I'm stuck in my long distance relationship

[Shayla21]

I'm 21 and I've been dating my 32 year old bf for 9 months now. He is the first guy ive ever loved. I don't know where to start but ill make this paragraph briefly as possible. I thought he had goals in his life as him purchasing clothes to sell and doing tattoo that he suddenly stopped fulfilling.I met my bf online and we both share something in common that some people wouldn't understand. Early in the relationship, we both said we loved each other and I hoped on a healthy long term relationship. Before meeting him, he lost his job and he was collecting unemployment checks. Since we are 2 hours away, i would take a train to spend time with him as he didn't have a car until 3 months later. We both met each other's family and his family enjoys my company. Before his unemployment stopped, I told him he should start seeking a job because he didnt want one while collecting unemployment, and he didnt bother to take action. In result, he spent all his money without saving.I love motivational speakers and i shared some videos with him twice and he said he didn't care about them because they're not going through his rough times(financially unstable). Also stated to me that he doesn't have to like the things i like. I told him i felt disrespect and he act as if it wasn't a big deal but he apologize only because i kept talking about it. I feel emotionally manipulated because he denies his wrong doings, falsely accuse me of saying something i didn't say, and blameshifts me. Honestly, i have had trust issues towards him and admitted to snooping through his phone twice and i apologize for what ive done. Couple months ago, i told him that his behavior had me depressed and he didn't care. Now, he is depressed because he hasn't obtained a job, behind on rent, and he feels like a failure. I spent 3 hrs trying to uplift and encourage him but he still feels down. And i mention that the guys he hangs around isn't motivating him in any kind of way because all they do is smoke marijuana. I recently asked him if the relationship was to much to handle and he said sometimes but he can still balance his life and the relationship. I tried to leave this relationship but its hard because his cousins see me as family and wants me to move down there. And i feel like ill regret my decision. I can't talk to him now because his phone is cut off yet he had money to pay the bill but didn't want to. Any advice?? I know someone will mention our age differences.. I'm open to your opinion.

Edited August 21, 2016 by Shayla21

[TMichaels]

Your age difference is the least of your problems.

 

 

 

The fact that this guy * is* 32 years old and:

• Has no goals
  
• Has no job
  
• Couldn't be arsed to look for a job while on unemployment as he'd rather sit home, hang out with his budies, get high, and get paid to do so
  
• Has made no effort since to better his circumstances
  
• Instead of owning up to his problems and taking responsibility for them he twists what you say and tries to make you feel guilty
  
• Doesn't share or value the same things in life that you do
  
• Isn't there for you when you are having a rough time
  
• Has cut off one of your main communication channels (phone) not because he doesn't have the money to pay the bill, but because supposedly because he doesn't want to
  

Seriously? Who gives a rat's @ss if his cousins consider you family? Why would you ever consider moving to where he lives? If you do, *that* will be the biggest regret of your life.

You're 21. You don't need a boyfriend that's a DIY/fix-it project. Yeah, I get it. He's your first serious love affair, but he's a total loser and you are not his mother.

 

At his age he should have his act and life together. He doesn't. That's not going to change and no amount of hand-holding, cajoling, wishful thinking, encouragement, positive pep talks, etc. you do. HE needs to take responsibility for his life, and you need to get on with yours.

 

You can't talk to him anyway since he no longer has a phone. Use the opportunity to end all contact. Block him on social media or any other ways you may have communicated and hang out with your own friends. Quit hooking up with online guys and find one to date locally which will also make it less likely you'll have trust issues. And at all costs, do not get re-involved with this lame excuse.

 

Good luck,

TMichaels

[Shayla21]

Thank you is definitely agree with your advice. I even told him a month ago to grow up. Sadly, even his mom told him to get his life together. His phone is back on but i have not called him yet to end relations. Two months ago, i asked to take a break and he thought i was talking to someone else but at that time it was for me to get rid of my insecurities.

[coolheadal]

Move on and treat this as a learning experience. Someone like this is not going to change and you can't make him change his way of thinking. You need a confident intelligent guy not this guy is going nowhere and his future doesn't look promising.

[Gr8fuln2020]

@Shayla21. What you are seeing from this 32-yr old child is what you will get for a long term relationship. BAD NEWS. Aside from his own behavior, he has questionable friends and likely some family members (cousins) who are aware of his lack of ambition, weed use...Don't put yourself through this.

[Lois_Griffin]

There's nothing a girl finds more attractive than a supposed grown man who wants to sit around all day collecting unemployment without a care in the world and spending all his time with a bunch of pot smokers rather than beating the pavement to find a job.

