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30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?


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Hi everyone, looking for some advice please!

 

I'm a 30 year old female, living in the UK, and dating a 40 year old guy from the USA. 6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries (i.e. me to the UK and him to USA). We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.

 

Now we have been discussing marriage, and he is extremely keen to settle down and start a family asap and so am I. However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK (but I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it). He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research. For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do. I can't drive so I feel like I would be stuck in the US, my family are in the UK, and also I would be dropping out of a career that I worked so hard for. If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for). It just sounds like a lot of work.

 

But I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30. I have thought about looking for someone local but I have not been attracted to more than 2 people in the past 12 years. Even though I have been open minded about meeting new people, and my job actually gives me contact to hundreds of people a year I never find any of them attractive.

 

The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!

 

Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US? I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.

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DaveChapelle
Hi everyone, looking for some advice please!

 

I'm a 30 year old female, living in the UK, and dating a 40 year old guy from the USA. 6 months ago we were both living in the same country as expats and that's how we met, but since then we moved back to our home countries (i.e. me to the UK and him to USA). We dated for a year before we became long distance. Now, we have been seeing each other for two weeks every 3 months.

 

Now we have been discussing marriage, and he is extremely keen to settle down and start a family asap and so am I. However, he prefers to stay in the USA and I would strongly prefer to stay in the UK (but I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it). He is unemployed, but he is looking for a job, and I am in a temporary position at work. His main reason for staying in the US to find a job are that the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research. For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do. I can't drive so I feel like I would be stuck in the US, my family are in the UK, and also I would be dropping out of a career that I worked so hard for. If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for). It just sounds like a lot of work.

 

But I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30. I have thought about looking for someone local but I have not been attracted to more than 2 people in the past 12 years. Even though I have been open minded about meeting new people, and my job actually gives me contact to hundreds of people a year I never find any of them attractive.

 

The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!

 

Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US? I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.

 

 

Have you been to the USA? You don't seem to know this place if you claim UK has better weather than the U.S. Honestly, from all the things you're telling you aren't cut out for an international relationship.

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Have you been to the USA? You don't seem to know this place if you claim UK has better weather than the U.S. Honestly, from all the things you're telling you aren't cut out for an international relationship.

 

With the weather, he is considering Seattle. And doesnt that have worse weather than the UK?? Really UK has a bad rep for weather, but its actually mild all year round and hot in the summer.

 

I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive), Chicago (it was cold but architecturally nice), San Francisco (a bit run down and also expensive), and Las Vegas. I spent last Xmas with his family in Fremont in California too. He was kind of hoping that I would like the US. I thought it was okay, but I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car. And I thought the shopping wasn't as good as the UK, the people were very different too, and I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food. His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK. At the moment, I can't think of any positives to the US really (sorry to all u Americans). For me, Europe is just tons better. But I do want to settle down with him, and start a family. So I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?

 

I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA.. cos if I am not working then surely the salary doesn't really get that far, what with the high costs of living and healthcare etc. The benefits of living in the UK just seem to outweigh the low salary in my mind.

Edited by firefly123
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DaveChapelle
I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive), Chicago (it was cold but architecturally nice), San Francisco (a bit run down and also expensive), and Las Vegas. I spent last Xmas with his family in Fremont in California too. He was kind of hoping that I would like the US. I thought it was okay, but I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car. And I thought the shopping wasn't as good as the UK, the people were very different too, and I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food. His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK. At the moment, I can't think of any positives to the US really (sorry to all u Americans). For me, Europe is just tons better. But I do want to settle down with him, and start a family. So I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?

 

I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA.. cos if I am not working then surely the salary doesn't really get that far, what with the high costs of living and healthcare etc. The benefits of living in the UK just seem to outweigh the low salary in my mind.

 

I've lived in Europe for 20 years and another 20 in the USA. Sorry, hun, UK is not better than US. And I lived in Beverly Hills parts of Europe. You think healthcare is better in the UK. Just check everyone's teeth. Enough said. If you've seen NYC, SFO, Chicago, and Cali ... and you think London is better, you are just biased due to familiarity OR your husband's family is white trash you didn't see good areas I don't know. Shopping is also better here and cheaper (even if you want designer clothes - with more outlets). And if you want organic you go to Whole Foods or Wegmans or Farmers Market. And cars are cheaper here. You can buy a BMW here with 1/3rd of the price you pay in the UK. I mean with the exception of culture (meaning more architecture and history) US is better.

