Emotionally cheated on... ?

[Blue35]

Hey guys!

 

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy since September 2013.

He's an American and I'm a Croatian girl living in Europe. We've known each other for 9 years now and have been friends for 6.

Ever since we got together in 2013, everything seemed to be perfect except for the overseas thing. We would text daily, Skype 4x a week for hours and we even exchanged letters and gifts. We didn't want to go public about our relationship too soon since we were concerned about being judged. We've both experienced it in the past and friends and family didn't believe that it's something real.

So we kept it a secret for a while, yet we continued to text and post things to each other on Facebook. One day, in 2015 while we were skyping he told me about this new co-worker that recently moved to his city and worked there part-time. He said she was around 11 years older than him, a readhead and pretty attractive. I didn't say anything about it since it wasn't really a big deal to me. Soon he came to me with a story that she is married with a guy from Indonesia. He mentioned the Green Card and him being a muslim. Apparently, her husband didn't think that his marriage was valid due to some religious things and he refused to sleep/have relations with his wife. That made her extremely frustrated that she ended up drinking at a bar and being taken by a random stranger...needless to say she had nothing against it. That information really started to worry me since she might make a move on my boyfriend. Soon summer came and he started talking about her more frequently. Like he got to know they had a lot in common like hiking, they talk a lot and soon they started to go on hikes on their days off. Since they both worked over night their sleeping schedule was messed up so they would go on night hikes too and post pictures on Facebook afterwards. Slowly those would become more frequent until I noticed him becoming weird and distant. Everytime I would text him he would be like "...we're going on a hike so I'm getting ready.." or "...waiting for her to text me so we can go on a hike". It started to bother me extremely and I started feeling miserable. After 3 days I finally texted him saying how I felt about him being distant and I didn't like how he's acting. He apologized and said he didn't notice it and asked how long has it been bothering me and I said three days. He apologized again saying he didn't mean to be distant with me and that I should speak up about things and not let them manifest themselves. After that everything was okay but I still kept being anxious about it.

 

The hikes continued and I would still feel angry whenever he would mention her name. Slowly he stopped talking about her and the hikes weren't so frequent.Everything was as usual...we kept texting and skyping and he would often remark, how much I mean to him and how much he loves me, that I'm a blessing to him etc. In October we started talking about meeting up since we've never done that before due to lack of money. So we started planning his trip to Croatia and we agreed on August 2016.

We were both so excited and it got worse once he bought his plane ticket.

Fast-forwarded to August 17th - he finally arrived! It was the best feeling ever to finally have him in my arms. I've found an apartment for us to stay in. Since he could only stay for a week, we made the best out of it and did many things together...one night we decided to stay in the apartment and watch a movie together. All of a sudden he stood up and went to the bathroom and didn't come back right away. He stayed in there for a while which was pretty weird. Then he returned saying he has a confession to make but we could talk after the movie. I stopped the movie and wanted to talk right away. He was a bit nervous and asked me about back then when I noticed him being distant and speaking up about it...then he said he did that on purpose to see how I'd react. Would I fight for him if another woman came into the picture and would I become jealous. He never believed me when I would say that I'm not the jealous type of person. He said after I spoke up about it, it made him realize he shouldn't have done it and he regretted doing it. Needless to say that it hit me really hard and that everything came back to me within a second. I was shocked and I tried to calm down...I left the room went to the kitchen and the tears started flowing down my cheeks. I started gathering my things and said I had to go...He stood up and said that was an abrupt decision. He wanted to stop me telling me not to leave, that we should talk about this and that he was sorry. He almost started crying but I didn't want to talk about it nor look him in the eye. He started crying telling me not to leave him like this, but I just pushed him away and ran out the door. After I calmed down, I returned to the apartment and we started talking about it and I finally admitted that I started developping hatred towards a person I didn't even know and how much damage he has done by such a foolish act. He was bawling his eyes out apologizing saying he didn't mean it. After we both calmed down he told me that communication is crucial...no matter what keeps bothering us we should tell each other...otherwise it would lead to problems in the future. He always said she was just a friend to him and there was nothing else going on between them. After that we layed down not saying a word to each other. I hugged him he started sobbing again saying he doesn't deserve me and such...after that night we continued spending time together although it wasn't really the same anymore.

