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Is he being too selfish or not?


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Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (Europian) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

 

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..

2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..

 

With me considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??

(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough. I, on the other hand, haven't had a long relationship.)

 

Would his suggestion be the right thing to do?

 

Thanks..

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I'd suggest not moving unless you want to live in his country for your own reasons that have nothing to do with him. He's looking for a weekend GF and I think it would be foolish to move near him under those circumstances unless you want to live there anyways and he is just icing on the cake.

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heavenonearth

You have only been together a few months, so moving in together would be a huge deal even if you'd be living in the same city.

 

So I understand where he is coming from. maybe he'd see things differently if you are together 1, 2 or 3 years.

 

But that's just speculation. Have you asked him if he'd consider to EVER live together in any distant future? Does he just want to keep his independence?

 

Some people are like that. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for several years, and they live in the same street each in their own apartments. They think about moving together but they are hesitating, as they both enjoy their space and apartments as is. Also, the older we get, the more we are set in our ways and the way we like our space/environment.

So seeing that he is a bit older, I can understand his wish/concern.

 

Is it really important for you to live together? I feel it is a bit too soon to even talk about this.

 

Also, how far do you live from each other?

How often can you visit?

 

And no, why would it make a difference that you are both male? I don't see why it would make a difference.

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Thanks for the input. We're both males if this makes any difference..

 

I'm sorry, but his response is absurdly non-commital. He only wants to date you for now. I just don't see you making a move to another country for that response. How often do you see each other?

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It seems to me that you are expected to do all the work in this relationship and he gets all the benefits without any commitment.Only seeing you at weekends is a massive red flag and I would get that sorted out before making any plans to move.

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Given that response, I wouldn't move there even if I did find a job opportunity there.

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I'm sorry, but his response is absurdly non-commital. He only wants to date you for now. I just don't see you making a move to another country for that response. How often do you see each other?

 

We don't each other often - 2 times so far - first, when he also came to see his father, and me flying to him for the New Year. I cannot afford to fly to him often (whereas for him, this is more affordable).

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It seems to me that you are expected to do all the work in this relationship and he gets all the benefits without any commitment.Only seeing you at weekends is a massive red flag and I would get that sorted out before making any plans to move.

 

Yes, l told him that his suggestion to meet only on the weekends makes me feel detached, especially at this phase..He responded that we'd get bothered of each other, which is also strange because he likes my character much more than that of his two ex partners, the only difference being that they supported him financially - when he emigrated to their country - and me having to start everything from scratch..

 

P.S. We were born in same the country, but he left it 15 years ago to settle where he lives now..

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You have only been together a few months, so moving in together would be a huge deal even if you'd be living in the same city.

 

So I understand where he is coming from. maybe he'd see things differently if you are together 1, 2 or 3 years.

 

But that's just speculation. Have you asked him if he'd consider to EVER live together in any distant future? Does he just want to keep his independence?

 

Some people are like that. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for several years, and they live in the same street each in their own apartments. They think about moving together but they are hesitating, as they both enjoy their space and apartments as is. Also, the older we get, the more we are set in our ways and the way we like our space/environment.

So seeing that he is a bit older, I can understand his wish/concern.

 

Is it really important for you to live together? I feel it is a bit too soon to even talk about this.

 

Also, how far do you live from each other?

How often can you visit?

 

And no, why would it make a difference that you are both male? I don't see why it would make a difference.

 

It's a 3-hour nonstop flight but for me it's not really affordable.

You're right about space, but shouldn't we try it first? He could have been outspoken about this earlier..

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heavenonearth
It's a 3-hour nonstop flight but for me it's not really affordable.

You're right about space, but shouldn't we try it first? He could have been outspoken about this earlier..

 

I just don't see why you want to live together with someone you just met in September.

 

It's way too early to think about this. You hardly know much about him at this point.

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We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other)
How did you meet him? Was it a site/messenger mainly meant to hook up?

 

He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..
Living separately is acceptable, especially now; but seeing each other only at weekends? Too rigid.

 

isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??

(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough

You can let him know you'd love the stability of a real relationship and, although he's not considering one at the moment, would he entertain the idea for the future if things between you two went fine? Is gay marriage possible where he currently lives? What's the general mood about gays there?
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Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (Europian) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

 

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..

2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..

 

With me considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??

(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough. I, on the other hand, haven't had a long relationship.)

 

Would his suggestion be the right thing to do?

