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Gaming & LDR Relationship Troubles (27M & 21F)


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Hello and thank you for looking at my post.

 

Some Details:

 

Me: 27 Year old

Her: 21 Year old

We're almost 1000 miles away from each other.

Been together for over 1 year.

 

 

The Story:

We met about a year ago during the summer playing video games online. We had tons of free time and we played games developed a strong relationship that moved into a more romantic atmosphere.

 

We would spend nearly 12+ hours a day together, as well as lots of intimate time.. This lasted until she started nursing school, I started working at a very good job.. I'm about 1 hour ahead of her timezone but its never been much of a problem. She found some online friends and they live out west and this has caused her problems with staying up late (2 or 3am.. or later)

 

She has to start school around 10 am and I start work at 8 am, so I need to be up early.. This issue was compounded by the fact that she started working part time, which means she gets off around 12:00 at night, and wants to play games until 1 or 2 am. One night she didn't even contact me after work, and instead played with her friends for an hour or two even as I waited and send her a few messages hoping that she arrived home safe. I knew she was playing games with her friends, and confronted her about it the next day. She lied saying she went to bed right away but I told her I knew.

She said she was sorry she lied and that it wouldn't happen again.

 

Over all I'm not a very hostile person, I just requested that she didn't lie to me and that we need to figure out how to make a compromise to make this better. Right now she has class 5 days a week from 10am-1pm and scheduled work hours from 6-11:30pm Friday,Saturday,Sunday. But sometimes she works extra shifts, meaning sometimes she puts in a 35 hour work week plus school. She also does some stuff with her irl friends wed night, and I always encourage her to do that, as she really loves it and gives her time away from me.

 

This means I only have Monday,Tuesday,Thursday evenings, and maybe some of Saturday before work as Sunday she has church obligations for most of the day then goes straight to work after that.

She wants to save up money to move out from her parents and eventually group up with me. She is planning on visiting me after this winter.

 

Aside from that I can spend time after her evening shift to catch up and spend time with her. If she doesn't pick up any shifts we're look at about 26 hours of free time that she could spend with me.

This doesn't count getting food/chores her parents assign her or random other things.This is fine, I can handle that, 2 hours a night here and there and maybe a half day or two a few days a week.

The problem is that she wants to do things with her online friends without me during the free time that we can spend together, and she recently said that she doesn't have any free time for herself.

 

She has any mornings before class, afternoons before I get home and Wednesday night as well as Sunday Morning/Afternoon to play games with her friends and chill out with herself. But she wants more free time with just her and her online friends.. Now this might be where I lose some people but she wants to play games (that I also can play) with just her friends and not me. We're not talking about girlfriends or anything (Not that it matters because she is BI but..), it's other dudes that have already expressed interest in her as a romantic partner. She of course turned them down, and as far as our bedroom life we have very specific tastes that are likely only to be fulfilled by a few hundred thousand people in the world.

 

She said she feels guilty if she doesn't spend all of her free time with me (all 26 hours a week she has)

 

I've compromised and even started playing with her online friends during our "us" time, to make sure she can interact with her online friends, but she wants to be alone with them... Does that seem strange at all?

 

She said it wouldn't be weird if we went to bed together (on Skype call) and then for her to get up and play more games deep into the night with her friends while I slept.

 

I'm a hardcore introvert and she's rather extroverted, so its hard for me to understand...

 

Let me know, am I being unreasonable? I really need help from someone else's perspective.

 

 

TLDR: Girlfriend is craving alone time with a group of online friends without me, even if I'm there and ready to spend time with all of them. She wants to exclude me?

 

 

Edited: Formatting & More Info

Edited by Tides
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Personally I think it's unhealthy to focus all your attention on one person, and it sounds as though you've become very dependent on her both emotionally and socially, which is not really what good relationships are about. Sounds like she may be feeling a bit smothered, hence she's asking for time to be on her own, and I'm guessing she's also feeling like she's losing her own identity because of spending so much time with you, and is just being honest with you about needing personal space to interact with other people. I know it's not what you want to hear, but to push for all of someone's spare time is really asking a lot, and ultimately will lead to the end of the relationship because she will start to interpret your need to have her all to yourself as suffocating. The more you push, the more she will push you away.

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I guess I just used to spend 12 hours a day with her for several months and it was never a problem to spend a ridiculous amount of time with me.