 

A day after he left I sat down and wanted to sign on my Facebook. Then I saw that he never signed off of his Facebook on my laptop. Long story short, I took the liberty to get into his messages and look through what they were talking about. What I saw was not pleasant - the woman was extremely horny, sent him all kinds of messages besides the hiking schedules and half-naked pictures of herself, calling him daddy and such. He would always say how hot she is, how she drives him wild...he called her nicknames and said things to her he would normally say to me. She would reply how flattered she feels or would just laugh.

He never said a word about me nor being in a long-distance relationship with someone. Then I saw a message where he said he feels so close to her, that there were times when he would like to hug and hold her, but had to stop himself. He said at one point if she wasn't married, he would love to have her as a GF. She replied she felt sorry if she ever pressured him to become friends with benefits with her and even if there wasn't anything going on between them, she enjoys his company very much.

Later that night, when he came home I confronted him about everything, about knowing everything just went mad on him. He was shocked and very sad. Soon he started crying and apologizing saying it was a stupid mistake and that he regretted and still regrets doing that. He said he did it because we were starting to fall into a "routine" and didn't know if we would actually meet and that it only lasted for a month. Which it did, it lasted for a whole month then everything stopped. I was so crushed and hurt, I didn't know what to do. He felt so guilty, he said he would do anything it takes to not lose me, he repeatedly apologized saying he was a moron, saying it was a huge mistake that he really loved and wanted me and nobody else. He wouldn't have traveled so far if he didn't want me or care in that matter.

 

He ended up deleting her from Facebook and writing her a message saying he never ever wants to see her or hike with her again and that our relationship was crushed. She ended up telling him he was a two-faced lying douchebag and that I deserve better.

After our Skype he talked to some of our mutual friends who were shocked and they told me later how sorry he really is and how he regrets everything.

I was so crushed, conflicted, we had a fight throughout the entire Skype session and later through texts. We decided to take some time off to ourselves and to see how it goes on. I honestly don't know what to do...I don't trust him anymore...if I take him back the doubts will come back again and if I break up with him it will be equally bad...

I've want to give him another chance but as a friend, since I don't have the strength to get him back as a boyfriend...my friend and my mom, who both met them told me I should break up and send him to Hell's doorstep...

Is it worth it? Should I give him a second chance but as a friend?

 

P.S Sorry for the long post but I just had to get it out of my system...this man means so much to me...he still does

Edited August 30, 2016 by Blue35

[ExpatInItaly]

In short, no, it's definitely not worth it.

 

In three years that you've been together, you've only met once. That really isn't enough to sustain a relationship. What was the end plan? That is a significant distance to overcome and unless you two were working toward closing the distance, it's a bit futile to try to keep something alive.

 

Not only that, but he's showed you pretty clearly he's not invested in you. He lied about his relationship with this woman, and I would bet there's still more you don't know about them. I don't believe his story that he intentionally started being distant to test you; I think he knew he was caught and tried to put the blame on your shoulders. Then you come to find out they're definitely more than friends. And she knew nothing about you. You can't trust that you know the whole truth here, nor that he won't carry on with her now that he's home. He didn't "make a mistake"; he knew exactly what he was doing.

 

The above do not provide the foundation for a long-lasting, happy relationship. I agree with your mom and friend completely - forget this man. He's not who you thought he was and he's not committed whatsoever. Long-distance doesn't work for him, and this will happen again. You would be far better off dating a man you can spend time with in person. This guy really isn't worth it.

 

Don't even try to be friends with him. He sure as hell didn't treat you like a true friend. He will probably move on to date other women, do you really want to be around to hear about it?

[Blue35]

Thank you so much for your opinion, I really really needed it! We often discussed about closing the long-distance relationship in two years when I finish college and he would move to Europe...but yeah after all I've went through it's clearly not happening!

