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I'd appreciate your sincere thoughts.


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SilverEssence

My boyfriend of 1 and a half years confessed that when he had gone for work to a certain city one year ago.. he actually didn't go to that city, but a different one in the same country, for the same purpose - work. I can't tolerate a lie and to top it off, I am confused. I kept asking what he could possibly gain by lying to me about his location at the time, and his answer wasn't clear - all he kept saying was that what his friends told him regarding me, us, had affected him.... (We were having issues).. But that's it, nothing clearer than that. I don't understand why would someone lie, unless they have an actual reason to, and even then lying is just wrong. I asked him if he was another with another girl and if that was the reason for his lie, and he said no, and he even accepted that God is his witness to that.

 

My question here is - what should I think? I really did try to get him to answer me enough for it to actually make sense, but he kept saying he didn't know what to answer, that it was a long time ago and he doesn't recall what led him to do so, and kept saying he has already told me the answer. It felt like I was just bouncing a ball at a wall.

 

Can anyone tell me why would someone lie about their location for just work? Even if we weren't okay, what's there to lie about such a trivial thing? It simply does NOT make sense. And if it's possible for him to do such, it has him coming off capable of lying about bigger things.

 

Incase you are wondering why he suddenly told me today after about a year... My thoughts are... Things were rocky with us for a while so he probably didn't find a right time and didn't want to cause more stress.. Secondly, today we were having a conversation about truth and wanted to go over some things.. and before we could, he told me this.. So perhaps he felt it was the opportune moment to come clean.

 

I just don't know whether to let this slide or to not accept this.. At least if his reason for that lie made sense I could actually think over it.. But it doesn't even make sense and he isn't helping... So you can imagine how I feel.

 

FYI, we have a LDR.

 

Oh, and when he heard and felt my reaction over it today over the phone.. He was sorry about that.

 

I trusted him.. It's very unpleasant to know he casually lied, that too when there was absolutely no reason for him to.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stand it when something doesn't make sense. I'd like to think that I am not overreacting, I have a right to feel these mixed emotions.

 

Unless he brought this up to test my reaction.. To see if I still care.. I don't know.

 

I have 2 options - to drop it and move on to what we wanted to talk over.. Or declare it over in my heart and move on..

 

He lied.. It's possible he could have lied about other things too.. Though he did say all else was truth, without my asking.

 

I'd appreciate if you could shed some light on this.

 

Thank you.

 

P.S. Earlier I had referred to our conversation of that time (about a year ago).. And he actually lied once he had gotten back to his hometown city.. Which makes it even stranger and hard to make sense of. When he had been out of town for that work and we were texting.. At the time he had simply said he was out of his hometown place. But once he got back is when he lied about the exact location? It's so weird.

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A rocky LDR where you now know he lied to you is a problem. Do you have an end to the LDR in sight? How confident are you that this was a one time aberration & he's truly remorseful? All in all it sounds like more trouble then its worth. Especially in an LDR without trust you have nothing.

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Lois_Griffin
I asked him if he was another with another girl and if that was the reason for his lie, and he said no, and he even accepted that God is his witness to that.

LOL. Most cheaters will swear on their own children's lives, their mother's lives, and their saintly grandmother's lives that they're true blue.

 

Swearing to God means absolutely NOTHING.

 

Do yourself a favor and step back from the computer and find a real flesh and blood person with some integrity. You're wasting your time.

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SilverEssence

I appreciate both of your inputs.

 

I was thinking in bed last night and I recalled some things he said on the phone yesterday: the place that he said he was at, he actually was there for some time/days (I didn't hear that bit well), but after that he hid his next location and didn't tell me... Because of his reason that he was affected by what his friends told him about us/me. And I guess he didn't mention this omission to me once he got back to his hometown was because like he said.. he knew I would ask questions, doubt, etc. and things between us weren't A-OK as it is.

 

While for me, omission is close to a lie in certain matters.. When I think over this, it doesn't really seem like an actual lie. And no, it's not any sort of denial talking. I am just working it out realistically. He's been very devoted and has made a couple of sacrifices just so that our relationship would remain, so that he wouldn't lose me. I know because I have shared this relationship with him, though it be LD.

 

I don't know though how confident I am now on whether if he hasn't lied/hidden anything else. As for him feeling remorseful, I think he must have been, else why would it still be in him a year later and him feel the need to tell me? But yesterday on the call, I didn't quite sense much remorse, but again it's not always easy to tell over the phone. However, I think if there was less remorse yesterday it was probably because we have bigger issues at hand and he has been upset with me and has a lot of questions in mind, not to mention what he confessed was of something of a year ago that too nothing really wrong (like infidelity for instance).

