LDR+Age Difference

[Moondaisy]

Hello everyone,

I've been talking with a man on the Net for nearly three months.He's 13 years older than me,and I'll enter the uni this september.

We live in different countries.

A few times he said he sometimes feels like the age difference between us makes him think that I may find him old and head towards someone who is the same age as me,especially in university.

But I'm not really interested in my peers,I'm not saying that I'm too mature or something like that,but generally they're too childish for their age.I said what I think about this situation to him,and now it's like there is no problem.I really like having nice conversations with him.

Do you think the age gap is too big?

He also said that he can visit me sometimes when I start university,at least for a few days,so that we can spend time together,we could even travel together.

What do you think about this? Age difference?

Thank you in advance.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Moondaisy

[Els]

Yes, 13 years at your age is too big - you said you're entering uni so you're probably something like 18 and him 31. Most normal 31 yo's have a completely different worldview, thought processes and priorities from normal 18 yo's. I hate to say this, but EVERYONE thinks they're 'mature for their age'... until several years down the line when they realize that they weren't.

 

Don't do this. College is probably the absolute best time to meet boys and experience dating for the first time (if you haven't yet). You have the whole world ahead of you. You shouldn't be tied down to a 31 yo when you're in college.

 

If you do decide to let him visit you, do NOT travel with him for the first time, meet in a public place like you would with a date.

[TMichaels]

Let me put a different spin on it for you...

 

Would you date someone your father's age or one of your high school teachers? That's essentially what we're talking about here. I hope your answer would be no.

 

I understand you find most guys your age immature and not interested in having more "adult" conversations, but believe me, not all guys your age are "childish" and will become even less so as time goes by.

 

Once you get to Uni I think you'll be amazed at the possibilities -- lots of guys your age, serious enough about life and their future that they're pursuing further education -- AND very capable of having thought-provoking and thoughtful conversations just as rewarding, intriguing, and fascinating as the ones you've been having with this older guy.

 

Another thought to ponder... When I was at Uni, one of the girls I knew was dating a guy with a similar age difference. Though most were polite and didn't mention it, there was plenty of whispering and gossip behind her back along the lines of "What is she doing with THAT guy? He's old enough to be her father!"

 

What happened is that over time, most of the mates she had drifted away. Why? Because this guy really wasn't into pub crawls every weekend or the normal kind of high-jinks that most Uni students engage in while at school so when he visited they didn't socialize with any of her friends or roommates. Even when he wasn't there she socialized very little due to the fact she knew he didn't approve of her hanging out with peers, and even if she wanted to, her circle of friends were now few.

 

Eventually, she dropped out of school. No worries. She still had "Romeo." But in time, that relationship also crashed and burned because she matured and basically outgrew the relationship. So, where did that leave her? No college education and no "Prince Charming" but three or four years older and wiser, which didn't sit well with the BF because what attracted him in the first place (young, naïve thing that hung on his every word) had grown up and no longer existed.

 

To her credit, she eventually realized what she had given up at what cost, disengaged herself from Lover Boy, and did re-enroll and graduate from Uni.

 

She now has a successful career and has been dating a very nice guy for a while now -- someone she very likely will marry and start a family with. And, between them, they have a huge circle of friends their own age who have similar interests and goals in life. No lack of something to talk about, share experiences with, or get advice nor people who think your behavior or thoughts are "immature."

 

Bottom line?

 

As Elswyth pointed out, Uni is a time of great discovery -- not just academically, but socially as well. It would be very "childish" of YOU to limit the potential attending Uni brings by getting any more seriously involved with this guy.

 

Furthermore, I find it troubling HE doesn't have the good conscience to recognize what you'd be missing out on during your college years if you pursued/stayed in a relationship with him.

 

You say you find him attractive because he's more mature in his outlook and opinions. I'd be really curious to know what HE finds so attractive about pursuing relationships with girls 13 years his junior. Because he finds women his own age too mature so he prefers to hang out with teenagers? What's wrong with that picture?

