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My Girlfriend Nephew Is Suffering From Cancer


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BrianSmith

Hey everyone,

 

I been dating my girlfriend for about 3 years ago and even though we have had our problems we never had one so serious as the one I am about to share with you now.

 

She has found that her 5 year old nephew has cancer about a week ago. I know I am not the best person to help her, fortunately I have never had a similar case in my family.

 

So I don't know exactly the right words to say to her. Yet, I been trying my best to calm her down.

 

Everyday, especially at night, she telephone me crying or barely crying and we talk about her nephew. Not that there's much to talk, the doctors still don't have an exact diagnostic.

 

But what she told me yesterday seriously rang my red alert sirens. By the way, we're in a long-distance relationship so this was on the phone.

 

She told me she was obsessed with the situation of her nephew. She inclusively stop searching for a job in her expertise.

 

And decided she would stick in one she currently has, which she isn't truly passionate about. Just because they offer more freedom of schedule for her to be with her nephew whenever needed.

 

In other words, she basically stopped pursuing her life objectives. I tried to reason with her but I saw it wasn't an option, she had clearly made her mind.

 

Actually, she even got mad at me and started saying, I didn't understand her and if I wanted I could leave her.

 

She also told me her entire focus and priority was in this case. She was going to be selfish and only think about it.

 

I been telephoning her more often,worrying about her etc and then she tell me that, it kind of hurts. I know this is all very recent and I should give her time.

 

But I feel I am being put in second plan or third or in one where I basically don't exist in her life. I am just the guy telephones worrying about her situation. I am also starting to wonder if this continues if there aren't greener pastures out there. I know this is selfish to say but it has been crossing my mind.

 

I'd like to hear a few opinions, thanks for reading and sorry about this long post.

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GorillaTheater

She's justifiably devastated. Childhood cancer is one of the worst things I can think of to witness. The child of an inlaw of an inlaw died from it, and I couldn't even go the hospital room without crying, so I can only imagine what it's like for your gf if this kid is the child of her brother or sister. This is the time when healthy families pull together and make themselves available to each other without question or hesitation.

 

 

So, with that preamble, I think you're being a self-absorbed jerk about this. It isn't about you. If you have genuine feelings for your gf, support her, period.

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She's justifiably devastated. Childhood cancer is one of the worst things I can think of to witness. The child of an inlaw of an inlaw died from it, and I couldn't even go the hospital room without crying, so I can only imagine what it's like for your gf if this kid is the child of her brother or sister. This is the time when healthy families pull together and make themselves available to each other without question or hesitation.

 

 

So, with that preamble, I think you're being a self-absorbed jerk about this. It isn't about you. If you have genuine feelings for your gf, support her, period.

 

Going to echo that.

 

Probably better not to have someone like you around at this point in her life.

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BrianSmith

I been supporting her, but it's quite difficult when someone tells you she doesn't care about you. A relationship works for both sides, or it wouldn't be a relationship in the first place.

 

I been telephoning her and caring about her. If I was a jerk as you claim then I wouldn't even bother doing that.

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GorillaTheater
I been supporting her, but it's quite difficult when someone tells you she doesn't care about you.

 

 

You left that part out in your original post.

 

 

Nevertheless, what I said stands. You're worried about how this awful event is impacting you, and as far as I can see not giving much thought at all about how it's impacting her or her family. This might be a good time to practice a little empathy.

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It's perfectly understandable to me that your gf has decided to put her pursuits aside for the moment to focus on this immediate crisis of a loved one. If her nephews cancer is easily treatable your gf might be able to resume her normal life in a relatively short time, but if the boys illness is serious or even terminal she may want to put her career on hold for a longer period of time. Why on earth would that set off sirens for you?

 

If someone I loved were seriously ill I too would want whatever job allowed me the most flexability to support my loved one. It's not forever. I can certainly see why your gf is angry at you. Right now she is scared and hurting and sick with worry over her nephew. She may be losing her nephew and instead of being a supportive compassionate shoulder she can lean on and cry her heart out, you decide she needs to be lectured on getting a better job? That's obviously not a high priority to her right now. Why is it such a high priority to you?

 

That would be enough for me to break up with you on the spot. At a time like this the herd needs to be thinned. Only people who can lend support and positivity allowed. People trying to push their own agendas or who can't be understanding and empathetic need to be cut from the herd. Your focus on your gf's career and telling her what you think she should be doing and how you think she should be handling this makes you a hinderance, not a help.

