Why is this long-distance relationship become one-sided?

[andihermanto]

I’m a guy here, 23 years old, an employee. I know that it is not usual for a guy to complain about this, but I do care about my relationship. I had a great relationship with a 22 year old woman. We have been together for 5 years, and we have just engaged for a month. We were great together. But the problem came when she began to move to another city (500 km away) 8 months ago to pursue her education as a doctor. In the first 3 months everything went well, but after that I’m beginning to tired of my fiancé’s attitude in our long distance relationship. It is just really one-sided.

 

I always the one who initiate the talk in our daily life, asking about her activities and our future, give her some support that she needs. However, she rarely asked about my life and our future. Whenever she called me, she would just inform me that she would go with some of her friends to some places, but she didn’t ask about anything about me that day. In addition, I always come to her city once a month although it took such an effort and money for me. We have already talked about this, and she promised that she going to change, but although she said that she has changed, in fact I don’t feel she had because I am the only one who could feel it.

 

Her attitude towards me has raised my insecurity to some level that I have never imagined. In truth, I really trust her, but because of her lack of time and interest for me, I doubted that there was another guy (she has some close guy friends that lives really near from her), even though there were no clear proofs that she cheated. Because of my insecurity, sometimes we fought hard and in a few times she lied to me that she hang out with some guys.

 

But in the end, we tried to overcome this and we want to change. We don’t want to control each other, however we both agreed that we have to know our limit (for ex it is good to have any opposite gender friends whoever we wants, as much as we wants, but it is not okay to really that close with only one or two of them). I wanted to be a positive guy that trust her and she promised to be a much more caring girl.

 

Then, after months of self-thinking and discussion with my and her family, I proposed to her when I came to her city a month ago. I was a little bit sad that she didn’t accept it right away because she said that it was too early for us. After an hour waiting, she came back to me and accepted my proposal. In other way, I felt being rejected because she was not as excited as I predicted.

 

Now, we have been engaged for a month. I hope that our engagement could be a trigger for us to have much more positive relationship than before, but in fact it is not. She began to be her old self. It really hurts me that she promised to change, but she didn’t. She only care for herself and her own happiness. She didn’t care about me and our future. She didn’t support me as she did before for 5 years. I believe that no one is really that busy, because there are priorities. In addition, she began to break promises and limit that we agreed before. Whenever I remind her, she will be get annoyed and angry, which I was confused because she has agreed before.

 

As a result, right now I try to hide my feeling (feel being abandoned, jealous, etc) from her because I sad that my feeling makes her to be angry and annoyed. I want her to be happy and I don’t want to risk this relationship. But, this feeling really killing me inside which I feel that she is the only one who can cure this. Right now, I began to distant myself from her (text and call less often) although I really care about anything happened in her life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it doesn't sound as though she really wants to be engaged. She doesn't seem invested in the relationship at this point. Maybe she was hoping she'd feel differently but it doesn't appear that's happened.

 

If she's been with you for 5 years, and she's only 22, she started dating you at 17. That is very young, and I am guessing she hasn't really had much other relationship experience. She may be having some doubts about committing at this point in her life, especially when she's just beginning her medical career. She is only going to get busier from here with her studies and work, and if she's already not making time, I don't see that improving.

 

You two need to talk, in person - or at the very least, on Skype or FaceTime so you can see each other. Based on what you've said, her actions aren't lining up with her words. She needs to be very honest and tell you if she wants to continue this. Don't approach this conversation on the defensive and ready to point out what she's doing wrong, as that won't help you get answers. Tell her you've noticed that you are drifting apart and that you are concerned - ask her to help you understand whether or not she really wants this relationship anymore. Let her fill in the blanks.

[TMichaels]

I hope that our engagement could be a trigger for us to have much more positive relationship than before, but in fact it is not.

 

This is akin to a woman thinking if she gets pregnant then the relationship with her husband can be saved. Once in a while things may work out, but most of the time they don't, as whatever the real issue is between the two people still is there and the pregnancy just puts more pressure on a relationship that is already broken or weak.

