Boyfriend going on workaway - roomshare with other girls

[kikik]

In two weeks, my boyfriend will be going back to his country of origin, as his visa is up. He has been applying for a permanent one, but the process is taking longer than expected. Really sucky for us, but will have to deal with at least 6 weeks of separation, maybe longer (hopefully less).

 

As he does not want to stay with family when he is back (there are frictions), he decided to do a local workaway at a hostel close to his home town - free rent for little work in return, enough time for his own projects, plus he can be social. First I thought the idea is great, but after thinking about it, I realized I got a bit jealous. He will be sleeping in a group room with two bunk beds, with male AND female hostel workers. I am not happy about this at all and quite jealous. I don't know why, it's almost irrational. But I feel uneasy about the idea - especially because I know he'd freak out if tables were turned.

 

We were long distance before for 3 months, and it worked fine, but he was staying with family and I didn't feel like there was an environment that would lead him to meet many women. We both were a bit jealous the last time around, but we were only dating for 2 months then. This time he says he is much more secure in going LD, as we have established quite a strong bond over the past 8 months.

 

However, I really wish he would not do this workaway and find another way to pass the time - I just don't like the idea of shared bedrooms. I expressed this to him. He said I am being irrational. Am I asking for too much?

[JewelD]

It's a little odd, but what are his other options? If he wants to cheat on you, I don't think it will matter whether he's in the hostel or not.

[Els]

Well, to be fair... I'm not sure what country he's from, but in many countries mixed-sex dorm rooms aren't odd at all. In fact they are the norm - if you are a male and you need to stay in a dorm, you don't have much choice besides mixed-sex. There are often female-only dorms, but very few male-only dorms.

 

That being said, you're entitled to your preferences - I admit that I'm not particularly fond of the idea of mixed-sex sleeping areas either, even though they are perfectly normal where I live.

 

If he doesn't do this workaway, where else can he stay? Does he have other options, or are the options just this and his parents? How long on average does the application for a permanent residency visa take?

[kikik]

 

If he doesn't do this workaway, where else can he stay? Does he have other options, or are the options just this and his parents? How long on average does the application for a permanent residency visa take?

 

 

He actually told me he really wants to do this workaway and that I can't change his mind. I am not one to limit my boyfriend's experiences with my jealousy, so there is nothing I can do, I guess.

I think his visa will get through within 6 weeks maximum, maybe earlier.

We already started the application process but it's not finalized and the evaluation will take at least 6 weeks from the day on that we finalize the application process (which will be in about 1,5 weeks). And he leaves on September 10, so that is very soon.

 

Urgh. Yes the options are just this and his parents. He doesn't have family in the area that would be able to host him for this long. He doesn't get along with his dad and he doesn't want to stay with his mom because she has a lot on her plate.

[Els]

He actually told me he really wants to do this workaway and that I can't change his mind.

 

This would concern me, especially if he said this before you'd even said anything about you not wanting him to stay there. While I don't think living in a hostel would increase anyone's chances of cheating (I mean, firstly cheaters are defined by personality and not opportunity, and secondly are you really going to have sex with a dorm-mate with 4 other people there?), I'm really not a fan of this sort of my-way-or-the-highway attitude. He should have been open to discussing it with you.

 

I think his visa will get through within 6 weeks maximum, maybe earlier.

We already started the application process but it's not finalized and the evaluation will take at least 6 weeks from the day on that we finalize the application process (which will be in about 1,5 weeks). And he leaves on September 10, so that is very soon.

 

Urgh. Yes the options are just this and his parents. He doesn't have family in the area that would be able to host him for this long. He doesn't get along with his dad and he doesn't want to stay with his mom because she has a lot on her plate.

 

If it weren't for that comment above, I would strongly encourage you to just let it be. But now I'm not so sure.

[lazcas]

Truth is that if he wants to cheat on you he will, no matter if there are women sleeping in the same room with him or not.

[justwhoiam]

I really wish he would not do this workaway and find another way to pass the time - I just don't like the idea of shared bedrooms. I expressed this to him. He said I am being irrational. Am I asking for too much?

He knew exactly when his visa was going to expire. He found this hostel with mixed room. Did he apply for other hostels? Did he apply to get other jobs or workaway solutions? I think *this* kind of experience (including a shared bedroom) is what he wants, it's part of the package, thus not looking further or for anything else. Had he found some other place being more profitable, he would have probably picked the same place.

