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Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 20th December 2016, 2:08 PM   #1
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Complete and Utterly

Good afternoon, everyone!

Well, as I continue on my quest to understanding women and perhaps settling down, I have found myself in yet another difficult situation. I have been on and off with this girl since last year and we have rekindle are friendship in the past year. However, prior to the rekindling of this friendship we were sort of in the mix of having some form of a relationship a year ago but didn't commit due to various reasons and we disconnected then. All a long story. We have been in touch again since last November and my interest in her has once again taken form as I have been trying to make things happen this time.

Fast forwarding to now, I have to say I don't know where I stand still but.. She has been a little more open and occasionally does flirt back at times (at times even she initiates it herself) and confesses in me a little more. Hell, I'll go to even say that she's even made some attempt into taking interest into what I've been doing lately and asking how my day is going (which she hasn't done before). Now, I'm still confused because if I were to bring up the subject again of becoming official sometime she dodges the idea and changes topic.

However, a little while ago (2mths back) I had mentioned to her that I would be open into pursuing something more with her and she did say that she's not about doing long-distance relationships and would like for us to continue being friends. I accepted it and moved on. However, this past weekend she confused the living hell out of me. The subject of hooking up with random people came up and we had different opinions on the matter and later I ended up saying "I wouldn't mind hooking up with a stranger" and she got upset by it. Her response was "okay you do you then".

Her response came as a shock to me and something I did not expect at all and completely took me by surprise! I eventually asked her why she responded that way and she said "you say you want to be with me, are into me, all these things but yet you want to have sex with random women. That is not normal. So I don't know if I should believe you when you say these things". Eventually, I apologized and she said that she doesn't want to have a LDR and which is why she said we can be friends.. But that thing would have been different if I hadn't relocated down here.

To conclude this long post, I just want to say that this may perhaps be the most unique situation I may be in due to me having recently relocated to Florida and she lives up north.My closing question would be, why did she react in such a way? And do I keep in pursuit of her?
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Old 20th December 2016, 2:57 PM   #2
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Not your issue. If the boundaries were set up different, I could see her side but she told you long distance doesn't work and prefers to be friends, she risked learning something she didn't want to hear, you were honest with her and she didn't like it. Can't have it all.
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Old 20th December 2016, 4:45 PM   #3
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That's why I'm confused. She wants me to go and focus on do my thing here but when I do she says something like that. I can't help but ponder what exactly it is that she wants me to do. Worst of all is that she said "I don't know what I want" but she certainly doesn't want me hooking up with random women. Also, I thought I would have gotten more input due to the amount of views, I guess not lol.
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Old 20th December 2016, 5:06 PM   #4
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Reguardless of what other issues you have..

Reguardless of what other issues you have which may or may not be substantial, let's talk about your quest.

If you think you will ever understand women, you have a long row to hoe brother. It cannot be done.

If you want to stay with just one here is about as much as anyone knows...

1) The want to be loved and treasured. You have to put their needs above yours.

2) Listen to what they say even if you do not understand what they are talking about. Just agree a lot. And be sympathetic if you need to be.

3) Take care of them in the bedroom again always putting their needs above yours.

4) Be strong for them even when you feel weak.

5) Take care of yourself and your looks.

And, you may do all of the above and live happily ever after, or you may not. It is basically a crap shoot.

If you are lucky she will love you as much as you love her and she will want to meet your needs as well. This does not happen all the time.

Good luck with your quest...
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Old 20th December 2016, 5:20 PM   #5
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I appreciate it! I just wish women weren't so complicated and just provided some depth and clarification on what they want.
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Old 20th December 2016, 6:07 PM   #6
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I have been on and off with this girl since last year
I don't know where I stand still
I had mentioned to her that I would be open into pursuing something more with her and she did say that she's not about doing long-distance relationships and would like for us to continue being friends. I accepted it and moved on.
she said "you say you want to be with me, are into me, all these things but yet you want to have sex with random women. That is not normal.
she said that she doesn't want to have a LDR and which is why she said we can be friends..
why did she react in such a way? And do I keep in pursuit of her?
She's silly.