 

I've told her that maybe she can schedule time with her friends but she said she doesn't want to do that.

 

I give her Wednesday night to spend time doing her music stuff, and It's not like I'm taking over all her free time. She does have free time during the day while I'm at work to play some games with her online friends.

 

During our free time we tend to to do stuff with her online friends as well, but she just doesn't want me to be there all the time in the evenings.

 

In total she has 25 Daytime Free hours and about 26 evening free hours.

 

I cannot use any of the daytime free hours, as I'm at work.

 

Out of the 26 evening free hours (Not counting the Wed night thing) I spend over three quarters of that time playing online games with her and her friends.

 

Another little problem was that she would be playing video games and I would message her in that game and she wouldn't reply until late in the day before she had to leave for work. Even though there is clear downtime to reply between matches or what ever.

 

I understand some people fall into the camp of that she doesn't owe me a reply to my messages, but when I message her in the morning and get no reply until 5 pm at night it just annoys me. It makes me feel like I'm a lower priority then her gaming and her online friends.

 

When her parents message her she drops EVERYTHING to deal with them, which is perfectly fine. But when I message her I don't get the time of day until hours and hours later, despite the fact that I know she is there relaxing with some video games.

 

Yes, I'm 100% invested into her and our relationship. Gaming is a huge part of our life, is how we met, and its how we spend our free time.

 

I don't have any friends here and social interactions drain me emotionally.

 

I'll try and talk to her more tonight and see if I can come up with some solutions and compromise for her.

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So I went to bed after two hours of gaming with her and her friends after work which ended around 1 AM, I told her she can stay up with them.

 

She played games until 4:30 am with one of them, which is kind of a bummer because I've taken vacation time off today to spend time with her and she will now be asleep half the day.

 

She also still has class and has to drop her sister off at 7 to school.

 

Though I'm not entirely happy with her decision It's a sacrifice I'm willing to do to make her happy.

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GunslingerRoland

Sounds like you are spending a lot of time and energy into a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. A year and a half to meet in person , I would get bored too. What is the hold up?

 

Do you guys have plans? Who is moving across the country? It sounds like she's getting bored with the situation and I don't blame her. I think you need to either end this, or find a way to meet up and make sure you are even compatible in real life.

 

Spending 12 hours a day talking to someone online that you've never met in person is not healthy IMO.

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We haven't met in real life, but plan to in another 6 months or so.

 

It's a Moba Game.

 

You really need to meet up ASAP before you invest so much headspace and time into the R. You never really know what things will be like in person - that's the reason why it's generally recommended not to invest too much before you meet.

 

That being said, to answer your specific question, IMO MOBAs are not a couple-friendly game. There are plenty of reasons why people might want to play a MOBA with their friends and not their partner. Much of it depends on the team setup, you can't just insist that your team take your partner if there isn't space or if the partner isn't playing at the same level.

 

But really, none of this matters till you meet.

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We're both around the same skill level as far as this Mobas go, and her friends tend to be worse then us.

 

We're planning on meeting up after she is done school this spring, she has a very religious family who are very controlling and demanding so timing has to be right.

 

She wants to move out once she gets a job as a RN, work for a year or so and then move in with me after she gets reasonable experience for her career.

 

This means we should be meeting in about 6 or less months.

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I think it's pretty clear that you aren't a priority for her anymore. While you are adding up how many free hours she has each week to spend with you (weird), she is spending her free hours doing what she wants to do -- with her online or real life friends. As to why, who knows? A year is a long time to try to maintain a relationship without ever meeting. Maybe she met a guy in real life. Whatever the case, she is not invested anymore.

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GunslingerRoland

People who really want to be together find a way to be together. The fact that you are both so content to play this long game of waiting so long to meet, and then planning out years more before actually living together, makes me feel like you guys don't want to have a real relationship and just want to live on different sides of a computer.

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TLDR: Girlfriend is craving alone time with a group of online friends without me, even if I'm there and ready to spend time with all of them. She wants to exclude me?

 

 

I don't have gaming experience but I do have long distance relationship experience. It sounds like she is getting bored and is prioritizing gaming with her other friends over you. It doesn't sound like this will work for you longer term and I don't blame you. I wouldn't put up with it myself.

 

 

The problem is that she wants to do things with her online friends without me during the free time that we can spend together, and she recently said that she doesn't have any free time for herself.

