LDR Boyfriend says "I may not be the one"

[Samam]

We've been dating for a year and a half & we've been in a LDR for about 3 months now.?

I asked him why he said this & he stated because he's looking for someone who is healthy and works out. Before we started dating I was always healthy, but I was constantly being dined by him and we didn't have a lot of time together so we both stopped working out. I gained about 15lbs He always said that he didn't care but all of a sudden he does & if I don't change soon then he will leave?

 

I knew that I could not focus on college and work to support myself so I joined the military. I had a hard time with college at first, but I am now getting all As now that I have adjusted. Although I am following my plans, he constantly tells me to get a job and said that I was ambitious when he first met me but now I've gotten lazy. He also put down my new accomplishments by saying that they weren't **** bc he knows people taking more credit hours Then covering up by saying "I'm just saying that I know you can do better." (It was the summer semester which means less classes offered, but fast pace)

 

I know that I have stopped working out as much as I used to & I am working on being healthier but I am put off my someone saying that if I'm not a certain way then they don't want me. I'm not looking for a pity party here, I would just like to know other perpectives on this matter. On one hand I can that he wants me to be healthier but on the other hand I don't see how he can say that he doesn't know if I'm the one randomly when he was just saying that he wanted to marry me and what not

[RecentChange]

Why would you dedicate yourself to someone who belittles you?

 

Maybe I have a huge ego, maybe I think too highly of myself, but I can tell you no one has ever called me lazy to my face. Why? Because I wouldn't tolerate such rude / inconsiderate treatment. Let alone from someone I have sex with.

 

My opinion? Work on your self esteem so that you don't accept people talking to you this way.

 

And I think he is a jerk who knows he can belittle and manipulate you.

[lazcas]

Someone who loves you will never talk to you like this. He is saying that he was a different woman and isn't accepting you for who are and is trying to make you think that you are bad. Truth is that the only bad thing you are doing is allowing someone who treats you poorly. Do you consider a guy like that would be a good husband?

[basil67]

Easy solution. Break up with him. The perfect breakup line for this situation is "You need someone who can meet your expectations. I am not that person"

 

Get rid of him and go enjoy your life.

[Samam]

Thanks for responding. I will admit that I've been down a bit and not my usual self. I think you hit everything right. I guess it's just hard because we have no other problems other than this & he seems like everything I would want in a man except this. He helps me out in anyway he can, and was always been there for me when no one else was. I'm just used to him and don't want to believe that it is over: thanks so much!

[Samam]

Thank you! It's just so weird to me because he constantly says how he isn't looking for anyone and loves me. He says that he just wants me to be the best version of myself. Bleh

[basil67]

Thank you! It's just so weird to me because he constantly says how he isn't looking for anyone and loves me. He says that he just wants me to be the best version of myself. Bleh

 

Bleh indeed. He's your boyfriend - not your father or mentor.

[Samam]

Bleh indeed. He's your boyfriend - not your father or mentor.

 

Very true! Damn, thanks Basil67

[Gr8fuln2020]

A few observations:

 

1. It sounds to me that he is trying to end things or moving in that direction. He may not have cared about your physique at an earlier time, but he now does. He was probably trying to repress that and/or he is using it as an excuse to end it.

2. Yes, it seems he's sending some mixed messages, but his overall tone is one of dissatisfaction, that's clear.

3. Why did YOU stop working out? Just b/c you couldn't work out WITH HIM? You shouldn't have to rely on someone else to motivate yourself to remain healthier FOR YOURSELF.

4. He is being a turd. If this is a sudden change then I suspect his dissatisfaction with the relationship is fueling his lack of respect towards you.

5. So, you are working, right? As a soldier?

6. Do you think another woman has gained his attention?

[Samam]

A few observations:

 

1. It sounds to me that he is trying to end things or moving in that direction. He may not have cared about your physique at an earlier time, but he now does. He was probably trying to repress that and/or he is using it as an excuse to end it.

2. Yes, it seems he's sending some mixed messages, but his overall tone is one of dissatisfaction, that's clear.

3. Why did YOU stop working out? Just b/c you couldn't work out WITH HIM? You shouldn't have to rely on someone else to motivate yourself to remain healthier FOR YOURSELF.

4. He is being a turd. If this is a sudden change then I suspect his dissatisfaction with the relationship is fueling his lack of respect towards you.

5. So, you are working, right? As a soldier?

6. Do you think another woman has gained his attention?

 

That's what it sounds like to me too. Thanks for your perspective.