She was all about autonomy and maintaining just friendship with you until you mentioned getting with other women. Guess what? Friends talk about such things to one another. Romantic partners who are both invested in and are on the same page in the relationship don't. That is the difference that she's trying to conflate.

She's the one not showing interest in being your girlfriend, so what are you supposed to do? Sit up on a shelf until the day rolls around where she can be arsed about a relationship with you? That's not how it works.

You need to stop letting her get away with these mixed messages she's sending you. It's time to either fish or cut bait. If she doesn't want you as a boyfriend, then scale back your involvement with her and quit investing your time and youth in someone who doesn't want what you want. That's the best way to stay out of confusion--stop dealing with double-minded, manipulative people.

Let her be mad... ...where she lives since she doesn't do LDR's and didn't want a romantic relationship with you in the first place. She'll get over it.
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Old 20th December 2016, 6:12 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Bacui View Post
That's why I'm confused. She wants me to go and focus on do my thing here but when I do she says something like that. I can't help but ponder what exactly it is that she wants me to do. Worst of all is that she said "I don't know what I want" but she certainly doesn't want me hooking up with random women. Also, I thought I would have gotten more input due to the amount of views, I guess not lol.
The time may have come in your relationship where you quit confiding in her. It's really none of her business if you do hook up with random women. You're single, you're not her boyfriend and she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. Keep those three things in the forefront of your mind when dealing with her double-mindedness.

She wants you to make her the center of your attention and to not have an interest in other women... that's not up to her.

You go do your thing and quit reporting to her as if she was your girlfriend. You can talk about things generically, but she doesn't need to know your details.
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Old 21st December 2016, 1:57 AM   #8
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Where did she seem to think that you wanted to have sex with random women?
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Old 21st December 2016, 3:38 AM   #9
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Where did she seem to think that you wanted to have sex with random women?
Well I made a suggestion that I wouldn't have minded hooking up with random women again since I'm single and she responded with the line above. So that confused me wholly.
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Old 23rd December 2016, 2:30 AM   #10
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as I continue on my quest to understanding women and perhaps settling down
If you want to settle down, you need to look for that in the right places.

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Originally Posted by Bacui View Post
we were sort of in the mix of having some form of a relationship a year ago but didn't commit due to various reasons and we disconnected then.
What reasons?

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We have been in touch again since last November and my interest in her has once again taken form as I have been trying to make things happen this time.
So, were you just hooking up with her in the past? And how have you tried to make things happen this time?

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I don't know where I stand
Did you tell her where you want to stand? Also, did you reject her in the past, for whatever reason?

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(2mths back) I had mentioned to her that I would be open into pursuing something more with her and she did say that she's not about doing long-distance relationships
So? She didn't say she doesn't want you, she said she doesn't like what you're offering.

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I accepted it and moved on
So basically, you didn't think of changing your offer, you simply let it go. That shows how much you care about her (very little). Based on that, expect her reaction consequently, keeping in mind she's a woman and reasons like a woman.

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I ended up saying "I wouldn't mind hooking up with a stranger" and she got upset by it.
Hello? Anyone there? She IS interested in you. You're just not offering the deal she's looking for. So she's rejecting you. But she didn't rule you out. Had she ruled you out, she wouldn't even be spending time with you, and just doing something else instead, which could be even doing her nails instead of talking to you. Get it?

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why did she react in such a way?
She wants you and can't have you her way.

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do I keep in pursuit of her?
If you are not willing to move back to where she is and not willing to have her by your side where you're at now, then NO. And to even consider both options, you'd need to think what it was like when you were dating her (how did it make you feel? Were you happy?) and why you drew back.
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Old 23rd December 2016, 11:54 PM   #11
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If you want to settle down, you need to look for that in the right places.

