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I've not seen any LDR that's lasted as long as ours. One thing about a relationship like this is you spend a great amount of time communicating. You can learn and understand another person in a deeper way.

 

We met playing a online game back in 2001 I was married. We became friends spending everyday together in this imaginary world. I had no intention of falling in love but it happened when I realized how much I missed him on days he gone. We really had no idea what a relationship like this ment since you didn't hear about people meeting online back then. Trying to combine our lives and make this into a normal real relationship has been difficult. He's on the east coast and I'm on the west. Traveling is expensive. I had young children at the time and was married which he has always known about. He has his business. I could write a book on everything we've been through over the last 15 yrs but going to skip up to the the last 6 months because i think it might be over.

 

Everything was normal for us till 6 months ago. I was planning a trip to come visit and we were talking about me moving there since my children are grown and my husband isn't in the picture now. He went on a little trip for several days to go snowmobiling and I was super excited to be going to see him soon. He was gone a week and when he came back he was different, avoiding me a little. When in asked him what was going on he said he didn't want me to come there and this whole relationship is a fantasy and he woke up and he would always be my friend. I was shocked and my first thought he maybe meet some one else. Which I asked him and he said no.

 

I was devastated after all the years and seeing how close we were to finally being a real couple with a normal life. We stayed friends which was heartbreaking yet he's been my best friend for so long I couldn't stop talking to him. He started spending time at the bars got a drunk driving more then once he also befriended a woman on Facebook who I figured might of been why we split. I tried to heal and after 4 months and therapy I was able to function not feeling sad all the time. We talked on the phone every morning like we always have. Then one day he was making sexual comments. I resisted him for a couple weeks, but him wanting me again was to much for me to resist. I figured whatever he had going with another person was over. He told me he would always want me more then any other woman and I fell for it hook line and sinker and for the last 6 weeks I've been so happy. I said to him if we are going to make this work we need to take it to the level where we are really together forever. I will sell my house and move there. We were both excited and planning on finding a house together. He was having some issues with the dui's and said his lawyer told him he most likely will do some jail time for them. So until he goes to court and find out how long we wait, but still it can't be that long. I wanted to time selling my house close to when he knew he would be done with jail if by chance he had to go.

 

Then last Friday he called in the morning and he talked about some stuff he wanted to work on his house the next week since he was taking a week off vacation. When he got off work he told me he was going to head up north to spend his vacation so he wouldn't talk to me for awhile. I panicked because last time he did that 6 months ago my life fell apart. I told him how I felt insecure and why. He got very mad said I was playing games with him. If I am playing some game I'm not aware, and I told him I wanted to hear him reassure me . He said no he wouldn't and to stop making it about me. I said talk to you later maybe. That's how it ended.

 

I'm now deciding if he comes home business as usual do I want to keep riding his roller coaster of his? No I don't. Can I resist him? I've not succeeded that in the past. He might very well come back and make that choice for me. I have a week to think about it and the uncertainty is making me crazy. This is my future we have a good plan I have a direction. Or maybe I have nothing.

 

To anyone beginning a LDR run as fast as you can it's full of heartache .

Edited by Tues
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ExpatInItaly

Why can't he communicate with you while he's on holidays?

 

I can understand not being in constant contact, but he's not able to touch base at all? Something is not right about that.

 

I think this is not going to work out in your favour. There have been too many red flags recently for you to go through with a move, I feel.

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RecentChange

Have you ever spent time in person together?

 

I do not know anyone with multiple DUIs that is not an alcoholic.

 

I think the sage advice here is to avoid online relationships. As for long distance, unless there is a close, and attainable game plan to be together in real life - I say not to bother.

 

(And I add that because my husband moved 500 miles away right after we started dating. We did the long distance thing, seeing each other 2-4 times a month, until we moved in together 6 months later when I graduated college)

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We have spent time together, over 15 years the amount of days we've had together is less then the days in a month.

