He lied about his age...

[pidgeon1010]

I've been talking to this guy for about 6 months. He messaged me on a dating website and I usually delete messages from guys who are not in my city or nearby but for some reason responded to him- he's currently in the UK and I am in the US. We now skype, talk on the phone, text message, etc. but I have also not foreclosed meeting other guys who are closer to me - my friends set me up with someone else who is closer whom I have also been slowly getting to know.

 

Now to my long distance "friend", he told me he would like to come and visit me this summer (he has relatives in the neighboring state), has expressed to me he likes me and would like to see if something could blossom between us in real time. He also mentioned that he would be open to moving (he's in his final year of grad school for a career change) if we meet and things work out.

 

Now to today- we were talking on the phone and and we got to the topic of birthdays and he tells me he is 42 (initially said he just turned 40 late last year). I was a little flabbergasted and didn't hear him clearly so clarified with him whether he turned 42 last year or is turning 42 this year. He responded "I am turning 42 this year." This would mean the lie was only a 1 year age difference which seems silly! Now I don't know what to believe. If he is lying about age, what else could he be lying about?

 

He apologized and said people told him not to put on his online profile that he's over 40 as there's a stigma attached to 40 never married guys. His profile said he was 39 LOL. He asked if I was upset and I told him I didn't care about his age, but was upset about the lie. I cut the conversation short and he apologized again and we said good night to each other. Not sure what to do next. I would have liked to meet him in person this summer but not sure if it's even worth it anymore...who lies about being 40 as opposed to 41? Maybe he is actually 42 and was scared to admit that because he saw my reaction.

 

Am I overreacting? Should I let it be and just see what happens if we meet?

Edited June 11, 2016 by pidgeon1010

[RecentChange]

My advice, not to invest too much emotion into someone you don't know. For the most part these online, long distance relationships are fantasy.

 

IITs so easy to be one person online, and another in real life.

 

Do you realistically foresee him moving across an ocean and living with you? Do you think this would be a reasonable thing to do after very limited in person interaction?

 

Invest your time and emotion into local men, ones you can interact with in flesh and blood.

[todreaminblue]

He shouldnt have lied......in saying that...he decided not to carry the lie on and let you know before you were planning to meet...if it were me i would give the guy a chance and meet him....and when i did i would explain how honesty is really a number one thing with me.....and why honesty is important to me....that includes me being honest from the start not just him being honest...that its a two way street and then say so lets start afresh shall we....cards on the table

 

 

really it depends on how much you really like him and if this was just the one slip in his honesty...but i would suggest meeting him and explaining why you value honesty some where in the convo......but this is up to you of course.... if its a deal breaker for you then its a deal breaker....you should stick to that.......best wishes...deb

[pidgeon1010]

My advice, not to invest too much emotion into someone you don't know. For the most part these online, long distance relationships are fantasy.

 

IITs so easy to be one person online, and another in real life.

 

Do you realistically foresee him moving across an ocean and living with you? Do you think this would be a reasonable thing to do after very limited in person interaction?

 

Invest your time and emotion into local men, ones you can interact with in flesh and blood.

 

True in regards to fantasy. I am already skeptical so this age fib is certainly not helping matters.

 

Also he wouldn't be moving in with me. He actually wants to do his medical residency in the U.S. and already took one of the the United States Medical Licensing exams (step1) so he would move to whatever state he matches in, if at all but we haven't really discussed any specifics as we haven't even met yet. I think he mentioned the moving part so I would be less put off by him being long distance and agree to meet him.

[pidgeon1010]

He shouldnt have lied......in saying that...he decided not to carry the lie on and let you know before you were planning to meet...if it were me i would give the guy a chance and meet him....and when i did i would explain how honesty is really a number one thing with me.....and why honesty is important to me....that includes me being honest from the start not just him being honest...that its a two way street and then say so lets start afresh shall we....cards on the table

 

 

really it depends on how much you really like him and if this was just the one slip in his honesty...but i would suggest meeting him and explaining why you value honesty some where in the convo......but this is up to you of course.... if its a deal breaker for you then its a deal breaker....you should stick to that.......best wishes...deb

 

Thanks Deb! Appreciate your input. Food for thought.

