I left him because he wasn't ready to commit

[arielgirl96]

Hi all, I have a really long story coming up. I ask of you to bear with me because I would truly appreciate any opinions you all my have on my situation. I am desperate and need the opinions of others in similar situations.

 

So I met this guy online and we've been speaking long-distance (we haven't met in person yet) for almost a year. We haven't had the opportunity to meet up yet because we live so far from each other (in different states) and don't think we will for at least some time.

 

The story is, well, everything with this man all started off fun and games, with him saying he'd marry me (we're so compatible, we met on a similar-interest forum and have a lot in common together as well as come from similar ethnic backgrounds, so it's pretty rare that we'd come across one another meeting such specific standards). I found it strange when he said that stuff about marriage at first considering we did not know each other. But I suppose at that point in his life, he was looking for it (in our culture dating is looked-down upon, while getting married is encouraged).

 

As time passed, I began pushing for a relationship and he got turned off and said he wasn't interested in pursuing one. But I continued with what we had because I thought he would "come around". We are both college students by the way so we are both young.

 

Anyway, our "relationship" carried on for a few more months with ups and downs. He called me on the phone a few times (we mainly communicate through text) and then stopped after that saying he "couldn't talk right now". I guess he was sometimes in a bad mood whenever I approached him about it. I didn't understand why, but continued with it because I liked him and wanted him so much.

 

He is a really good, respectable guy, the thing is I don't think he wants a relationship or is ready for commitment at this point in time. And that isn't entirely a bad thing, in my perspective. I just want him so badly and do not know what to do about my situation (explanation coming up).

 

We had a huge "fight" towards the end of four/five months of speaking where I "thanked" him for wasting my time, and him saying he never led me on because he was "clear from the beginning" that he didn't want a relationship with me even though he brought up the marriage talk first. This is all through text, by the way. I compromised and avoided the phone topic for a while after this because I liked him so much and was willing to do anything for things to be okay between us once again.

 

Anyway, I decided to turn things around after this and stop pushing for a relationship and other things with him. I decided to "go with the flow" and see where things went with him. So I turned into the perfect girl: I supported him, listened to him vent about his problems, complimented him etc. I did not get much, if anything, in return from him, except companionship and advice whenever I needed it.

 

I would initiate most of the text conversations but it is strange because he would give me mixed signals a lot and knew he was interested in me. I just suppose he wasn't enough to pursue anything more serious with me.

 

A week or so ago, after many months of us not having spoken on the phone, I brought up the phone issue to him once again and he sort of brushed it off by saying we had the whole summer break to figure something out about it. At first I was happy with this response, but now realize it was his way of saying he wasn't interested in doing so because in his eyes, a phone call to this girl I met online= "I am a boyfriend and this will lead to something more serious". And it was him escaping this commitment and being scared of it and me that made him not want to talk to me over phone. I am sure of this because I know him and his style. But it still hurt to hear that from him because I didn't think I was asking for much, and knew it would take him a while to finally call me, especially considering he was so much more attached to me now that he was before.

 

Just a few days ago, I brought up to him how I needed distance from us speaking to each other because I wasn't getting what I wanted or needed from our "relationship", and that I needed time to figure things in my life out. It hurt more and more to talk to him everyday being the better person and not getting anything from him that I wanted. He was a nice guy and gave me support when I needed it, but never complimented me or encouraged me to do the things I wanted to do with my life. He didn't initiate as much as I did or put in as much effort. I suppose relationships aren't his specialty.

 

So I told him some more things about how I don't think what we have is right for me at this point in time. He asked me how many more times this topic would be brought up (relationship talk). This hurt me because I thought he would change his mind after all I had done for him by positively changing my ways and giving him everything the past few months. He also teased me by saying I sounded like a girlfriend but I said that this is just my style of speech.

 

So I told him that it is goodbye for now. I let him go. Our "arrangement" together simply wasn't making me happy anymore. I was tired because I felt it was mainly one-sided in terms of who wanted to move forward, and tired of waiting for him to come around. I was also very upset with him for not calling me on the phone (because, according to him, he is not officially my "boyfriend").

 

Now, my main issue is, I still really, really like and care for this man. He is smart, kind, funny and sweet (most of the time, when I don't bring up relationship talk!). However, he wasn't providing me with what I needed. And I know this is not his fault; that he doesn't want a relationship right now. I am okay with that.

 

My question is, from a man's perspective, do you all think he will come back around ready to pursue me down the line? I cannot see why he wouldn't as our circumstance is so special and the common characteristics we share so rare to find in people of our culture. It is such a unique situation; I am not religious but it leads me to think that whatever we have is "meant to be". I hear from friends that if he cared for me (which I know he did, he was just scared of me and commitment), and us being together is destined, than it will happen. If not now, then in future. In addition, I gave him everything; I was encouraging and motivating and completely supportive (mainly during the last four months we've been speaking), and I also like to think I am quite beautiful. I do not see what more I could have done or do.

