LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Long-Distance Relationships

30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

Like Tree69Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th January 2017, 8:22 AM   #46
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Posts: 4,662
It sounds like he's been pretty clear from the beginning that he intended to settle in the US, and you fell into the trap that many of us women find ourselves in where you hoped and prayed that he would just change his mind. You are both issuing ultimatums to each other, but he's been issuing his (in so many words) since the beginning. Of course he's feeling taken aback at your change in position.

Look, if it were me, there is no way I would want to essentially have to repeat my education and start over from scratch in my career, both from a training standpoint and a cost standpoint. That just seems so tedious. So I don't blame you at all for not wanting to do it! I sure wouldn't! At the same time, I also don't think it's a great idea for you to move to the US without establishing some way to support yourself and earn money in case things go sour with you and your boyfriend, even ten years down the line.

It's a tough situation, but it seems like it shouldn't even have gotten this far, to be honest. This relationship should've been over ages ago, given that neither one of you want to move to the other's country.
__________________
In the end one loves one's desire and not what is desired. -- Nietzsche
clia is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 8:24 AM   #47
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
Hi guys,

Thank you for your input. It got me to discuss things with him over text last night.

I said that I decided that I didn't want to move to the USA because I would have no career and no freedom. There is no guarantee I'll get into uni there and even if I did it would cost $200k plus 2-3 years retraining.

He said that he felt disappointed. He asked me 'so if i dont live in europe with you, then we cant be together?'. He said that I was issuing him with an ultimatum then. He said he wants to move to Seattle where the public transport was good. He said that nature was better in the US compared to Europe. I said the nature wasn't enough reason for me to move. He replied, 'and apparently I'm also not enough reason for you to move either'.

I asked him if he was gonna still apply to the uk for a post grad degree. He said well if we're not together then there was no reason for him to study in the UK.

I said so is that it then, are you 100% sure you want to stay in the US. He said he had told me before when we first started dating that he would eventually go back. He said he had told me all the reasons why he wanted to move back, and he didnt want to 'discuss the topic to death'. I said 'sure, but I didnt think it would be so inflexible.' I said i was upset that he didnt seem to wholly grasp the level of things I would have to give up, and that he didnt seem to have any solutions to the problems I would face. I said i was annoyed that he has just left me to cope on my own, and just expected me to follow him whilst he goes down the path of minimum effort.

I asked if he wanted to Facetime, but he said that he didnt know how talking would solve things. I said so u dont want to discuss things at all? He said that he can talk if i want to talk.

But anyways, it was getting late for him over there. So we have decided to talk in 9 hours time.
Wow this is intense. I am a bit shocked, because you said he has been always so involved and so good to you. And now he is being quite stubborn. You sound reasonable in the discussion and he sounds just very bratty.
I see he is disappointed but he should not express such resentment to you. After all, you'd give up a HELL LOT to be with HIM.

I think the way he reacts right now shows a lot of who he really is, and a lot of that may come in the future whenever you have disagreements. I'd see it as a huge red flag. Where is his compassion? How can he not see that this is such a huge thing for you?

And what someone wrote above about someone else being married to your Stanford grad whilst you date some UK soccer fan - how condescending was that comment, please? I mean, way to go about stereotyping British people.
Dear OP, think again, please, if this is really worth it.
Everyone can marry a guy who makes good money.
But how about marrying a guy who actually can show compassion when it comes to the sacrifices you have to make in order to be together?

I am appalled by his reaction.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 9:45 AM   #48
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by clia View Post
It sounds like he's been pretty clear from the beginning that he intended to settle in the US, and you fell into the trap that many of us women find ourselves in where you hoped and prayed that he would just change his mind. You are both issuing ultimatums to each other, but he's been issuing his (in so many words) since the beginning. Of course he's feeling taken aback at your change in position.

It's a tough situation, but it seems like it shouldn't even have gotten this far, to be honest. This relationship should've been over ages ago, given that neither one of you want to move to the other's country.
True, thats why we did have so many little breakups in our relationship, only to get back together as we just didnt want to be without each other.