 

• I never really worked out with him, but we both stopped because he was moving soon, so we tried to spend as much time with eachother as possible which was little because I'm a full time student, & he worked full time & also lived an hour away.

 

• I'm in the reserves, so I work 1 weekend a month & 2 weeks in the summer. I get money from the military for college so my focus can be on school & working another job would just be for extra money or time consumption if needed.

 

• I don't really know if someone has gained his attention. I just visited him for a week & no one was contacting him instead of his friends and family. There's nothing on social media that says he's doing anything. But I feel like he wants to explore other options although he always denies it.... By that conversation & using terms as "looking for someone who is" & "I don't know if you're the one"

[Arieswoman]

Saman,

So your b/f wants to leave you if you don't loose 15lbs?!

 

I gained about 15lbs He always said that he didn't care but all of a sudden he does & if I don't change soon then he will leave?

 

My suggestion is that you loose about 150 pounds - in the form of your nasty, rude, controlling b/f.

 

You don't need people like this is your life.

 

Good luck x

[Samam]

Saman,

So your b/f wants to leave you if you don't loose 15lbs?!

 

 

 

My suggestion is that you loose about 150 pounds - in the form of your nasty, rude, controlling b/f.

 

You don't need people like this is your life.

 

Good luck x

 

Yes, sounds crazy right? & he tries to cover it up by saying he just wants me to be healthy. I'm about to do just that when he gets off work. Thanks for the confirmation ☺️

[anduina]

LDR Boyfriend says "I may not be the one"

I asked him why he said this & he stated because he's looking for someone who is healthy and works out. Before we started dating I was always healthy, but I was constantly being dined by him and we didn't have a lot of time together so we both stopped working out. I gained about 15lbs He always said that he didn't care but all of a sudden he does & if I don't change soon then he will leave?

#1 and flip flop.

 

Although I am following my plans, he constantly tells me to get a job and said that I was ambitious when he first met me but now I've gotten lazy.

#2

 

He also put down my new accomplishments by saying that they weren't **** bc he knows people taking more credit hours Then covering up by saying "I'm just saying that I know you can do better." (It was the summer semester which means less classes offered, but fast pace)

#3

 

On one hand I can that he wants me to be healthier but on the other hand I don't see how he can say that he doesn't know if I'm the one randomly when he was just saying that he wanted to marry me and what not

Flip flop.

 

When I isolate five issues in this way, does it make you wonder what you see in him? Shouldn't relationships be about love, support and acceptance, rather than one person jumping through hoops to please a highly critical and controlling other?

[VeveCakes]

Your bf is a jerk. He talks down to you, belittles you and is not supportive. What is the attraction? Do not accept this behaviour.

[Miss Peach]

Thank you! It's just so weird to me because he constantly says how he isn't looking for anyone and loves me. He says that he just wants me to be the best version of myself. Bleh

 

When I was very young I had a BF who sounds a lot like this guy. He didn't do it for awhile into the relationship. I wonder if he just wasn't sure or didn't want to break up with me so he started doing stuff like this to get me to do it, I don't know.

 

I tried jumping through hoops at the time hoping to be upgraded but it never worked. I really wish I had just dumped him and tried for a better guy. I know dating can be hard but when I left I had so many better options I couldn't figure out why I stayed.

[Samam]

Thanks for everyone's input. I just broke up with him, he cried, now he says that he has nothing to say since I quit. I'm extremely sad & can't imagine him with someone else even though we have our problems. It's so hard to let go. Btw this is both of our first relationship and serious breakup.

[Arieswoman]

Saman #16,

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but well done for removing yourself from this unhealthy relationship that was just dragging you down.

 

IMO you now need to take time out to grieve and then to build yourself up with maybe some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem.

 

Don't think of this all as a waste of time. You've learned some valuable lessons that you can use in the future.

 

And BTW - it isn't "quitting" to walk away from something that isn't good for you. It speaks volumes that he can't let you go without another put-down

 

Good Luck.

 

BTW there is a thread in progress about "mourning toxic relationships" - might be interesting for you?

[Samam]

Saman #16,

I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but well done for removing yourself from this unhealthy relationship that was just dragging you down.

 

IMO you now need to take time out to grieve and then to build yourself up with maybe some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem.

 

Don't think of this all as a waste of time. You've learned some valuable lessons that you can use in the future.