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you so much for your opinion, I really really needed it! We often discussed about closing the long-distance relationship in two years when I finish college and he would move to Europe...but yeah after all I've went through it's clearly not happening!

 

No, I wouldn't wait around for that at all. He's all talk, and he's playing the both of you (you and his workmate, I mean)

 

Let this one go.

[randall]

...he said he did that on purpose to see how I'd react. Would I fight for him if another woman came into the picture and would I become jealous.

....

He started crying telling me not to leave him like this..

It's like he's deliberately trying to test you to see if he can cause drama for some kind of emotional high.

 

You said you've only met him once in real life and he seems to have ended up crying multiple times during that short period. Sorry but he sounds like a drama queen.

[Blue35]

Yeah he is...and yeah after he confessed he was down most of the time, especially when he was quiet and didn't say much...we planned my trip over there in August 2017 more detailed than before, his friends and family wanting to meet me and such but yeah...

He deactivated Facebook and we're currently not talking at all having time to ourselves...I've deleted all his pictures and our pictures so I don't get reminded...

His last Instagram post was about getting some books about spiritual stuff, the Bible included.

It said that there were more books to come, he wants to become a better person, overcome his flaws, etc. It's going to be difficult but he'll do all it takes....

Edited September 1, 2016 by Blue35

[ExpatInItaly]

randall has it right: this guy is a huge drama queen.

 

I would trust nothing that comes out of his mouth (or on his social media) He's proved himself to be a liar; he kept you a secret - his family and friends might not even know you exist.

 

Delete him from social media and find a man who would love and respect you enough to be honest and devote himself to you, and only you.

[Blue35]

randall has it right: this guy is a huge drama queen.

 

I would trust nothing that comes out of his mouth (or on his social media) He's proved himself to be a liar; he kept you a secret - his family and friends might not even know you exist.

 

Delete him from social media and find a man who would love and respect you enough to be honest and devote himself to you, and only you.

 

Actually they do know about me since they're all on Facebook and they've seen all the posts. Plus they knew about the trip plans since August 2015...some were amazed, some were totally supportive...his parents were concerned and told him to be careful.

They were even sceptical about my intentions and thought I might cheat on him and such...but yeah they knew and know about me that's for sure...

I agree with both of you and it doesn't change anything just adding some things I didn't write about before...

Edited September 1, 2016 by Blue35

[ExpatInItaly]

Actually they do know about me since they're all on Facebook and they've seen all the posts. Plus they knew about the trip plans since August 2015...some were amazed, some were totally supportive...his parents were concerned and told him to be careful.

They were even sceptical about my intentions and thought I might cheat on him and such...but yeah they knew and know about me that's for sure...

I agree with both of you and it doesn't change anything just adding some things I didn't write about before...

 

I was confused because you initially stated it was a secret for a while; when did you go public, and how so?

 

As you say, it's not important now. Just a point of curiosity.

[Blue35]

I was confused because you initially stated it was a secret for a while; when did you go public, and how so?

 

As you say, it's not important now. Just a point of curiosity.

 

We were constantly messaging...even when he was having lunch with friends, with his mom or whoever it may be, We would only disconnnect when one of us was sleeping. Even when we were skyping, his mom would always walk into his room when she'd come over and such...at some point she bent down on the screen to see to who he was talking to all the time. Like I've mentioned before, we would skype for hours and message each other a lot so we were on the phone pretty much all the time. We didn't go public right away but our posts were pretty cheezy with all the music videos and romantic ballads along with the lines we would write. So it was pretty obvious. We finally decided to go public in January this year...we went public because we both agreed that we've waited way too long with it and it was time to do it already...we were both fed up with hiding...it was not a surprise to others since they actually witnessed all the stuff we were doing...we actually expected comments and millions of questions, but we didn't get any since they were all just congratulating us...some of his friends added/follow me and such...they were so happy for us to finally be together since he would always bring up going to Europe to see me in August and such...even at work when he was asking about taking a vacation he told them he was going to Europe so basically everyone knew...and yeah people have no idea that we're in a rough patch at the moment and still think everything's alright around us...

