A frustrated mind: to end LDR or not

[jolin]

I met guy in Canada two months ago. Both of us were single and available. We were business partners from two distanced countries of 12 hours flight. We become bf/gf after a two-week business project. Moved to his home and stayed for a month. Left last week and now in LDR with him.

 

We did not know each other before, and our relationship went fast. We lived together like couple. He was caring and thoughtful but busy with his business. Some days he left home without a notice but came back after hours. He said he had meetings. I trust him. This was his style. He seldom told me what he was going to do in the next day. I knew I was not his first priority. We had initmate time by living together. We shared similar living style and viewed each other as the one we looked for. He talked about our future plan and wanted me to come back. I promised him to take a month off from work in December to stay with him. Things came all of a sudden, I did not have clear projection of future. I was shy and passive to respond to his future plan, I knew his ideas were not realistic so I just listened.

 

I left a week ago and back to the country that I came from. He promised to keep contact with me by all means. One week has gone, he never called but kept sending two SMS everyday - a good morning and a goodnight. Nothing else. I understand that men are not good at dealing with texting, or they don't want to text too much. Yet I can't feel any love from him. His text messages were short and cold to me that he does not pay actual attention on me. I feel heartbroken and think he should be mature enough (both of us over 35 yrs old) to keep a relationship fresh if he tries. No interaction between us is now making me upset. I want to put an end to our LDR but I have promised to visit him later. Should I wait or stay? LDR is really tough, I am struggling because I don't know if I am overthinking, too weak in overcoming emotion hurdles, or making a right decision to let go. Please help.

Edited August 24, 2016 by jolin

[justwhoiam]

Hi jolinn,

 

Welcome to the LoveShack LDR forum.

 

I understand what you're going through. Most LDRs will take you on a loop rollercoaster and you sometimes feel like getting off of it, but it doesn't stop and you don't want to get off while moving, in fear you'll get hurt.

 

I have no idea if he loves you, if he is in love with you. By your own words, I sense something's weird about it. Leaving the house without even telling you? Go MIA for hours without you knowing where he was? I would never deal with something like that. Trust is indispensable. Also, not to be paranoid, but he could be a serial killer. Some "famous" ones were regularly married and with kids, still they'd do all their deeds unnoticed, undisturbed & undeterred. Who made that possible? Wives who were "blind" to any clue.

 

So if I were you, I wouldn't accept this kind of pattern/behavior, especially so early on in the relationship. It will only get worse.

 

Regarding texting, I'm not sure either. He should be eager to hear from you and missing you, if he's so much into you. But again, from your words, I don't get this much excitement from him. Nevertheless, I don't feel like judging a person by the way he keeps in touch. Maybe it's just his way to deal with the whole situation. Men want to look cool, not like a wimp, and most of them might find it easier to share their bed than their inner thoughts with a woman. It takes time. Do you have time? Are you ready to be patient? Wait? Be understanding? Go through a lot of s-it before you're both on the same wavelength? And deal with the fact that you might not reach that balance anyway?

 

I know that to go through all of that you must be really in love with the other person first and foremost. Because it takes a lot of patience.

And being aware that men have their own nature and "changing" them seldom works.

[salparadise]

I don't think you're under any ethical obligation to continue if you're not feeling it. The only thing I'd say is, if you call it off don't be indecisive or wishy washy. Make a firm decision and stick with it. If in doubt you can postpone making a decision and you'll have that option still available.

 

As far as texting goes... I don't know. You've created an IFTTT scenario that you apparently believe in, but which may not be true for everyone. He always says good morning and goodnight by text... and you assume that the absence of continual texting throughout the day means he doesn't care. That's a huge assumption. If you're thinking of calling off the whole relationship based on that assumption then I think you should reassess.

 

What happens if you text him during the day? Do you talk by phone or Skype or anything like that? Do you think the relationship has potential independent of these communication issues? LDRs are difficult. I think both people have to be all in for it to work. Otherwise you're spending a lot of time and money, and obviating the possibility of a better relationship with someone who you can actually see every day or twice a week or whatever.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, the truth is that you hardly know him. Two months is just scratching the surface of who a person truly is, even though you lived together for one month. It is simply not possible to know a person in great depth after such a short period of time - perhaps what you are seeing is who he is in a relationship.

 

Having said that, have you been able to verify much about him? In other words, do you know with certainty that he isn't seeing anyone else in his home country? Whatever the case, he doesn't seem very enthusiastic. Whose idea was it to make this official after just two weeks?

[jolin]

Thank you:)

[emi]

May i ask what is his job?

Maybe its too stressful so he doesnt have much energy left to deal with all the LDR's things.

But you are right, man are bad with textings and all these thing in general, when they feel uncomfortable about something they tend to avoid it. Woman on the other hands cant stop their mind on whatever bugging them