 

As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear it, I think you need to break off the engagement as well as your relationship.

 

As others have pointed out, the two of you are young, got together at even a younger age, and have had little opportunity to experience life and decide what you really want. That's the reason why she hesitated when you asked her. She doesn't ask about your day as you aren't her top priority. The more that happens the more wounded you get, and even though you say you're trying to give her space and keep your hurt feelings to yourself, she obviously feels the pressure (and possibly a little guilt) so she lashes out in return.

 

If you don't end things, you are going to continue to twist yourself into knots which is not a good or healthy way to live. She, on the other hand, is going to continue to live her life and go in the direction she feels she must -- which very well may include *her* telling YOU she wants to break things off.

 

If I were you, I'd attempt to have a serious *in person* discussion about what the two of you really want and discuss why you aren't able to get it. At the end of it, don't be afraid to be ready to say you think it's best that you go your separate ways.

 

There's an old Irish adage: "What's for you, won't pass you." Even if you two break up, it doesn't necessarily mean you won't get back together. You very well might -- and if you do, it will be because both of you *want* to be together and made a conscious decision to do so -- as opposed to just staying together because you've been together so long. The latter is never a good reason for anyone to stay anywhere -- whether it be in a relationship or even a job.

 

I guess what I am saying is that you need to quit being the victim and be proactive in getting things between you sorted out. You also need to man up and have the guts to walk away instead of hanging on to the belief that your gf will suddenly do a 180 and all the hurt and disappointment you've experienced and are going through will disappear and everything will be like it used to be. It won't.

 

In a nutshell, the two of you are growing apart and don't share the same goals any more which is natural as people mature. No amount of wishing things were different, passivity or pressure will change that. If there's any hope for your relationship, it needs to be a result of BOTH of you deciding it's what you want.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[andihermanto]

Thank you so much for your advices. They are really helpful.

 

Yes, you are right that we are still really young and lack of experiences in relationship. She has only one failed long-distance relationship before while she is my first girlfriend.

 

Actually, we just had a intense conservation because I have just found out that she was lying to me about guy that she hang out with. Although she was not cheating, but she broke our boundary and promises. One of her lies that she said that she went to another city with her colleagues for academic purpose, but in fact she went to the city with another two guys for fun. It just happened a week after we got engaged. I never restricted her to have social life, but as I mention before we must realize both of our limits as we suppose to respect our partner's feelings. She said that she was afraid that I will be angry. But, in truth I will be fine as long as there are strong reason behind her act. It is really hurtful that it is not the first time she lies to me.

 

As expected, I spoke to her that I want to end this relationship because we don't have same goal anymore. I want to be in a committed relationship, while she is currently just having fun with her life. In addition, it is hard for me to trust her anymore as she keep lying to me.

 

However, she was (again) saying that she also wanted to be in a committed relationship. She realized that she is not mature enough and she wanted to be mature so that we share same goal here. She promised (again) that she will be really honest about what happened in her life, especially when it comes about opposite gender friends.

 

In conclusion, she doesn't want me to walk away from her. She needs my love and care.

 

Once again I decided to still hang on. It doesn't mean that I don't have guts to break up with her. I want to be happy even it means that we have to end our relationship. But I have reasons:

 

1. We only have significant fights while we are on long-distance relationship. But while we meet (as I mention before I regularly come to her city once a month for two days) we are so madly in love that sometimes we forget that we still need to resolve our relationship problem.

2. This long-distance relationship is temporary. She will be back from her duty in 6 or 12 months.

3. She said that now she shared same goal like me. She wanted to be in a committed relationship.

 

But again, how can I trust her after she lied several times on me? It is not that she cheated, but lies to your partner (especially about opposite gender friends) is not even in my mind.

Edited June 15, 2016 by andihermanto

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't trust her if she has lied repeatedly.

 

There is no way around that. She has proved she isn't trustworthy.

 

Hang on if you wish, but she's already very clearly got one foot out the door. I sense the other will follow soon.