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30y female, should i sacrifice my life to move to the USA to be with probable fiance?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 8th January 2017, 9:41 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
If following him does not translate to you as following happiness than don't do it. There is a difference between following our own happiness and being close minded and self-centered. When I married we moved 2000km away in a place I didn't even know the language. It was hard but I saw it as an adventure and it's a period of my life I would not erase. It opened my mind and my view of the world.

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

I am Canadian, my BF is from France living here. After 2 year it's still an adaptation for him but he keeps an open mind and he's welcoming integrating our society. He misses a few things from Europe but he enjoys so many new things from Canada.

I don't know, when I die I want to look back and think I lived my life fully, I took chances, I saw the world, I gave myself totally to men I loved. I don't want to look back and see a woman that always remained on the side walk and feared to live but got a bunch of money and properties she won't take to her grave anyway.
Gaeta,

To be fair, your bf moved to you, so most of the sacrifice was made by your bf, not you, right?

Another thing, your bf is from France, he moved to FRENCH Canada, so the adjustment, though considerable, may not have been as bad as it will be for her.

Were you jobless when your bf moved to you? Probably not, right? But the OP is considering moving her entire life for someone who doesn't have a job, promises to pay $200k(???) for her 2-yr retraining/education, etc. Greater risk on her part. And, oh, no ring, proposal yet, right? Too many things to consider and rightfully so.

OP, you need to really talk about this. Logistics, legal/residence issue, relationship status, how are you going to pay the rent, sundry of bills, etc.

Let's help the OP stay on firm ground and place heavier consideration and value on reality than on romantic 'possibilities.'
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Old 8th January 2017, 9:43 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post

It will work depending on how opened your mind is and how adventurous you feel. You sound already pretty prejudiced toward the US.

I don't think it is prejudice, it's not like she has never been there, it's pretty clear a lot of her arguments were based on experience.
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:07 AM   #18
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Moving across the ocean for a partner is a highly personal decision. I'm not sure I would want to do it or would be willing to do it, especially if it meant essentially giving up my career. And I'm also wondering how your boyfriend is going to pay $200k for you to continue your career given that he currently doesn't even have a job. (To retrain for two years plus pay $200k seems outrageous.) But I wouldn't be moving anywhere unless there was an official engagement, with ring, and wedding being planned.

It does sound like the best option for you is that he goes to school in the UK and falls in love with the place. But he may have similar feelings toward the UK that you have toward the US. There's no place like home.
I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:15 AM   #19
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I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?
I think you should definitely WAIT before you make any decisions.
It seems you already made the decision of staying, and everything else would not make you happy. Yes, maybe you could make it work, but you have to see where your aspirations, dreams, values are, and they seem to be pretty set on staying in Europe.

I moved to the US for a few years but then returned home to Europe, because I know I would not be happy there. I have a friend who moved to the US for love, but she gave up her career here in Germany and now is a soccer mom upstate New York. She is happy with the 'simple' life, but I don't think that you are the person who would enjoy that (and neither am I, so that is how I see where you are coming from).

I thin the best idea would be to really wait to see if he gets the PhD position.
Also, if he doesn't want to propose and marry you before asking you to make such a big decision of moving across the pond permanently, then that's definitely a dealbreaker.
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:25 AM   #20
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When you have a professional degree and a career that would require significant retraining in another country, it is a real commitment to move to another country.... You've worked very hard to accomplish your goals, I would really think seriously before giving up your dream for a man.

It seems to me like you are still a while away from making this sacrifice. I would definitely want my partner to have a job, I'd want to know the details of his finances (specifically, how he plans to buy this home - don't just "guess that he is rich enough or that his parents may have paid"), and there would have to more serious conversations about marriage... It just doesn't sound like you have seriously discussed how this marriage would really work if you moved.