 

 

I do know this though. There is no excitement in your post. Despite someone is offering 200K to you. If you are comparing marrying to 'start dating again' then you are definitely not ready for marriage and only considering this due to your marriage age. That is not a good reason to marry.

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I've lived in Europe for 20 years and another 20 in the USA. Sorry, hun, UK is not better than US. And I lived in Beverly Hills parts of Europe. You think healthcare is better in the UK. Just check everyone's teeth. Enough said. If you've seen NYC, SFO, Chicago, and Cali ... and you think London is better, you are just biased due to familiarity OR your husband's family is white trash you didn't see good areas I don't know. Shopping is also better here and cheaper (even if you want designer clothes - with more outlets). And if you want organic you go to Whole Foods or Wegmans or Farmers Market. And cars are cheaper here. You can buy a BMW here with 1/3rd of the price you pay in the UK. I mean with the exception of culture (meaning more architecture and history) US is better.

 

 

I do know this though. There is no excitement in your post. Despite someone is offering 200K to you. If you are comparing marrying to 'start dating again' then you are definitely not ready for marriage and only considering this due to your marriage age. That is not a good reason to marry.

 

Thanks for your input. Haha i think the people in the UK just have a lack of awareness and concern for their health and appearance in general, as dentistry and orthodontics is free, they just dont want to go. Even though cars are cheaper, I don't drive. And Wholefoods is really expensive, whereas here the price of groceries is super cheap and organic doesnt cost much more.

 

With shopping it is probably cheaper in the US, unless the sales are on, where the shops will slash prices to 70%. I am also used to the European food here, and the ease and cheapness to get to Europe.

 

I feel that I am ready to get married and really want to get married to my bf. I didn't use to want to get married, but now I am with him, I have such a strong desire to be with him and have a family. With my age being relevant, it's not like I am 20, and I can always find someone else. I really love my bf, and would prob find it hard to find someone else to match me so well if I had to start again. Plus, it sounds like all the great guys have been taken by the time they are 30!

 

I guess one of us has to sacrifice our home country to make it work, but i feel like he wouldn't have to sacrifice that much to come to the UK, as he already thinks it's liveable, it's just the horribly low salary that puts him off, which I feel isnt horrible at all and just average here.

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I wouldn't consider going until he is gainfully employed... How long has he been unemployed ?

 

He just moved back to the US mid-December so he's been unemployed for 2 months and is going to start looking soon. He has been living away from the US since 2000. He is also looking at universities in London for this October's class due to my suggestion of trying out the UK and to be with me sooner.

 

The main reason why he feels like he should work in the US is that the higher salary would allow him to provide better for a family life (as he feels like he is getting closer to that goal as he has found me). If I did work, I would also be earning a far higher salary than I do here ($160,000 vs $60000), but I just feel like the lower quality of life isnt justified. haha maybe I am wrong, I don't know. I just having a feeling that I wouldnt like it as much.

 

I stay awake at night thinking 'what am i doing, dropping my life to move for a guy? Am i making the right decision? should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?' Most articles on the web tell you to focus on ur own happiness and not give up things for a man. But on the other hand, I don't think I would be happy without him and that is the priority for me at the moment.

 

But on good days, I am really happy and 100% positive about moving to be with the one I love, as long as I am not thinking in detail about all the things I would miss about home.

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Do not do anything until he has a permanent job. OK saying he will pay your $200 000 retraining fees, but talk is cheap and if he has no job then how is he going to do that?

 

I do not think you like the US at all, and if you are not being blown away whilst just visiting, I think living there will be a trial and probably a disaster for you.

 

Once stuck at home with 3 kids I doubt that $200 000 will be seen as a priority, so just be careful about what you are signing up for here.

 

BTW whether you decide to go or not, make learning to drive your first task for 2017 :)

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Well, I agree with Elaine that you just do not seem to like the US, so you probably wouldn't like living here. Of course if you moved to the US you will miss a lot of things about the UK. That's natural. When I visit Europe, while it's great, I still can't wait to get back to the US and things I'm familiar with. A lot of it is what you are used to.