What reasons?

So, were you just hooking up with her in the past? And how have you tried to make things happen this time?

Did you tell her where you want to stand? Also, did you reject her in the past, for whatever reason?

So? She didn't say she doesn't want you, she said she doesn't like what you're offering.

So basically, you didn't think of changing your offer, you simply let it go. That shows how much you care about her (very little). Based on that, expect her reaction consequently, keeping in mind she's a woman and reasons like a woman.

Hello? Anyone there? She IS interested in you. You're just not offering the deal she's looking for. So she's rejecting you. But she didn't rule you out. Had she ruled you out, she wouldn't even be spending time with you, and just doing something else instead, which could be even doing her nails instead of talking to you. Get it?

She wants you and can't have you her way.

If you are not willing to move back to where she is and not willing to have her by your side where you're at now, then NO. And to even consider both options, you'd need to think what it was like when you were dating her (how did it make you feel? Were you happy?) and why you drew back.
I want her pretty bad too but the move I feel hurt me a lot. I am kind of wanting to risk/lose everything and move back up north just so I can be with her. I have been in love, have had crushes, have felt many things for girls before... But when it comes to her, I lose all my senses. I can honestly say that has never happened to me with any other girl/woman. I just hope what you're saying is true.
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Old 24th December 2016, 1:17 AM   #12
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Then tell her about all of that. And see if she will wait for you to be back. Have a plan and stick to it. Don't wait until it's too late. You're both dating other people in the meantime, and that can have consequences.
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Old 24th December 2016, 1:59 AM   #13
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Then tell her about all of that. And see if she will wait for you to be back. Have a plan and stick to it. Don't wait until it's too late. You're both dating other people in the meantime, and that can have consequences.
I know I'll mention that to her tomorrow. I also wanted to get her a Christmas gift and send it to her but I have been going back and forth in deciding on what to get her (initially I wanted to get her a bracelet with her initial on it.. now not sure if I should get her a necklace). I haven't really seen her wear a bracelet so I wasn't sure how she'd feel if I got her one.

I know her taste is quite expensive but I don't have the budget to drop $400 on a gift for her.
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Old 24th December 2016, 2:41 AM   #14
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I also wanted to get her a Christmas gift and send it to her but I have been going back and forth in deciding on what to get her (initially I wanted to get her a bracelet with her initial on it.. now not sure if I should get her a necklace).
A necklace seems too much to me now. Though that's up to you of course. A necklace is more binding and all out compared to a bracelet.

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I haven't really seen her wear a bracelet so I wasn't sure how she'd feel if I got her one.
I guess a nice bracelet can fit for any occasion, and I wouldn't pick a gold one for her right now. I guess you want it to be romantic, not about the money. So maybe you can pick a bracelet from a trendy brand or a hand-made one. Local craft is always thoughtful to me (plus it says you care about the environment, you value art, etc). But maybe she's kind of posh. If so, then pick a designer one, like Astley Clarke or Kenzo. Avoid the rigid ones.

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I know her taste is quite expensive but I don't have the budget to drop $400 on a gift for her.
You should be fine spending around $100.
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Old 24th December 2016, 3:06 AM   #15
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A necklace seems too much to me now. Though that's up to you of course. A necklace is more binding and all out compared to a bracelet.

I guess a nice bracelet can fit for any occasion, and I wouldn't pick a gold one for her right now. I guess you want it to be romantic, not about the money. So maybe you can pick a bracelet from a trendy brand or a hand-made one. Local craft is always thoughtful to me (plus it says you care about the environment, you value art, etc). But maybe she's kind of posh. If so, then pick a designer one, like Astley Clarke or Kenzo. Avoid the rigid ones.

You should be fine spending around $100.
I was looking into Alex and Ani's bracelets which is quite trendy right now and it's also for a good cause (they donate a percentage to a charity) and the bracelets are very appealing.
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