 

Believe me, someone nearly twice your age right now is not in any, way, shape, or form at the same point in his life as you, and unless you have father-figure issues, the long-term potential of such a relationship pretty much stinks and certainly isn't worth jeopardizing your education for or your future. If you were 35 and he was 48, that's a different story. But, you're not and neither is he.

 

Don't think I'm purposefully trying to rain on your parade. I'm not, and I do believe you when you say you enjoy your conversations. However, you need to understand your past experience with guys your age is a not an accurate yardstick and this guy is not the only fish in the sea who will meet your criteria -- especially when you'll be spending your next four years at Uni where the pool of members of the opposite sex will be exponentially greater.

 

And one more thing... Don't be surprised if you do meet up with this guy that he told "a little white lie" about his REAL age. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's older than he's told you he is. And please, heed Elswyth's advice of being very cautious if you do decide to meet up with him. Even if you think you know him inside out, he still just some stranger you know from the Internet.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[VeveCakes]

Don't get tied up in a long distance internet relationship when you are going to school! You will miss out on meeting someone who you can connect with on an in person level. Something more realistic and sustainable.

 

At 18 that age difference is significant.

[Els]

Agreed completely with the others.

 

Also, I forgot to mention this, but when I was around your age, OP, I did have a crush on a guy 11 years my senior. I thought I was being real subtle about it back then, but looking back I think my interest was bloody obvious.

 

The difference is, HE was mature enough to recognize that he shouldn't take things further with me due to the age difference, and that I shouldn't be latched to him when I was just starting college. He started limiting our contact. At that time I was absolutely crushed, but now I am so very grateful that he had the decency to do that. I went into college single and had a blast dating boys my age. During my 2nd last year of college, I also met my SO, whom I still have the most amazing times and conversations with now, several years down the road.

 

If this guy doesn't have the maturity to do what my crush did, you need to put on your big girl panties and cut the cord yourself.

[Moondaisy]

Thank you all for your comments.

Now I know that this is just a crush,and obviously temporary.I'm just 18 and I'm going to change a lot,which means we won't be able to be on the same wavelength in the future.

But,yes,there are always some buts.

He does seem very decisive about coming to my country and meeting me,and keeps saying things like ''I've never fallen for anyone like that.'' Hearing these kind of words from a 31 yo is weird (assuming that most 31 yo date women as their age) and pleasing at the same time.

I'm really confused now.

What should I say to him? If I have to call it off,what is the best way to do that,as I don't want to hurt him?

Edited July 5, 2016 by Moondaisy

[TMichaels]

Tell him though you're flattered by the attention, you think the age difference is too great, as do your parents, who have forbidden you to continue to speak to him.

 

Furthermore, meeting up is also out of the question as even though you will be away from home when you attend Uni, your parents' support, trust, and your relationship with them is very important to you and you will not go against their wishes.

 

"Using the parent card" should be a wake-up call of sorts for him as it makes it clear he's playing around with the heart and mind of an 18-year-old kid NOT someone his age. It also allows YOU to side-step the issue somewhat with a plausible reason as opposed as flat out having to tell him to bug off.

 

Once you have that convo with him, then you need to delete him from all points of contact which will make it clear you meant what you said, prevent him from trying to convince you to change your mind, and also free you from the temptation of continuing to interact with him.

 

There's no sense telling him one thing and then behaving the opposite. Invoking "no contact" after your conversation is mandatory, or else he'll continue to try and weasel his way back into your life. He doesn't belong there. If he doesn't understand that, YOU need to "be the adult" and make it clear by cutting all ties.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Forevermore13]

Put YOU first, not other peoples opinions.

 

Only YOU know if the age gap is too big. How do you feel about it, are you comfortable with it?

 

Heres my situation:

I'm a young professional. in a solid job, finished college and university and I met a man through my job... this man is 27 years older than me but guess what? He's the best match for me that I could ever imagine.

 

Myth busting: I don't have "daddy issues". Me and my father get on great! but would I want a man remotely like him? Not at all... not in a million years.

 

He has a lot of money: Nowp, certainly not. He's on a basic wage

 

 

Since I can remember, I've been into older classic rock and metal music, and generally got on better with older people because of my interests etc.

 

If you genuinely have feelings for this man and trust him and you both honestly respect each other, then how can the age gap be too big?