 

That said, I'm really side eyeing your remarks about the quality of life being so much lower in the US. First off, you can't just refer to the US as some gigantic behemoth. The entire country is so diverse. Things are different in different parts of the country, including the people, weather, culture, shopping, prices, etc. There are absolutely places to live where you don't need a car. In fact, you visited three of them -- NYC, San Francisco, and Chicago. There are many more. But you could also learn how to drive, which would make that particular issue moot. There are many other cities where you can get by pretty well for the most part without having a car (you can walk to shops, grocery, and restaurants), but you might still need a car to get to work. Those aren't bad options either. There are absolutely places to buy organic, quality foods for good prices, including farmer's markets and other smaller shops. You can live somewhere like San Diego where it is 70 degrees and sunny all year round. You can live places with low cost of living, or high cost of living, your choice. It's just so different everywhere. I take it your boyfriend hasn't decided where he wants to live yet, but is looking at Seattle? Have you even been there? It's quite a beautiful area. You just seem to be painting the whole US with a broad brush. (And I'm honestly baffled that you thought NYC was boring.)

 

Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

 

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.

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heavenonearth

OP, I see where you are coming from. I am from Germany and I moved to the US for a man. I would not do it again! All your points are very valid and I felt the same way about these things even (or especially) after living there for 4 years.

 

Especially with the current socio-economic and political landscape, I think it is a bad idea to move to the US permanently. You say he is from California - that's still a bit better than some other parts of the US, but as you said, you need to drive everywhere, and I can see how this is inconvenient or too much of a difference from what you know.

 

I think it can be fun to move to a different country for a while and experience it, but make the move permanent is scary.

 

When two people from two different countries meet and fall in love, one will end up making a compromise, unless both want to live in the same place. And you may end up not being happy. I don't see how you will now all of a sudden change your mind about this and end up being happy there when so many things speak against it -- except that your guy is there.

 

I really hope he will get the PhD position in the UK so you have more time to think about where you want to settle.

Or - another idea, and something I'd consider in such a situation, just move to a different country together.

 

Germany is nice. The Netherlands are nice. Belgium. France. Spain. Italy. There are a lot of nice places in Europe to live, where English speaking people can find work. I am not saying this is what you should do but you could consider it and think about what would be the upsides of that.

 

I think sometimes it doesn't need to be either or, it could be something completely different. And maybe it would be a nice adventure to start a new life together somewhere new.

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introverted1

OP, you refer to him as a "probable" fiance. Has he proposed? I do not think you should consider uprooting until he has done so (and you have accepted).

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Definitely don't move until he is employed. And even then, I personally wouldn't be willing to leave my family and my life in the UK for a man that I've known only a year... I would have to be head over heels in love for him and even then, I just don't think I'd have it in me...

 

But, I do agree with you.... Having traveled in both the US and the U.K., I would chose to live in the UK if I had the choice ;)

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Well, I agree with Elaine that you just do not seem to like the US, so you probably wouldn't like living here. Of course if you moved to the US you will miss a lot of things about the UK. That's natural. When I visit Europe, while it's great, I still can't wait to get back to the US and things I'm familiar with. A lot of it is what you are used to.

 

That said, I'm really side eyeing your remarks about the quality of life being so much lower in the US. First off, you can't just refer to the US as some gigantic behemoth. The entire country is so diverse. Things are different in different parts of the country, including the people, weather, culture, shopping, prices, etc. There are absolutely places to live where you don't need a car. In fact, you visited three of them -- NYC, San Francisco, and Chicago. There are many more. But you could also learn how to drive, which would make that particular issue moot. There are many other cities where you can get by pretty well for the most part without having a car (you can walk to shops, grocery, and restaurants), but you might still need a car to get to work. Those aren't bad options either. There are absolutely places to buy organic, quality foods for good prices, including farmer's markets and other smaller shops. You can live somewhere like San Diego where it is 70 degrees and sunny all year round. You can live places with low cost of living, or high cost of living, your choice. It's just so different everywhere. I take it your boyfriend hasn't decided where he wants to live yet, but is looking at Seattle? Have you even been there? It's quite a beautiful area. You just seem to be painting the whole US with a broad brush. (And I'm honestly baffled that you thought NYC was boring.)

 

Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

 

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.