Now, my sister says I am just being too emotional and should calm down. Her advice would be to move with hm and that finding a guy i love and compatible with is quite difficult. She says i will have fun in the usa.
firefly123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 11:45 AM   #49
Established Member
 
justwhoiam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 3,448
Firefly, after reading and reading so much, I really don't know where to start from. I feel I'd have to write too much. I guess it ended up being a lot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I am open to the idea of moving but quite apprehensive about it
I don't know, didn't it occur to you to be apprehensive about the UK's current situation? UK needs to rely heavily on import and the country is closing off. Enough said. I don't see a brilliant future, especially on the national job market.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
the average salary for his industry is $100,000 whereas in the UK the average is $43,000 and there are more opportunities for cutting edge research
I guess you mentioned gross salaries. Now consider taxes in both countries. And taxes he might pay to the US should he work in the UK, and taxes you'd pay to the UK if you work in the US.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
For me, everything I feel is better in the UK: the culture, weather, people, cost of living is extremely low, quality of groceries is better, the shopping is better, I can walk everywhere, public transport is excellent, free healthcare and more thing to do
I've been to the UK, London and outside and Scotland, I've been to many states in the US. Food sucks all the same, sorry. You eat well, if you cook. Do you cook? If you do, then you'll be fine. As others say, just know where to buy from. In NYC, you get the little grocery shop run by the Chinese, in the London area, it's just the same but run by Indians. Not many differences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
my family are in the UK
How old are your parents? Are they the kind who would look after your kids? Would they commit to help should you need it? And would you want to take care of your parents getting old? Visit them every day or once/twice a week? If they needed help in the old age, would you put a nurse by their side at home, or a carer, or send them to a nursing home? Are they well-off? Do they own their house or property? Do you have brothers and sisters and what's their position in life? Would they help or just go on with their lives? You need to face all these questions for a life-changing decision like moving your residence to a different country, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
If I start my career again in the US, I would have to retrain for 2 years in my field plus cost of $200,000 (which my bf says he would pay for)
Who said that? Where did you get your info from? Did you attend professional dentistry conferences in the US? You need to attend a couple of those in different parts of the country and get acquainted with real professionals and the market, I'm sure some of them have gone through similar experiences of moving countries and can give you first-hand information and probably some tips. Check the ADA website. I think what you need is to pick the university that will give you the best deal in terms of recognition of your UK studies. Also, you admitted that English people don't go to the dentist much, while in the US I guess most people visit a dentist at least a couple of times a year.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I also feel that I am at the age where I should prioritise having a family, 30
You need to set up a dental office or join a dental office. And get into practical details if you get pregnant tomorrow and working in the dental office. That means choosing a town with kindergarten nearby your house, with services and shopping area near your house/in your neighborhood, etc. Are his parents the kind who would look after your kids in case of need? Or are they more like the couple that likes going on a cruise, or being free of any hassle? If it's the latter, then you don't need to be in California. Think Pennsylvania or New Jersey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I have thought about looking for someone local
After dating him? Or before dating him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
The guy is open to the idea of moving to the UK for a year to study a postgraduate degree this year and is applying, and I am hoping that he will like it so much here that he will stay!
So would his postgraduate degree be recognized everywhere in the US without a problem and no further effort?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
Do you think that if he doesnt want to stay in the UK that I should move to the US?
I think you should only spend your life with someone flexible, especially when a couple is multicultural. That means that the relationship will be able to survive only if both of you are flexible and open.
I am in Europe, he's in the US. We discussed living together, and we both think it's wise to have a base in both continents. I have more roots, relatives, friends and traditions where I live (but I can work anywhere in the world), he has a well-paid job in the US. We could split 8 months in the US vs 4 months in Europe or 50/50, or once he's retired, we can do whatever we feel like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I dont wish to be a desperate single in my 30s and settling with someone I don't like as much or end up with a career but no children.
Only you can answer that. Just the fact that you're not head over heels in love with him is a good enough reason to just wait and see what you really want. But I feel that if it didn't happen yet, it won't happen in the future. You went through the honeymoon phase already with him and you don't sound ecstatic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
he is considering Seattle
With half a continent available, I wouldn't think of Seattle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I've been to the USA twice- NY (I thought it was edgy, but also after a week really boring compared to London, plus dirty and expensive)
I've been to NYC at least 7 times. Every time I try to explore a different area of midtown or Manhattan. If you think it's boring, then you didn't see anything or not enough of the city yet. Despite my multiple visits, there's still so much I wasn't able to do or see yet. Midtown is quite expensive but I find everything exciting. London was boring in comparison. And I think his presence makes everything so much more exciting in general, to me. Maybe you get bored with him? That's not a good sign.