 

She has any mornings before class, afternoons before I get home and Wednesday night as well as Sunday Morning/Afternoon to play games with her friends and chill out with herself. But she wants more free time with just her and her online friends.. Now this might be where I lose some people but she wants to play games (that I also can play) with just her friends and not me. We're not talking about girlfriends or anything (Not that it matters because she is BI but..), it's other dudes that have already expressed interest in her as a romantic partner.

 

She of course turned them down, and as far as our bedroom life we have very specific tastes that are likely only to be fulfilled by a few hundred thousand people in the world.

 

She said she feels guilty if she doesn't spend all of her free time with me (all 26 hours a week she has)

 

 

Give her the space she wants. She's starting to feel resentful because you are taking up too much of her gaming/free time.

 

You're the man here, and an older man...why haven't you taken initiative to go and visit her?

 

I don't see this working out well. You're 27, she's only 21, and although that's not much of an age difference, at her age she is going to be discovering a lot of new things in the next few years. It also appears that you want more from her than she wants from you. She wants her space from you...you want her to commit to more time with you. That is not good.

 

She's basically a gaming addict and chooses her addiction over time spent with you.

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I think it's pretty clear that you aren't a priority for her anymore. While you are adding up how many free hours she has each week to spend with you (weird), she is spending her free hours doing what she wants to do -- with her online or real life friends. As to why, who knows? A year is a long time to try to maintain a relationship without ever meeting. Maybe she met a guy in real life. Whatever the case, she is not invested anymore.

 

I don't think she's met anyone in real life, she spends most of her time online with her online friends, it would be much more likely that she met a dude online but I don't think that's the case.

 

I just feel like all of the magic is gone, and now we just play games together here and there and do sex stuff.

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OP me and my BF met via a on line game we are gamers we game at least a few hours a day together when we dont have any things else going on . The thing is we have mutual friends we game with together. Sure we prob have individual friends on our lists in game we talk to but neither is running off to exclude the other for these people.

 

We are pretty much a package deal in game we live together in rl now but even before this we were a package deal in game when we were both on line no matter what the game was. we would even tel the other about any new games we were trying not cause we had to but cause we wanted to share that with each other.

 

OP your GF is telling you with out actually saying it that shes pulling away by doing this its the beginning of the end. And honestly you guys should have met up before now rl I think the distance is starting to disintegrate things if this relationship still means anything to you guys your going to have to get past any barriers and meet up if even only for a few days..

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I don't think she's met anyone in real life, she spends most of her time online with her online friends, it would be much more likely that she met a dude online but I don't think that's the case.

 

I just feel like all of the magic is gone, and now we just play games together here and there and do sex stuff.

 

 

Shes starting to cut you out of the picture for these "friends" shes actually telling you she doesn't want you around them? dont be so naive OP of course shes met a new dude on line its prob him and his friends that are her "new friends" other wise why would she have a issue with you coming around them? remember "mutual friends" that's what most healthy happy couples have not ones who require you cut your significant other out of the picture all together all the time dont be so passive about this it will come back to bite in you in the butt if you are..

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Shes starting to cut you out of the picture for these "friends" shes actually telling you she doesn't want you around them? dont be so naive OP of course shes met a new dude on line its prob him and his friends that are her "new friends" other wise why would she have a issue with you coming around them? remember "mutual friends" that's what most healthy happy couples have not ones who require you cut your significant other out of the picture all together all the time dont be so passive about this it will come back to bite in you in the butt if you are..

 

Well I've over the past 3 weeks joined into her group of friends, which is 3 guys and 1 girl. I play games with them sometimes when she isn't around.

 

She doesn't seem to be attracted to them considering she is sometimes hostile to them in game when they make very terrible plays.

 

She doesn't tend to direct that negativity towards me, though she will call me out when I screw up in game.

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Shes starting to cut you out of the picture for these "friends" shes actually telling you she doesn't want you around them? dont be so naive OP of course shes met a new dude on line its prob him and his friends that are her "new friends" other wise why would she have a issue with you coming around them? remember "mutual friends" that's what most healthy happy couples have not ones who require you cut your significant other out of the picture all together all the time dont be so passive about this it will come back to bite in you in the butt if you are..

 

It's not that shes cutting me out of the picture, its more so that she came to me the other night and said that after work she sat on a bench and though about how she has no time to herself anymore and that she feels guilty if she doesn't spend her free time with me.