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BrianSmith

Sorry I haven't clearly explain myself. I know I must give her time and try to support her.

 

I was just asking for some help and suggestion in how to better deal with this situation. I have no experience with it, nor do I have a close relative or friend who has passed by a similar situation. Therefore, I have decided to ask in the forum hoping someone would.

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GorillaTheater
Sorry I haven't clearly explain myself. I know I must give her time and try to support her.

 

I was just asking for some help and suggestion in how to better deal with this situation. I have no experience with it, nor do I have a close relative or friend who has passed by a similar situation. Therefore, I have decided to ask in the forum hoping someone would.

 

 

A good start would be to apologize for not giving enough thought to how this is impacting her and her family, that you've never experienced anything like this, that you just want to support her any way you can, and to ask her how you can do that. Then apologize again for good measure.

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It's only been a week since she found out and since this horrible news has taken her focus off you (for a whole week, you poor thing)you are already thinking of looking for greener pastures? Yes please do that. Go find a girl with a great job and no sick or possibly dying relatives. Be sure to let the new girl know that should she ever stop making you her top priority due to a crisis you will be ditching her for greener pastures. I hope your gf has other loving supportive people in her life.

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Be there for her.

 

Put your needs on hold.

 

Show her support.

 

She `May` need it more than ever now.

 

Yes and apologise.

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BrianSmith

Anika is has nothing to do with that. I understand she is mad but she clearly stated, she didn't care about me. And I been trying to help her out.

 

As I said before, I am not used to this kind of situations. I guess some things she will tell me now and after I shouldn't pay much attention. Or not take it seriously.

 

One is being mad at the moment because she told me that and having those thoughts another is actually doing them. Both things still go along way.

 

And I am human and not always we have the brightest ideas but we still do have them.

 

By the way thanks for the other replies.

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Anika is has nothing to do with that. I understand she is mad but she clearly stated, she didn't care about me. And I been trying to help her out.

 

As I said before, I am not used to this kind of situations. I guess some things she will tell me now and after I shouldn't pay much attention. Or not take it seriously.

 

One is being mad at the moment because she told me that and having those thoughts another is actually doing them. Both things still go along way.

 

And I am human and not always we have the brightest ideas but we still do have them.

 

I am only responding to what you say. You said that you were alarmed by your gf not going after a better job. You said that you are thinking of greener pastures because you are not number one in her life. You complained about her and talked of finding greener pastures, you didn't ask for help. That makes me think you are not up to the task at hand. How long have you been involved with this girl? If it's a new relationship as well as being long distance then perhaps this crisis is more than the relationship can withstand. Maybe you both would be better off by splitting up.

 

I'm sure it hurt for her to say she doesn't care about you but context is everything. Did she actually say 'I don't care about you!' or was it more along the lines of 'the only thing I care about right now is my nephew'? Also when did she say that? Did she call you up just to tell you she doesn't care about you or did she only say it after you angered her by weirdly pushing her about pursuing a better job at this time.

 

Can you explain why you have a problem with her staying at her current job so she can be there for her family? That's the part that really creeps me out. It's like you are pushing your own agenda on her. Like you have some expectation of her being more successful and making more money and your pissed that she's not going to do that right now. It's obviously some sort of major concern as by your own words you said it set off red sirens for you.

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ChocolateRain
Anika is has nothing to do with that. I understand she is mad but she clearly stated, she didn't care about me. And I been trying to help her out.

 

As I said before, I am not used to this kind of situations. I guess some things she will tell me now and after I shouldn't pay much attention. Or not take it seriously.

 

One is being mad at the moment because she told me that and having those thoughts another is actually doing them. Both things still go along way.

 

And I am human and not always we have the brightest ideas but we still do have them.

 

By the way thanks for the other replies.

 

First consider this ... she and the rest of her family Members ( my thoughts are with the mother and father of this child ) are in shock .

He is still so young and he will probably undergo harsh treatment etc etc it will be devastating for the family !

Life gets put on hold in a situation like this . Try to imagine what all of the family is going through right now ...

inform yourself , do some research if you can ... maybe she needs space right now . if you truly love her you will walk through this tough moment with her ...

 

these are moments in life where you realize how uncertain the future can be and the moment when ppl have to face death or come close to dealing with possibly losing someone ...imagine that

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BrianSmith

I know she fought tremendously hard to finish college and has been trying to find a job in her area. I was just surprise and suggested she could still do both. I just think being obsessed and depressed isn't really helpful for anyone.

