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Should We Take A Break?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 25th December 2016, 12:49 AM   #1
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Should We Take A Break?

I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and we have done long distance over the last 4 months once we started college. Him and I were incredible together but now the relationship seems to have changed. He's more jealous and paranoid and I get more easily annoyed with him.

Before when we were together the relationship was much more codependent. He helped get me through a rough period of time and after that it was just us two always together right up until college. The plan was for me to transfer after this year so we can start our life together at his school. It seems like while I have branched out at school he has put his life on pause waiting for me to get there. I don't want to be in a codependent relationship and this decision to transfer to his school seems to ensure that i am tied to the decision to spend my life with him.

So I'm thinking that we should take a break for the semester, and figure ourselves out independently.. But i don't want to hurt him, because i love him and i also don't want to make a mistake. This isn't about meeting other guys, this is about me figuring myself out for being who i am and what i want without his input.

We'd probably be able to see each other over the summer and maybe we could work on it from there? Thoughts? I don't know what the right choice is
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Old 25th December 2016, 3:48 AM   #2
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A break is a break up. After adopting this new definition, do you want to break up with him?
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Old 25th December 2016, 1:34 PM   #3
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Yeah, there's no such thing as a break. And absolutely, you should break up with him. You said you need to figure things out on your end. That's fair and you really need to do that by yourself, there's no way around it.

The break up is going to cause some pain, but it's a lot better this way, clean cut, transparent about reasons than a month-long, year-long dragging struggle, back and forth.

Tell your BF what you told us.
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Old 25th December 2016, 1:36 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and we have done long distance over the last 4 months once we started college. Him and I were incredible together but now the relationship seems to have changed. He's more jealous and paranoid and I get more easily annoyed with him.

Before when we were together the relationship was much more codependent. He helped get me through a rough period of time and after that it was just us two always together right up until college. The plan was for me to transfer after this year so we can start our life together at his school. It seems like while I have branched out at school he has put his life on pause waiting for me to get there. I don't want to be in a codependent relationship and this decision to transfer to his school seems to ensure that i am tied to the decision to spend my life with him.

So I'm thinking that we should take a break for the semester, and figure ourselves out independently.. But i don't want to hurt him, because i love him and i also don't want to make a mistake. This isn't about meeting other guys, this is about me figuring myself out for being who i am and what i want without his input.

We'd probably be able to see each other over the summer and maybe we could work on it from there? Thoughts? I don't know what the right choice is
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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
A break is a break up. After adopting this new definition, do you want to break up with him?
OP, I agree with Lolablue.

1. What do you think your s/o is jealous about?

2. What things have you been getting annoyed about?

3. How has he put his life on hold for you?

In a sense, people put their life on hold, for the one they love. All the time. When one person in a couple(married or not, in the military or not). In a home purchase/sale, one person moves to the new location to set up housing. While the other person stays behind to complete the sale.

I have relatives that recently moved from Colorado to North Carolina. It was during a slump in the real estate market. So one of them stayed in Colorado to complete the sale of the house there. While the other one lived in apartment in North Carolina. The house in Colorado eventually sold after a year, enabling them to start the purchase of the home in North Carolina.

The point is, you are not tied to him, and he is not tied to you.

Last edited by Chris516; 25th December 2016 at 1:57 PM..
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Old 27th December 2016, 2:54 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
He's more jealous and paranoid and I get more easily annoyed with him.
Well, to me it makes sense that he's more guarded now, because you're far apart. And things happen. You hear lots of stories of when people are apart and don't want them to happen to you. So please don't blame him for that. If you were in love with him, and I'm not sure if you are anymore, you wouldn't be too bothered by his approach to the LD. And always remember: no one is perfect. Try to keep that in mind, every time you get bothered.

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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
He helped get me through a rough period of time
THAT is annoying, if you ask me. He was good, in times of need. Now that you can do without him, he's not good anymore. While growing up, also ask yourself if it's good to use people to your own advantage. And don't treat anyone as if they were an old shoe. What goes around comes around.

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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
I'm thinking that we should take a break for the semester
You need to do what feels best for you, but let him free in the process. He will probably start dating other girls, or hook up or have one-night stands. Don't force contact after breaking the relationship, that wouldn't be healthy nor natural. Don't expect to resume the relationship in the summer: after asking for the break, you'll be unreliable in his eyes, and he might be more willing to invest his time in some other girl or several/different girls, or just avoid relationships and look for just some fun.

Own your decisions.
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Old 28th December 2016, 3:13 PM   #6
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Sometimes a break is the best thing to do. The space might be what your relationship needs.
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Old 28th December 2016, 6:51 PM   #7
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If you think you should take a break, you should definitely take a break.

It's like putting your toe into the breakup pool, but that's ok. It's very normal at your age. Definitely don't rush into marriage. The rest of your life is a long damn time. You want to get it right.
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Old 1st January 2017, 8:38 PM   #8
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THAT is annoying, if you ask me. He was good, in times of need. Now that you can do without him, he's not good anymore. While growing up, also ask yourself if it's good to use people to your own advantage. And don't treat anyone as if they were an old shoe. What goes around comes around.

Alright I agree with you on the first part but this? You have no right to judge me because you do not know our relationship. Plus you are cheating on your husband?? Talk about treating someone like an old shoe. Maybe you should use some of that crude judgement on yourself
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Old 1st January 2017, 8:40 PM   #9
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Alright "justwhoiam" I agree with you on the first part but this second part? You have no right to judge me because you do not know our relationship. Plus you are cheating on your husband?? Talk about treating someone like an old shoe. Maybe you should use some of that crude judgement on yourself, because being 'just who you are' is no excuse to cheat
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Old 2nd January 2017, 2:57 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
You have no right to judge me
Where did I judge you? Maybe what I said didn't apply to you, because I don't know you. So I only analyze what you told us. But you got offended by my words, so I guess I hit the nail on that? I don't know. Your reaction seems a little overboard. If it didn't apply to you, you could have just said: oh no, don't worry, I'm not that kind of person.

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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
you are cheating on your husband??
I'm not sure where you got that from? After 18 years with the same man, and always faithful to him, like in my only previous relationship, I fell in love with someone else. And when I met this new man, nothing happened. Nothing. Not even a kiss. Things evolved later on, and I have a new relationship. So well, talking about judgement.

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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
Talk about treating someone like an old shoe.
I can talk about that if you want. I'm not perfect, I'm just like anyone else I guess. But I'm always there for the people I love. Even if a relationship ends. Other feelings remain.

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Originally Posted by newyork1 View Post
Maybe you should use some of that crude judgement on yourself
Don't worry, I'm usually very hard on myself.
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