 

The difficult part is we have not yet met in person even though I wish we could. I have brought it up maybe twice before but we both knew doing so was not possible considering our current life circumstances. I feel everything would be so much better and easier if we met in person. It is so difficult to communicate how I truly feel over text; this is why I pushed for a phone call this one last time. Since I haven't met him in person or spoken over the phone to him for a long time, I cannot tell what he truly thinks or what his real thoughts are on all of this. All I know is that he is a pretty proud person and unwilling to show his feelings easily .

 

I really do not know what to do about this situation. I know if I go back and start talking to him once more I will lower my value/demean myself and it will go back to the same cycle of fun times but me waiting for him and not getting much in return. I would leave him officially and finally for someone else, but I have seen so many signs in my life that point to the fact that a future relationship is destined and meant to be for us, just maybe not at this time.

 

So I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I deal with this and the guy? Should I check in on him every now and then or leave him to come back to me when he is ready? Or wait a while until I speak to him again? I cannot go back to speaking to him everyday as that tired me out too much; to be there constantly for another person, without there being the stress-relieving aspects of being together in person physically. I also did not focus on myself as much when I spoke to him.

 

In summary: I really like this guy, we met online and haven't met in person, but I left because he was not ready for commitment. I am really anxious for things to work out between us but don't know how to approach the situation anymore.

 

What should I do about this all?

 

P.S.: if you have read this far, then kudos to you and I send my great appreciation over! Thank you so much for any advice you give.

 

P.P.S: we are also each others "firsts" in the sense that neither of us have dated before so our circumstance is pretty special. In addition, neither of us has spoken to a member of the opposite sex for this long.

Edited May 27, 2016 by arielgirl96
fixed details. removed parts. added relevant information in.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, dear. I'm not a man, but I will offer my input:

 

He's been very clear on a few occasions that he is not going to pursue a relationship with you. It doesn't matter if you become the "perfect" girl because he's not interested in that way. You'd know it by now if he were. You're his friend, but nothing more. He's keeping it that way by not offering you very much in terms of support, not wanting to speak to you on the phone, and so on. He mentioned marriage once when you barely knew him - that means nothing, unfortunately. His actions are showing you he wasn't serious about that comment, and that he's not interested in taking your friendly communications any further.

 

Honestly, it sounds like one of two things: 1) He just isn't attracted to you in that way, or 2) He isn't single.

 

Break ties for your own sanity. This is why it's important never to get caught up in an online friendship before meeting the person, and also to listen when someone tells you they don't want a relationship with you. You've essentially been ignoring that for the past few months and then getting upset when he doesn't change his mind or notice your efforts. It's not going to happen. There's nothing to "leave" so to speak, because you're not his girlfriend. I know it sucks, but you're your own worst enemy here, girl. Time to listen to what he's been trying to tell you and let go.

Edited May 27, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm not really sure how much clearer he could have made it.

The thread title is incorrect.

 

you didn't leave because he wasn't 'ready to commit'.

 

You left because you wanted something he didn't, and he wouldn't come round to your way of thinking, no matter how hard you pushed.

 

And let me just add that if he was 'your first' you most certainly should not even have been thinking of settling down, marriage and a life-time together.

 

With the first guy you've dated?

When you've never met him?

 

That's not 'pretty special'

That's actually somewhat naive and extremely premature.

 

You need to date a lot more than this, before you find THE guy who wants to commit, and who shares your goals.

 

You mentioned 'our culture'.

 

What culture is that, exactly?

[Lois_Griffin]

Ok....so what exactly does a 'committed' relationship - where you've never even MET in person and the most romantic thing you've ever done together was send heart emojis to each other via text - look like?

 

I mean that sincerely. How does one 'commit' to a texting pen pal? I don't get it.

[elaine567]

You have to learn from this.

You cannot change people, you cannot make they interested and you cannot just make them "come around".

 

I am sure he liked the attention, but he told you he didn't want a relationship with you, he didn't want to talk on the phone either (I guess he has already has a gf/wife/partner), he didn't want to meet up, he didn't initiate much and he was obviously not interested. People who are interested act interested, you don't need to make excuses for them.

Had he truly wanted to marry you, then you would be planning a wedding now. You would not have needed to change yourself into Miss Perfect and vainly tried to hold up a one sided online relationship.

 

You wrote a love story in your head about this guy, that was not based on reality.

Go find yourself a real flesh and blood man, one you can look in the eye.

[d0nnivain]

This entire thing was a complete fantasy. Nothing is real until you meet. You never met.

 

 

Anybody who even mentions the word marriage before meeting, should be immediately jettisoned from your life. Such a person is most likely a catfish. At best they have no clue about real world human interaction. I sorry you got led on but the minute he said he didn't want a relationship you should have stopped interacting with him.