 

I suggested didn't give her any kind of lecture or whatsoever.

 

She stated she was going to be extremely selfish and only think about her needs. She would be obsessed and entirely focus on her nephew.

 

Basically, I don't care about you. I mean if I been trying to help her, telephoning etc... then it's kind of hard to hear that.

 

And yes, at that moment I thought precisely about the green pastures etc but that doesn't mean I will do that.

 

I understand people are more than sad, probably she hasn't slept well so it's normal to not think clearly.

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ChocolateRain
I know she fought tremendously hard to finish college and has been trying to find a job in her area.
I was just surprise and suggested she could still do both. I just think being obsessed and depressed isn't really helpful for anyone.

 

May i add ...if you think like this ??? it may be better to step away ... in live's tough situations people learn who will stand by them regardless or who is not worth hanging around and who we should let go of ...

 

 

I understand people are more than sad, probably she hasn't slept well so it's normal to not think clearly.

 

it's not just a sadness and it has nothing to do with enough sleep ...when someone is diagnosed with cancer , your whole world will flip upside down

All People deal with it differently ...so dont assume pls

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BrianSmith

Yes, I love her but in the end of the day I love myself more. When you're trying to help someone and she has that attitude towards you, you start questioning stuff.

 

I am her boyfriend not her punching bag. I told her what I felt, and she's calmer today. There are things that are hard to listen that's all! Besides, it's hard for me to describe it through writing and I guess that has already caused a lot of assumptions about me.

 

Anyway, I'd like to thank some of the replies and it has helped me more clearly see stuff.

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unexpected

Brian,

 

I actually have a very similar situation and it can be very difficult, especially in an LDR. My LDR gf has a son (19 years old) who went into a major depressive episode about two months ago. I don't know your age but I am 44 and my 'gf' is 42. Her sons sudden turn for the worse has caused us to cancel a couple of get together's and pretty much put on hold or possibly ended the LDR (not clear on that, yet).

 

Here's the thing. Different people react differently to crisis in life. Believe it or not some actually totally freak out (and in some cases, rightfully so). When they freak out it is because they are stressed and anxious and scared, etc. Ever gone up to a friendly family pet that was anxious, scared, stressed and they growl, bite, or scratch you? They don't mean to. They are just.......scared/anxious/stressed, etc. When you run into an animal that is scared/stressed/anxious you don't just trot right up to them and start asking them why they are so distant and acting weird, unless you want to get your head bitten off.

 

Long story short, my 'gf' shut down when her son starting having his episodes. She quit talking to me barely ever. I, as you, felt that I should at least expect to hear from her once or twice a week via text for like 5 minutes, right? Wrong! Wrong for me to expect that! However, before I give my 'gf' 100% freedom from responsibility in the issue, let me say it would have been nice to know that the expectation should have been zero. Communication is key here and your 'gf' should be able to tell you what she wants from you right now. But, she may not be able to. She may not know.

 

The end of my story goes like this. Last Sunday, I texted my gf a handful of lengthy texts about how it would have been nice to at least have heard from her once in 7 days, even if just to let me know she was okay. I told her I felt that not hearing from her in a week was a clear indication to me that our relationship wasn't thought of even one time. Here is where clearer communication from her would've helped. She never told me what exactly was going on with her son. She just said he is having a really hard time and started some out patient therapy to help find the right medications for his depression. I'm thinking there has got to be SOME time in a week just to say hi, right? Well, I pushed too much and this is the response I got back from her, right around midnight:

 

Her: Hey, how was your day?

Me: Great! Wow, nice to hear from you!

Her: Sorry I've been quiet, been really busy with work and my son, etc.

Her: But, since you seem to need so much of my time, maybe you should look for someone local.

Her: How's that for communication? Well? You wanted me to talk, right?

Her: You want to know how I spent my day?

Me (obviously treading on ice now): Yeah, I'd love to hear about your day.

Her: I spent the day shopping with my son for a watch......

Her: To cover the scars on his wrist from where he tried to kill himself.

Her: Is that what you want to hear? I spend my days commuting back and forth 3 hours to take him back and forth to outpatient care.

Me: Wow. I'm really sorry to hear about your son.

Her: **** you - you don't know what it's like to bury your child. It's pure HORROR!

Me: But, he's not dead, is he?

Her: NO! But now that he's tried I stay up every night watching him thinking about how he could be. You don't ****ing know anything about WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!