 

I have no idea how we survived this long. He's never been much of a drinker till this last year and I feel its from the stress of this relationship. We've talked about ending it a couple of times over the last 2 years but neither of us can seem to. 6 months ago we did for 4 months, but still talked on the phone everyday. 6 weeks ago we realized we cant keep going how we are, so we got back together. We made plans to live together and be happy soon, no more waiting. Then his lawyer said he will probably do jail for the DUIs since he has 3 close together. I can't see it being long.

 

He might have something going on I don't know about because the last week hes been moody and angry not directed at me, but I do get to listen to him bitching at every little thing going on at work. Last Friday he was irritated with me because I was questioning him. This is why he said its not about me, but him refusing to reassure me and tell me he hates insecurity. He basically wants to be left alone to sulk in his misery. He always does something stupid when hes like this and part of why I haven't gone to live there. He keeps sabotaging his own life and it affects me.

 

I want to walk away and leave him, I want to not love him I don't know how. It hurts more to leave then to stay. How do I stop thinking about him?

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ExpatInItaly

I don't see how this relationship is adding anything positive to your life at this point.

 

In 15 years, you've spent less than 30 days together in person? That simply isn't enough to sustain a relationship, realistically. If after a decade and a half, you two still aren't a point where you want to make a bigger commitment to each other, you're essentially beating a dead horse. Also, if he is risking jail time because he's a frequent offender gathering multiple DUIs, it's safe to say he has an alcohol abuse problem to top it all off.

 

It will hurt for a while. But how much longer do you really want to give to someone who isn't invested in you? Because it's pretty clear he's not. You need to break your emotional attachment to him. Do you have an active social life? Friend and hobbies? Immerse yourself in those. You might just find a great local man who can offer you a heck of a lot more than this long-distance guy ever could.

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Being 5 hours away from each other or so, being in the same country and meeting up for less than a month total in 15 years is hardly justifiable.

 

I understand the situation was different earlier, but now? Now he has free time and spends it on his own. He's clearly not interested. Had he been interested, he would have come to you. Or he would have invited you to be with him.

 

Add to that: alcohol and multiple DUIs. And he might end up in jail for some time? Terrible.

 

The moral of the story is not LDRs are bad, but rather: never trust a serial gamer, and if you become addicted to gaming, chances are you end up being out of touch with real life and the rest of the world.

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We don't live 5 hours apart. We live 3270 miles apart and its a 48hr drive.

 

I think the biggest reason we haven't split up in the past is we are best friends and try to hold onto that. I have other friends close to me and I go and do plenty of things for fun, but none of those other friends are best friends. Women in my experience haven't worked as a best friend. Everyone Ive had in the past had a big mouth and spreads gossip. I just can't trust them to talk to.

 

We haven't played online games much at all in the last 5 years. What makes this so hard is this the first time we had a real plan to have a life together after all these years.

 

As for the drinking for some reason it doesn't worry me because its all so recent. He's been kinda depressed and just didn't care anymore. I think if I were there none of that would've happened.

 

Right now he just doesn't give a **** about anything even himself. I do want off his roller coaster. One minute I tell myself I'm never going to talk to him and then something happens like a death in the family and I desperately want to talk to him. I know we cannot stay friends and end this and I have no other person I can talk to like I can him. I'm feeling very sad.

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GreyKitten87

I'm sorry about the bluntness here, but sounds like you have basically just been living a fantasy relationship these past 15 years. I had a LDR relationship before (we are talking across the atlantic) and over a year we saw each other more than you have seen him in 15 years. That is not a relationship; that is an "I am too comfortable with this to acknowledge reality so I stay."

 

You said your children are grown now and you no longer have your husband, so that means you basically led two lives; your life at home with the kids and then your life with him. Very likely he has also led another life, if not several others that you don't know about. Just because he knew about your husband does not mean you knew everything that went on in his life.

 

Something is not right, and you already know this otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. However, the question becomes do you want to just stay in this because it is comfortable after all these years (even though you truly deep down know something is wrong) or are you going to be honest with yourself and realize that you deserve better and end this?

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