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Complete dread after visit?


Ilovelifeforwhatcome

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Ilovelifeforwhatcome

My LD bf just left, he was here for nearly 2 weeks. I have been emotional all day, not eating and just crying sporadically. The days were wonderful and I know that really care about him and love him. The problem is stages in our lives. My bf is younger then me by 6 years and he has a lot of growing to do. I knew this from the beginning and now I want to see what happens over the next couple of months.

 

We met online and I have been down there twice, I plan on visiting him in a couple months. This trip was a reality check for both of us, he understands that he needs to move forward in life. I know he loves me, but he is worried he is wasting my time. He looks up to me and respects me. I flat out asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he wouldn't do that to me. We have discussed moving closer, but he doesn't want me to lose out moving there. He feels bad that he won't be able to visit again for a long time due to finances and doesn't want me to spend tons of money visiting him. I told him if he started getting his stuff together, I would look for a job down where he is and get my own place. He didn't want me to cry and tells me to stay strong, that he will be there for me. Why do I feel the same way when I left my ex for good?

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I think you're doing the right thing by making sure he gets his stuff together. I don't think you should let that depress you. Just take things as they go. Do you feel like he IS wasting your time? I think it's more important as to how you actually feel about the situation. At the same time, do you feel like you'd miss out if you moved there? How long have you guys been together? How far apart are you?

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Ilovelifeforwhatcome
I think you're doing the right thing by making sure he gets his stuff together. I don't think you should let that depress you. Just take things as they go. Do you feel like he IS wasting your time? I think it's more important as to how you actually feel about the situation. At the same time, do you feel like you'd miss out if you moved there? How long have you guys been together? How far apart are you?

 

I don't feel like he is wasting my time, I love him as person and I haven't felt these kinds of feelings since I broke up w/my ex. I can see that his feelings are genuine because I started dating another guy (after my ex) who spewed a huge amount of BS, beating around the bush and eventually ghosting me. I know that I am not missing out on other opportunities and I want to be w/this guy. This long distance isn't holding me back from anything in life I still have my work, social life hobbies, other the obvious not going out w/other guys. After wasting time w/my ex, my eyes are open and really don't feel like he is holding me back. My parents liked him, just that he needs to get moving in life.

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I don't feel like he is wasting my time, I love him as person and I haven't felt these kinds of feelings since I broke up w/my ex. I can see that his feelings are genuine because I started dating another guy (after my ex) who spewed a huge amount of BS, beating around the bush and eventually ghosting me. I know that I am not missing out on other opportunities and I want to be w/this guy. This long distance isn't holding me back from anything in life I still have my work, social life hobbies, other the obvious not going out w/other guys. After wasting time w/my ex, my eyes are open and really don't feel like he is holding me back. My parents liked him, just that he needs to get moving in life.

 

If everything is as you say, take those steps in assisting him. Just be as present as you can be, regardless of the distance. You're doing the right thing by keeping him grounded in knowing that he has to step up and get things moving on in his life. Closing the distance is definitely a big part of the journey, but you have ways before you get there it seems, so be strong for the both of you :) I'm wishing you both the best. I'm sure others here will also have very good tips or suggestions here.

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If everything is as you say, take those steps in assisting him. Just be as present as you can be, regardless of the distance. You're doing the right thing by keeping him grounded in knowing that he has to step up and get things moving on in his life. Closing the distance is definitely a big part of the journey, but you have ways before you get there it seems, so be strong for the both of you :) I'm wishing you both the best. I'm sure others here will also have very good tips or suggestions here.

 

Thank you so much, today has been really hard for me. I am not naïve, thinking he will just get up do things, I'm def keeping an objective perspective and if I see no progress I will look elsewhere.

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From the start, you knew he's almost 7 years younger than you and has a low paid job in an amusement park. He's fine with it. I guess it's good experience for him. But you want a man with ambitions, goals, and possibly a family man. He's just a young guy who needs to go through his stages in life. And you're at two different places in life (and also literally). My man is 9 years older than me, but we're at the same place in life (though live in different parts of the world). You have demands and requirements that he wouldn't be able to give you now. And even if he were, you'd be forcing it and it wouldn't be natural for him. You'd be apparently getting what you want but he wouldn't.

Also, he has a young guy mind. He straightforwardly told you he wouldn't have had any money to come see you, but he had a trip planned with friends in November which (correct me if I'm wrong) doesn't really qualify as yearly vacation. It might be that he worked all summer as he works in an amusement park, and that's the peak season, so you usually go on holidays in other times of the year. But still, he put it out there that he wouldn't have sustained a LDR and all effort would have been on you. That didn't stop you or made you look elsewhere. It did cross your mind he was not the right one for you, but you let it go on. It looks like you get a bit lazy looking, or afraid or bothered about going through the process. Once you meet someone, even virtually, you'd want him to be the one and linger even when you clearly see that you should move on before it gets too personal. If it gets too personal, you get attached. And if you get attached, it gets harder and harder to let someone go.

You live, you learn. I guess it's time for you to move on and look for someone with a career, goals and who wants a family just like you.

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From the start, you knew he's almost 7 years younger than you and has a low paid job in an amusement park. He's fine with it. I guess it's good experience for him. But you want a man with ambitions, goals, and possibly a family man. He's just a young guy who needs to go through his stages in life. And you're at two different places in life (and also literally). My man is 9 years older than me, but we're at the same place in life (though live in different parts of the world). You have demands and requirements that he wouldn't be able to give you now. And even if he were, you'd be forcing it and it wouldn't be natural for him. You'd be apparently getting what you want but he wouldn't.

Also, he has a young guy mind. He straightforwardly told you he wouldn't have had any money to come see you, but he had a trip planned with friends in November which (correct me if I'm wrong) doesn't really qualify as yearly vacation. It might be that he worked all summer as he works in an amusement park, and that's the peak season, so you usually go on holidays in other times of the year. But still, he put it out there that he wouldn't have sustained a LDR and all effort would have been on you. That didn't stop you or made you look elsewhere. It did cross your mind he was not the right one for you, but you let it go on. It looks like you get a bit lazy looking, or afraid or bothered about going through the process. Once you meet someone, even virtually, you'd want him to be the one and linger even when you clearly see that you should move on before it gets too personal. If it gets too personal, you get attached. And if you get attached, it gets harder and harder to let someone go.

You live, you learn. I guess it's time for you to move on and look for someone with a career, goals and who wants a family just like you.

 

He is at kind of a cross roads in his life right now and isn't really able to travel anywhere. I know this maybe dumb, at the moment I have a couple months to spare and I'm going look at the relationship objectively. We did make plans quite a while ago for me to see him in a couple months again, I guess I'm just trying to see what happens.

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Ilovelifeforwhatcome

I've been dating my long distance boyfriend for several months (I've known for 1/2 a year). He has always been terrible at communicating, something I need to feel connected to him as we only see each other every 2 months. Anyways I let him know and things changed quite a bit. The issue I'm having now though is its up and down cycle, some day good some days bad. I just about had it today and told him he needs to shape up in regards to me or I will leave (I have done it before, so I know I can and will). He told me I'm right and that he is being stupid and he would try. I'm just wondering are all these just excuses?

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It's quite likely you'll see more ups and downs. Almost guaranteed. It's up to you to decide if you can endure these highs and lows (though I can barely see the highs in your relationship).

Don't focus on why s-it happens, just deal with the fact that it happens.

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