Is there even a chance for LDR?

[hechicera]

This is the story. As of late, I've been on this online dating site and got in touch with this guy, it called my attention that this guy was from a different country in a different continent, a place that has been intriguing me for some time and that I've been planning to visit sometime soon. In this particular site, the matches it gives are within a short radius from where you are. When I started communicating with him, he asked me what I was looking for and I told him nothing specific, just looking to meet people and see where it goes without any expectations, he then tells me that he is in my city only for a couple of days and said that he wasn't looking for something serious, just have some fun times and asked if it was a deal breaker for me to what I answered no. I honestly wasn't thinking beyond meeting him and I suggested going for lunch on a monday, knowing that my time was limited and I couldn't hang out for too long, he wanted to meet in the evening so that we had more time, but since it was our first time meeting I like to keep it short and insisted on the lunch to make sure he is who he said he was and to make sure that there was a connection... well, there was. We meet in a restaurant for lunch and had a good conversation and a great time, I ended up dropping him off at his hotel and going home after an hour and a half. He was a gentleman and I honestly couldn't wait to see him again, so we planned to go for a drink the next day. So we meet the next day and I show him around the city (it was his first time here) and take him to a bar for a drink, we continue to have interesting conversation and later in the night I take him to a beautiful view of the city on top of a hill and we end up kissing. From there he suggested we go somewhere else, so we go to his hotel room and I spent the night. At this point, I was having such a good time with him and had a connection like I've never had before so I was ok with going further and it was a conscious decision. Well, we didn't sleep all night so I knew most of the next day we would be sleeping and the day after he was leaving, so when I said good bye then in my mind that was probably the last time I was going to see him and who knows if probably the last time I hear from him again. Well, he texted me to make sure I got home ok, he texted me through the day and we continued to talk that next day, he said that he was sorry I missed an appointment I had because he felt it was his fault and when I said that it was worth it he said he couldn't agree more. By this time I'm starting to feel sad he is leaving the next day and I bring up that if he has time, I'd love to see him one more time before he leaves and I didn't even mind taking him to the airport. He said that he thought that was a great idea and that he was going to bring it up (to meet again before he left) but he was afraid it would be awkward for me. The next day I meet him again, we go for breakfast and go around other areas of the city and I take him to the airport. He got checked in and I offered to stay for a bit before he had to go through security, so we sit in a restaurant and have serious conversations, that's when I told him I had been married before and I had a child and that's when he told me that he had been on a relationship for 13 years and it ended a year ago, he said he was over it just sad that it ended. When it was about time for us to say good bye, he got really serious, I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was sad. I told him that even if I never saw him again, he was going to be someone special for me. He said that there's a saying that people meet twice implying that we might meet again. We kissed good bye right before he went to security and I left the airport with this heaviness in my heart. I know it was such a short time, but I've never met anyone like him and I surely developed feelings for him. I cried on my way home from the airport. Before he left he said that if it wasn't too awkward for me, that we should keep in touch and added me on Facebook. We talked when he was at his stop and he texted me when he got to his final destination to let me know he got there well. Since then, the conversations have been less frequent, I know he had a presentation to give this week that was causing him stress even since he was here and he had told me that he dedicated days and nights to this presentation, so I know for a fact that he was busy but I was the one contacting him all this week (like every 2-3 days), he did answer all of my texts in a timely manner. Right now I don't know what to think. I clearly have feelings for this guy, it seemed to be reciprocal when he was here, he is so kind and caring towards me I'd like to think he has to feel something too, but I'm concerned first because I don't really know how he feels, where does this take us and if there is even a slight possibility of us starting a relationship. I was planning to go to his city even before I met him, so I know there's a good chance we'd have the opportunity to meet again. When he was here he initially mentioned that he was not going to apply for jobs in the US again(he used to live here before) but then the last day we met he said that he was walking in the city and thought it was really nice and it made him reconsider that statement about moving to the US and he said maybe he should start applying for jobs here, not sure if he really meant it. Also most of his 13 yr relationship was long distance as he had moved a few times during that time and they only lived together for a year or so. At this point I would think that if he wanted to consider something more serious with me he would bring it up, but also he kept implying that he was afraid to bring things up because I could have felt awkward. I know he was very clear at the beginning that he didn't want anything serious, but all this took us both by surprise. My very close friend is advising me to tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid. I know very well that I could not see this guy again in my life and if that's the case, I'd still not regret a single thing, those 4 days I shared with him are going to be very special for me and even though it hurts I wouldn't change anything. How do a LDR even start? I don't want to bring it up but should I share my feelings? Should I just continue the way things are and see if he says anything? See if he starts more conversations now that his presentation is over? I miss him so much