 

 

You thought a stranger you have never met was "perfect" for you which is just so sad in and of itself. You need more life experience so you stop making those kinds of mistakes. Over the internet, text & the phone people can & will say anything. The truth is you have no idea whatever about who this guy actually is. You fell in love with an illusion. Don't do that to yourself again.

 

 

Also moving forward never ever have an emotional conversion through text It simply doesn't work. You need to be face to face to speak about deep subjects. Barring that you need to use the voice feature of your phone.

 

 

This may end up being one of the most valuable lessons you learn in college but here it is: Life is not a romance novel.

 

 

I'm sorry you got hurt but it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, move forward & put him behind you. In the future when a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship believe him!

[arielgirl96]

Hi,

 

I'm pretty sure he didn't have a girlfriend because he mentioned more than once that he thinks relationships are a "waste of time" and we would talk everyday (of course I naively didn't take this as a sign and leave earlier). I am pretty sure if he had someone, they would not allow him to do this. And like you correctly said, he just didn't want or wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

I don't know what his deal was. There were many signs that he actually WAS interested in me, I know this guy pretty well by now. I think he just has weak social skills and is a very proud person (in our culture, men take a very long time to admit their feelings) to even mention his interest to me. For example, if I didn't speak to him for a long time he would message me saying something along the lines of "oh, I didn't mean to message you, it was someone else with the first letter of your name...". Why would he even bother doing such things if he didn't care and wasn't interested to some extent? Why even bother talking to me and helping solve my issues every single day?

 

This is what I don't understand. I don't think it's me that was the problem, just that he didn't want a relationship for now. That's why I left and will attempt to pursue someone else; once he's ready and wants me back he can do so.

[d0nnivain]

; once he's ready and wants me back he can do so.

 

 

Not gonna happen. This is over. Do not wait for him to come back. He's not going to. Even if he does you should not want him. He's unreliable.

[arielgirl96]

This entire thing was a complete fantasy. Nothing is real until you meet. You never met.

 

 

Anybody who even mentions the word marriage before meeting, should be immediately jettisoned from your life. Such a person is most likely a catfish. At best they have no clue about real world human interaction. I sorry you got led on but the minute he said he didn't want a relationship you should have stopped interacting with him.

 

 

You thought a stranger you have never met was "perfect" for you which is just so sad in and of itself. You need more life experience so you stop making those kinds of mistakes. Over the internet, text & the phone people can & will say anything. The truth is you have no idea whatever about who this guy actually is. You fell in love with an illusion. Don't do that to yourself again.

 

 

Also moving forward never ever have an emotional conversion through text It simply doesn't work. You need to be face to face to speak about deep subjects. Barring that you need to use the voice feature of your phone.

 

 

This may end up being one of the most valuable lessons you learn in college but here it is: Life is not a romance novel.

 

 

I'm sorry you got hurt but it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, move forward & put him behind you. In the future when a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship believe him!

Yes, I thought his mentioning of marriage before we even met was a bit strange but considering our unique circumstances, I do not entirely blame him. Honestly know that all this is over, I think he may have had some sort of mental disorder (which he hinted at a few times) which made him act in such ways.

 

I knew meeting up for us was not possible at the current time; this is why I attempted to get him on the phone with me so we could finally have some real interaction.

 

What you are saying about him being a stranger is true, and perhaps I was naive for falling for him in that way, but our similar attributes as well as us talking everyday really added to that. I could not help it.

 

I wish we could have met in person before all this happened to see how this would have gone. That would have saved so much time, effort, heartbreak and pain. Everything would have been so much more clear. In addition, I think because the "physical" aspect of being in a relationship wasn't there, he didn't want much to do with me because all most young college men want is sex with their women. Not relationships. Unfortunately, I only see that now.

 

I know not to attempt to pursue a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (that is what I believe he is now) in future. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

[elaine567]

I'm pretty sure he didn't have a girlfriend because he mentioned more than once that he thinks relationships are a "waste of time" and we would talk everyday (of course I naively didn't take this as a sign and leave earlier). I am pretty sure if he had someone, they would not allow him to do this

 

Who says they even know?

Edited May 27, 2016 by elaine567
edited quote

[arielgirl96]

Not gonna happen. This is over. Do not wait for him to come back. He's not going to. Even if he does you should not want him. He's unreliable.

Yes, honestly I see this now. This man was extremely strange and could be a complete ******* sometimes too. I was just too blinded to acknowledge these flaws in him completely and attributed them to my incessant pushing of a relationship with him. I think (as I mentioned in another comment) that he might have a mental disorder (which he hinted at a few times) that made him act in such idiotic ways. I was just a fool to fall for him despite all these red flags. I feel so, so stupid now, like a complete idiot, and mourn the loss of all this time. I seriously don't get what his deal was, and why he would even be so heartless to speak to me everyday when he KNEW what I wanted more than once.