[Buddhist]

My reaction to this was.....yawn. Its not as if he claimed to be 35 and was actually 10yrs older. OLD is hard because if you choose certain age groups you might only be matched with really inappropriate matches. The one time I had an OLD profile I put my actual age on it (mid 30's at the time) and only ever received contact from guys in their 50's and above because guys my own age were all searching for women in their 20's. I have no problem meeting people my own age in person though.

 

So to be honest his story does actually check out. All people lie, yes even you do too! Society teaches people that it's preferable to lie than be honest the vast majority of the time. Why we suddenly hold people to strict 'no lying' policies in relationships is actually quite weird when we all routinely lie all day long. Coworker wearing the most atrocious outfit? Oh hey! That looks great on you....

 

And yet somehow we are intolerably offended when a love interest does exactly the same thing. This idea we tell ourselves that certain lies are okay while others aren't is faulty. We become arbitrary with the truth and there is no agreed standard as to what constitutes the sanctioned 'white lie' and what constitutes devious behaviour.

[Satu]

Don't invest too much into something that only exists on the internet.

[elaine567]

My reaction to this was.....yawn. Its not as if he claimed to be 35 and was actually 10yrs older. OLD is hard because if you choose certain age groups you might only be matched with really inappropriate matches. The one time I had an OLD profile I put my actual age on it (mid 30's at the time) and only ever received contact from guys in their 50's and above because guys my own age were all searching for women in their 20's. I have no problem meeting people my own age in person though.

 

Agreed it is the imposed OLD age brackets that make people lie about their age.

IRL 39 or 42 - Who cares? but on OLD - OMG he is in the wrong age bracket, NOT interested.

[angel.eyes]

People tell you who they are very early on in dating. It's up to you to pay attention to your intuition. This guy can't even keep his lies straight!

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste time on someone who lies coming out the gate and is a continent away. There are too many things off with this guy. But let's look at the logistics for a sec--

 

IF he were to come to the US to do his training (and that's a huge if), he has already told you it could be ANYWHERE in the US. Chances are you stay long distance. By the way, what did this guy do for twenty years of his adult life?

 

Rule #1: If you want a good dating experience, focus on guys who are available. That starts with being available to go on an actual date now, not in some undefined future while he wastes your time with stories.

 

I did OLD twice and landed in great relationships twice. Neither lied about his age. One baseline expectation I have is honesty and integrity. If someone is lying about the very basics, that person just isn't what I'm looking for. How does lying fit in with your standards?

[lazcas]

Someone told me a story a while back about a woman he met online. He lives in Australia and she lives in the US. He saw pictures of her but they weren't great quality pics and she was with other people. At first she told him she was 28, then at some point she confessed she was actually 38 and when they finally met the truth is that she was 48!!! and she was obese, the pics she had showed him weren't new ones. It is not that it is bad to be obese and middle aged, but lying about it is definitely bad. The woman got a visa for 11 months to stay with him in Australia, after he found out the truth at the airport he felt bad of making her go back immediately to the US and she stayed in his house all the 11 months and it was hell for him.

[TMichaels]

While a fib of a couple of years doesn't seem that consequential, the fact is this guy still lied to you. My bet is that if he hadn't screwed up and let it slip that he actually is older, he wouldn't have admitted it on his own.

 

You're right to be concerned about what else he may have or will lie to you about. When you meet and get involved with someone online all you have to go on is what they tell you.

 

Your ability to spot inconsistencies is extremely limited as (usually) you don't know or are in regular conversation with any of his family/friends/co-workers, haven't or spend very little time in person so you can't evaluate non-verbal behavior, their general appearance/demeanor, where they really live, work, or what their lifestyle or life situation is really like, including whether they are single, married, divorced or widowed, rich, poor, educated, illiterate, incarcerated, etc. -- you get the gist.