Her: **** your 5 minute commute and your well adjusted offspring!

 

At this point, I stopped saying anything! I know she was probably hitting the wine at this time but I knew where she was coming from....a place of fear, anxiety, and stress. As I said, I didn't know things were that bad for her son. Because she didn't tell me, and that's on her! But, it's on me for not thinking realistically about how far away in an LDR I really am from what is happening to her on a day to day basis. The comment about my short commute to work and my well-adjusted daughter obviously came from a place of envy and resentment for a life she thought she might have some day vs. where she is currently at now with her son. The comment was clear enough to me to know that I need to take a step back and let her go for now. I truly am not a priority, nor would I expect to be given the circumstances. I've turned to going to meetups and hanging with friends and praying for her and her son! It's all I can do right now. If she needs/wants me, she'll reach out. But I learned at this time I probably shouldn't reach out to her.

 

I just wanted to give you an example of how sometimes you don't always know what is really going on is your LDR's life and they may not be able, or very good at, communicating it. If it seems they are looking for separation it isn't always about you or your relationship. Just enjoy your 'me' time if/until she calls you - then be there for her.

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I know she fought tremendously hard to finish college and has been trying to find a job in her area. I was just surprise and suggested she could still do both. I just think being obsessed and depressed isn't really helpful for anyone.

I suggested didn't give her any kind of lecture or whatsoever.

 

She stated she was going to be extremely selfish and only think about her needs. She would be obsessed and entirely focus on her nephew.

 

Basically, I don't care about you. I mean if I been trying to help her, telephoning etc... then it's kind of hard to hear that.

 

And yes, at that moment I thought precisely about the green pastures etc but that doesn't mean I will do that.

 

I understand people are more than sad, probably she hasn't slept well so it's normal to not think clearly.

 

I'm sorry, maybe you're a good guy who just expresses himself poorly but so much of what you say makes it seem like you really just don't get it. Your gf can't focus on both her career and this crisis at the same time and you shouldn't have that expectation of her. Maybe the little boys cancer won't be terminal, maybe it will be easy to treat, and everyone's lives will get back to normal but right now she just doesn't know and she's in crisis mode. She is devastated and can't help how she feels and doesn't need to hear your opinions on what you consider the right way for her to cope. You are not being helpful to her and I suspect it's because you really don't understand.

 

If the situation with her nephew turns out to be a really bad one then your gf's emotional state is going to get a heck of a lot worse and it will take a long while for her to recover. If you think that you can't handle that because you need to love yourself more, then you really should consider just bowing out now.

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BrianSmith

unexpected thanks for sharing your story, I appreciate it and wish you the best.

 

 

Anika you're right I don't know what she is going through! It's even harder to know by the phone. But she did ask me for my opinion so I gave it to her. Sure based on my past, and what I went through.

 

I'm not a liar and I tell people what I feel, and sometimes I know that may backfire, which obviously did. But at least I'm not sugar coating anyone.

 

I told her she should focus on staying positive and what she knew about her nephew in the moment.

 

Not even the doctors knew exactly what was going on. She was already imagining the worse case scenario and stressing over it.

 

Also if she wanted to help her nephew she needed to stay positive and have faith. Rather than get depressed. Depressed people never helped anyone.

 

She got mad at me but the last two days she has been far better, more positive. What should have I said? Stay in the corner and cry all day would that have been more helpful? I seriously doubt it.

 

--------------------------------------

Good news, today the doctors have told her, "Her nephew's cancer wasn't fatal and he had a good chance of recovering". I am very happy!

 

And no, I am not a good guy, nor do I try to be.

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I don't see anything wrong with her staying in her current job temporarily to support your nephew, even if she isn't terribly excited about her job. While career is important, there are other important things in life as well, and it sounds to me like your gf is doing her best to balance them. She isn't exactly quitting her job to spend 24/7 with her nephew, so I think you're overreacting with regards to her career.

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acrosstheuniverse
I know she fought tremendously hard to finish college and has been trying to find a job in her area. I was just surprise and suggested she could still do both. I just think being obsessed and depressed isn't really helpful for anyone.

 

I suggested didn't give her any kind of lecture or whatsoever.

 

She stated she was going to be extremely selfish and only think about her needs. She would be obsessed and entirely focus on her nephew.

 

Basically, I don't care about you. I mean if I been trying to help her, telephoning etc... then it's kind of hard to hear that.

 

And yes, at that moment I thought precisely about the green pastures etc but that doesn't mean I will do that.

