How to handle this situation the best

[le_20]

It's been close to 2 years since we met.We dated for 2 months before he moved permanently back to his country. Lots of up and down happened between us, mainly caused by him as I'm persistent,serious girl but he is not sure what he wants given his age.(20 years age gap, he is westerner and i'm Asian.he is successful businessman, now retired and divorced 10+ years ago,has a kid but kid follows mum.)

 

I'm a master course student, studying at high prestigious school and am top student, in charge of part of Rio and Tokyo Olympics, had my very first Asia tour exhibition at 14 years old....that kind of top student you can imagine.

 

He has similar background to me, top student at university,both our fathers are not responsible man so our mums and us have to work hard to achieve what we want, and also, we are serious in relationship.

 

Anyway, things became official this April despite the long distance. I just came back from visiting him for a month. This is my 3rd visit to his country.Things were all great but during my visit,I attended his friend's wedding ceremony,met lots of his friends, his friends all like me and some even invited me for 2nd and 3rd meetup, some also invited me to their house.He also took me to 2 different states to have short trip. I found he is still actively using dating site.

 

One day he wanted to show me photos and some articles on internet by his phone, but he mistouched the screen and went to his email inbox and I found mail from dating site. I asked him and he said he registered in Feb, recommended by his friend when things still not official between us, he paid for one year fee but tried to cancel his membership after a week because he didnt think girls on that site are nice but the dating site still keeps his profile...he is not really using that site. This is his explanation and I believed in him without doubt.

 

The next day, I wanted to use his computer to send mails to immigration consultant as I plan to move to his country upon my graduation next year and I need advice on visa. His incoming message system was on and showed that he has new message from girls on dating site. If you aren't really active on dating site for months, I think there won't be too much persons trying to message you. So...I checked his computer history and found out he visits the site almost every single day. I was shocked and checked his dating site inbox as his computer remember his id and password, so all i need to do is login...then I found out even during my stay at his place, he still checked the site and message with girls.He had sent out more than 300 mails in the past few months and gave his phone number,fb account to several girls and also asked several girls out!!!

 

I was so shocked as we are heading to a really good direction, I can tell from the way he treats me.Although i never asked,during this trip, he even suggested to support me financially to start up my own business in his country next year. Due to the immigration law, he will take care of company's startup process(renting place, documents..etc). We also met immigration lawyer and he said he just wanted to support me financially and I will be the one who is actually running the company....also, due to the age gap, he said he will only be a part of my life and can't stay by my side forever, so if the business turn out well, I eventually i will be the only owner of the company. He even asked the lawyer how to get my PR in his country to secure my future.

 

To be honest, I was really touched because starting my own business is my dream.I never thought about asking him for financial support because too many person took advantage of him in the past, I feel him and understand how it hurts so I never asked him to give me anything. I have had a rough past which made me independent and know that I have to always work my best to achieve my dream.He knows that this dream is important to me and always being supportive, it's a big contrast to guys who chased me in the past, they wanted me to give up my goals and marry them.

 

 

My bf has been suffering from depression for years since he sold his company as he has nothing to do and get bored easily with everything.All his ex gf ended up dating him not more than half year, some only 2 or 3 months.

He is becoming more stable these few months but he said he is afraid he will feel bored again in the future, the last thing he wants to do is to hurt me.He claimed that we are not casual, he is serious with me and he knows im also a faithful, serious girl.

 

The visa application with lawyer just started.I do love him and no matter it's

20 years, 10 years or less.....I just hope I can stay by his side and also persuade my goals.I'm touched when he mentioned about getting my PR and support my business because he does care about my future and wants me to live a good life in the future even when he is no longer by my side.

 

But at the same time, he is active on dating site....this really hurts me. I once asked him to delete but he refused and said that shouldn't bother me as the actual person he is spending time with is me.

 

I need your advice.....what should I do?

[kidm]

What should you do? It depends on what your primary motivation is. This man has proven himself to be unfaithful and I doubt he is ever going to have an epiphany and quit so you need to ask yourself if that's good for you. What do you want? an honest, respectful man who is not a cheater or someone who will keep cheating but will help you reach your business/financial goals (that's assuming everything he says he will do, comes to fruition). He'll call the shots in the "relationship" and you will have to turn a blind eye to his infidelity. You've started your visa application so it sounds like the fact that he is pursuing other woman is not a deal breaker for you.