 

What troubles me is that she has Free time Wed night with her irl friends and she has almost 6 hours of free time during the day.

 

She is seems like she genuinely wants to make this work, but she has been under lots of stress lately.

 

One of her parents has a terminal illness and won't likely make it for another year or two, and I've been supporting her as best as I can, but sometimes I feel like she is addicted to gaming.

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It's not that shes cutting me out of the picture, its more so that she came to me the other night and said that after work she sat on a bench and though about how she has no time to herself anymore and that she feels guilty if she doesn't spend her free time with me.

 

What troubles me is that she has Free time Wed night with her irl friends and she has almost 6 hours of free time during the day.

 

She is seems like she genuinely wants to make this work, but she has been under lots of stress lately.

 

One of her parents has a terminal illness and won't likely make it for another year or two, and I've been supporting her as best as I can, but sometimes I feel like she is addicted to gaming.

 

 

1st off you guys met on a game? why do you now think shes addicted to gaming? lets be honest here if she was gaming with you 24/7 I bet you wouldn't say that. ok its quite possible shes using the games to escape her rl stress with everything but again I think if she was giving you more time in game you wouldn't be saying shes an addict...

 

But anyways moving on I dont see how her cutting you out of their "game" time is her trying to genuinely make things work? :confused: it kinda sounds like shes putting you and your relationship on the back burner. Let me let you in a little secret when a girl is starting to "feel guilty" about not spending time with a guy its not because of that its because shes feeling guilty shes not as into the guy as she once was.

 

If she was she wouldn't be blowing you off as much as she is.. you would come 1st not her other gaming "friends" you her bf...im sorry its not easy to hear but I really do think shes at the very least emotionally checking out of this relationship its now up to you how you handle it..

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she has a very religious family who are very controlling and demanding so timing has to be right.
Please. She's staying up until 4.30 am playing games, to me that means she's out of control. And demanding? I'm not sure how she can perform long-term if she keeps doing that.

 

Slow down with the gaming. Slow down with the gaming with her. Slow down with time spent with her. Let her know that you want to slow down until you meet her IRL. If she loses interest before that moment comes, that's your clue, you'd better let her go.

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I guess I just used to spend 12 hours a day with her for several months and it was never a problem to spend a ridiculous amount of time with me.

 

I've told her that maybe she can schedule time with her friends but she said she doesn't want to do that.

 

I give her Wednesday night to spend time doing her music stuff, and It's not like I'm taking over all her free time. She does have free time during the day while I'm at work to play some games with her online friends.

 

In total she has 25 Daytime Free hours and about 26 evening free hours.

 

Out of the 26 evening free hours (Not counting the Wed night thing) I spend over three quarters of that time playing online games with her and her friends.

 

Another little problem was that she would be playing video games and I would message her in that game and she wouldn't reply until late in the day before she had to leave for work. Even though there is clear downtime to reply between matches or what ever.

 

Yes, I'm 100% invested into her and our relationship. Gaming is a huge part of our life, is how we met, and its how we spend our free time.

 

I don't have any friends here and social interactions drain me emotionally.

 

Dude, why do you even know these things? You have her schedule/time marked down like it's some sort of currency. You're counting all this stuff in a way that is downright obsessive, and frankly, creepy -- and this is coming from a guy who attempted to tell a girl that she was beautiful without even knowing her.

 

What's worse is you're trying to get her to schedule time with her friends. And the reason you're doing that is likely because you want to be able to gobble up all her time when she's not with them.

 

I'm extroverted myself so I feel the need to tell you that if you are introverted, you guys are going to have a problem later on it seems. You sound super-introverted, which isn't inherently bad. It's just that ... well consider this: Say you guys move in together after meeting IRL. An extrovert gains energy from interacting with people. An introvert loses energy. And if you're this obsessive about her time without being able to see her, then god help her when you guys meet.

 

If she's the adventurous type like myself, then she probably is getting bored of this. The thing about relationships is that what happens in the beginning is not necessarily how things will go throughout. It's just typical wear and tear. It may not have been a problem to spend 12 hours a day together at first, when you're just meeting and playing together regularly at first-- in fact, there's no doubt she was looking forward to that.

 

But 12 hours a day of doing anything -- even something you love -- will wear you the hell out, man. I know you know that.

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