Edited September 1, 2016 by Blue35

[hippychick3]

I think men like that (ones who want to talk and message ALL the time) are the least trustworthy ones to get into a relationship with, especially long distance. They need that constant connection and "high" that's not really sustainable long distance. Eventually they are going to look elsewhere to fill in the gaps. That intense nonstop communication may look like love and longing for you but it speaks more about him and his neediness and inability to be alone.

[Blue35]

I think men like that (ones who want to talk and message ALL the time) are the least trustworthy ones to get into a relationship with, especially long distance. They need that constant connection and "high" that's not really sustainable long distance. Eventually they are going to look elsewhere to fill in the gaps. That intense nonstop communication may look like love and longing for you but it speaks more about him and his neediness and inability to be alone.

 

If that's the case then you could call us both needy...we did talk all the time but when we had to go somewhere (him going to work, exercising or me attending my classes, going shopping and such since where I live there's no WiFi in every corner) so we weren't glued to one another if that makes sense...sorry if I misswrote something don't mean to confuse people. Plus he is able to be alone since he is alone for the most part.

Edited September 1, 2016 by Blue35

[hippychick3]

If that's the case then you could call us both needy...we did talk all the time but when we had to go somewhere (him going to work, exercising or me attending my classes, going shopping and such since where I live there's no WiFi in every corner) so we weren't glued to one another if that makes sense...sorry if I misswrote something don't mean to confuse people. Plus he is able to be alone since he is alone for the most part.

 

I'm talking about men. His need to be in so much contact with you wasn't so much about you as it was about him. He isn't one who likes to be alone, and that isn't a good thing in a long distance relationship as you have found out.

[TMichaels]

OP,

 

At least when you confronted him with the Facebook evidence he came clean.

 

A lot of guys like him who get caught will try to turn things around and make their accuser out to be "the bad guy" because he/she had no right to invade their privacy, snoop around, not trust them., etc.

 

It's all part of the game they play to leave the other person unbalanced, questioning their actions, accuse him/her of being guilty of not trusting them with the goal of getting the accuser to regret their decision about confronting the sneak. If they do it effectively, they're able to get the accuser, who was the totally innocent and naive party, so confused that the *accuser* will take the blame.

 

A lot of time when guys like this do the above, if they don't succeed in getting the focus off their actions and making their accuser feel responsible, they will "go for broke" and throw down the ultimate trump card as in they'll say, "Well, obviously you don't trust me and I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't, so we're done."

 

That's called a preemptive strike and blame deflection and it shows you how far a person like this will go. They'd rather sacrifice you and your relationship rather deal with it like an adult, fess up to their indiscretions, and admit guilt.

 

Don't think because your BF didn't do any of the additional things I mentioned above, that makes him a saint.

 

I hate to tell you, but all the bawling and drama grand-standing wasn't because he was sorry he had treated you so shabbily or had hurt you. The only thing he was sorry about was that he got caught.

 

I am certain if you hadn't stumbled across incontrovertible evidence of what had been going on, he would have never told you. And, I would not be one bit surprised if he has or would continue, if the opportunity arose, to hook up again with this woman.

 

Stand tall and stand your ground. You need this guy in your life like a fish needs a bicycle. Delete him and his contact info from any platforms/services you use as well as any pix, chat transcripts, etc. you may have archived.

 

When you are not reminded of his existence you'll be amazed how quickly he'll fade from your mind. Next time, if you must get into a LDR, don't wait NINE YEARS in order for two of you to meet, have a clear and mutually-agreed upon plan with a timeline to close the gap, and don't let "the haze of love" cloud your judgement.

 

All that BS about his work colleague was just that -- BS. "Night hikes?" Puhleeze. Though you probably didn't want to admit it so you let it go on for longer than you should have or were comfortable with, next time, listen to your gut, get to the bottom of it, and if you don't like the other person's response (either verbally or by their actions), boot their b^tt out of your life immediately, and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I guess he was talking to her when he went to the bathroom. Then he probably felt guilty and brought up the thing starting from Adam and Eve. There's a chance she threatened him to tell you, so he felt forced to disclose something, coming up with it first.