 

Yes, we had plans to put our meeting and being together in real once things calmed down and resolved between us. I know we would have worked our way towards making that happen.

 

I agree, trust is vital in a relationship, more so in a LDR. Honestly, I just don't exactly know what to feel or think presently. It fluctuates, quite frankly. On one hand, I can't handle omissions, because they are relative to a lie, and I can't tolerate a lie, even if this didn't classify as an actual 'lie'. On the other, looking at it from a realistic perspective and having pieced the things together, it doesn't seem all that bad and I would rather us overcome this than throw it all over it.

 

I am just somewhat confused on what to do here-on. I like things to make sense. Could either of you shed some light on why a man would hide his location because his friends words regarding us/me affected him? I don't entirely get that. I get why he didn't tell me after he got back even if he wanted to. I get that because I know how our situation was at the time.. But what I don't understand is why someone would omit/lie about his whereabouts that too for the kind of reason that he gave? He seriously did not have any clearer answer than that. I kept asking, but no. It completely pulled us off track from the conversation we were hoping to have yesterday.

 

Also, he and I have a lot of faith in God, so when we state that He is our witness to something, it's not something we are treating lightly.

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He knows why he did what did.

 

How could he not know?

 

He just doesn't want to tell you.

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SilverEssence
He knows why he did what did.

 

How could he not know?

 

He just doesn't want to tell you.

 

Thank you, Satu.

 

Sure, that crossed my mind.

 

But, why would he then fess up to his omission but not give me the reason behind it, a reason that actually makes sense? Why just leave it halfway? It's like a half-truth.

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ExpatInItaly
Thank you, Satu.

 

Sure, that crossed my mind.

 

But, why would he then fess up to his omission but not give me the reason behind it, a reason that actually makes sense? Why just leave it halfway? It's like a half-truth.

 

It's probably because he lost courage to tell you the complete truth. Perhaps he intended to come clean and just couldn't. Maybe he saw how upset you were and didn't have the cojones to add to that by filling in the blanks.

 

There's something he isn't telling you. I would not believe for one moment that he just "doesn't know why" he lied. Of course he does. Unless he's got some totally bizarre mental disorder, there is a reason behind this seemingly random lie. And it's not because of his friends words - I would laugh in his face for expecting me to believe that. And then I would demand that he have enough respect for me to tell me the truth, whatever that is.

 

A couple guesses: he's visited someone in this place and is hiding her; he's involved in some sort of activity that isn't entirely above-board. Some combination of the two.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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You want a man who operates by his own mind. You don't want a boy who has to run his relationships by his committee of friends. That doesn't work. Too many people have a say-so in something that isn't fit for them to weigh in on.

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coolheadal

There is nothing wrong with LDR way most can't find someone in the real word because we're strangers to each other. Here we all talk with our minds and hearts so technicality speaking we are real through our minds not through our eyes. This guy you have lied about his location for several reasons. What happen if he lied about his age, being bald instead of having hair. You have to consider what you would put up with or compromise. How about this he has lied who is and turned out to be something else. That's one for books. I usually end such things if that happen unless how you really feel for them? It seems you really are deeply into this guy. The way you type so much about him shows me you are.

Edited by coolheadal
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It's probably because he lost courage to tell you the complete truth. Perhaps he intended to come clean and just couldn't. Maybe he saw how upset you were and didn't have the cojones to add to that by filling in the blanks.

 

There's something he isn't telling you. I would not believe for one moment that he just "doesn't know why" he lied. Of course he does. Unless he's got some totally bizarre mental disorder, there is a reason behind this seemingly random lie. And it's not because of his friends words - I would laugh in his face for expecting me to believe that. And then I would demand that he have enough respect for me to tell me the truth, whatever that is.

 

A couple guesses: he's visited someone in this place and is hiding her; he's involved in some sort of activity that isn't entirely above-board. Some combination of the two.

 

I agree with what Expat in Italy said, there is something he isn't telling you. . If things have been rocky between you both he knows that if he tells you the whole truth you will most likely not want anything to do with him.

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People who do things in secret know they shouldn't be doing what they are doing......

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I don't think you should tolerate deception in ANY relationship, much less a LDR where trust is paramount. There is nothing wrong with a LDR, but there is a LOT wrong with being in a LDR with a liar.

 

Leave IMO.

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You either get to the bottom of it, or you get out of the relationship. I promise you nothing good will come out of it. It will never leave your mind. And it will come up in conversation time and time again.