 

Oh yes, there will be people who will say that "nothing ventured, nothing gained," "everyone tells little white lies," "wait until you meet in person to make your decision or you may be missing out on the love of your life if you don't at least give it a go."

 

All nice, romantic sentiments, but the fact is, LDRs are extremely difficult, especially when the partners are from different parts of the world which will require even more sacrifice, trust, commitment and money to sustain and bring to a close. There's no room in LDRs for doubt or deceit and if either rears its ugly head, being in a relationship like that is a living he||.

 

Can you envision what it would be like questioning every little thing he tells you and/or taking steps to verify whether it's true? It can totally consume your life and certainly isn't a sound foundation upon which to develop a healthy, solid, successful relationship that will go the distance literally and figuratively.

 

For those of you out there who think "everyone lies about their age" and "a couple of years don't matter," let me tell you briefly about a five-year odyssey a friend of mine went through...

• "Published" age difference was eight years which was acceptable to both. Prior to meeting in person, LD love made a similar slip of the tongue, and it was disclosed that the age gap was really 10 years.
  
• Undeterred, the two meet. Due to a prolonged but routine interview at security when returning home, the LD's birthdate was affirmed -- age gap was really *12* years. When asked why LD love had lied not just once, but twice about this issue, the answer was "because I thought it sounded better."
  
• This admission should have been a red-flag as it was an indication of the LD love's values/morals and how easily the truth could be manipulated without remorse in order to get the desired outcome, but the relationship continued.
  
• The two saw/visited each other about every six months in spite of being an ocean apart. In the meantime, thousands of hours and dollars were spent on IM, emails, phone calls, etc. They shared the deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts about each other's lives and there was no doubt of the love and trust between them.
  
• Lest anyone gets the idea that it was all hearts and flowers, there were issues and events that came up along the way which were seemingly inconsequential at the time so just written off as just all part of trying to conduct a relationship primarily online and at long-distance, but hindsight as always 20/20.
  
• Suffice to say, the problem with playing "the lying game" is that once you start, you have to keep it up and *you have to keep your stories straight* if you're going to continue the ruse.
  
• Some people are better at it than others. Some get lazy; others get cocky -- they have gotten away with it for so long they think they're invincible and besides -- their SO has already invested so much in the relationship that they'll believe/do anything not to have it fail.
  
• In my friend's case, the LD love was very good (or some might say my friend was very gullible, tolerant, or just exceptionally blinded by the love light) -- regardless, the game went on for FIVE years.
  

In the end, besides the 12 year age gap, there were dozens of "inconsistencies" (aka outright lies) -- the more significant of which included:

• Not "single" -- separated with no intention of getting a divorce.
  
• Separation was caused not by LD love's spouse cheating -- it was LD love that was caught out.
  
• Parent of two children not one as claimed. First child was illegitimate and LD love had no contact with child in the 20+ years since even though living in a small town and all families were close.
  
• Purported to work as an independent contractor for a well-respected company. Had been unemployed for much of the five-year period.
  
• Ostensibly was "out of touch" occasionally because of a remote work location or on holiday with family. Later uncovered (but denied by LD love) that visits were truly personal and "social" in nature. (You do the math...)
  
• Insisted only had one Internet identity. At one point, LD love had a lapse in memory and messaged my friend using one of these "alter egos" that LD love insisted had no connection/meaning. After relationship ended, several Internet IDs were indeed uncovered/connected -- most associated with online dating and cyber-sex websites.
  
• Claimed to be in a relationship with no one else -- online or off. Other angry lovers started emerging sending threatening emails; photos of LD love with others, and active dating profiles on numerous websites were discovered. Turns out, LD love had romanced several in the past and was juggling several all throughout the five-year relationship with my friend.
  

