Jump to content

Finally closing the gap...but now dealing with cold feet and guilt...


Recommended Posts

make1thappen

Hi everyone! I have been silently reading through people's posts here for a while now and have found strength and encouragement reading the advice from the wider LS community :-) just wanted to thank you all first for reading this!

 

Just a quick background of my LDR - my boyfriend (29) and I (28) have spent 1 year together physically being moving away to our respective countries in Europe/Asia after university. We've been in LDR for about more than 3 years now.

 

A few months ago, I was in a situation at work where employees were fired, and I was a likely candidate too. During this time, a manager I worked with in the US (I am working in Asia) offered me a fantastic opportunity to take on a job in NY - it was the golden ticket to "make it big" in Wall Street. I have been looking out for a chance to move up the corporate ladder, so this was very exciting. While my boyfriend did not prefer for me to move, he was accepting of my decision if it were to happen (albeit for not too long).

 

However, I decided to apply for an external job in Europe where my partner is based in during this time as well, given the uncertainty in my company. Long story short, the scenario that I wished didn't happen came true - I ended up receiving offers for both the internal (US) and external (Europe) one, and had to decide.

 

After thinking through both for the longest time - I gave up on the US role, resigned, and decided to move to Europe. My boyfriend is obviously elated about me coming over to be with him, and I made the decision with the intention of seeing through this relationship given I have the chance to do so.

 

However, now that reality has finally sunken in that I am actually going to uproot my life, a potentially stellar career in NY, as well as my family and friends here for him, I can't help feeling emotionally conflicted and upset over a few things:

 

- My family. I am really close and live with my mother; my father works alone overseas. With me moving away (for the first time too), I feel very responsible and guilty for changing the family dynamics permanently; just thinking of my mother being lonely at home and not having anyone to talk to makes me very upset and guilty, especially when I am the eldest child and should be taking care of my parents as they get older.

- Cultural differences. My parents, with their somewhat traditional Asian values, are not fully supportive of my decision to move. They think I should have gone to NY instead given the career opportunity. They also have strong expectations for my boyfriend, coming from Chinese values, that makes it very difficult for me as my boyfriend is not from that background and while I see where they're coming from (and I agree to some of these to some extent), I can't force these expectations on him either. Mediating my parent's expectations and requirements makes it very difficult for me, and my mother being upset/sad of some of his "Western" ways makes it even harder for me to feel happy myself about making this decision.

- Career. While there's no turning back now given I've quit my job, I can't help but feel slightly regretful of my decision to have sacrificed my potential career in NY for the LDR. I am a very career-driven person, and so this was a very painful decision to make, especially with a company I have become very attached to and successful in.

 

I'm just so preoccupied and sad counting down the remaining days I have before I move away for the first time, that I can't enjoy the fact that I will be living together with my boyfriend again. I should be practicing the language there, but can't bring myself to it as I feel so conflicted. I am also starting to feel a bit resentful of my boyfriend, given I am preparing to uproot my entire life for him while he doesn't have to sacrifice anything himself. Have been moping/crying on and off for the last few weeks, worried about my mother, how it will turn out in Europe, starting a new and unknown life in Europe. It's a horrible feeling, and I wish it would stop.

 

If anyone can share their experiences that would be REALLY helpful! Sorry for the long post! xx

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi OP,

 

I moved to be with my partner several years ago. Admittedly it wasn't as difficult a decision as yours, as the country that I was moving to was far better than the country I was living in at the time (and also, I didn't have a job offer in the US ). But the fear and the cold feet was definitely there. I think it's normal and human to be afraid of the unknown, afraid of taking a plunge like that. I would be more concerned if you weren't worried at all, to be honest.

 

Was it a mistake to decline the job offer in the US? Maybe. Maybe not. But life's like that, we make mistakes sometimes and we learn from them. It's all part of the experience. In the worst case scenario, if you move to Europe and your relationship doesn't work out, surely it wouldn't be an irreversible mistake? You've experienced life in a new country, you have more job experience and relationship experience under your belt. All that really matters.

 

As for your mother, as a fellow Asian I understand the cultural concept of filial piety. But there should be a limit to it. IMO no one should feel obligated to live their life solely for their parents or to give up their dreams to be with their parents. And I personally think that if parents truly loved their child, they wouldn't want their child to give up their life for them. So go and live your life, but try and find ways to make it easier for her. Call her often and visit as much as you can.