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SilverEssence

Wow. Thank you all, very much, for your honest feedback. Your thoughts are appreciated. I do wish to get back to some of what you have all said and I intend on doing so later, Lord-willing. Meanwhile, I quickly need your thoughts on my next move as I hope to implement it as soon as possible.

 

I do completely agree - it's important to get to the bottom of it, and you have no idea how badly I want to.

 

It's sickening of a feeling to say this, but when on the phone with him the other day I was pretty much going in circles trying to make sense of his reason thus my question became repetitive and his answer remained the same with something along the lines of "I don't remember well" now and then. I really didn't feel good having to be in that position.

 

I don't mind admitting it, but I do feel like crying sometimes when I think of this. I didn't expect this. I was hoping we would have our civil talk regarding some questions we had for one another and then once that was cleared I would let things work themselves out there-on. But before we could even get to the aim of that conversation, he brought this confession and I couldn't help myself but naturally react. I just couldn't be non-chalant about it.. and you pretty much get and know the rest.

 

While I would like to speak with him about it once again and have him explain, I don't wish to risk speaking with him about it trying to get the truth or the whole truth if it's just going to pan out the same way again, because what's the point and my self-respect will end up taking a hit. If I was certain he would explain himself better, I would, but I am not certain and I don't wish to deal with his non co-operativeness. I know how our conversation on the phone went the other day and I just know if we speak over this again without my giving answers to the questions he has in his mind, it won't turn out positively.. and should I answer his questions it's still risky because there is a possibility he may end up saying the same thing when I try to dig in yet again for a reason to make sense behind his omission - and then how am I going to feel? Far from pleasant.

 

Instead, I have been drafting a final message to send to him with a hint of ultimatum if you will. To gist it up for you all.. It will mainly send this point across: I am done having to deal with it. It's his omission, his burden, not my cross to bear. If he ever wants to hear from me again, if he ever wants me in his life at all, even as a friend, he is going to have to earn back my trust and the only way for him to do so is to start off by coming clean about his elision(s) and the reason(s) behind them.

 

What are your thoughts on this move of mine? Also, any other suggestions? Do you feel I should just speak to him instead? (Though I have already explained that it may just prove futile - I could be wrong, but it's a risk I would be taking and I know that I do not deserve to put myself through that after the way he has been treating me recently.. I deserve to be treated with respect. So I would rather not risk it).

 

Thank you all, once again.

 

Be well.

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...by coming clean about his elision(s)...

 

What in heck is an "elision?"

 

Best,

TMichaels

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SilverEssence
He knows why he did what did.

 

How could he not know?

 

He just doesn't want to tell you.

Wow. Thank you all, very much, for your honest feedback. Your thoughts are appreciated. I do wish to get back to some of what you have all said and I intend on doing so later, Lord-willing. Meanwhile, I quickly need your thoughts on my next move as I hope to implement it as soon as possible.

 

I do completely agree - it's important to get to the bottom of it, and you have no idea how badly I want to.

 

It's sickening of a feeling to say this, but when on the phone with him the other day I was pretty much going in circles trying to make sense of his reason thus my question became repetitive and his answer remained the same with something along the lines of "I don't remember well" now and then. I really didn't feel good having to be in that position.

 

I don't mind admitting it, but I do feel like crying sometimes when I think of this. I didn't expect this. I was hoping we would have our civil talk regarding some questions we had for one another and then once that was cleared I would let things work themselves out there-on. But before we could even get to the aim of that conversation, he brought this confession and I couldn't help myself but naturally react. I just couldn't be non-chalant about it.. and you pretty much get and know the rest.

 

While I would like to speak with him about it once again and have him explain, I don't wish to risk speaking with him about it trying to get the truth or the whole truth if it's just going to pan out the same way again, because what's the point and my self-respect will end up taking a hit. If I was certain he would explain himself better, I would, but I am not certain and I don't wish to deal with his non co-operativeness. I know how our conversation on the phone went the other day and I just know if we speak over this again without my giving answers to the questions he has in his mind, it won't turn out positively.. and should I answer his questions it's still risky because there is a possibility he may end up saying the same thing when I try to dig in yet again for a reason to make sense behind his omission - and then how am I going to feel? Far from pleasant.

 

Instead, I have been drafting a final message to send to him with a hint of ultimatum if you will. To gist it up for you all.. It will mainly send this point across: I am done having to deal with it. It's his omission, his burden, not my cross to bear. If he ever wants to hear from me again, if he ever wants me in his life at all, even as a friend, he is going to have to earn back my trust and the only way for him to do so is to start off by coming clean about his elision(s) and the reason(s) behind them.

