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Hi there. My boyfriend and I are in a LDR relationship and we have been for over a year and I love him to bits. We had the most perfect relationship, always Skyping, calling and we'd talk to eachother constantly and he'd make me feel so special. :( For the past 5 months however my boyfriend has been seriously depressed and stressed, I mean seriously depressed. He takes meds for it and they seem to be helping a bit but he has a new job which means he works all day long and he comes home exhausted and only being able to stay awake for 20ish minutes to talk to me. Having an 8 hour time difference too means this is really painful for me and I am still adjusting. He messages when he can at work or school and this will be just one or two messages until the morning (my time) where we speak for about 15-30 minutes depending on how tired he is. He is exhausted constantly, and being depressed aswell he can be very distant. His sex drive has also completely disappeared and we haven't done anything remotely sexual in these 5 months because he says he literally has no sex drive and he gets defensive and upset when I mention it.

 

I have every right to trust him because he has never hurt me or given me a reason not to. I do try so hard to help his stress and comfort him but I miss the time we have together, I miss Skyping/calling a lot and I miss the attention and affection he used to give to me such as compliments. I want to know that he still loves me because sometimes he acts so uninterested and bored of me. I'm not sure what to do about this, as I obviously love him and miss that sexual connection and time we had. He calls when he can and messages when he can but we haven't Skyped in months and I'm worried he has stopped loving me. I don't know if it's his long hours or stress that is causing his sex drive to disappear and push me out sometimes but I could really do with some support and advice about both how to deal with the very little time we have together, how to stop feeling like I'm the reason he doesn't want to do anything sexual (it is making me feel so unwanted and unattractive) and how to help his stress. It seems like this problem is never ending and I am upset a lot. I don't want to ever leave him and I wish things would go back to normal. Sorry if this is long. Thank you in advance.

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unexpected

I'm sorry to hear about your heartache. LDR's can be very difficult, if not downright defeating, to our personal emotions. Only you know what is right for you. I've scoured the internet reading things about what is the acceptable amounts of communication, how often, what format, etc. Everyone has an opinion and it usually differs. I also think that age is a factor. If you are very young then it is easier to get tied into an emotional pretzel over things that happen in any relationship, let alone an LDR.

 

I am 44 and have been in an LDR (kind of) for 7 months. There have been times when we talk a lot (every day). There have been times when due to life's circumstances for either of us where we don't hear from one another for days (4 - 7). The question is, is that enough for me? Is that enough for her? Only we can decide that. I say we are kind of in an LDR because we both have an agreement - we can live our lives by going out and participating in social gatherings, meeting other people of the opposite sex, etc (as this is very important in an LDR). If we meet somebody local and something serious begins to develop, we are in a trusting obligation to let one another know. If we are both telling each other that we still want to be #1 in each others lives, then we have to trust that. It's all you have, really, in an LDR. I'm comfortable with that arrangement because I'm recently divorced and don't want to run quickly into another serious day to day relationship. Having an LDR interest keeps me from going crazy in the local dating market, making me take my time. So, either way, I end up with my LDR in the future or I end up with someone locally that I take my time getting to know because I know that moving forward with the local relationship in a serious way will end my LDR.

 

My point is, that is what works for me. The question you should be asking yourself is what do YOU want? This does NOT mean making up an unreal scenario and choosing it. Of the realistic scenarios you have in front of you what do YOU want? Does your LDR work for you? Or, does it leave you sad and miserable more often than it leaves you happy? If that is the case, are you okay with that? If you are young, do you want to waste your youth on being sad and miserable? One of the hardest things to do in life is to take an HONEST look at our situation and see it for what it is versus how we WANT it to be. Once we see it for what it is, we then have the information needed to choose whether we really want it or not.

 

My suggestion would be to quit contacting him for 7 days - no matter how badly you want to. See if he reaches out to you. If not, he probably isn't interested in the LDR anymore and only responds to you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. That would be cowardly on his part, but be the bigger person and give him the option to bow out gracefully. You do that when you leave him the option to come to you. If he doesn't, it's his 'graceful' way of saying goodbye.

 

Never be emotionally dependent on anyone else but yourself. Giving your emotional dependence over to someone else is giving away your power. Don't do that!

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MomLeslieM

I'm so sorry this is going on....depression and stress can make someone exhausted and definitely impact sex drive too. Been there - and recovered. Has he seen a doctor lately? Maybe his meds need to be adjusted since he has so much going on. Moving, a new job, all are really stressful. Try to do your best to love and support him and give him the encouragement he needs. It sounds like he still loves you if he's calling and messaging often, what happens when you try to Skype him? Does he know you miss Skyping together? Let him know that you want to see his precious face once in awhile and see what happens. Maybe you could go visit him where he is now? Above all just be there for him if he's who you want to be with right now.

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I'm sorry to hear about your heartache. LDR's can be very difficult, if not downright defeating, to our personal emotions. Only you know what is right for you. I've scoured the internet reading things about what is the acceptable amounts of communication, how often, what format, etc. Everyone has an opinion and it usually differs. I also think that age is a factor. If you are very young then it is easier to get tied into an emotional pretzel over things that happen in any relationship, let alone an LDR.