 

Follow your heart and your head. x

[TMichaels]

Put YOU first, not other peoples opinions. Only YOU know if the age gap is too big... I'm a young professional. in a solid job, finished college and university and I met a man through my job... this man is 27 years older than me but guess what? He's the best match for me that I could ever imagine... If you genuinely have feelings for this man and trust him and you both honestly respect each other, then how can the age gap be too big?... Follow your heart and your head. x

 

That's nice and more power to you, but the OP girl is only 18, hasn't even had a chance to attend Uni yet nor most likely even made a decision about *what* career she will pursue.

 

Age gaps matter less the older you get. Advising someone your age to "follow your heart and your head" is one thing. Sorry, but technically, this girl is still a teenager. At her stage of life, a 13-yr difference *is* a very big deal.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Els]

Thank you all for your comments.

Now I know that this is just a crush,and obviously temporary.I'm just 18 and I'm going to change a lot,which means we won't be able to be on the same wavelength in the future.

 

It's great to hear that you've come to this conclusion. You have a good head on your shoulders - that'll prove invaluable in life.

 

What should I say to him? If I have to call it off,what is the best way to do that,as I don't want to hurt him?

Tell him you don't think he's the right guy for you and you want to date guys your age in college. If he's at all a decent person he will see sense. If he starts stalking/harassing you then you'll see that you dodged a bullet.

 

That's nice and more power to you, but the OP girl is only 18, hasn't even had a chance to attend Uni yet nor most likely even made a decision about *what* career she will pursue.

 

Age gaps matter less the older you get. Advising someone your age to "follow your heart and your head" is one thing. Sorry, but technically, this girl is still a teenager. At her stage of life, a 13-yr difference *is* a very big deal.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Right. If the OP had been 35 and the man 48, I wouldn't even have batted an eyelid. But at 18 she will severely hamper her growth, both social and likely even career-wise, if she ties herself down to a LDR with this man while she's just entering college.

[longjohn]

At your age and his this isn't going to have a positive outcome. Your both in very different places in your lives plus as a young adult how you view the world now and how you'll view it at 22 or 25 will be different. This might just be best seen as a bit of fun as you start in your adult life and nothing more.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am a 35-year-old woman.

 

If a guy only a couple years younger than me started pursuing a teenager, I'd wonder why he couldn't get a woman closer to his own age. And yes, there is usually a reason.

 

I wouldn't pursue this.

[Forevermore13]

That's nice and more power to you, but the OP girl is only 18, hasn't even had a chance to attend Uni yet nor most likely even made a decision about *what* career she will pursue.

 

Age gaps matter less the older you get. Advising someone your age to "follow your heart and your head" is one thing. Sorry, but technically, this girl is still a teenager. At her stage of life, a 13-yr difference *is* a very big deal.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

Oh for sure, this is something should be VERY careful about.

But only she can possibly know where she is on her life.

 

23yo me is a completely different person to 18 me... So yes, there's a lot of change to come, even in the next few years

 

but somethings work for people.

 

I'd just say be very weary of his motives, why he goes for a younger girl and if it is as genuine as it's made out to be

[hawks1988]

Half your age plus seven is generally acceptable.

 

So I'm 40, half of 40 is 20, add 7 = 27. I can date someone 27 or older. That's just the way I see it

[Moondaisy]

Hello again,

After giving this some hard thought,I decided to stop talking to him.This is the best way I suppose.

Thank you all for your comments.

[justwhoiam]

There's truth in most comments I read on here.

 

A 13-year age gap is no big deal to me when the guy is older. I see it less stable and feasible when the woman is older, in general. Of course, there are exceptions.

 

My mother's best friend got married at 19. He was not much older than her, but he died after over 40 years of marriage. They would still be together if he hadn't died due to his illness. With this, I mean that you're not too young at 19 to make decisions. There are so many variables to take into account: her personality, his personality, what the match is like, where they live, how easy their life is, if they're OK financially, etc.

 

Some people seem to be too volatile to always follow their heart, others are more stable. We can't really say what your case is. We don't know you and we don't know him.

 

You made your decision anyway.