And even then, I would hate for you to make this sacrifice only to have it not work out with this man. I suppose you could always move home... But, you need to feel like you are moving toward something wonderful not feeling like you are leaving everything that is important to you...
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Old 8th January 2017, 10:30 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by clia View Post
There's no place like home.
That is the bottom line and we can all get into fights about which one is "better", the US or the UK, but it is immaterial as it is all down to the OP's personal choice and where SHE feels happiest.
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Old 8th January 2017, 11:47 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by firefly123 View Post
I would have to retrain as a dentist there, as my degree (for which i sweated blood and tears for) is not recognised in the US. There are entrance exams, interviews, 2-3 years of uni, plus more licensing exams. The thought of undergoing all that, just stresses me out to the max.I just don't know if i have it in me to do this, or even get in, as the course is so tough. It took me 6 years of university and debt too to get my degree, and I've only worked 3 years so far. I think that if i chose not to retrain, it would be a great disappointment in myself and to my parents, and also what would I do for the rest of my life in the US? I dont really want to be housebound, unable to drive, no career, and just be home with kids for the rest of my life. I sometimes feel like moving to the US would be like a 60 + year prison sentence for me. Not sure if I'm being overdramatic, but it feels like what I love and my freedom would be taken away.

In the UK I also wanted to train as an orthodontist, but I would have to give up that dream permanently if I go to the USA as that would mean 5 years retraining plus it's super competitive to get in.

I guess he is rich enough to be able to afford $200k? I don't know, maybe his parents will pay? He didnt go into the details but he said 'I'll help you pay' and 'It's not like you have to pay for it'.

He hasnt proposed as such but he does drop hints like 'I guess by then we will be married so the visa wouldnt be an issue', or stuff about how keen he is about having a family and how he wants to get married within the next year or so. He's already 40, so he is feeling the biological clock.

I really don't think I would enjoy living in the US, mainly due to public transport issues, and my soul is in Europe- the language, the history, culture, people....I also have a strong wish for my children to grow up in Europe, amongst all that cultural heritage and history. I even have thoughts of sending them to boarding school in the UK should I really move to the US. Or maybe my boyfriend will just work a few more years in the US, and then when our kids are about 5 we move back to the UK?

When I discuss it with my bf, I do get a bit emotional, and he says getting me to go to the US is like 'pulling teeth', and he tells me that if I feel like I'm going to be miserable, then I will be miserable and that I haven't tried it. He says that the houses are bigger there, salaries are higher, he won't go to a city without good public transport as he doesnt like driving either, and we can buy food from Wholefoods if I want.

When I am with him though, I am so happy and would do anything just to be together, but after weeks/months of being apart, these nagging doubts will just resurface in my mind.

Do you think I should wait and see if he gets a university place in London, and then hope that we will settle down so much that he wouldnt want to move?
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I think you should definitely WAIT before you make any decisions.
It seems you already made the decision of staying, and everything else would not make you happy. Yes, maybe you could make it work, but you have to see where your aspirations, dreams, values are, and they seem to be pretty set on staying in Europe.

I moved to the US for a few years but then returned home to Europe, because I know I would not be happy there. I have a friend who moved to the US for love, but she gave up her career here in Germany and now is a soccer mom upstate New York. She is happy with the 'simple' life, but I don't think that you are the person who would enjoy that (and neither am I, so that is how I see where you are coming from).

I thin the best idea would be to really wait to see if he gets the PhD position.
Also, if he doesn't want to propose and marry you before asking you to make such a big decision of moving across the pond permanently, then that's definitely a dealbreaker.
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
When you have a professional degree and a career that would require significant retraining in another country, it is a real commitment to move to another country.... You've worked very hard to accomplish your goals, I would really think seriously before giving up your dream for a man.

It seems to me like you are still a while away from making this sacrifice. I would definitely want my partner to have a job, I'd want to know the details of his finances (specifically, how he plans to buy this home - don't just "guess that he is rich enough or that his parents may have paid"), and there would have to more serious conversations about marriage... It just doesn't sound like you have seriously discussed how this marriage would really work if you moved.

And even then, I would hate for you to make this sacrifice only to have it not work out with this man. I suppose you could always move home... But, you need to feel like you are moving toward something wonderful not feeling like you are leaving everything that is important to you...
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
That is the bottom line and we can all get into fights about which one is "better", the US or the UK, but it is immaterial as it is all down to the OP's personal choice and where SHE feels happiest.
A lot of reasonable thinking here.

firefly123,

You have everything to lose here. You're bf is risking a lot less than you are.