[coolheadal]

You had this all thought-out but hard to read but I had taken the time to read your love story. So nice but I am confused here where did he travel too you never said? Are you in a position to keep him with you always? Love hits us right in the face and sometimes we just don't follow through. LDR is okay but in time you going to want to be with that person always. You can't touch that person, can't kiss or hug. You can text, you can call, you can skype that's it for now until 3D holographic tech becomes mainstream in a couple years. LOL

 

Sounds like you said he was looking for work didn't have job? Like I had said if you have the means then bring to you. If he doesn't have the Visas and such you would need to make sure he had them. Lot of to keep someone here. I am glad you have had a nice time with him. But is he really over the prior relationship though. You got to make sure and don't want to end up as one-night stand week. Doesn't sound like that happen but now your not with him and you did what most would do at the airport. True love right there! LDR is good for a few months but I can't see them going on for years and some just like to text their life away. I done LDR myself I just count the months away myself. I tried looking local but the women seem to lie worst to me too. Your in a good position yourself if you love this guy and you seem you really do then go after him and bring him back to you where you live. That's one way. If he's hiding a secret you will learn the truth too. I tell all those I am LDR with to tell me the truth some do and some don't in time they do. LDR is not for some so you need to know it's not relationship though it's more fantasy love. They can cheat on you and you really don't know what they're doing 24/7. Since your not really there to watch them. If they're truly into then you would know they're stay true to you. I don't see this guy asking you for money or things so that's a good sign there.

Edited May 20, 2016 by coolheadal

[hechicera]

Thank you for taking the time to read it! I realized it was hard to read, I didn't want to make it extremely long and I missed important info but again thanks for reading and for your reply.

 

Some clarifications- I live in the US, he lives in Europe. He was in the US for a conference, he has a good job in Europe and I have a good job here, his job requires him to change every few years so that's the reason he moves a lot and he mentioned looking for jobs in the US because in a few years he'll have to change again. I have joked many times about moving to his city long before I even met him, I've been intrigued by this place for some time and I don't even know if it's a sign lol but it's not impossible for me to move to where he lives. I know long distance is not ideal, you want to be with the person, but realistically speaking, I developed feelings for this guy too soon and even though we had a lot of conversations and got to know a lot from each other, we can't say that we really do, so the thought in my mind is if we would be both willing to, continue this relationship to get to know each other better, probably meet a few more times which is not too hard since we both can travel and if it does work out then make plans for the future to live closer or together. I know that's a stretch considering how it all started and how little time it's been, but that's what I'd really want, it's going to be hard for me to keep dating here because I have met many people here and no one has stimulated me intellectually like he did and thats important to me, he is smart above average among many other qualities and we had a connection like I've never had before (we're both 34 btw). And a lot of the things he has told me I've confirmed, I am very skeptical at the beginning since it's online dating and I try to make sure they are not lying for security purposes, I understand he can lie about other things and even have a gf and not say so, but I don't get that vibe from him and I have him on Facebook and it's very apparent that he is single and everything he has told me is true.

[basil67]

If you want more responses, I suggest you use paragraph breaks. The wall of text is very hard to read

[hechicera]

I met a guy online from Europe who was in my city (in the US) for a conference. In this particular site, the matches it gives are within a short radius from where you are. When I started communicating with him, he asked me what I was looking for and I told him nothing specific, just looking to meet people and see where it goes without any expectations, he then tells me he wasn't looking for something serious, just have some fun times since he was only here for a few days and asked if it was a deal breaker for me to what I answered no.