 

Honestly this whole thing is a mess, I wish I never even spoke to him for my own sanity. The worst part is I acted nice throughout and got **** in return. That's what hurts the most; when you invest your all into something and don't get anything back. I wish people would at least appreciate one's efforts more.

[Buddhist]

For example, if I didn't speak to him for a long time he would message me saying something along the lines of "oh, I didn't mean to message you, it was someone else with the first letter of your name...". Why would he even bother doing such things if he didn't care and wasn't interested to some extent?

 

This is the romantic gesture upon which you are pinning hopes and dreams? Did you even read what he wrote? It wasn't some cryptic love note, it was an insult meant to infer that you aren't the only one.

 

This is what I don't understand. I don't think it's me that was the problem, just that he didn't want a relationship for now. That's why I left and will attempt to pursue someone else; once he's ready and wants me back he can do so.

 

I think you don't understand a lot of things. Things like when a guy is insulting you and when he's actually showing real interest. You seem to have those two things utterly confused. I can't even get onboard with your train of thought, it's just so completely divorced from reality. Lets hope you dating some real people will help to straighten this out.

[arielgirl96]

Who says they even know?

He didn't seem the type to pursue a relationship. I know he didn't want one why I believe he did not have anyone. He said on multiple occasions that he does not believe in relationships. And I know he's hurting now that I left him, because he acted very hostile and made fun of me when I last spoke to him.

 

He was socially awkward and insecure about himself, I could tell, and told me he'd been rejected by women in the past. I don't see any attributes in him that others would find attractive. He would message me everyday and talk to me over phone at first. I am almost 99% sure he did not have anyone in his life. He would talk to me late every night and on weekends when he would most likely be with a woman. It just doesn't make sense that he would have anyone, as I mentioned in my OP, relationships aren't encouraged until marriage in our culture anyway. Plus, he was too busy in his degree and studies to pursue anyone in real life, hence why he spoke to me I guess.

[arielgirl96]

This is the romantic gesture upon which you are pinning hopes and dreams? Did you even read what he wrote? It wasn't some cryptic love note, it was an insult meant to infer that you aren't the only one.

 

 

 

I think you don't understand a lot of things. Things like when a guy is insulting you and when he's actually showing real interest. You seem to have those two things utterly confused. I can't even get onboard with your train of thought, it's just so completely divorced from reality. Lets hope you dating some real people will help to straighten this out.

No, no, you don't get it. It wasn't meant as an insult. It was his way of flirting and checking up on me, acting as if he "didn't mean" to message me when he did. He's just too proud to admit he wanted to talk to me (even though I don't know why he did it, we were past that point, he is so weird). There is no way you can mistake it when you open up the chat and see my name at the top. I know he was lying when he said and said all those things because he cared and was worried about me. In addition, I have dated real-life men in the past.

 

The thing no one I speak to about this seems to understand is the only reason I held onto and waited around for this POS is that our circumstance is so unique; I never thought I'd find someone from my culture with such specific attributes in common with me. It's really like what, this is so strange, this must be a dream or something. And as I mentioned before, he didn't have anyone else in his life.

Edited May 27, 2016 by arielgirl96

[d0nnivain]

You seem like a sweet person with a big heart & a lot of love to give. Don't regret the experience because it taught you a lot. You now know that it's best to guard your heart until you meet in person & that not everybody is trustworthy. If you have learned those valuable lessons, you will be able to make better choices about your romantic future going forward. Sadly experience is a brutal teacher & you have learned that lesson the hard way. But don't let it defeat you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps I missed this detail somewhere, but did you ever speak to him on webcam?

[arielgirl96]

You seem like a sweet person with a big heart & a lot of love to give. Don't regret the experience because it taught you a lot. You now know that it's best to guard your heart until you meet in person & that not everybody is trustworthy. If you have learned those valuable lessons, you will be able to make better choices about your romantic future going forward. Sadly experience is a brutal teacher & you have learned that lesson the hard way. But don't let it defeat you.

 

Thank you very much for your kind words. This experience did teach me, you are very right and wise in saying that. I do know now to not give my heart and emotional investment away easily to just anyone. Yes, I hope one day I come across someone who is willing to give me as much as I do them. I most certainly will not let it defeat me and will move forward; I appreciate your advice beyond words <3.

[coolheadal]

There are others who would give you that just have to be patient for it to happen. Those who can't commit for reasons we just can't even think of because your not with this guy 24/7 where he lives. Don't get lured into the sparkle of fantasy love. Because the end result not what you expect.

[lazcas]

When a man tells a woman he doesn't want a relationship with her she has to believe it, love herself and walk away. Being needy only brings dismay.