Being there for her in her time of need

[e4u]

I’m in a LDR. Never been in one so really confused about what to do here and I need help please. She lives in LA and I live in NY.

 

 

My gf’s close relative just passed away. We all knew it was coming. I really wanted to come and be there for her, a lot. I made that very clear to her numerous times and in numerous ways/phrasings. She declined every time in one way or another.

 

 

I feel like she did so only because she was worried about me spending all that time/money/re-arranging plans/etc (superficial things to me) involved in coming over. I told her many times that none of that was a problem (it truly isn’t), I just wanted to be there for her.

 

 

I feel like maybe she doesn’t want me to be there either for real (some people want to mourn alone) or because she is still more concerned about my and my superficial things mentioned above than anything else. Had I lived closer then she wouldn’t have pushed me away like this?

 

 

On the one hand it hurts that I’m not there for her. On the other hand I’ve just made it about me and not her when I wrote the latter sentence, so I feel selfish for even thinking that.

 

 

On the one hand I want to fly over and “surprise” her without her “permission” so I can be there for her but on the other hand I would feel terrible if I’m truly not wanted there by her/her family.

 

 

On the one hand I feel her family will think I’m a douche for not being there for her but on the other hand I’m stuck in limbo without her permission/request to come.

 

 

What to do!?

Edited October 15, 2016 by e4u
Formatting

[e4u]

If it helps with any answers, we've been together for a year and see each other just about every month (we both fly out to each others' place). We're both very committed and loyal to one another and luckily there is no trouble brewing anywhere for any reason.

[DoubleForNothing]

Honestly dude, i think you should trust your gut and go to her, right now she needs your support more than anything.

Listen i made a mistake 3 years ago after my gf's father passed away, father that she hasn't seen for most of her lifetime. But anyway i made a mistake, i didn't go for the same reasons you just stated, i guess i was trusting my head more than my heart.

Right after that i felt us falling appart untill not so long after she decided to open a new page, a page where i am no longer there.

 

Don't make my mistake man, listen to your heart , ignore your brain. it saves relationships. (in a majority of cases like this ).

 

Hope everything turns out right for you guys.

Edited October 15, 2016 by DoubleForNothing

[Chris516]

Honestly dude, i think you should trust your gut and go to her, right now she needs your support more than anything.

Listen i made a mistake 3 years ago after my gf's father passed away, father that she hasn't seen for most of her lifetime. But anyway i made a mistake, i didn't go for the same reasons you just stated, i guess i was trusting my head more than my heart.

Right after that i felt us falling apart until not so long after she decided to open a new page, a page where i am no longer there.

 

Don't make my mistake man, listen to your heart , ignore your brain. it saves relationships. (in a majority of cases like this ).

 

Hope everything turns out right for you guys.

I have seen this before. Where the death of a relative, to one of the two people in the LDR. Somehow deals a death-blow to the relationship.

[GemmaUK]

My gf’s close relative just passed away. We all knew it was coming. I really wanted to come and be there for her, a lot. I made that very clear to her numerous times and in numerous ways/phrasings. She declined every time in one way or another.

You have already asked her numerous times and she has declined. You need to respect that.

 

You have already implied and said you're making this about you - if you have done that and if she has felt any of that then if you decide to turn up as a surprise she could well feel obligated to entertain you much like you would do for each other when you have your usual monthly dates. That would be added pressure at a very tough time.

Don't care what anyone else thinks, you respecting her wishes is more important and you having offered several times already she does know that she could ask you to come if she wants you to.