LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Long-Distance Relationships

Can this work?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Like Tree8Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th January 2017, 5:47 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Can this work?

Ok so I've been with my ldb for nearly 8 months. He lives in Canada, I'm in Australia. He's my first long distance relationship. He's 24 and still a virgin. I'm 26 and not a virgin. Our relationship was typical when we first met. There was a lot of lust and Skype camming when we first met when we weren't hanging out watching movies etc. Amazing, fun and very sexual, I felt very desired and wanted during the honeymoon faze which lasted about four months. Then we started to get serious and started planning to meet. The sexual side died down quite a bit but romantically our relationship has grown. I'm currently still planning my first trip to Canada to meet him. (Keeping in mind that the first few months we were dating he had somewhat a lot of privacy. He still lives at home, but he was staying in a cottage adjacent to his parents home. But recently had to move back into their house. So the privacy has dropped to almost no privacy.)

My bfs behaviour has changed drastically.. About four months ago my bf really started losing interest in skyping to have 'cam sex' and basically doing anything sexual with me. Doesn't like receiving nudes or sexting but he does occasionally lightly flirt.

He told me he was bored one time during the middle of a 'sex' session, which resulted in me getting quite upset and having to leave for a bit. We spoke about it after and he apologised etc but I can't help but think about that all the time now and it feel like its because I'm not attractive enough. He says that he does find me stunningly beautiful and attractive but it feels like a chore and that it takes forever. Including the fact that someone could walk in at any moment so it's annoying and he can't enjoy himself anyway. He tells me that he thinks about me romantically all the time. But does not think about me while masturbating. He says he masturbates to porn to get over the feeling quickly. 'No intimacy attached just so he can come and it's over'. But then never initiates anything sexual with me.

I understand he has little to no privacy and he doesn't want to start something h can't finish but he doesn't even seem sexually frustrated at all. He talks a lot about our future and about having kids etc which is a great sign but I can't help but think he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. Am I wrong to think that he should at least desire me sexually? I've never dated a virgin before this guy so maybe it's just inexperience in the physical world that doesn't help him understand why I am so frustrated. Plus it doesn't help that he is always making remarks about hot girls he sees on tv/movies etc. And gets frustrated and embarrassed when he sees that I am uncomfortable with that, but only because he doesn't say the same stuff about me at all really. I wouldn't care if our sexual relationship was more existent. Being a virgin he thinks sex is very taboo and doesn't understand why everyone enjoys it or why it's important. It's more just wanting to feel desired by him more then anythin.

I just don't understand the drastic change. He does seem quite stressed and depressed though because he's going though a few changes in his life. He wants to get a proper job and get his own place on top of wanting to apply for uni this year. Plus he's stressed about being prepared for my first visit. I just hate that I make him stressed out. The thing is everything else about our relationship is amazing, he is loving and caring. We never fight and we are always honest and open about everything and I trust him. We have so much fun together and he really does make me happy. I just want to know his behaviour is normal for our situation and I should just stay strong till we can meet and start a real physical relationship together and not worry just yet about our sexual chemistry. Please let me know what you all think and if you have any suggestions to pull through this.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 6:14 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 2,752
You guys live almost as far away from each other as possible, he's just now thinking about starting university... who is moving where? Or is this relationship just going to go on like this indefinitely? He's getting bored of it, and understandably so.

But even with that, if he doesn't seem that attracted to you, and you haven't even met yet, how much more do you want to invest into this relationship?