 

What an aphrodisiac THAT is.

 

You're 21 years old. He's not going to be your last boyfriend, not by a long shot.

 

Just use this experience to learn what NOT to accept in a so-called man the next time around.

[Shayla21]

Thank you and i definitely see this as a learning experience. I cut my relations with him last night and he said "if that's what you want then ok." So that about ended. I can't even cry about it because he broke up with me after snooping through his phone last month, then he wanted to be friends then back into a relationship. I'm fed up and don't have any more time for this foolish.

[Redhead14]

I'm 21 and I've been dating my 32 year old bf for 9 months now. He is the first guy ive ever loved. I don't know where to start but ill make this paragraph briefly as possible. I thought he had goals in his life as him purchasing clothes to sell and doing tattoo that he suddenly stopped fulfilling.I met my bf online and we both share something in common that some people wouldn't understand. Early in the relationship, we both said we loved each other and I hoped on a healthy long term relationship. Before meeting him, he lost his job and he was collecting unemployment checks. Since we are 2 hours away, i would take a train to spend time with him as he didn't have a car until 3 months later. We both met each other's family and his family enjoys my company. Before his unemployment stopped, I told him he should start seeking a job because he didnt want one while collecting unemployment, and he didnt bother to take action. In result, he spent all his money without saving.I love motivational speakers and i shared some videos with him twice and he said he didn't care about them because they're not going through his rough times(financially unstable). Also stated to me that he doesn't have to like the things i like. I told him i felt disrespect and he act as if it wasn't a big deal but he apologize only because i kept talking about it. I feel emotionally manipulated because he denies his wrong doings, falsely accuse me of saying something i didn't say, and blameshifts me. Honestly, i have had trust issues towards him and admitted to snooping through his phone twice and i apologize for what ive done. Couple months ago, i told him that his behavior had me depressed and he didn't care. Now, he is depressed because he hasn't obtained a job, behind on rent, and he feels like a failure. I spent 3 hrs trying to uplift and encourage him but he still feels down. And i mention that the guys he hangs around isn't motivating him in any kind of way because all they do is smoke marijuana. I recently asked him if the relationship was to much to handle and he said sometimes but he can still balance his life and the relationship. I tried to leave this relationship but its hard because his cousins see me as family and wants me to move down there. And i feel like ill regret my decision. I can't talk to him now because his phone is cut off yet he had money to pay the bill but didn't want to. Any advice?? I know someone will mention our age differences.. I'm open to your opinion.

 

I tried to leave this relationship but its hard because his cousins see me as family and wants me to move down there. -- This is not about THEM. It's about you.

 

I won't mention the age difference, but I will mention the fact that this guy sounds very immature for 32 years old and doesn't have much in the way of a career or motivation.

 

Honestly, i have had trust issues towards him -- If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

 

he feels like a failure. -- Really??? What a surprise! He feels like a failure because he is a failure.

[FOF1994]

It sounds like you’re in a tricky situation where only you can decide where to go from here. A great quote I love to refer to is “By their fruits you shall know them.” Because your boyfriend is not making motions to move forward with his life, you are correct in that you need to reevaluate the relationship. You have to think critically about how this is effecting your future and your outlook on life – if he is not bettering himself, he is likely not contributing positively to your life. It is a tough call, however, when you have an emotional attachment to him. You need to make the decision to stay with him or to leave him based on your own wishes – do not incorporate outside people/family in order to make this choice. You have to do what’s best for you. Do you think you are growing as person and moving forward in your life with him by your side? It seems like you’re more certain of how things should be. You have a good head on your shoulders and you know what choice you need to make, you just need to decide for yourself. Hang in there!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but how exactly are you "stuck" in this long distance relationship?

 

He's a loser. Plain and simple. The only regrets you should have is staying with someone who doesn't have their sh*t together like you. How much more time would like to waste on someone who doesn't see life the same way as you?

 

Stop playing martyr. Not every man wants to be saved.

[Shayla21]

You are right. A couple of weeks ago, his friend told me he wanted to kill hiself. Which i knew he was depressed but not suicidal. He told me he doesn't need no therapist or counselor. So I stop talking about it. I have ask from advice from my mom and his family member about our issues. And i don't want to ask no one else. I've known this is my only decision. And since i have an emotional attachment this relationship is a challenge. I've been praying. Thank you for the advice and from others

[Arieswoman]

Shayla21,

Here's some sound advice from Natalie Lue;

 

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