 

I am 44 and have been in an LDR (kind of) for 7 months. There have been times when we talk a lot (every day). There have been times when due to life's circumstances for either of us where we don't hear from one another for days (4 - 7). The question is, is that enough for me? Is that enough for her? Only we can decide that. I say we are kind of in an LDR because we both have an agreement - we can live our lives by going out and participating in social gatherings, meeting other people of the opposite sex, etc (as this is very important in an LDR). If we meet somebody local and something serious begins to develop, we are in a trusting obligation to let one another know. If we are both telling each other that we still want to be #1 in each others lives, then we have to trust that. It's all you have, really, in an LDR. I'm comfortable with that arrangement because I'm recently divorced and don't want to run quickly into another serious day to day relationship. Having an LDR interest keeps me from going crazy in the local dating market, making me take my time. So, either way, I end up with my LDR in the future or I end up with someone locally that I take my time getting to know because I know that moving forward with the local relationship in a serious way will end my LDR.

 

My point is, that is what works for me. The question you should be asking yourself is what do YOU want? This does NOT mean making up an unreal scenario and choosing it. Of the realistic scenarios you have in front of you what do YOU want? Does your LDR work for you? Or, does it leave you sad and miserable more often than it leaves you happy? If that is the case, are you okay with that? If you are young, do you want to waste your youth on being sad and miserable? One of the hardest things to do in life is to take an HONEST look at our situation and see it for what it is versus how we WANT it to be. Once we see it for what it is, we then have the information needed to choose whether we really want it or not.

 

My suggestion would be to quit contacting him for 7 days - no matter how badly you want to. See if he reaches out to you. If not, he probably isn't interested in the LDR anymore and only responds to you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. That would be cowardly on his part, but be the bigger person and give him the option to bow out gracefully. You do that when you leave him the option to come to you. If he doesn't, it's his 'graceful' way of saying goodbye.

 

Never be emotionally dependent on anyone else but yourself. Giving your emotional dependence over to someone else is giving away your power. Don't do that!

 

Thank you for the response :) this relationship is definitely what I want and I think sometimes it's my overthinking that makes me sad in this relationship but I will think as you suggested. I also liked the last bit about never being emotionally dependent on anyone but yourself, thanks :)

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I'm so sorry this is going on....depression and stress can make someone exhausted and definitely impact sex drive too. Been there - and recovered. Has he seen a doctor lately? Maybe his meds need to be adjusted since he has so much going on. Moving, a new job, all are really stressful. Try to do your best to love and support him and give him the encouragement he needs. It sounds like he still loves you if he's calling and messaging often, what happens when you try to Skype him? Does he know you miss Skyping together? Let him know that you want to see his precious face once in awhile and see what happens. Maybe you could go visit him where he is now? Above all just be there for him if he's who you want to be with right now.

 

I really liked this response. I'm quite relieved to know that depressed can definitely affect sex drive as I thought I was the problem. I definitely agree with just being there to love and support him through the difficult time he is going through which I will do more and try not to be sad around him and dwell on things too much. Thanks for what you said about him still loving me as he still messages which made me feel better. He does want to Skype but he says he really doesn't have the time as his computer takes a while to start up, he comes home late, etc. So I suppose I'll just have to wait that one out but we do send the occasional picture of ourselves. We have discussed meeting also- we're going to save up and hopefully meet again this year. :)

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justwhoiam

I understand the situation as I had that going in my LDR for around 8 months. He had lost his job and along with that came feelings of not being able to land another (decent) job, with a 6-figure wage, partly because of his age too, feeling old. Also, many men get into long-term expensive loans to buy big houses and then strive. He also has kids to provide for, so he started having lots of fears and negative thinking.

 

Bottom line, he got into that depression tunnel and stayed on medication for a while in order to function somehow. I reacted being supportive, understanding, and giving him reality checks when I felt it was time to, and I even helped him effectively, creating spreadsheets, etc. Three months in, I got on a plane and visited him. He was like a wreck. He didn't want me to go there, he kept saying it was not worth it, etc. He tried to dissuade me from going there, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Once there, I could feel the loving was there, but the sexual drive was kind of affected. Medication played some trick on him. After a week though, we were able to make love and that was the best thing that could happen. Because he was not feeling confident, he was feeling bad, and afterwards the world looked somewhat better. In the time leading to that, we'd still be intimate and try to get out and do things together. But I could feel, the demons were still there. Eventually I had to go back home, and he sank into the tunnel again, but with the awareness that he had to start getting off medications. Which he did afterwards, as the doctor prescribed him to. Very slowly.

 

So, all in all, my best advice is, get on a plane and go there. If he's really so important as you claim. If he's the love of your life. Don't get lost in the petty things. Life is short.

Edited by justwhoiam
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Take the pressure off and give him his space. When you do communicate, focus on being supportive, and understanding to help him through the tough time he is going through. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own needs (temporarily of course) and put his first. Being strong and positive will get you both through this rough patch.

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