Sm12345 Posted March 12, 2017 Share Posted March 12, 2017 This is probably an easy one, but the woman I'm having a ldr with told me over the weekend that two weeks ago, she saw her ex and they were both lonely and horny, so they slept together. She's 37, I'm 35. We saw each other in person this weekend. I live in Ottawa, she lives in Montreal about two hours away. Her and this guy dated casually before we got together. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
montie1 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Thought. Can't really say what I think this forum doesn't allow abusive language. A lot of people are lonely and horny. Doesn't mean they jump in bed with someone's doesn't matter who. Especially when they are involved with someone. Easier said than done but it's your decision. That's a slap in the face my friend. Respect yourself enough to end it and not allow someone mess around with you. Tell her its over and you no longer wish to see or speak with her. That should be it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 End it. You have no future here. However, why you would even think about staying in something like this you really need to fix yourself. Do you have codependency issues? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sm12345 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 End it. You have no future here. However, why you would even think about staying in something like this you really need to fix yourself. Do you have codependency issues? I don't. I think she's afraid to be alone. I actually enjoy being single. It's taken a long time, but I honestly do. Unfortunately we weren't exclusive, and it's long distance, so it's easier for her to see this other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 If its not exclusive then it's none of your concern then. LTR rarely work out. I wouldn't put to much into this relationship. Clearly she's isnt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chris516 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Remind her of what she did. If she responds with some garbage like, 'You don't control me!!!!'. Show her the door. Because she did care about you. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 If it was an exclusive relationship, then first I'd ask WHY? and second, I'd say that now is the time to renegotiate your terms. If it wasn't an exclusive relationship, then first I'd ask WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? Unless you are head over heels in love with this girl, which it doesn't sound like, then so what? If you put in as much time to hunt for girls as you do maintaining a LDR, then I'd have to believe you could have a local girl or two within a month or so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 If you weren't exclusive it wasn't cheating but I'm sure that logical hardly makes your heart feel better. Proximity wins over fidelity with this woman. Unless you can close the distance gap I don't see her as LDR material. She will give in to her baser urges more often than not. She gets some points for telling you but the fact remains she wants more physical contact then you can give her because of the distance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I don't. I think she's afraid to be alone. I actually enjoy being single. It's taken a long time, but I honestly do. Unfortunately we weren't exclusive, and it's long distance, so it's easier for her to see this other guy. I fail to see the problem. You're in a non-exclusive long distance relationship. Sex with someone physically available was inevitable and exactly what you agreed to when you agreed to being non-exclusive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 This is probably an easy one, but the woman I'm having a ldr with told me over the weekend that two weeks ago, she saw her ex and they were both lonely and horny, so they slept together. She's 37, I'm 35. We saw each other in person this weekend. I live in Ottawa, she lives in Montreal about two hours away. Her and this guy dated casually before we got together. Thoughts? Okay, not exclusive...soooo, why did she feel it was necessary to share that she was intimate with someone else? Was she trying to make you jealous, commit or to dump her....you may want to share some more of the dynamics in the R for us to have a better idea? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Titanll Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 What thoughts are you asking for? You're not exclusive and you say that you enjoy being single. What are your thoughts? If you want an exclusive relationship, I would say this chick is probably not the one to have that relationship with. Unless you left out a ton of details, she doesn't sound like she has much self control but, then again, she's free to do whatever floats her boat. If you want something more casual, then you should have zero concerns about what she does. You know this and you are here asking because, I suspect, you want something more than a casual relationship. Simple: Communicate your intentions, set some rules and if she's on board, enjoy your relationship. If she doesn't want the same thing, no harm, no foul...wish her the best and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sm12345 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 We weren't exclusive, but after my last visit at the end of January, we had discussed the idea of "trying again." This visit was sort of a test to see if the chemistry was still there and if there was enough here to get back together. She's also been for coffee a few times with another guy, but seemed to only be seeing him to take her mind off things between us. I can't really begin to figure out her thought process. She knows I think this other guy, (let's call him R), is using her for sex. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. But she appears to be using this other guy, (let's call him S). Frankly, she's acting incredibly immature for a 37 year old. And I'm honestly wondering why I even bother at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sm12345 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Okay, not exclusive...soooo, why did she feel it was necessary to share that she was intimate with someone else? Was she trying to make you jealous, commit or to dump her....you may want to share some more of the dynamics in the R for us to have a better idea? My original thought was that she wanted to get everything out in the open. Obviously I'm not thrilled about hearing she slept with an ex shortly before we were about to go for dinner and after we'd had sex. I invited her to stay with me in a nice hotel, to see if there was enough for us to get back together, but as was earlier stated, she seems to put proximity over fidelity and I'm not convinced I can trust her not to feel lonely again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 My original thought was that she wanted to get everything out in the open. Obviously I'm not thrilled about hearing she slept with an ex shortly before we were about to go for dinner and after we'd had sex. I invited her to stay with me in a nice hotel, to see if there was enough for us to get back together, but as was earlier stated, she seems to put proximity over fidelity and I'm not convinced I can trust her not to feel lonely again. I completely agree with your conclusion....she's not in a place to commit to you...also, she's willing to use others to get over her own hurdles...is this the person you want? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 If she is having sex with other men and she seems to value proximity, what she's telling you is that she is lonely in a LDR. You should respect that, it's not an invalid position. You say you used a stay in a hotel room + sex to see if you could have an LDR, then she slept with someone else. Clearly, she's not hiding things from you. From where I sit, you got your question answered pretty clearly. Why are you fighting this? Go over there, bang her one or two final times with passion, vigor and gusto and then say your goodbyes and wish her well. Make a nice memory of it, but don't kid yourself. Then, I'm quite sure there are women local to you who also value proximity. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sm12345 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 I woke up to this message. It's long, but it makes sense to the situation. "I understand everything you are saying. I understand why you got mad. Before you called me trash and everything else you have said since, I was willing to stay in touch and be friends. But now, I don't think I can be. You keep saying how I turn things on you to be your fault but I'm not. However your words have consequences too. You have shown me what you truly feel and I get it. To go back now and say, nevermind, you are willing to forget it and start clean is not sufficient for me. Yes, we have a connection but it's all we have. We can barely spend 24 hours together without issues. You call me grumpy. Which is true. But I'm not a grumpy person. I get grumpy with you because that's how I react to situations. You get defensive. Neither of us are wrong in all this. I just don't see anything happening again between. A friendship at best and right now that's even in question. Sorry this is long but it's the only time I will have today to write to you. I have meetings all afternoon until I leave. I can maybe consider keeping in touch to see if we can be friendly but that is all I can offer right now. The relationship has changed forever and I don't see it going back. We've tried our best. Despite a connection we are not compatible. I hope that after all I am saying now you don't freak out and remove me again from FB because like I said before, I would like to be able to contact in case of anything. When we are in the clear, a decision can be made to see if wish to remain friends on FB. I still care about what happens to you in life. But I just don't see it working between us. Have a good day. Let me know what you think when you have a moment. I may not respond because I'm super busy." And yes, I do have other options here that I had only recently put on hold to try making this work. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Move on no response needed 4 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) the woman I'm having a ldr with You're a two-hour drive from her. It's not a LDR. Ok? You can meet up in an hour or 2. That's not distance. It's a matter of convenience. Let's say it's inconvenient to you, to her, or both, to drive for an hour or two in order to meet up. she saw her ex and they were both lonely and horny, so they slept together. [...] Her and this guy dated casually before we got together. Thoughts? My only thought is she's into brief encounters and enjoys sex NSA. I actually enjoy being single If you do, then start getting used to sharing a woman with others. And consider yourself lucky to still get some. Unfortunately we weren't exclusive This is funny. "Unfortunately"... what do you mean by that? The non-exclusivity didn't depend on you? You clearly stated you enjoy being single, which makes me think you didn't offer her anything other than sex. If that's the case (and clearly seems like it), then be ready to face the ugly side of it, which is you're just one on the list. after my last visit at the end of January, we had discussed the idea of "trying again." This visit was sort of a test to see if the chemistry was still there and if there was enough here to get back together. "Trying again", "get back together"... the concept of getting back together means there was a break up somewhere. You're not telling the whole story here. She knows I think this other guy, (let's call him R), is using her for sex. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship And? She's seeing multiple guys who probably are not too different from one another, at least goal-wise. You don't seem better than him. So who are you to judge him? she's acting incredibly immature for a 37 year old. Again, it's funny, because you claim she's immature for sleeping around, not realizing that's what you've been doing too. The moment you steer clear from a relationship, but still want to benefit from sex with a woman, and would want the same woman to agree to having sex with you but get bothered at the knowledge of her sleeping with others, then you show signs of being very immature. I woke up to this message. It's long, but it makes sense to the situation. "[...] you called me trash and everything else you have said since Ah, now it's all clear. You really messed up. There's a lot of resentment now on both parts. It makes sense you go on being single. Edited March 15, 2017 by justwhoiam 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sm12345 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Firstly, my point on being single is more in relation to the quality of women on dating sites. I wouldn't say being single is my end game, I actually enjoy being in a relationship. But I don't date just because I feel lonely. And I certainly wouldn't sleep with an ex, just because I'm lonely. We dated in early October. She visited in November and I visited just before Christmas. We broke up because she felt I wasn't as invested and that's probably true. But I went to see one of my favourite bands with her in Montreal at the end of January and we had a really great time. I stayed with her, and we discussed getting back together, with this most recent visit as the impetus to see if we could get along. Everything was great chemistry wise, but hearing she had slept with her ex was very off putting. Considering we were also skyping, I felt hurt that she hadn't reached out to me when she was lonely. I guess I still don't understand how you could say you love someone and sleep with an ex you professed to have no feelings for. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 We broke up because she felt I wasn't as invested and that's probably true. I guess that's the key to your questions, her behavior included. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Just move on. It's not worth it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Move on no response neededWell, I'd probably close it out formally, to reduce the chances of ever hearing from her again. After giving your wise thoughts much consideration, goodbye forever! No hard feelings. Then block everywhere so you don't have to endure a single moment more. Link to post Share on other sites
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