It seems to me that he is also less open as some may think to being in the UK. His insistance that you move to the USA sounds like he is settling on that as being the answer, so not sure if he is genuinely considering your feelings.

Also, yeah, where is the $200K going to come from? He doesn't have a job and if it's coming from family, well, ur, I wonder just how independent he is.

His comment that it's like 'pulling teeth' is consistent with his lack of serious thought or consideration to your immediate and ALL TOO REAL need to know the details. Anyone who takes leaving their home, country, culture with such dismissiveness is being selfish. Again, he is not the one being asked to move everything AND disregard years and thousands of dollars devoted to a career you are already engaged.

He simply needs to understand that you have a lot to lose. He hasn't even begun a career and his moving to you is easier, more realistically.

Personally, I make no effort to get involved with someone who lives outside of the USA (or Canada) b/c it leads to decisions like you are involved. Too complicated and NO guarantees that the relationship would even go beyond the dating stages.......unless he puts a 'ring on it...' and it is announced to family, friends, etc.

I don't doubt he 'loves' you, but he's not thinking straight. In the end, it may become difficult to let go and you decide to give in, but do not lose sight on what could go wrong and what you demand as uncertain 'certainties' that will get you to decide to take the chance. As a word of advice, I would have money set aside for you to get a plane ticket back to the UK in the event things fall apart. Keep your credentials from the UK current and keep your bank accounts separate.
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Old 8th January 2017, 11:58 AM   #23
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It seems obvious to me that you just don't want to move, but feel bad about it because your BF wants you to.

Having been in the same situation myself, I know how hard it is to make that decision.

Don't move unless/until you're sure about it.


Take care.
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Old 8th January 2017, 12:11 PM   #24
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At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.
YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.
Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.
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Old 8th January 2017, 12:16 PM   #25
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At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.
YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.
Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.
I agree with this.
I am 30 next month and I am not rushing into anything or compromising anything to 'settle down' asap. You are still really young, and even if you see friends or people around you settle, that doesn't mean you need to as well.
You have so much time left to find the best person to spend your life with.
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Old 8th January 2017, 1:08 PM   #26
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Iff.......your bf:
  • were employed and established in the US in a good career (commensurate with his mature age)
  • worked hard to create a realistic move plan that took your needs into account, including buffering the huge financial vulnerability you would be incurring
  • you had a proposal, ring, and date
  • and oh, about a half-dozen other things that don't pop to mind right atm
....then it would STILL be a big decision with a lot of risk in it. Worth considering and maybe taking, as Gaeta says, but still a risk. However, WITHOUT any of those things as you are now, it's just a no-go.

So his family lives in Fremont, California....that's just a few miles from me, in the heart of Silicon Valley. Right now, we are in the strongest employment market in history, with a record high number of jobs and wages. Anyone who wants to work and has the skills to fog a mirror with his/her breath is working. And your BF is not, because he's not even been job hunting. I'm assuming he's some kind of professional.....right? Job hunting for him isn't a 60 hour week pounding round the mill gates and stockyards with cloth cap inm hand, it's just going online, sending emails and making calls. 6-7 hours a week would make a good shot at it. If I were he and truly desirous of checking out the job market, I wouldn't be waiting. I'd be actively scouting opportunities in all the key markets for my field, while also looking for opportunities for my loved one. The goal would be to find a city in this huge, diverse country of unlimited opportunity that could be a fit for both of us.

