LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Long-Distance Relationships

Is he being too selfish or not?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Like Tree11Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 8th January 2017, 9:43 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Is he being too selfish or not?

Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (Europian) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..
2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..

With me considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??
(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough. I, on the other hand, haven't had a long relationship.)

Would his suggestion be the right thing to do?

Thanks..
alpet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 10:27 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 1,495
I'd suggest not moving unless you want to live in his country for your own reasons that have nothing to do with him. He's looking for a weekend GF and I think it would be foolish to move near him under those circumstances unless you want to live there anyways and he is just icing on the cake.
__________________
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
MJJean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 12:15 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Thanks for the input. We're both males if this makes any difference..
alpet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 12:20 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 289
You have only been together a few months, so moving in together would be a huge deal even if you'd be living in the same city.

So I understand where he is coming from. maybe he'd see things differently if you are together 1, 2 or 3 years.

But that's just speculation. Have you asked him if he'd consider to EVER live together in any distant future? Does he just want to keep his independence?

Some people are like that. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for several years, and they live in the same street each in their own apartments. They think about moving together but they are hesitating, as they both enjoy their space and apartments as is. Also, the older we get, the more we are set in our ways and the way we like our space/environment.
So seeing that he is a bit older, I can understand his wish/concern.

Is it really important for you to live together? I feel it is a bit too soon to even talk about this.

Also, how far do you live from each other?
How often can you visit?

And no, why would it make a difference that you are both male? I don't see why it would make a difference.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 12:44 PM   #5
Established Member
 
simpleNfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Where the snow is better than in Colorado!
Posts: 1,827
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
Thanks for the input. We're both males if this makes any difference..
I'm sorry, but his response is absurdly non-commital. He only wants to date you for now. I just don't see you making a move to another country for that response. How often do you see each other?
__________________
...love being a father!
simpleNfit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 12:56 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 145
It seems to me that you are expected to do all the work in this relationship and he gets all the benefits without any commitment.Only seeing you at weekends is a massive red flag and I would get that sorted out before making any plans to move.
enddeck is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 1:00 PM   #7
Established Member
 
hippychick3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Northeastern U.S.
Posts: 1,233
Given that response, I wouldn't move there even if I did find a job opportunity there.
hippychick3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 1:23 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
I'm sorry, but his response is absurdly non-commital. He only wants to date you for now. I just don't see you making a move to another country for that response. How often do you see each other?
We don't each other often - 2 times so far - first, when he also came to see his father, and me flying to him for the New Year. I cannot afford to fly to him often (whereas for him, this is more affordable).
alpet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 1:34 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by enddeck View Post
It seems to me that you are expected to do all the work in this relationship and he gets all the benefits without any commitment.Only seeing you at weekends is a massive red flag and I would get that sorted out before making any plans to move.
Yes, l told him that his suggestion to meet only on the weekends makes me feel detached, especially at this phase..He responded that we'd get bothered of each other, which is also strange because he likes my character much more than that of his two ex partners, the only difference being that they supported him financially - when he emigrated to their country - and me having to start everything from scratch..

P.S. We were born in same the country, but he left it 15 years ago to settle where he lives now..

Last edited by alpet; 8th January 2017 at 2:39 PM.. Reason: Adding info
alpet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 4:01 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Europe
Posts: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
You have only been together a few months, so moving in together would be a huge deal even if you'd be living in the same city.

So I understand where he is coming from. maybe he'd see things differently if you are together 1, 2 or 3 years.

But that's just speculation. Have you asked him if he'd consider to EVER live together in any distant future? Does he just want to keep his independence?

Some people are like that. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for several years, and they live in the same street each in their own apartments. They think about moving together but they are hesitating, as they both enjoy their space and apartments as is. Also, the older we get, the more we are set in our ways and the way we like our space/environment.
So seeing that he is a bit older, I can understand his wish/concern.

Is it really important for you to live together? I feel it is a bit too soon to even talk about this.

Also, how far do you live from each other?
How often can you visit?

And no, why would it make a difference that you are both male? I don't see why it would make a difference.
It's a 3-hour nonstop flight but for me it's not really affordable.
You're right about space, but shouldn't we try it first? He could have been outspoken about this earlier..
alpet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2017, 4:05 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 289
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
It's a 3-hour nonstop flight but for me it's not really affordable.
You're right about space, but shouldn't we try it first? He could have been outspoken about this earlier..
I just don't see why you want to live together with someone you just met in September.

It's way too early to think about this. You hardly know much about him at this point.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 8:26 AM   #12
Established Member
 
justwhoiam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 3,578
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other)
How did you meet him? Was it a site/messenger mainly meant to hook up?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..
Living separately is acceptable, especially now; but seeing each other only at weekends? Too rigid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??
(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough
You can let him know you'd love the stability of a real relationship and, although he's not considering one at the moment, would he entertain the idea for the future if things between you two went fine? Is gay marriage possible where he currently lives? What's the general mood about gays there?
justwhoiam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 11:43 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 14,005
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
Hi, my boyfriend (45) and me (34) live in two different (Europian) states. We have been on an LDR since last Sept.(when we first got to know each other). I flew to him for a week during the New Year break, in order to spend more time together. We love each other, but there are two problems in the way:

1. I told him I can't join him if there's no job opportunity for me there, as I want my financial independence..
2.He remarked that - even if I could find a job there - he wouldn't still like us to live together but only meet on weekends..

With me considering to make such a move to be together, isn't he being a bit too selfish with this remark??
(He justifies his stance with his two previous relationships not being healthy enough. I, on the other hand, haven't had a long relationship.)

Would his suggestion be the right thing to do?

Thanks..
It's unwise to move in with someone you've only known since 4 months and only spent a couple of weeks together during holidays. You are strangers.

Your second issue is that you are dating a man with a different dating goal, he wants a part-time gf and you want a life partner.

My suggestion is to avoid yourself a lot of disappointment by breaking up and finding yourself a nice local man that does want to explore more than just dating.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 2:05 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 310
I wouldn't want to live with someone I only knew for 4 months either. You don't fully know that person, especially when you're not around them as much as other couples tend to be that early in the dating stage. Take it slower.
Ronnys93 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th January 2017, 5:31 PM   #15
Established Member
 
simpleNfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Where the snow is better than in Colorado!
Posts: 1,827
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpet View Post
We don't each other often - 2 times so far - first, when he also came to see his father, and me flying to him for the New Year. I cannot afford to fly to him often (whereas for him, this is more affordable).
alpet. Way too much going against you both having a solid relationship. Too far. Too expensive. He is clearly expressing discomfort on the idea. He is not 100% into this relationship and after only 4-months, I don't blame him. You have to think about jobs, cultural differences, and a more than likely chance the whole meeting only on weekends thing may get old quickly.

I, like others, would advise against you moving there.
simpleNfit is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Boyfriend keeps calling me selfish, am I selfish? ccxc910 Dating 23 15th September 2016 11:05 AM
was this selfish of me? NGC1300 Family 9 22nd October 2013 8:06 PM
Is she being selfish?!! mrbeantown Breaks and Breaking Up 10 17th November 2006 4:32 PM
Very selfish Guest The Other Man / Woman 33 17th November 2006 2:14 PM
Selfish Boyfriend - what is your definition of selfish? radhattr Breaks and Breaking Up 4 27th May 2005 10:18 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:09 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.