7 Month LDR with major dilemma!!!

[KeysGirl925]

I am 53 and I am dating a guy who is 59. We met online and I live in Texas, he lives in Florida. We have traveled back and forth several times to see each other and things are great between us, we visit each other taking turns to each others state for a week at a time. We get along beautifully and have similar interests.

 

The problem has been his "female" friend. He has known her for 4 years, they live in same state but she is 4 hours away from him. He swears they have just been friends and a year or two ago she helped him thru a tough surgery where he was in the hospital for several weeks. She acted as his medical proxy and helped him thru his ordeal. He has no family.

 

Because it was such a traumatic surgery and recovery, and she was there for him, he feels he "owes" her. He has done so much for her helping her financially and with her home, he mother is dying, etc. They have just been friends...........until....

 

He started seeing me. Then she got crazy and jealous and told him she was in love with him, she gained access to his computer and read all of our personal emails we sent back and forth (she claimed he was cheating on her and she admitted to reading his emails). He always said "I want to be her friend, she saved my life".

 

This chick is codependent on him for money and a shoulder to cry on. He gets that but still feels "obligated" to help her with her dying mom, etc.

 

Things will be going great between us then he will call me all upset saying "**** just called". They get into a fight then he asks me to "hold on tight to me" as if he needs hand holding to get thru her latest tantrum.

 

Many times I have said I was sick of hearing about Tina and he talks too much about her so he must have feelings for her. One week I was at his house she sent a bouquet of a dozen red roses with a note "I love you". He got them and looked at me and said "If this bothers you I will throw them in the trash right now". I was like "Do whatever but if you want me to stay with you I don't want to sit and look at those in the middle of your living room".

 

After that he claims he ended their friendship. Yet a few weeks ago she and her girlfriend drove down to see him and she texted him wanting him to take them for a boat ride. I knew she was there because she documented it on Facebook. He NEVER told me about her being in town. I asked him that week (when I knew she was down there) if he had talked to her that week and he got real angry with me and said no, he didn't want to hear her name and I needed to trust him. I knew that was a big red flag he talked to her, my gut was screaming at me they were together. He claims she texted him only, he said he would not take them for a boat ride and she left town. He knew where she was staying (the hotel) and swears he didn't see her. He claims he didn't tell me because I had told him I was sick of hearing about her and he took care of it and didn't want to upset me.

 

Things were ok after that, no mention of her and I was with him all last week. Then yesterday he calls me saying "I'm having a bad day, "she" called, her mom is dying and she needs my friendship". I blew a fuse, said it was either her or me, I was sick of hearing about this woman and I could no longer be in a relationship with him as long as he swore he slammed the door shut on her and told her we were in a relationship, but obviously she can't get the message and wants him back. He claims he called her back after I got mad and ended it for good. He said she is no more, it's over. (He said this twice before).

 

I've been extremely upset and he's made no effort to call me today. Then he said he would call me later and talk, I have not heard from him. You'd think he would be worried about losing me, he is not. We have two trips planned together coming up, at this point this being a LDR and the fact this female friend won't stop trying to win him back, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm just very hurt and feel used and betrayed. Last week when we were together he was wonderful to me, said he sees us long term and he is falling in love with me. I can barely eat or drink, I don't think he wants me, and now that I've given an ultimatum, he's stalling. Any advice?

Edited August 4, 2016 by KeysGirl925

[justwhoiam]

Hi KeysGirl925,

 

Welcome to LS.

 

What you described is a delicate situation. Provided he's honest about his feelings for this woman, you should be by his side not against him.

 

First of all, it's hard to believe that this lady sat around for 4 years... knowing she has feelings for him. Admitting to anything happened with her would make most women run away, refusing to start dating him or just being in apparent conflict with her. But I'm not assuming anything, because it could well be that she really was quiet and then she started fighting for him not to lose him.

 

You would have had more success sitting down with him and talking about it all. What she's doing I guess is called emotional threat. You can't be together with someone out of pity for them, or because you feel you owe them. You also need to be in love. I'm sure he loves her already, because in his eyes, she's the person he needs to thank (probably along with docs) for still being alive.

So, as I said, it'd be better to sit down with him and talk. You should acknowledge he genuinely loves her, just to get that out of the way. You should let him understand that if she's a true friend, she wouldn't stay around for the money. A true friend is not there for the money. A true friend is happy when a friend is happy. She's possessive and ruining his relationship with a woman loving him. She's interfering with his social and sexual life, and that cannot be a good thing, any way you look at it.

He should then think about it all and see through it, and understand what a real friend is. Something done out of friendship cannot be later used as a bargaining chip. It ends up losing its meaning completely. So you need to be calm and be able to talk about it all. Acting like the offended party won't take you anywhere. You're not showing you understand his position and he just ends up hiding things. Like he did, because you sort of asked for it.

 

My advice is don't fight him to fight her. Are you both still working? Is he going to be retired soon? How do you see your future with him? It looks like he's taking it slow with you. And there would be no reason for it, especially if your life is at risk and you have no family. And no one of you is growing younger...

 

Make him feel good, because at the end of the day, that counts too. It's not just the romance. If you can give him that AND make him feel good too besides the romance (which means giving him comfort, cooking, caring for him, and being the best of friends for him). Providing all that, you might be able to fill the gap she was filling with her role.