The US ranges from the subtropics to the Arctic, from seacoast and Pacific islands to prairies 1500 miles from saltwater. While some in the US are harvesting roses and citrus (Fremont!!), others are icefishing on lakes with 18 inches solid ice below them (my cousins). Elevations range from -224 ft below MSL to, what, 18,000 feet above. Denver is a huge city a mile high in the Rockies. Massive mountain ranges also include the Appalachians and the Sierras. The economy covers agriculture, computers, services, health care, education, manufacturing, oil and gas, sustainable energy, electronics, chemicals, pharmaceuticals, construction, the arts, automotive, sports, etc. etc. etc. and in most categories, the US is leading or neck and neck with the leaders in innovation and growth. So the US has plenty of opportunity for a youngish, English-speaking couple to build a life.....assuming both are motivated.
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Old 8th January 2017, 1:26 PM   #27
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At 40, he is unemployed and sounds like he wants to be a perpetual student. He is asking you to give up too much.
YOU have a well paid professional career and a goal for the future ahead of you, whilst he seems to want you to give all that up to be barefoot in the kitchen in the US.

Don't throw it all away for this guy, he is just not worth it.

I now the clock is ticking, but you are not that old at 30 and there are guys in the UK that could make you happy. give you the kids you want and you could still work in your profession too.
Stop wasting time, start looking for someone else ASAP is my advice.
I have to say that I completely agree.
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Old 8th January 2017, 2:34 PM   #28
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In my own experience, I got to the point where I had to decide which country I was going to live the rest of my life in, which people I was going to invest in, and where my heart really belonged. That point came after living in the new country for several years.

At one point, I always felt like I wanted to be in the other country, regardless of which one I was in

Strangely, I ended up living in a third country, where I now live very happily.

No more big moves for me.

All's well that ends well.


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Old 8th January 2017, 4:08 PM   #29
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I have been to the UK several time, and to Europe and I live in Arizona. Hands down the weather in Arizona beats the UK. It is beautiful 8 months out of the year. 4 months of hot heat but 8 months of nice. Cost of living out here is pretty cheap 2 bed/2 ba apt $800/mo. The UK is constantly overcast and rainy and cold in the winter. The US is HUGE so if he is thinking about Seattle, the cost of living in seattle has skyrocketed there. My step son and his GF just moved there and they pay almost $2000 a month in rent for a small 1000 sq ft apt. They both work for Amazon. Yes it is cold and rainy there too.


London is extremely expensive I assume you don't live there.


Taxes are much higher in the UK to pay for your healthcare. But in the end maybe its worth it.


Yes our healthcare system is a mess but we do have reasonable cost dental.


If he is unemployed I would not even think of moving to the US with him. It does sound like you are happy where you are at and you should encourage him to perhaps move where you are.


Before I would even come to the US with him I would find out where exactly for sure he is going to end up. Where does he live now? NYC, San Fran, Seattle all have high costs of living. Out of those 3 though I would choose Seattle in a heartbeat. It's a hip city, good looking young people, lots of coffee, sports, and a short drive to beautiful Canada.


good luck!
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Old 8th January 2017, 6:24 PM   #30
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Gaeta,

To be fair, your bf moved to you, so most of the sacrifice was made by your bf, not you, right?

Another thing, your bf is from France, he moved to FRENCH Canada, so the adjustment, though considerable, may not have been as bad as it will be for her.

Were you jobless when your bf moved to you? Probably not, right? But the OP is considering moving her entire life for someone who doesn't have a job, promises to pay $200k(???) for her 2-yr retraining/education, etc. Greater risk on her part. And, oh, no ring, proposal yet, right? Too many things to consider and rightfully so.

OP, you need to really talk about this. Logistics, legal/residence issue, relationship status, how are you going to pay the rent, sundry of bills, etc.

Let's help the OP stay on firm ground and place heavier consideration and value on reality than on romantic 'possibilities.'
My BF left a profession (and his own company) of 25 years (Electrician) to move in Canada. Over here he has to go back to school to get his Canadian licenses. He is doing it right now at the age o 49.

Concerning OP's boyfriend, I didn't think she was considering moving to US tomorrow morning. for sure she is not considering moving there till he is settled in a new job and he can support her while she adjust on her new continent.

OP's title is very clear, She sees moving to him as a 'sacrifice' It will not work with this state of mind.

She met this guy some 6 months ago? I wouldn't uproot myself for a man I dated 6 months. I would only consider it for a man that has been 2-3 years in my life and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
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