will give the impression that she's right not being sure about the current arrangement. That's exactly what you did. You came across as insecure, you didn't make her feel comfortable in the relationship, and you allowed it to be open.

 

I understand what you're saying and I agree with you. At that time I thought the only way for us to continue our relationship was allowing it to be open. But yeah, I was probably afraid, I didn't want it to end and allowed it. Today I wouldn't do the same.

 

Now, if I were in your shoes, I'd chill out a bit. I would reassure her that I just had a bit of a freak out from her being farther away than usual and not to worry that I'll be fine and love will overcome all obstacles. I wouldn't say anything too binding (no talks about being exclusive or anything that will scare her away). Be there, laugh with her, support her, and be the one she loves calling or going back to, as you'll put a smile on her face. If I really cared about her, I'd be that man.

 

Thats exactly what I want to do and why I asked for advice, because I was not sure if that would benefit me. So you say, just be there not expecting anything from her? Talking to each other at her own pace, so that she doesn't feel like she has to talk to me every day? She said that she didn't want to feel like she had to.

 

Then, when she's back, it's time to make decisions. Either she moves to you, or you find another practical, viable solution that will work for you both. If you're good enough, the spark will still be there, and hopefully she won't hook up with some Australian guy or anyone else. Even when she comes back though, you're not entitled to ask questions about that for a while.

 

I'm not entitled to ask about our future together for a while when she comes back or ask about hook ups? Lol sorry it confused me. The latter, I really don't want to know and will not ask questions ever. But maybe I shouldn't ask for decisions right away when she comes home, right?

 

Again, I appreciate you took the time to read and reply!

[NTV]

I think you're letting yourself get played. She's probably got 3 dudes on the hook just like you are. Even if she doesn't there is little value in a limited relationship like this. Agree to stop talking and say something like 'maybe we'll meet again when we can have a chance for a real face to face relationship'.

 

Then ghost her. Don't respond to anything else she sends you. Chat up some women at the pub and hang out with some of your buddies. Live life.

 

That's my advice.

[mrmvz]

I think you're letting yourself get played. She's probably got 3 dudes on the hook just like you are. Even if she doesn't there is little value in a limited relationship like this. Agree to stop talking and say something like 'maybe we'll meet again when we can have a chance for a real face to face relationship'.

 

Then ghost her. Don't respond to anything else she sends you. Chat up some women at the pub and hang out with some of your buddies. Live life.

 

That's my advice.

 

Thanks for the advice

[justwhoiam]

I didn't want it to end and allowed it

I think there's a difference between allowing it and looking for it.

 

So you say, just be there not expecting anything from her?

Yes, though it's a tricky balance, if you don't want to end up in her friend-zone.

Talking to each other at her own pace, so that she doesn't feel like she has to talk to me every day?

Don't be needy. She will get back to you when she is comfortable to do so. When she does, don't question her. Be positive. Make her feel important to you, without overdoing it.

 

I'm not entitled to ask about our future together for a while when she comes back or ask about hook ups?

The latter.

 

The latter, I really don't want to know and will not ask questions ever.

Don't say "ever".......... Ha!

 

But maybe I shouldn't ask for decisions right away when she comes home, right?

You'll need to assess how she feels about you. There's still time before that moment comes.

 

Again, I appreciate you took the time to read and reply!

You're welcome.