One would think these would be enough red flags to end the relationship. But the straw that finally broke the camel's back was this:

• LD love lied about brother's wedding to which my friend had been invited. Said wedding had been cancelled and marriage off. Repeatedly insisted brother got married on holiday some months later after the planned/cancelled nuptials.
  
• Both "facts" were "white lies" that LD love obviously thought the truth of which could never be found out due to the two of them living on different continents and my friend's limited contact/knowledge of LD love's friends/family.
  
• Wrong. Photos emerged online of the ceremony which took place where and when it had been planned all along. When confronted, LD love still try to claim there was no wedding and photos were just of a church blessing after brother/SIL had eloped and returned home.
  
• Copies of public record office documents acquired by my friend proved otherwise. Even when faced with this irrefutable evidence, LD love denied any culpability. Tried to claim my friend "must have forgotten" being told LD love's brother had gotten married in a local church.
  

Believe me, if there's one thing my friend has, it's a good memory! The LD love had been caught red-handed. It was absolutely chilling to see to what lengths the LD love had gone to in order to keep the ruse going, not to mention shocking that even when caught, the LD love tried to continue to twist the truth in order not have to admit deceit.

 

I asked why the wedding episode was the one that finally ended it. The answer? Because every other time there had been inconsistencies, the only information my friend had to go on was what the LD love had dished out. When a un-biased, official, third-party source provided undeniable proof, there was no doubt -- didn't matter what the LD love tried to say was true.

 

So what's the moral of this story?

 

Be very careful with your heart, money, and time when it comes to getting into a relationship with someone you meet online. Though not all are out to scam others, even if you think you're a good judge of character, the very fact that you must rely on what a person tells you, is less than ideal and puts you in a one-down position from the start.

 

Furthermore, if someone you meet online has already been caught in a lie, no matter how small, it gives you a sense of their character. Usually, where there's smoke there's fire.

 

Personally, it wouldn't matter to me how small the lie. As I said earlier, relationships, especially LD ones are tough enough without having to constantly wonder whether you're being fed a line.

 

I won't even get into how and why I doubt what this guy has told you so far (career/education/travel plans, etc.). If I were you, would continue to get to know the local guy you've met and give Mr. LD a pass. If he presses you for why, then I'd be truthful. Tell him that the fact he lied to you about his age is a turn-off and is something you can't get over, and leave it at that.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited June 11, 2016 by TMichaels

[pidgeon1010]

People tell you who they are very early on in dating. It's up to you to pay attention to your intuition. This guy can't even keep his lies straight!

 

Personally, I wouldn't waste time on someone who lies coming out the gate and is a continent away. There are too many things off with this guy. But let's look at the logistics for a sec--

 

IF he were to come to the US to do his training (and that's a huge if), he has already told you it could be ANYWHERE in the US. Chances are you stay long distance. By the way, what did this guy do for twenty years of his adult life?

 

Rule #1: If you want a good dating experience, focus on guys who are available. That starts with being available to go on an actual date now, not in some undefined future while he wastes your time with stories.

 

I did OLD twice and landed in great relationships twice. Neither lied about his age. One baseline expectation I have is honesty and integrity. If someone is lying about the very basics, that person just isn't what I'm looking for. How does lying fit in with your standards?

 

I am not putting all my eggs in one basket and will not invest much time into him going forward. I have other dating prospects that I am pursuing but he also did pique my interest. Re what he was doing before med school, he was a lawyer. I am also a lawyer- he gave me the names of the firms he worked at which are all global law firms with U.S offices so I verified that information (and obtained more info) through my network .....friends/colleagues at those firms. Good or bad, I tend to be a naturally suspicious person so I usually research people in both personal and professional settings. Age wasn't one of the big ones with him as he looks at the most late 30s on Skype and my profile says I'd date a guy up to 45 years old so wouldn't think he would lie about that. I believe the lie is tied to the fact that he has a hard time accepting that his current life path (although self- imposed) is unconventional. Nevertheless, lying is a big red flag for me and I'm now turned off by the whole thing. Moving on.