But things turned out bad and he left it at that. Being down all the time afterwards was also a sign to me about feeling guilty. Like... you wouldn't expect "anything" from him... Did you have sex with him?

 

I think it was a bad idea to get together before even meeting up for the first time. I would honestly put the blame 50/50, not just on him.

 

Anyway, something feels wrong about this guy. The sudden turn about being good, reading the bible, posting it around...

Did you notice if he was taking any pills?

 

He deactivated Facebook and we're currently not talking at all having time to ourselves...I've deleted all his pictures and our pictures

 

people have no idea that we're in a rough patch at the moment and still think everything's alright around us...

I'm not sure how you got to that conclusion. Is it because you are faking it with them? As if nothing had happened?

 

Also, when you say "we're in a rough patch", it sounds like you're going through a difficult time as a couple. Does this mean you're still a couple?

Apparently, neither of you broke up with the other. Are you currently feeling in a limbo or consider the fading out a break-up statement?

 

By the way, did you start talking to him when you were 13? How did you meet him online?

Edited September 3, 2016 by justwhoiam

[Blue35]

OP,

 

At least when you confronted him with the Facebook evidence he came clean.

 

A lot of guys like him who get caught will try to turn things around and make their accuser out to be "the bad guy" because he/she had no right to invade their privacy, snoop around, not trust them., etc.

 

It's all part of the game they play to leave the other person unbalanced, questioning their actions, accuse him/her of being guilty of not trusting them with the goal of getting the accuser to regret their decision about confronting the sneak. If they do it effectively, they're able to get the accuser, who was the totally innocent and naive party, so confused that the *accuser* will take the blame.

 

A lot of time when guys like this do the above, if they don't succeed in getting the focus off their actions and making their accuser feel responsible, they will "go for broke" and throw down the ultimate trump card as in they'll say, "Well, obviously you don't trust me and I can't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't, so we're done."

 

That's called a preemptive strike and blame deflection and it shows you how far a person like this will go. They'd rather sacrifice you and your relationship rather deal with it like an adult, fess up to their indiscretions, and admit guilt.

 

Don't think because your BF didn't do any of the additional things I mentioned above, that makes him a saint.

 

I hate to tell you, but all the bawling and drama grand-standing wasn't because he was sorry he had treated you so shabbily or had hurt you. The only thing he was sorry about was that he got caught.

 

I am certain if you hadn't stumbled across incontrovertible evidence of what had been going on, he would have never told you. And, I would not be one bit surprised if he has or would continue, if the opportunity arose, to hook up again with this woman.

 

Stand tall and stand your ground. You need this guy in your life like a fish needs a bicycle. Delete him and his contact info from any platforms/services you use as well as any pix, chat transcripts, etc. you may have archived.

 

When you are not reminded of his existence you'll be amazed how quickly he'll fade from your mind. Next time, if you must get into a LDR, don't wait NINE YEARS in order for two of you to meet, have a clear and mutually-agreed upon plan with a timeline to close the gap, and don't let "the haze of love" cloud your judgement.

 

All that BS about his work colleague was just that -- BS. "Night hikes?" Puhleeze. Though you probably didn't want to admit it so you let it go on for longer than you should have or were comfortable with, next time, listen to your gut, get to the bottom of it, and if you don't like the other person's response (either verbally or by their actions), boot their b^tt out of your life immediately, and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thank you so much for your answer! And no he didn't do any of the above but admitted everything right away. He didn't even try to put the blame on me or anything and frankly, he was honest and intelligent enough to do so. Since he couldn't have put the blame on me even if he wanted to.

He wouldn't have told me the entire truth that's for sure and yeah I don't doubt that he try something else too.

And the thing with his co-worker wasn't complete BS since they would always post pictures of the place where they were hiking and statuses where they were at after the hike. However, what happened after the hike or would have happened - yes you got a point there for sure.

I'm honestly not worried anymore about the woman since right now she's irrelevant. It's totally irrelevant since if not her it could be any woman in that matter, that I know and I'm very much aware of.

