steveywonder Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 I've been seeing this girl for the past 3 months and approximately 2 months into the relationship she announced she would be headed to another country for work for approximately 3 months, with 12 hours time difference between us. We got on like a house on fire and the relationship did develop quickly, but at no point did it feel unnatural. Anyhow, in the weeks before she left, we had a short weekend holiday away, and numerous times assured me that she would definitely come back. She also agreed to keeping open channels of communication by texting and calling when we were free. Fast forward the end of the first week apart, she mentioned how she would seriously consider taking a job in the other country she is working in if the company offered her a position as the working conditions and lifestyle were so much better. When I asked what that meant for us if that happened (which I believe it would, as she is very good at what she does), she didn't really have an answer, except that it would be a long shot whether or not she would get a job (visas etc.), and mentioned I was exhausting her for making up a hypothetical situation. She also accused me of being too clingy and asking for validation all the time and calling / texting her in her first week. In my point of view, I was simply asking for clarification, and me wanting to talk to her in her first week was what we agreed in the first place. It ended in her saying she wanted to reassess our relationship and saying she wanted to hang up thereafter. We both said goodbye to each other without saying 'I love you' like we normally do. I don't know what I did wrong. I just wanted to keep an open channel of communication. She said she would definitely come back but she seems to have gone back on her word. We already agreed to see each other in 4 weeks' time (flights booked etc.). Any suggestions on my next move? I really love her but at the same time I want to protect my heart from getting broken as I have suffered from that in the past and it took me ages to recover. Appreciate any advice you guys and girls can give and also you viewpoints. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
lazcas Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 (edited) It doesn't seem like too much that you wanted to be in touch with her, you were showing your interest. Any woman would feel good that a man she is interested in is showing interest too. That fact makes me think that she isn't as interested in you as you are in her, now that she is in a new place she is finding new interests in different ways. It is not wrong of you to ask her about the relationship, you are invested and it is understandable that you want to know where it is heading. You can back off for a while and avoid contacting her too much, see how she reacts to that. If you are too available she won't appreciate you. Let her have the chance to miss you. Edited May 21, 2016 by lazcas Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 90 days in your opinion about her career or living situation doesn't carry much weight. For you to even imply that you get a say screamed needy, clingy & inappropriate to her. Your only move when she made the announcement would have been to say something like you wish her well, you understand that she has to do what's best for her but you kind of hope that she sees the value in what she has going for her where you are. Then you needed to hush on the subject. Even if asked your opinion, you were to repeat the above not gush about how much you wanted her to stay. Since you already have the tickets, go. Enjoy hew new city. Ask how she's liking it. Do not offer any opinions whatsoever about her career choices. It's really not your place. She can't be expected to give up a great job for some guy If and when this possibility becomes a reality, you can determine if you want an LDR or you want to be done because the situation is too much of a p.i.t.a. For now stop fighting about a hypothetical future & enjoy the present. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveywonder Posted May 21, 2016 Author Share Posted May 21, 2016 Thanks for the words of advice. Will keep my head low for the next few days and see what happens next. As an aside, even though I really love her, I feel emotionally prepared for her to break up with me over this for some reason. Perhaps I have realised I can't really hang onto every word that she says, and my subconscious is telling me to back away. For me, I would not be so careless with the words I use for the one I love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveywonder Posted May 23, 2016 Author Share Posted May 23, 2016 A day has passed since we last spoke and still no texts from her. I am not sure what to do... I have a feeling she may be considering a break up and feel terrible. Any words of advice? I don't want to send her any texts as I may risk pushing her further away if she thinks I am clingy... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2016 Share Posted May 23, 2016 Do you already have the tickets? I'd give it 72 hours (3 days) then send a text that counts down when you will see her again. Something like "looking forward to seeing you in 3 weeks! What have you got planned to show me in ___ (fill in name of city)?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveywonder Posted May 24, 2016 Author Share Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks for the suggestion d0nnivain. I did send an apology text to break the ice and clear the air yesterday. Seems I made the situation worse as it was during a busy day for her and she didn't respond well. In any case, I will leave her to her own devices for the rest of the week and hopefully she will come around when she is ready to talk. Everything I seem to do makes the situation worse and make her angry. I think she needs space to breathe. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflyflyaway Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 The quickest reply I could say: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Thing's that in relationships expectations are sometimes different. What feels clingy for her would be ideal for someone else and too little for one other. There is no problem with her wanting a better shot for her future, as you said, she deserves it and you shouldn't have hard feelings for her but be supporting. I really understand how you feel about needing confirmation, everyone can get a bit insecure with such changes. Try to take her to talk it over and find a solution and,mostly, elaborate on your feelings and be honest to her,as the opposite can lead to huge problems. Best wishes for you and hoping for the best outcome! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2016 Share Posted May 24, 2016 I did send an apology text to break the ice and clear the air yesterday. Seems I made the situation worse as it was during a busy day for her and she didn't respond well. In any case, I will leave her to her own devices for the rest of the week and hopefully she will come around when she is ready to talk. Everything I seem to do makes the situation worse and make her angry. I think she needs space to breathe. As much as I hate them, a text is the least invasive way to break the ice It's something somebody can deal with in their own time. People attach immediacy to texts that simply don't exist, IMO. So I'm concerned that she didn't receive the text well because she was busy. At this point I think all you can do is back off. Are the tickets refundable? Her reactions are counterproductive at best. Your only hope is to let her come to you. Anything else will be perceived as you pushing. Sorry. Had you asked I would have advised you not to send the apology text. First, texting is a lame lazy way to apologize. If you truly did something wrong, the apology that requires zero effort does not make up for whatever the transgression was. Second, true apologies when required should be in person or with flowers or at least a snail mail card -- effort is important. Do not do any of this now because at this point anything you do will be seen as invasive & making the situation worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveywonder Posted May 24, 2016 Author Share Posted May 24, 2016 Thank you Butterly and d0nnivain for taking the time to offer your suggestions. I am hoping she will come around eventually once the days have passed and everything is more settled. My flights are refundable but I am hoping it doesn't come to that - the trip is around 3 weeks away... Please wish me luck that this ends well.... Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 After being told you were being clingy and met with aggressiveness, you should have let her stew in her own juice. So yes, you definitely did the wrong thing when you contacted her again, and even with an apology! Heck, she should have come to you with an apology! You kiddin??! Now don't initiate contact no matter what. Until when can you get a refund? You've essentially been treating her like a girlfriend, when she made clear she's not your girlfriend and you're not her boyfriend. And with this situation going, I don't see why you planned to fly all the way there, when she's 12 hours away from you. Gee, you don't do that for some casual dating. What gives? That was too much for someone keeping you at a distance and planning her life on the other side of the world. Not a text or a call. She sounds like she's too much on her high horse. You are quite guaranteed to find better than that as soon as you get out of your home door. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 TBH I think she was taken aback by your response. You didn't jump and say you would relocate with her.... you left it in her lap instead. You being guarded has now made her question how much you truly love her. She's angry and hastily pushing you away by telling you are being clingy, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
JuiceBox Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 She either knows her life is moving on without you, or she's interested in someone else. If the connection was as real as you say...it doesn't just change over night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveywonder Posted May 30, 2016 Author Share Posted May 30, 2016 Thanks to justwhoiam, smackie9 & JuiceBox for your responses. I wanted to write a post to update you on the situation. To cut a very long story short, we both had a very long discussion about our thoughts and feelings and decided we would continue being together. During the period of silence, we did a lot of soul searching and during our discussion we identified several mechanisms in our behaviours which were causing our occasional arguments. Now that we've identified them, we will work on them and hoping to discuss the way forward when we meet in a few weeks. I think deep introspection and communication was key to us working things out. Again, I'd like to thank the loveshack community for their input during the tough week I had last week. It wasn't easy and the suggestions / advice that you guys spent time to type out was much appreciated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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