[le_20]

What should you do? It depends on what your primary motivation is. This man has proven himself to be unfaithful and I doubt he is ever going to have an epiphany and quit so you need to ask yourself if that's good for you. What do you want? an honest, respectful man who is not a cheater or someone who will keep cheating but will help you reach your business/financial goals (that's assuming everything he says he will do, comes to fruition). He'll call the shots in the "relationship" and you will have to turn a blind eye to his infidelity. You've started your visa application so it sounds like the fact that he is pursuing other woman is not a deal breaker for you.

 

No, it's deal breaker for me.

The visa application needs works from both of us, so far he is making the progress and I have to start mine in my country. I haven't start mine yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like he's looking for a woman to maybe look after his home and run his business for him while he sits back and reaps the benefits. I fully expect he is going to want a financial share of this business arrangement while you do all the day-to-day tasks.

 

If you're considering moving for love, you're totally wasting your time. He is dating other women and therefore not committed to you. He told you himself it shouldn't matter, which clearly indicates he sees no problem with dating others. Don't go there with the assumption you're the only one; you're not. And definitely don't assume he'll stop once you arrive. He won't. We already know this based on the fact he was emailing other women

during your visit.

 

Also, if he sponsoring your visa and the PR process, you will be more or less dependent on him for a period of time. I don't think this is a smart move, considering how careless and disrespectful he's been with you so far. Imagine winding up there and being totally unhappy. Imagine he changed his mind and wants you out. You're setting yourself up for a very precarious situation.

 

Ask yourself what you really want: if it's a man who is faithful and honours you, this man is not The One.

Edited September 2, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[TunaCat]

No, it's deal breaker for me.

 

If it's a deal-breaker for you, then end it. Stand by your words that his choice is a deal-breakers for you.

[justwhoiam]

I'm confused.

 

He's retired and thinking he won't be around for too long. He must be past his 60s, right? He has a kid, so I assume the kid was born when this man was in his 50s. If he's younger (in his 40s or 50s), I can't see how he could be defined "successful" as a businessman, taking into account he's a retired man.

 

You are a master's student, have been an A/top student all your life and a high achiever. You should be like 24-27 years old.

 

So what about the 20-year age gap? Something doesn't add up in your story.

 

Some random questions for you:

 

1. Did you see his ID?

 

2. Did you see his medical checkup reports?

 

3. Instead of trusting every word coming out of his mouth, did you run a background check on him? Assuming he's American, you could get one from People Search, Background Check, Reverse Phone Lookup: Find anyone with CheckPeople.com or something similar. They have a 5-day free trial, just in case. But I guess you'd need someone based in the US to cancel before the 5th day, as you should call their toll-free number to cancel. Anyway, you should really check his credit score, and other useful and revealing information like whether his property has been foreclosed on, whether he has been sued for unpaid debts or whether he has filed for bankruptcy.

 

4. Did you have a look at the contract draft for your business? I hope you're going to read it carefully and he'll be open to discuss it, before signing anything.

 

5. The business deal should remain a business deal and not mixed with "romance". That would make you serious about it. What do you think?

 

Asian women have a submissive stereotype attached to them. You need to decide if you want to embody that stereotype. Or stand up for yourself. I doubt you can do both simultaneously. Especially in such situation you're experiencing now.

Edited September 3, 2016 by justwhoiam

[GemmaUK]

I will be the one who is actually running the company....also, due to the age gap, he said he will only be a part of my life and can't stay by my side forever, so if the business turn out well, I eventually i will be the only owner of the company.

 

So is he going to just sign this company over to you or are you going to be buying the company from him?

 

This isn't a romantic relationship at all - he may be getting needs met out of it romantically but if he has said the above then he just wants you to help with his business, support you financially (which sounds like he is not therefore going to require paying you any wage), get the business to a successful point then..um..give the business to you?

 

Sorry but this all sounds really odd for someone he has known for so little time.

Definitely don't move and up sticks for him. Much less think of this as a romantic prospect or even a way to get your own business.

Neither is gonna happen IMO. I think he just wants unpaid work and romance on the side until he gets bored of the romance part.

The likelihood then of him handing over a successful business to you outright is next to nothing.

[Els]

You need to leave him. Do not move to be with him. It doesn't even matter whether or not he physically cheated on you, the intent is there and that's bad enough.