 

What are your thoughts on this move of mine? Also, any other suggestions? Do you feel I should just speak to him instead? (Though I have already explained that it may just prove futile - I could be wrong, but it's a risk I would be taking and I know that I do not deserve to put myself through that after the way he has been treating me recently.. I deserve to be treated with respect. So I would rather not risk it).

 

Thank you all, once again.

 

Be well.

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SilverEssence

ExpatInItaly, kendahke, coolheadal, lazcas, smackie9, Elswyth, JuiceBox

 

Wow. Thank you all, very much, for your honest feedback. Your thoughts are appreciated. I do wish to get back to some of what you have all said and I intend on doing so later, Lord-willing. Meanwhile, I quickly need your thoughts on my next move as I hope to implement it as soon as possible.

 

I do completely agree - it's important to get to the bottom of it, and you have no idea how badly I want to.

 

It's sickening of a feeling to say this, but when on the phone with him the other day I was pretty much going in circles trying to make sense of his reason thus my question became repetitive and his answer remained the same with something along the lines of "I don't remember well" now and then. I really didn't feel good having to be in that position.

 

I don't mind admitting it, but I do feel like crying sometimes when I think of this. I didn't expect this. I was hoping we would have our civil talk regarding some questions we had for one another and then once that was cleared I would let things work themselves out there-on. But before we could even get to the aim of that conversation, he brought this confession and I couldn't help myself but naturally react. I just couldn't be non-chalant about it.. and you pretty much get and know the rest.

 

While I would like to speak with him about it once again and have him explain, I don't wish to risk speaking with him about it trying to get the truth or the whole truth if it's just going to pan out the same way again, because what's the point and my self-respect will end up taking a hit. If I was certain he would explain himself better, I would, but I am not certain and I don't wish to deal with his non co-operativeness. I know how our conversation on the phone went the other day and I just know if we speak over this again without my giving answers to the questions he has in his mind, it won't turn out positively.. and should I answer his questions it's still risky because there is a possibility he may end up saying the same thing when I try to dig in yet again for a reason to make sense behind his omission - and then how am I going to feel? Far from pleasant.

 

Instead, I have been drafting a final message to send to him with a hint of ultimatum if you will. To gist it up for you all.. It will mainly send this point across: I am done having to deal with it. It's his omission, his burden, not my cross to bear. If he ever wants to hear from me again, if he ever wants me in his life at all, even as a friend, he is going to have to earn back my trust and the only way for him to do so is to start off by coming clean about his elision(s) and the reason(s) behind them.

 

What are your thoughts on this move of mine? Also, any other suggestions? Do you feel I should just speak to him instead? (Though I have already explained that it may just prove futile - I could be wrong, but it's a risk I would be taking and I know that I do not deserve to put myself through that after the way he has been treating me recently.. I deserve to be treated with respect. So I would rather not risk it).

 

Thank you all, once again.

 

Be well.

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ExpatInItaly

If I were you, I would take what you have written and instead ask to meet him on webcam (or in person, if at all possible) and say it to his face. I feel if you write it, it will give him too much to think about and concoct some other bizarre excuse. For your own sanity, I think it will be important to watch his reaction closely.

 

I would not mention to him beforehand that you want to speak about this again.

 

Honestly, I don't think I could stay with someone who lies like this, whatever his reasoning is. It would tell me he is capable of deceiving me which shakes the very foundation of a relationship. If we are playing his game that his friends somehow influenced him to lie (which is a total crock, in my opinion) then it's still serious - how can you trust a man who goes along with whatever his friends tell him, over you?

 

Out of curiosity, you mentioned that you two had had a discussion about honesty and lies. What prompted this? Have there been other instances in the past? Also, what "words" does he claim his friends told him that convinced him to lie to you about where he was?

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I agree with ExpatInItaly. I'd write it so that I could have my thoughts lined up and work out what it is that I mean to say to him, but I wouldn't send that email to him. This is a conversation you need to have looking in his face, be it in person or Skype/Facetime. You need to be able to judge his reaction in real time and as ExPat said, the email will give him time to formulate his next lie to you.

 

Other than that, I'd just recommend stopping all communication with him, blocking him and going on with his life. If it bothers him enough, he will make the necessary moves to find out what's wrong. I dare say that he will just let it slide which will undermine your though processes of "fighting for us", which is what you are doing and is quite futile. No one should have to fight for anything if their heart and intentions are in it 100%.

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