 

Thanks..

 

It's unwise to move in with someone you've only known since 4 months and only spent a couple of weeks together during holidays. You are strangers.

 

Your second issue is that you are dating a man with a different dating goal, he wants a part-time gf and you want a life partner.

 

My suggestion is to avoid yourself a lot of disappointment by breaking up and finding yourself a nice local man that does want to explore more than just dating.

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I wouldn't want to live with someone I only knew for 4 months either. You don't fully know that person, especially when you're not around them as much as other couples tend to be that early in the dating stage. Take it slower.

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We don't each other often - 2 times so far - first, when he also came to see his father, and me flying to him for the New Year. I cannot afford to fly to him often (whereas for him, this is more affordable).

 

alpet. Way too much going against you both having a solid relationship. Too far. Too expensive. He is clearly expressing discomfort on the idea. He is not 100% into this relationship and after only 4-months, I don't blame him. You have to think about jobs, cultural differences, and a more than likely chance the whole meeting only on weekends thing may get old quickly.

 

I, like others, would advise against you moving there.

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How did you meet him? Was it a site/messenger mainly meant to hook up?

 

Living separately is acceptable, especially now; but seeing each other only at weekends? Too rigid.

 

You can let him know you'd love the stability of a real relationship and, although he's not considering one at the moment, would he entertain the idea for the future if things between you two went fine? Is gay marriage possible where he currently lives? What's the general mood about gays there?

We met thru a dating site. He suggested in fact that I move there in May. However, it appears that things have taken another twist..Well, he said on weekends, primarily due to the schedule on weekdays..

 

Where he lives it's allowed for 2 males to get married, with people being really tolerant of this orientation.

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alpet. Way too much going against you both having a solid relationship. Too far. Too expensive. He is clearly expressing discomfort on the idea. He is not 100% into this relationship and after only 4-months, I don't blame him. You have to think about jobs, cultural differences, and a more than likely chance the whole meeting only on weekends thing may get old quickly.

 

I, like others, would advise against you moving there.

 

Yes, you're right..I've been contemplating all these things, and taking things slowly because I'm aware of many hardships I'd have to go through.

 

It seems that now he's a bit too detached on whatsapp, in that he writes me less and less during the day.. Should ask him why?? Is this an indication that the whole thing will eventually die away??

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Then as I said, see if he's open for the future or he's totally against a steady relationship.

He somehow made it clear he's fed up with relationships in his exes being unbearable or disregarding of him.

 

If I decide to move and live there alone in the beginning -which is normally the hardest phase, emotionally speaking - what would be the point of us living together later; this, generally speaking.

 

I'm not necessarily striving for a relationship: I'm just afraid of sinking into some form of depression due to finding the move overwhelming..

 

In my town I live alone too, but having a good job and knowing many people renders things different, and easier, except for the fact that I can't openly have a boyfriend/relationship..

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In my town I live alone too, but having a good job and knowing many people renders things different, and easier, except for the fact that I can't openly have a boyfriend/relationship..
You can be a "pioneer" where you live, but life might be hell for you. What sounds best to you between staying and leaving? Between hiding and being out in the open with someone you love?
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You can be a "pioneer" where you live, but life might be hell for you. What sounds best to you between staying and leaving? Between hiding and being out in the open with someone you love?

 

Oh, being "a pioneer" is not the suitable term for me. The thing is that I haven't found the right person here either because most of the guys on the site -this being the only or the most common avenue to get to know someone- are either married or too scared to meet up, or too young for me, and so on...LDRs are tormenting too..

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Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (Europian) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

 

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..

2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..

 

With me considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??

(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough. I, on the other hand, haven't had a long relationship.)

 

Would his suggestion be the right thing to do?

 

Thanks..

It sounds like, by you asserting your need for financial independence. That the two of you would live in the same locale, but not together.

 

Is that what you meant to tell him?

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Don't even consider moving if you cannot imagine yourself being happy on your own where he is.

 

That is my advice as someone who has also moved to a different country (though I did so for personal reasons, wasn't in a relationship at the time) You two have not spent enough time together in person to determine if this is a viable match long-term, so it would be very risky to move just for him at this point.

 

If you do go, only do so with the understanding that you will not live together. It doesn't sound like that would be in the cards for a while, which is wise. You have no idea how you'll get along when you're spending more time together and believe me when I say you don't want to be "trapped" (for lack of a better word) in a bad relationship in a place you don't like.

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