[Blue35]

I guess he was talking to her when he went to the bathroom. Then he probably felt guilty and brought up the thing starting from Adam and Eve. There's a chance she threatened him to tell you, so he felt forced to disclose something, coming up with it first.

But things turned out bad and he left it at that. Being down all the time afterwards was also a sign to me about feeling guilty. Like... you wouldn't expect "anything" from him... Did you have sex with him?

 

I think it was a bad idea to get together before even meeting up for the first time. I would honestly put the blame 50/50, not just on him.

 

Anyway, something feels wrong about this guy. The sudden turn about being good, reading the bible, posting it around...

Did you notice if he was taking any pills?

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure how you got to that conclusion. Is it because you are faking it with them? As if nothing had happened?

 

Also, when you say "we're in a rough patch", it sounds like you're going through a difficult time as a couple. Does this mean you're still a couple?

Apparently, neither of you broke up with the other. Are you currently feeling in a limbo or consider the fading out a break-up statement?

 

By the way, did you start talking to him when you were 13? How did you meet him online?

 

Thank you for your answer! And he did not talk to her at all during that time since he came here without his phone. He was unable to access Facebook or any of his contacts during that time since he forgot his phone in America.

He only had my laptop there which I brought to him that same night.

 

Naturally, we had sex during his time spent here but that doesn't really matter anymore since to me it's "nothing personal it's just business" (The Godfather).

And no he's on no medication and never was whatsoever. He just posted that one post before he "vanished" to give us some time apart and such...he hasn't posted anything ever since.

 

I came to that conclusion since some of them didn't even notice at first that he was gone. They were like "it seems like he deactivated Facebook" and such but didn't ask further. Then they kept asking me if I had a great time with him and that they were happy we got to spend some time together and such.

 

I didn't get to break up with him yet since I was so overwhelmed with everything and how intense it got me. So I felt I needed some time to collect my thoughts after the fights we had through text and Skype.

In the end I said I shouldn't be holding onto something that hurts me and that I needed some space to digest everything properly. I didn't want to rush with any decision right away. He said he'll deactivate his Facebook and that he couldn't handle this either. I told him several times that we're done and how I felt, he on the other hand proceeded to apologize and said he doesn't want to let it go and will do what it takes to be better and such. That he has to devour books and expand his horizons, that he was so sorry, guilty and heartbroken but he's the only one to blame and nobody else etc. etc.

 

So we agreed on taking a break and to think things through and then talk about everything and most importantly - the FINAL decision.

 

At first I didn't know what to do - should I dump him or not and such.

Now - a week later my thoughts are much more clear and I consider it shameless and unforgiveable what he did to me. I talked to another close friend of mine about it and she agreed that he screwed up really really bad and without taking from my pain, we all make stupid mistakes in life. If I do give him a second chance I should do it at my own pace and he's in no position to say something about how I wish to handle the situation and that he's either on board or on board. And in the end it's my call what I will do - no right or wrong. If that's the way I want to handle it then I should honor that. She also added that people who care about me might have the natural reaction "well f*** him!" and things like that but yeah.

 

For now I'm thinking about giving him a second chance as a "friend" just to see what he can/will do. Out of curiosity. There's no way in hell that we're getting back together in that matter and it wouldn't make sense at all. Things are screwed up and nothing will be the same anymore and he sure will encounter a totally different person when he comes back.

And honestly, I don't care anymore if he's going to continue doing his thing or not, if he'll be involved with someone else or not. He picked his poison a long time ago so I'll let him enjoy it if any of this makes sense to you.

 

We started talking when I was 15, him 21. We met through the Elvis Presley Community on MySpace since we both love Elvis.

We started messaging there and became friends. We didn't talk about meeting back then at all, just talking about our interests, Elvis Weeks in Memphis and such. We would talk on Yahoo! Messenger on his days off and yeah that's how it all started. Then we didn't communicate for several years since I moved away and had to deal with school and later college while he got married. When I saw him one night online, I messaged him asking how he was doing and he told me that his marriage was over and that it wasn't as happy as it seemed to be. Ever since he went through his divorce we started talking again regularly.