 

And BTW - it isn't "quitting" to walk away from something that isn't good for you. It speaks volumes that he can't let you go without another put-down

 

Good Luck.

 

BTW there is a thread in progress about "mourning toxic relationships" - might be interesting for you?

 

 

Thank you so much! That is true & I will look into that! You have been so incredibly helpful through this whole process

[Samam]

#1 and flip flop.

 

#2

 

#3

 

Flip flop.

 

When I isolate five issues in this way, does it make you wonder what you see in him? Shouldn't relationships be about love, support and acceptance, rather than one person jumping through hoops to please a highly critical and controlling other?

 

Yes, this is extremely helpful! Thanks so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is a tool who was looking for a way out of the relationship.

 

Now he's upset because it hurt his ego to be broken up with, not because he was so emotionally invested in you. He obviously wasn't.

 

Good riddance to him!

[Miss Peach]

I agree with the other posters. I know it's going to be hard for the short term but it's so much better to be who you are and not spend life with someone who drags you down.

 

As for self esteem, that lesson took me a long time to learn but I found Natalie Lue's writings very helpful. She has a blog called Baggage Reclaim that you might find helpful. For me, that was the first time someone wrote about things like self esteem, boundaries, healthy relationships, etc. in a way that made sense to me.

 

I also really like Nina Atwood's book called Temptations of a Single Girl. She talks about red flags in the context of a corny story of a single woman looking for a good husband but it was really helpful for me to read the contrast between healthy and unhealthy relationships in story format.

[lazcas]

It feels horrible right now for you, but I assure you that by closing the door to a toxic relationship you are opening the door for better things to come your way Samam. Never accept poorly treatment for anyone, if someone cannot treat you right, they don't deserve to be in your life.

[Samam]

I agree with the other posters. I know it's going to be hard for the short term but it's so much better to be who you are and not spend life with someone who drags you down.

 

As for self esteem, that lesson took me a long time to learn but I found Natalie Lue's writings very helpful. She has a blog called Baggage Reclaim that you might find helpful. For me, that was the first time someone wrote about things like self esteem, boundaries, healthy relationships, etc. in a way that made sense to me.

 

I also really like Nina Atwood's book called Temptations of a Single Girl. She talks about red flags in the context of a corny story of a single woman looking for a good husband but it was really helpful for me to read the contrast between healthy and unhealthy relationships in story format.

 

Thank you so much! I will look into those

[Samam]

It feels horrible right now for you, but I assure you that by closing the door to a toxic relationship you are opening the door for better things to come your way Samam. Never accept poorly treatment for anyone, if someone cannot treat you right, they don't deserve to be in your life.

 

Thank you so much! Those words are really helpful.

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry about your break up, but I don't see why this guy is being made out to be a villain in a bad movie.

 

Everyone's acting like he just sat around and sandbagged you with all this stuff he had issue with. I don't think so.

 

It takes a 1 1/2 to 2 years to get to know someone. Did anyone consider that he didn't mention these issues earlier because he wanted to see if it was a temporary thing and was giving you time to get adjusted?

 

-The Weight. Ok, 15 lbs isn't a lot. But again, we're talking about him observing your eating and working out habits for over a year. He probably believed that you were getting lazy and comfortable. I'm assuming you both are in your 20's and seen a lot of women who ride on their good metabolism in the 20's, don't eat right and work out, and the weight sneaks up on them and they don't do nothing about it. So 15 turns into 25, then 50, then etc. Then, they wanna lecture their husbands how having kids and age is why they look like Java the Hut - when it's just the lazy habits they have.

 

-The Job. Again, he's been watching you for a year and a half. Some people are perpetual students. Some military people (I served in active duty for a minute) also get comfortable and just spend their time applying for whatever benefit the military can give them (disability, money for this/that, etc.) and never get anywhere.

 

-Going to school. If I'm correct he said you were getting extra credits? Were these credits necessary towards your degree or cuz you'd get military money. Again, when I got out of the military I already was close to getting my Masters and went back to school like three years after I got out to get another degree for my job, and yep, I loved getting that money too. That extra $1K a month helped out when I was having trouble getting my career back on track.

 

-LDR. It's hard to get to know someone for sure when you're LDR. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions, maybe he's wrong? I mean, the guy doesn't sound like a villain to me. He sounds like he made conclusions after a time period enough to get to know you.

 

So, you're broken up now and I'm sorry, but when a break up happens with me, I try to look and see what I may have done wrong too. It takes two.