Why not find someone closer?
Animinx likes this.
GunslingerRoland is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 7:46 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 7
Maybe you should just both wait to see each other in real before having "online sex". It's not the same in real and he is a virgin. Maybe he just wants to do things properly.
I too am in a LDR. We did had close moments together before meeting but it stopped when he told me he wanted to do things as it would be in real. He didn't want to force anything and he wanted to wait until we did it in real before thinking of sexting etc.
If it's your first LDR, I think you should take it into consideration. Things are different than in real life. Don't force anything. If he isn't comfortable with doing it, don't mention it. It's normal to be frustrated but you cannot force someone to do things he doesn't want.
It probably has nothing to do with you, nor the way you look, nor the attraction he has for you.
And if after a while, you're completely unhappy with it, then you know what you have to do. LDR are challenging. This is not the only frustration you'll have. You have to ask yourself if it's what you really want and if it's what you're ready to do for him.
Animinx likes this.
Music13 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 7:54 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,374
It sounds like he is looking at you more of a best friend than a gf. IDK it would seem him being a virgin that sex would be one of his top interests. Are there other girls where he is and do you think he has attraction to one of them? Something is up that's for sure.
Animinx likes this.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 10:02 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
It sounds like he is looking at you more of a best friend than a gf. IDK it would seem him being a virgin that sex would be one of his top interests. Are there other girls where he is and do you think he has attraction to one of them? Something is up that's for sure.
Yes I have felt that before and even mentioned how I was feeling, he says that he loves me more then a friend and we constantly talk about our future and how we're going to live our lives together. I plan on moving to Canada on either a working or studying visa. I just want to meet him first of course. Everything is the same in our relationship it's just sexually he has gone cold. I want to trust him that there is no one else he is talking to, he promises there isn't. He just says that he is bored of 'camming' that it's hit it's peak. I think it is because he wants me there with him And that he can't really do much sexually with with his family around.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 10:10 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
You guys live almost as far away from each other as possible, he's just now thinking about starting university... who is moving where? Or is this relationship just going to go on like this indefinitely? He's getting bored of it, and understandably so.

But even with that, if he doesn't seem that attracted to you, and you haven't even met yet, how much more do you want to invest into this relationship?

Why not find someone closer?
I understand what you are saying, I just feel that lack of intimacy really is the biggest issue we have, you can really only get to know someone so much online until you hit a wall because physically intimacy is the next step in a relationship and you need to be physically close. Not just about sex I mean, but just being with the person day to day. I'm planning on meeting him middle of feb, so next month so we don't have to wait much longer. Then we have spoken about me moving to Canada to work or study sometime in the next year. He says he is attracted to me it's just he wants me rl not online. I think he gets frustrated that he cannot actually touch me etc when just having online 'sex' so he'd rather not feel frustrated and bored so he avoids it. But just doesn't know how to say that to me.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 10:11 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
Ok so I've been with my ldb for nearly 8 months. He lives in Canada, I'm in Australia. He's my first long distance relationship. He's 24 and still a virgin. I'm 26 and not a virgin. Our relationship was typical when we first met. There was a lot of lust and Skype camming when we first met when we weren't hanging out watching movies etc. Amazing, fun and very sexual, I felt very desired and wanted during the honeymoon faze which lasted about four months. Then we started to get serious and started planning to meet. The sexual side died down quite a bit but romantically our relationship has grown. I'm currently still planning my first trip to Canada to meet him. (Keeping in mind that the first few months we were dating he had somewhat a lot of privacy. He still lives at home, but he was staying in a cottage adjacent to his parents home. But recently had to move back into their house. So the privacy has dropped to almost no privacy.)

My bfs behaviour has changed drastically.. About four months ago my bf really started losing interest in skyping to have 'cam sex' and basically doing anything sexual with me. Doesn't like receiving nudes or sexting but he does occasionally lightly flirt.

He told me he was bored one time during the middle of a 'sex' session, which resulted in me getting quite upset and having to leave for a bit. We spoke about it after and he apologised etc but I can't help but think about that all the time now and it feel like its because I'm not attractive enough. He says that he does find me stunningly beautiful and attractive but it feels like a chore and that it takes forever. Including the fact that someone could walk in at any moment so it's annoying and he can't enjoy himself anyway. He tells me that he thinks about me romantically all the time. But does not think about me while masturbating. He says he masturbates to porn to get over the feeling quickly. 'No intimacy attached just so he can come and it's over'. But then never initiates anything sexual with me.

I understand he has little to no privacy and he doesn't want to start something h can't finish but he doesn't even seem sexually frustrated at all. He talks a lot about our future and about having kids etc which is a great sign but I can't help but think he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. Am I wrong to think that he should at least desire me sexually? I've never dated a virgin before this guy so maybe it's just inexperience in the physical world that doesn't help him understand why I am so frustrated. Plus it doesn't help that he is always making remarks about hot girls he sees on tv/movies etc. And gets frustrated and embarrassed when he sees that I am uncomfortable with that, but only because he doesn't say the same stuff about me at all really. I wouldn't care if our sexual relationship was more existent. Being a virgin he thinks sex is very taboo and doesn't understand why everyone enjoys it or why it's important. It's more just wanting to feel desired by him more then anythin.