 

I don't think you're asking for too much. There's nothing you can do though. Other than letting him go or just letting him do whatever he feels like.

[kikik]

He knew exactly when his visa was going to expire. He found this hostel with mixed room. Did he apply for other hostels? Did he apply to get other jobs or workaway solutions? I think *this* kind of experience (including a shared bedroom) is what he wants, it's part of the package, thus not looking further or for anything else. Had he found some other place being more profitable, he would have probably picked the same place.

 

I don't think you're asking for too much. There's nothing you can do though. Other than letting him go or just letting him do whatever he feels like.

 

Yes, he knew his tourist visa was up. But we also had initially planned to start the application process sooner, but due to several issues it was not possible (too much to explain). Anyway, I think he really did not think he had to go back, or at least not for as long as it now looks that he has to go back. If it was only a week or two, he'd stay with each parent for one week, or so, but since it will take at least 4-10 weeks, he had to look for something else. He thought a work away was a good opportunity because it was something he had done before and easy to arrange. He checked for something in the city that is between his parents' houses (about 1,5 hours distance). There were only 5 workaways in the city and this really is the 'coolest' one, everything else is a bit off. I don't know, I guess he is just trying to be practical. Plus, he loves being social. He could have worked on a farm but I guess he didn't want to be in solitude. I don't think he is looking to have a shared bedroom, I think he just doesn't give a damn, like, he's not someone who is looking for luxury accommodation, knowing it is just temporary.

Well, that's my logic, I guess. I hope I am right.

Maybe I am just too jealous of a person, and this is more normal than I think?!

[lolablue17]

Maybe I am just too jealous of a person, and this is more normal than I think?!

 

This is not the issue. His comment that "he already decided and you can't change his mind" bothers me much more. This is no way to resolve conflicts in a relationship. It's better to be open and share the all thoughts and solution options with your partner.

 

It's a conflict not about jealousy, but about control. He signals you that is not and will not let you controlling him. But at the same time he wants to control you, because you say he would be freaked out is the roles were reverse. It's a huge problem.

 

I hate inequality. Why don't you arrange a long trip with some of your male friends sleeping in the same room? See how he reacts.

[kikik]

This is not the issue. His comment that "he already decided and you can't change his mind" bothers me much more. This is no way to resolve conflicts in a relationship. It's better to be open and share the all thoughts and solution options with your partner.

 

It's a conflict not about jealousy, but about control. He signals you that is not and will not let you controlling him. But at the same time he wants to control you, because you say he would be freaked out is the roles were reverse. It's a huge problem.

 

I hate inequality. Why don't you arrange a long trip with some of your male friends sleeping in the same room? See how he reacts.

 

Well, I told him how it makes me feel and he thinks that I AM the controlling one for telling him that I feel uneasy about his decision. I hate how he can't see where I am coming from AT ALL.

[ASG]

Well, I told him how it makes me feel and he thinks that I AM the controlling one for telling him that I feel uneasy about his decision. I hate how he can't see where I am coming from AT ALL.

 

Maybe he *does* see where you're coming from, but has no other viable solution to the problem, thus making it solved.

 

You've said it yourself that he can't stay with his parents for that long and there aren't other good options of workaways. What is he supposed to do? Go to a dodgy hostel just to make you feel better? What about him, who will have to BE there for however long?

 

People are putting a lot of emphasis on his "I've decided and I won't change my mind", but it might really be as simple as "there are no other good options, so I'm doing this".

[Els]

Yes, he knew his tourist visa was up. But we also had initially planned to start the application process sooner, but due to several issues it was not possible (too much to explain). Anyway, I think he really did not think he had to go back, or at least not for as long as it now looks that he has to go back. If it was only a week or two, he'd stay with each parent for one week, or so, but since it will take at least 4-10 weeks, he had to look for something else. He thought a work away was a good opportunity because it was something he had done before and easy to arrange. He checked for something in the city that is between his parents' houses (about 1,5 hours distance). There were only 5 workaways in the city and this really is the 'coolest' one, everything else is a bit off. I don't know, I guess he is just trying to be practical. Plus, he loves being social. He could have worked on a farm but I guess he didn't want to be in solitude. I don't think he is looking to have a shared bedroom, I think he just doesn't give a damn, like, he's not someone who is looking for luxury accommodation, knowing it is just temporary.