 

Ditto....;)

 

Just want to add that the NW is absolutely gorgeous, especially for the outdoorsy person. My complaint was the dreary, grey, drizzly days, but that sounds like the UK, right? :)

 

I also wonder about his commitment to help pay $200k for a two year retraining??? What are you hoping to study? That sounds crazy expensive.

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I stay awake at night thinking 'what am i doing, dropping my life to move for a guy? Am i making the right decision? should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?' Most articles on the web tell you to focus on ur own happiness and not give up things for a man. But on the other hand, I don't think I would be happy without him and that is the priority for me at the moment.

 

If following him does not translate to you as following happiness than don't do it. There is a difference between following our own happiness and being close minded and self-centered. When I married we moved 2000km away in a place I didn't even know the language. It was hard but I saw it as an adventure and it's a period of my life I would not erase. It opened my mind and my view of the world.

 

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

 

I am Canadian, my BF is from France living here. After 2 year it's still an adaptation for him but he keeps an open mind and he's welcoming integrating our society. He misses a few things from Europe but he enjoys so many new things from Canada.

 

I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.

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I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.

 

Very much agree. But, if staying in the UK, building your career, staying near family and friends is in your heart and mind, don't sacrifice that for a man.

 

You could always visit for an extended period of time if you can, just to see how you like it. But, not until he has a job and he is well settled.

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If following him does not translate to you as following happiness than don't do it. There is a difference between following our own happiness and being close minded and self-centered. When I married we moved 2000km away in a place I didn't even know the language. It was hard but I saw it as an adventure and it's a period of my life I would not erase. It opened my mind and my view of the world.

 

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

 

I am Canadian, my BF is from France living here. After 2 year it's still an adaptation for him but he keeps an open mind and he's welcoming integrating our society. He misses a few things from Europe but he enjoys so many new things from Canada.

 

I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.

 

Gaeta,

 

To be fair, your bf moved to you, so most of the sacrifice was made by your bf, not you, right?

 

Another thing, your bf is from France, he moved to FRENCH Canada, so the adjustment, though considerable, may not have been as bad as it will be for her.

 

Were you jobless when your bf moved to you? Probably not, right? But the OP is considering moving her entire life for someone who doesn't have a job, promises to pay $200k(???) for her 2-yr retraining/education, etc. Greater risk on her part. And, oh, no ring, proposal yet, right? Too many things to consider and rightfully so.

 

OP, you need to really talk about this. Logistics, legal/residence issue, relationship status, how are you going to pay the rent, sundry of bills, etc.

 

Let's help the OP stay on firm ground and place heavier consideration and value on reality than on romantic 'possibilities.'

Edited by simpleNfit
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heavenonearth

 

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

 

 

I don't think it is prejudice, it's not like she has never been there, it's pretty clear a lot of her arguments were based on experience.

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Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

 

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.

 

I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

 

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

 

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

 

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

 

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

 

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

 

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

 

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?

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heavenonearth
I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

 

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

 

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

 

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

 

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

 

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

 

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

 

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?

 

I think you should definitely WAIT before you make any decisions.

It seems you already made the decision of staying, and everything else would not make you happy. Yes, maybe you could make it work, but you have to see where your aspirations, dreams, values are, and they seem to be pretty set on staying in Europe.

 

I moved to the US for a few years but then returned home to Europe, because I know I would not be happy there. I have a friend who moved to the US for love, but she gave up her career here in Germany and now is a soccer mom upstate New York. She is happy with the 'simple' life, but I don't think that you are the person who would enjoy that (and neither am I, so that is how I see where you are coming from).

 

I thin the best idea would be to really wait to see if he gets the PhD position.

Also, if he doesn't want to propose and marry you before asking you to make such a big decision of moving across the pond permanently, then that's definitely a dealbreaker.

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When you have a professional degree and a career that would require significant retraining in another country, it is a real commitment to move to another country.... You've worked very hard to accomplish your goals, I would really think seriously before giving up your dream for a man.

 

It seems to me like you are still a while away from making this sacrifice. I would definitely want my partner to have a job, I'd want to know the details of his finances (specifically, how he plans to buy this home - don't just "guess that he is rich enough or that his parents may have paid"), and there would have to more serious conversations about marriage... It just doesn't sound like you have seriously discussed how this marriage would really work if you moved.