I just don't understand the drastic change. He does seem quite stressed and depressed though because he's going though a few changes in his life. He wants to get a proper job and get his own place on top of wanting to apply for uni this year. Plus he's stressed about being prepared for my first visit. I just hate that I make him stressed out. The thing is everything else about our relationship is amazing, he is loving and caring. We never fight and we are always honest and open about everything and I trust him. We have so much fun together and he really does make me happy. I just want to know his behaviour is normal for our situation and I should just stay strong till we can meet and start a real physical relationship together and not worry just yet about our sexual chemistry. Please let me know what you all think and if you have any suggestions to pull through this.

You are not dating. You haven't even met! You are living in a fantasy where you expect to get sexual gratification (online) and it got boring after a while. Simple.
foxgener is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 10:17 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
I understand what you are saying, I just feel that lack of intimacy really is the biggest issue we have, you can really only get to know someone so much online until you hit a wall because physically intimacy is the next step in a relationship and you need to be physically close. Not just about sex I mean, but just being with the person day to day. I'm planning on meeting him middle of feb, so next month so we don't have to wait much longer. Then we have spoken about me moving to Canada to work or study sometime in the next year. He says he is attracted to me it's just he wants me rl not online. I think he gets frustrated that he cannot actually touch me etc when just having online 'sex' so he'd rather not feel frustrated and bored so he avoids it. But just doesn't know how to say that to me.
Plus he has said a few times that if sex is what it's like when you cam together then he doesn't think it's that great. I've tried to explain how amazing sex really is rl but he obviously won't know until he's tried it rl. I'm trying to cut him some slack and relax until we meet rl because I feel everything's going to be much better and different then.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 11:25 PM   #9
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,057
Would you move to Canada in the near future? Like within the next 12 months? Would he move to Australia in the same time period?

If not - a half way around the world long distance relationship is a waste of time.

Surely there are suitable men in your hemisphere.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 7:29 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by foxgener View Post
You are not dating. You haven't even met! You are living in a fantasy where you expect to get sexual gratification (online) and it got boring after a while. Simple.
You may not believe in 'Online Dating' but that does not matter as I do, and thousands of people are in LD relationships, so I believe in my relationship. I have been in a few relationships in my life and so far besides lack of physical intimacy, this has been the happiest and most fulfilling one yet. We are in a relationship and we are in love and we both believe it is worth it. I am simply trying to make sure that this behaviour is normal in a Long Distance relationship considering it is my first one.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 7:33 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
Would you move to Canada in the near future? Like within the next 12 months? Would he move to Australia in the same time period?

If not - a half way around the world long distance relationship is a waste of time.

Surely there are suitable men in your hemisphere.

I understand there are many men in my area that I could date. But I am in love with my boyfriend and I want this to work.

Yes I would like to move to Canada within the next year. I am visiting in February for a couple of weeks as you need to obviously visit the country before you can apply for a studying/working visa. We are constantly talking about and planning a goal to end up living together in the same country. We both want to make this work. I just want some advice on how to better maintain the frustration of lack of intimacy and making sure that everything is pretty normal for our situation.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 7:37 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Music13 View Post
Maybe you should just both wait to see each other in real before having "online sex". It's not the same in real and he is a virgin. Maybe he just wants to do things properly.
I too am in a LDR. We did had close moments together before meeting but it stopped when he told me he wanted to do things as it would be in real. He didn't want to force anything and he wanted to wait until we did it in real before thinking of sexting etc.
If it's your first LDR, I think you should take it into consideration. Things are different than in real life. Don't force anything. If he isn't comfortable with doing it, don't mention it. It's normal to be frustrated but you cannot force someone to do things he doesn't want.
It probably has nothing to do with you, nor the way you look, nor the attraction he has for you.
And if after a while, you're completely unhappy with it, then you know what you have to do. LDR are challenging. This is not the only frustration you'll have. You have to ask yourself if it's what you really want and if it's what you're ready to do for him.
Thank you for your response, I am glad that I can talk to someone in a similar situation. I have been thinking a lot about the situation and I agree with you. I feel we should just wait until we can meet rl and experience things face to face. It seems to cause too much frustration and sadness trying to have it any other way, I think my boyfriend is worth the hard work and a little bit of patience. I agree that this has been the most challenging thing I have had to face so far in life. But I know all this waiting is going to be beneficial for us in the long run. Thank you for your advice.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th January 2017, 3:06 AM   #13
Established Member
 