I'd never move to Chicago, too cold. I wouldn't move to California, as I'm paranoid about earthquakes. And Las Vegas is not exactly the nicest place to raise kids. But that's just my view.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I hated the fact you couldn't walk or get to anywhere without a car
You can't compare London to Fremont. You can compare a big city to another big city. Big cities have trains, buses, underground, etc. And you'd walk to many places. That's how it works.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I had to be careful of what I ate cos of the chemicals inside the food
Well, if you eat at Taco Bell, you know what to expect. The good thing is that you can open their website and read anything about the ingredients. I travelled around the UK, and it's not like that. Also, out of the EC rules, I expect the UK will be a magnet for trash from all over the world.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
His family had a huge house, but I felt like I am more accustomed to living in a small flat in the UK
I think a medium size is the best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I can't think of any positives to the US
It's a country of contradictions. I think I like the sense of unity in small communities and "families" like firefighters, the rule of helping each other, the spirit of "everyone have their chance in life" and the poorest one can make it big. I like the spiritual side of the US, which is pretty absent all over the UK, where historic buildings like churches are turned more and more into ticketing premises, gothic pubs, or simply dismembered, with people taking home marble stairs or wooden furniture. The average Joe in England doesn't have much respect for art, while the most insignificant thing is cherished in the US. I wouldn't want my children to grow up in the UK.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
Europe is just tons better
I agree, but I need to see how things will be between England and the rest of Europe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I was wondering if I should just do that and make the best of the USA, instead of trying to date in my 30s and possibly not be lucky?
One way or the other, it looks like it won't go or might not go your way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I just don't get why my bf can be so stubborn about finding a job in the USA
It looks like he had a temporary job in a foreign country. Did he do that because it was his only option? Or to just gain experience? Or for fun? Or to make some good money for later on in his life? Bottom line he's now in his 40s and unemployed. Landing a job might not be the easiest task right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
i feel like he wouldn't have to sacrifice that much to come to the UK
Don't assume that. The sacrifice is that you're not free to go back at your own will anymore, once you're married. You have duties. Duties mean sacrifice. Are you ready for duties and sacrifice? Or are you imposing that on yourself because of your biological clock?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
he's been unemployed for 2 months and is going to start looking soon
I guess his move back home was planned well in advance, how come he didn't apply for new jobs last year? For a smooth job switch? He either wanted some sabbatic time, or I don't know, maybe he doesn't rely on his personal income to live (which wouldn't sound attractive in a man in his 40s). Is he currently living in with his parents?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
He has been living away from the US since 2000
So you think it'll be easy for him to land a job after 17 years out of country? Was he at least working for a US company abroad?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
He is also looking at universities in London for this October's class due to my suggestion of trying out the UK and to be with me sooner.
I think his priority now should be finding a job to sustain himself and get his career back on track. Stalling him for another year would mean stalling any family plan you might have. It's hard to have a family with no stability and no finances.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
should i take other people's advice that i should not sacrifice anything for a man?
Seriously, do you think that by marrying ANY guy you won't sacrifice anything? In my part of the world, you sacrifice for family not for a man. If you have a project and a goal together, you do your part. Doing your part might mean to sacrifice something along the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US
There are 65 dental schools in the US. You can contact them and see which ones give you the best deal, they all have their own requirements. I don't think they'd have you start from scratch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life
You'll be a homemaker (Americans like to use this term lately as housewife is not politically correct) only if you want to be that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.
Did you contact all the 65 schools to come to that conclusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay?
Well, it's time for you to ask questions and get into details.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US
What do you think is more important for a child, having the love and guidance of a family or education from a boarding school?

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?
Don't marry him if you have this scheme in mind. It will often fail and with bad feelings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport
All true, though houses are probably less solid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
he doesnt like driving either
I guess that would be kind of a dealbreaker for me. I love a man who likes driving. I love the idea of driving on route 66, or driving across the USA. I like that idea of freedom, and stoppint along the road to take pictures, or stopping anywhere to eat or sleep. If you like freedom, the US should be the place for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London
It looks like the compromise is too much for you both. Just consider for one moment that he was out of his country for 17 years already, and I guess he was looking forward to being back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?
Risky.
BluEyeL likes this.
justwhoiam is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th January 2017, 12:07 PM   #50
Established Member
 
VeveCakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,212
The issue you haven't really touched on either is Visas....it is almost impossible to get one to move to the US even if you did get married. Same with him going to the UK - and if he gets a marriage visa he can't work for 6 months after moving to the UK. Is that sustainable for you both?
VeveCakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
He won't tell his ex-fiance and female friend that we're in a relationship [update] Mandy26 Breaks and Breaking Up 38 3rd November 2014 9:23 PM
Fiance texting female coworker wifeytype2013 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 1 6th September 2012 2:01 AM
My Overseas Fiance Wants To Have New Female Friends skyline871 Long-Distance Relationships 7 30th May 2012 1:23 PM
Starting over with fiance but he may have to move soon. What should I do? peacefuldreamer Long-Distance Relationships 2 1st July 2004 1:08 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:10 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.