 

And even then, I would hate for you to make this sacrifice only to have it not work out with this man. I suppose you could always move home... But, you need to feel like you are moving toward something wonderful not feeling like you are leaving everything that is important to you...

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There's no place like home.

 

That is the bottom line and we can all get into fights about which one is "better", the US or the UK, but it is immaterial as it is all down to the OP's personal choice and where SHE feels happiest.

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I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

 

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

 

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

 

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

 

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

 

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

 

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

 

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?

 

I think you should definitely WAIT before you make any decisions.

It seems you already made the decision of staying, and everything else would not make you happy. Yes, maybe you could make it work, but you have to see where your aspirations, dreams, values are, and they seem to be pretty set on staying in Europe.

 

I moved to the US for a few years but then returned home to Europe, because I know I would not be happy there. I have a friend who moved to the US for love, but she gave up her career here in Germany and now is a soccer mom upstate New York. She is happy with the 'simple' life, but I don't think that you are the person who would enjoy that (and neither am I, so that is how I see where you are coming from).

 

I thin the best idea would be to really wait to see if he gets the PhD position.

Also, if he doesn't want to propose and marry you before asking you to make such a big decision of moving across the pond permanently, then that's definitely a dealbreaker.

 

When you have a professional degree and a career that would require significant retraining in another country, it is a real commitment to move to another country.... You've worked very hard to accomplish your goals, I would really think seriously before giving up your dream for a man.

 

It seems to me like you are still a while away from making this sacrifice. I would definitely want my partner to have a job, I'd want to know the details of his finances (specifically, how he plans to buy this home - don't just "guess that he is rich enough or that his parents may have paid"), and there would have to more serious conversations about marriage... It just doesn't sound like you have seriously discussed how this marriage would really work if you moved.

 

And even then, I would hate for you to make this sacrifice only to have it not work out with this man. I suppose you could always move home... But, you need to feel like you are moving toward something wonderful not feeling like you are leaving everything that is important to you...

 

That is the bottom line and we can all get into fights about which one is "better", the US or the UK, but it is immaterial as it is all down to the OP's personal choice and where SHE feels happiest.

 

A lot of reasonable thinking here.

 

firefly123,

 

You have everything to lose here. You're bf is risking a lot less than you are.

 

It seems to me that he is also less open as some may think to being in the UK. His insistance that you move to the USA sounds like he is settling on that as being the answer, so not sure if he is genuinely considering your feelings.

 

Also, yeah, where is the $200K going to come from? He doesn't have a job and if it's coming from family, well, ur, I wonder just how independent he is.

 

His comment that it's like 'pulling teeth' is consistent with his lack of serious thought or consideration to your immediate and ALL TOO REAL need to know the details. Anyone who takes leaving their home, country, culture with such dismissiveness is being selfish. Again, he is not the one being asked to move everything AND disregard years and thousands of dollars devoted to a career you are already engaged.

 

He simply needs to understand that you have a lot to lose. He hasn't even begun a career and his moving to you is easier, more realistically.

 

Personally, I make no effort to get involved with someone who lives outside of the USA (or Canada) b/c it leads to decisions like you are involved. Too complicated and NO guarantees that the relationship would even go beyond the dating stages.......unless he puts a 'ring on it...' and it is announced to family, friends, etc.

 

I don't doubt he 'loves' you, but he's not thinking straight. In the end, it may become difficult to let go and you decide to give in, but do not lose sight on what could go wrong and what you demand as uncertain 'certainties' that will get you to decide to take the chance. As a word of advice, I would have money set aside for you to get a plane ticket back to the UK in the event things fall apart. Keep your credentials from the UK current and keep your bank accounts separate.

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It seems obvious to me that you just don't want to move, but feel bad about it because your BF wants you to.

 

Having been in the same situation myself, I know how hard it is to make that decision.

 

Don't move unless/until you're sure about it.

 

 

Take care.

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At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.

YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

 

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

 

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.

Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.

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heavenonearth
At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.

YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

 

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

 

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.

Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.

 

I agree with this.

I am 30 next month and I am not rushing into anything or compromising anything to 'settle down' asap. You are still really young, and even if you see friends or people around you settle, that doesn't mean you need to as well.

You have so much time left to find the best person to spend your life with.

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