Well, that's my logic, I guess. I hope I am right.

Maybe I am just too jealous of a person, and this is more normal than I think?!

 

I think we're at a point where we can't advise you any further without knowing what country you and your bf are from. It makes a big difference. Where I live, it's very normal for people to sleep in mixed dorms even if they are in relationships. But, his inability to discuss the issue with you does sound problematic to me.

 

I hate inequality. Why don't you arrange a long trip with some of your male friends sleeping in the same room? See how he reacts.

 

Does the OP's bf have an issue with her sleeping in mixed dorms? I agree that it's fair for her to have the same privilege. Sharing a room with a friend is a bit different though. Have you ever been in a hostel dorm before? It's almost like sleeping in a hut if you're on a multi-day hike. There is no privacy whatsoever. Everyone is coming in and out at all hours. It's not like having a cosy room with just you and another guy/girl.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Elswyth

[kikik]

I think we're at a point where we can't advise you any further without knowing what country you and your bf are from. It makes a big difference. Where I live, it's very normal for people to sleep in mixed dorms even if they are in relationships. But, his inability to discuss the issue with you does sound problematic to me.

 

I am in NL, he is going back to the USA for 1-2 months.

Usually we talk about things and decisions together, so I was surprised he made up his mind so quickly without asking my opinion or without discussing with me the best options.

 

Does the OP's bf have an issue with her sleeping in mixed dorms? I agree that it's fair for her to have the same privilege. Sharing a room with a friend is a bit different though. Have you ever been in a hostel dorm before? It's almost like sleeping in a hut if you're on a multi-day hike. There is no privacy whatsoever. Everyone is coming in and out at all hours. It's not like having a cosy room with just you and another guy/girl.

 

He would not be happy about it, for sure.

[kikik]

Maybe he *does* see where you're coming from, but has no other viable solution to the problem, thus making it solved.

 

You've said it yourself that he can't stay with his parents for that long and there aren't other good options of workaways. What is he supposed to do? Go to a dodgy hostel just to make you feel better? What about him, who will have to BE there for however long?

 

People are putting a lot of emphasis on his "I've decided and I won't change my mind", but it might really be as simple as "there are no other good options, so I'm doing this".

 

Well, I think this is a very practical look at the situation, and perhaps that is exactly what he is thinking too.

I just don't like how he made up his mind and booked the workaway before even talking to me. I am sure there are other options too.

I really hate this one though, it makes me feel uneasy.

[Els]

I am in NL, he is going back to the USA for 1-2 months.

 

Ah, okay. I can't comment on the US - hopefully other posters who are more familiar with hostels in the US can chime in. I am surprised that you are so strongly against mixed dorms when you live in NL though, isn't it very common there?

 

Usually we talk about things and decisions together, so I was surprised he made up his mind so quickly without asking my opinion or without discussing with me the best options.

 

I agree, this part is the worrisome bit. Have you expressed your feelings about him making a decision without involving you in it?

 

He would not be happy about it, for sure.

 

Not be happy with you sleeping in a male friend's room, or not be happy with you sleeping in a mixed dorm? If the former, that's somewhat different. If the latter, that makes him a hypocrite and worsens the issue.

[kikik]

Ah, okay. I can't comment on the US - hopefully other posters who are more familiar with hostels in the US can chime in. I am surprised that you are so strongly against mixed dorms when you live in NL though, isn't it very common there?

 

 

 

I agree, this part is the worrisome bit. Have you expressed your feelings about him making a decision without involving you in it?

 

 

 

Not be happy with you sleeping in a male friend's room, or not be happy with you sleeping in a mixed dorm? If the former, that's somewhat different. If the latter, that makes him a hypocrite and worsens the issue.

 

I am by far no prude - I have nothing against mixed dorms. But I am jealous and don't feel comfortable with him being in a mixed dorm for many weeks without me ever being there.

I guess I just have had many bad experiences in the past with guys cheating on me when abroad.

[Els]

I am by far no prude - I have nothing against mixed dorms. But I am jealous and don't feel comfortable with him being in a mixed dorm for many weeks without me ever being there.

I guess I just have had many bad experiences in the past with guys cheating on me when abroad.

 

If someone was going to cheat, frankly, having his own room would be FAR more conducive to having sex than living in a mixed dorm.

 

I really think you should focus more on why he isn't interested in discussing the issue with you or reassuring you, because IMO that is the real issue here.