justwhoiam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 3,591
Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
You may not believe in 'Online Dating'
You can date LD, but it'd imply that you at least know who the other person is and you've met in person at least once.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
thousands of people are in LD relationships
Does that make you feel better? Thousands of people get catfished, but I wouldn't want to be among them. Your approach is a bit presumptuous and presumptive. You are writing in a LDR forum, and most of us are in a LDR, so not against it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
I believe in my relationship
Good luck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Animinx View Post
I am simply trying to make sure that this behaviour is normal in a Long Distance relationship considering it is my first one.
I'm not sure there's a normality in a relationship. I can tell you what I think.
My random thoughts about what you wrote are the following.
Most guys have enough drive to pursue what they want. When a guy doesn't have that drive, you can see it in different aspects of his life. You can detect it. He's a virgin, and in itself it might not mean much. Like, he didn't meet the right girl. But there might be more to it. Like he doesn't have enough sexual drive. He doesn't have any curiosity, or not enough for the opposite sex. I don't know the guy, so it's just a feeling, but he might not have much enthusiasm, even regarding other things. And that would probably ruin the mood, like it already happened. You claim he's in love with you, but he didn't jump on a plane to come see you. Instead, you're planning to go where he lives to meet him, settling for zero effort on his part. And you'll also need to put in enough money to do so. It's like playing chess with yourself, what gives? But if that makes you happy and you are OK with moving all the pieces, knowing a part of you will lose anyway, then go on with it. When a "relationship" survives just because only one in the couple is making the effort, then you have your answers.
justwhoiam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 6:52 AM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 10
What should I do?

So I had a discussion with my boyfriend today after finally having enough of the way I have been feeling. I put my foot down and simply asked him what was wrong with him lately.

He basically admitted that his attraction for me has faded quite a bit in the last maybe four months because of a picture I had sent him a few months back that he did not find me attractive in. I had taken a picture when I was on a holiday of me in a hotel. It was of my lower half (I was naked but wearing a top). He admitted that the whole time up until seeing that picture he had not seen my full body standing up and he was worried because he didn't find it attractive and that he felt there was something wrong with him. But for many months previously he would gush over my beauty and my body and whenever he saw me on cam (clothed or naked) he was completely interested and turned on by me. I guess I was laying down most of the time so the angle is much more appealing I don't really know.

This has completely shattered my self esteem and I even debated breaking up with him today as I don't think I can look at our relationship the same. I really don't want to spend the rest of the time till we meet being self conscious about what he has said.

He still wants me to come to Canada because he feels like he has seen this whole situation wrong, that he really does love me and wants to have a relationship with me. He told me he wants to see me in person and to make sure that all these feelings are just lack of intimacy and that the picture had just been morphed and gave off the wrong idea about my body as photos can sometimes do that. I will admit it made me look much shorter then I am rl. And it was not the best photo due to the quality lighting etc but still I feel very judged by him now as I have always had self esteem issues about my lower half. Keeping in mind I have lost about 50 kilos in the last two years so I have a little bit of cellulite and stretch marks but previous boyfriends have always said that I am gorgeous naked or not.

But his opinion has made me look at him in a different light now. He was really upset the whole time he was telling me all this, saying he hates that one little flaw of mine has put him off being sexual with me, and that the biggest issue is that he is very scared that when we meet he is not going to be attracted to me at all, me having spent so much energy and time to meet him, for him to just not be interested, breaking both of our hearts. He has even said that sex isn't important, that he could go his whole life without it. I have no idea what to do, I love this man with all my heart. But I guess I have never had a man point out my flaws like that before and I don't know if I can get past this. I am just feeling really depressed right now.
Animinx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th January 2017, 7:58 AM   #15
Established Member
 
SeenNotHeard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 63
Sorry to hear this OP. I would walk away. He sounds superficial IMO and the fact that one picture would have such an impact does not bode well for this relationship. Since he has had limited sexual experience might it be fair to assume he has his idea of how a women's body should be perfect like it is portrayed in many porn clips? It is hard having never really met but still your self-esteem has taken a big hit. I would walk. Sorry.
SeenNotHeard is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She broke no contact wishing to work out a solution at work, should I reply? Sam1986 Breaks and Breaking Up 68 12th November 2014 1:27 PM
How do employers view willingness to work interview around work schedule? pink_sugar Business and Professional Relationships 10 17th December 2012 7:14 PM
wait for full-time work or find side work now? Guest Business and Professional Relationships 0 30th April 2006 2:59 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:50 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.