 

If there's no way of retrieving the US job offer, I think you should go to Europe and give it a chance - who knows what life holds in store for you there. It'll be an adventure at the very least.

 

All the best!

Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
make1thappen

@Elswyth - Thanks so much for your reply. You're absolutely right; it's not an irreversible decision, and I will still be able to go back to Asia at any point should I decide to return. I'm trying to think of this more as an adventure and see how things go, rather than think too much of the what-if's and guilt of moving away from everyone at home.

 

It's always encouraging to hear success stories, especially from a fellow Asian who also understands some of the more intricate cultural challenges! I just hope it all works out like your move, and am happy to hear that it's possible.

 

I am currently flathunting with my partner as we are planning to live together once I relocate, although I have read from previous threads on LS that it isn't always the best to go from LDR to living under the same roof. Not sure as to how that would work for us, although I would hope and believe it should go well...!

 

Thanks again for your encouraging words, it really helps :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No worries. :) Hope it works out for you too!

 

Re: moving in together immediately after closing the distance, I know that some people are against it but I personally don't think it would be an issue. I mean, sure, living together for the first time does come with it's own challenges, but that would be true for any couple. I don't see how living separately at first would mitigate that.

 

IMO, you can't ever really go back to the "dating" phase once you've made a huge act of commitment like moving countries for another person (or conversely, financially supporting someone who is moving countries for you). Living separately isn't going to bring you back to that phase, either. Might as well embrace the fact that you are a long- term couple and do what long term couples do. You've been together for 3 years anyway with 1 year being a local relationship, so I don't think it would be too soon for you to move in together.

 

I personally did live separately from my partner for a few months since he couldn't break his lease. But IMO that actually made things more difficult since there were two places to pay rent for rather than just one, and finances were tight. Things got a lot better once his lease was over and we could move in together. I know couples who moved in together immediately after closing the distance and they turned out fine, too.

 

So yeah, relax. It should be okay. :) And if it turns out not to be, it probably wasn't meant to be anyway.

Edited by Elswyth
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not trying to cause more doubt or anxiety...

 

I just wanted to say that I don't know that I would have the courage to do what you are doing. I admire your strength and sense of adventure!

 

I hope you love Europe - in my next life, I want to be born European ;)

 

Best wishes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you been to Europe before?

Which country are you moving to?

 

If I were you I would be wanting to move to my own place rather than right into the serious living together stuff.

What are his views on living together? Are they akin with yours? As in the usual day to day elements of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I feel very responsible and guilty for changing the family dynamics permanently
That was going to happen soon or later. Maybe it's time for your father to move back home, or your mother can follow him. Now she doesn't have to take care of you anymore. About taking care of parents when they get older... at times we make plans in our mind that are not really going to work out, as things go differently than we expected. Guess if your parents decided to move to a different country, for instance. Once they are retired, they can do whatever they want, right? And they don't have to ask for your permission.

 

Cultural differences
What are the cultural differences that you're worried about? Have you talked to him about that? What are his Western ways that you and your family dislike?

 

Career. While there's no turning back now given I've quit my job, I can't help but feel slightly regretful of my decision to have sacrificed my potential career in NY for the LDR. I am a very career-driven person, and so this was a very painful decision to make, especially with a company I have become very attached to and successful in.
I opted out of a career too, and pursued another, less rewarding financially but as fascinating as the other one. I did it to be with the person I fell for. Even after decades, I don't regret. You are regretting it now, and it's not a good sign. But maybe it's just the fear of regretting it later on in life. Anyway, having these bad feelings about it is not good. You should have listened to your instinct. If the sacrifice was going to hurt you, then that was your clue that you had to wait before making the leap. Maybe you could have taken on the new job in NYC for 6 months, and see if that life was for you. Now it's more a case of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome).

 

I'm just so preoccupied and sad counting down the remaining days
The fact that your parents are against this relationship is not helping you. I guess it makes it a lot harder. The feeling of disappointing one's parents can be hard to deal with. Especially if you want them to still think high of you and you're very attached to them. You can now prove them they were right or they were wrong. Parents can go wrong too.

 

I am also starting to feel a bit resentful of my boyfriend
This is going to affect your relationship in a very bad way. Stop worrying now. These feelings also come from the fear of the unknown.

 

I don't have any experience of moving out of country permanently. I feel I don't have to give up EVERYTHING to be with him. If I moved to the US, I feel I'd have to come back to my country now and then. Or even split the time I'm here or there. Some balance can be good for both.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...