 

I understand people are more than sad, probably she hasn't slept well so it's normal to not think clearly.

 

You clearly have never been through this kind of trauma, to describe her as being 'obsessed and depressed' when her nephew has just been diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness.

 

I have nephews, they are my world. No kids of my own yet, but I love them like they're mine. I've never felt a love like it, I'd give my life up in a second and sacrifice my relationship if it meant being there for them when they needed me.

 

You sound incredibly selfish, and I'm sure she's picking up on that. Damn, my eldest nephew is five. If something like this happened to him you'd better believe I'd put my life on hold and change everything to make sure I was there for him as much as possible.

 

All you can do is be there to support her. Give her love and space. Don't pass off your opinion on what's best for her or her family. So many men try to 'fix' their partner's pain, when in this situation you can't. While your constant attempts to problem solve and cheer her up are probably well meaning, it's the worst thing you can do, as you can't take this pain away and you'll stress her out further.

 

Her nephew clearly comes first right now, if you can't handle and support that then the relationship will not survive. I would leave someone who tried to handle it the way you've been.

 

When you say stuff like 'she's not thinking clearly' it sounds condescending, and as though you are sure you know best and she's just having a tantrum or something.

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And no, I am not a good guy, nor do I try to be.

 

Well, that's truly a nominee for "Understatement of the Year."

 

 

 

I had a gander at your some of your other posts, so answer me this...

  • If you admit you're bored with your gf sexually
  • Wish you could keep her around and see other women too
  • Acknowledge that you and your gf don't share the same ideals therefore the relationship has no future

Where do you get off then sitting on your high horse...

  • Dictating to her how she should act and feel in response to her nephew's possible terminal condition
  • Reaming her upside and down about not telling you she danced what you consider a too suggestive dance while out at a club with friends
  • Going apesh|t about the fact some guy she used to know expressed interest in her that she declined which you immediately took to mean she had cheated on you?

I dunno, man. There's insensitivity, arrogance, controlling, paranoid, insecure, immature, revengeful, bullying behavior written all over your posts. Scary, really.

 

 

P.S. Why does your girlfriend not feel comfortable telling you what really went on in any situation you've described? Because the poor girl is scared to death of your wrath and the fall-out that is always sure to come.

 

Quite honestly, I don't understand why the two of you are together. I hope your gf doesn't figure out you're posting here and reads what you wrote about her. If I were her, I'd be crushed AND also telling you to take a hike, post haste. [shaking head]

 

Best,

TMichaels

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Jesus soon people are calling me a serial killer lol. And nice boy is what I call my dog so I don't like it!

 

No, fortunately as I mentioned her nephew's case isn't terminal. He's being treated and soon will be well. Yet, my girlfriend behaviors was and still is exaggerated.

 

Before she knew anything, she went to facebook and made the situation far more serious than it really was. Not sure why people feel the need to talk about their family matters in social media networks nowadays but okay.

 

I have been trying to help her and she's been cutting our weekends together; Because she hasn't saw her nephew during two days or so because he's in the hospital.

 

Besides time to time, she talks badly to me at the phone. Like I am in second plan and I can leave if I don't like. As I said, I have my opinion I am the one passing by the situation and it hasn't been easy.

 

The situation isn't so critical for someone to be obsessed and basically stop their life.

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I told her she should focus on staying positive and what she knew about her nephew in the moment.

 

Brian, telling someone who's in crisis mode how they should function is probably the worst type of 'support' you can give. She's doing the best she can with what she's got. And she's doing what feels right for her.

 

You may be honest, but there's a time to keep your opinions to yourself.

 

It sounds like she's getting fed up with you rather quickly. I suspect that her nephew's illness may well be 'make or break' for the two of you.

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Look I have my opinion and I don't agree with yours. Nor your opinion is right nor mine is wrong. We are different people, I am the one handling the situation and I am also trying my best.

 

If I told her to be negative and cry all she wanted then people would blame me for that. If I suggest her to stay positive and wait for the opinion of the medics then people also criticize me for that.

 

She has been obsessed with the situation and overly exaggerating it. Also has been expecting me to say this or that, or do that or this with her. Like spend this whole weekend with her and her nephew. Which I am not going to do.

 

When she doesn't get her way then she gets mat at me. Anyway, last message here kind of tired of justifying myself to strangers on the net.

 

Thanks unexpected, you kind of understood what I meant and your post has helped me.

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