 

I suggested going for lunch on a monday, knowing that my time was limited and I couldn't hang out for too long. We meet in a restaurant for lunch and had a good conversation and a great time. He was a gentleman and I honestly couldn't wait to see him again, so we planned to go for a drink the next day.

 

The next day I show him around the city (it was his first time here) and take him to a bar for a drink, we continue to have interesting conversation and later in the night I take him to a beautiful view of the city on top of a hill and we end up kissing. From there he suggested we go somewhere else, so we go to his hotel room and I spent the night. At this point, I was having such a good time with him and had a connection like I've never had before so I was ok with going further and it was a conscious decision.

 

Well, we didn't sleep all night so I knew most of the next day we would be sleeping and the day after he was leaving, so when I said good bye I thought it would be for the last time. He texted me to make sure I got home ok, he texted me through the day and we continued to talk that next day, he said that he was sorry I missed an appointment I had because he felt it was his fault and when I said that it was worth it he said he couldn't agree more. By this time I'm starting to feel sad he is leaving the next day and I bring up that if he has time, I'd love to see him one more time before he leaves and I didn't even mind taking him to the airport. He said that he thought that was a great idea and that he was going to bring it up (to meet again before he left) but he was afraid it would be awkward for me.

 

The next day I meet him again, we go for breakfast and go around other areas of the city and I take him to the airport. He got checked in and I offered to stay for a bit before he had to go through security, so we sit in a restaurant and have serious conversations, that's when I told him I had been married before and I had a child and that's when he told me that he had been on a relationship for 13 years and it ended a year ago, he said he was over it just sad that it ended.

 

When it was about time for us to say good bye, he got really serious, I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was sad. I told him that even if I never saw him again, he was going to be someone special for me. He said that there's a saying that people meet twice implying that we might meet again. We kissed good bye right before he went to security and I left the airport with this heaviness in my heart. I know it was such a short time, but I've never met anyone like him and I surely developed feelings for him. I cried on my way home from the airport. Before he left he said that if it wasn't too awkward for me, that we should keep in touch and added me on Facebook. We talked when he was at his stop and he texted me when he got to his final destination to let me know he got there well.

 

Since then, the conversations have been less frequent, I know he had a presentation to give this week that was causing him stress even since he was here and he had told me that he dedicated days and nights to this presentation, so I know for a fact that he was busy but I was the one contacting him all this week (like every 2-3 days), he did answer all of my texts in a timely manner. Right now I don't know what to think. I clearly have feelings for this guy, it seemed to be reciprocal when he was here, he is so kind and caring towards me I'd like to think he has to feel something too, but I'm concerned first because I don't really know how he feels, where does this take us and if there is even a slight possibility of us starting a relationship. I was planning to go to his city even before I met him, so I know there's a good chance we'd have the opportunity to meet again. When he was here he initially mentioned that he was not going to apply for jobs in the US again(he used to live here before) but then the last day we met he said that he was walking in the city and thought it was really nice and it made him reconsider that statement about moving to the US and he said maybe he should start applying for jobs here, not sure if he really meant it. Also most of his 13 yr relationship was long distance as he had moved a few times during that time and they only lived together for a year or so.

 

At this point I would think that if he wanted to consider something more serious with me he would bring it up, but also he kept implying that he was afraid to bring things up because I could have felt awkward. I know he was very clear at the beginning that he didn't want anything serious, but all this took us both by surprise. My very close friend is advising me to tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid. I know very well that I could not see this guy again in my life and if that's the case, I'd still not regret a single thing, those 4 days I shared with him are going to be very special for me and even though it hurts I wouldn't change anything. How do a LDR even start? I don't want to bring it up but should I share my feelings? Should I just continue the way things are and see if he says anything? See if he starts more conversations now that his presentation is over? I miss him so much

[Els]

I suggest you express your feelings to him and see what his response is - no harm talking about it. If he says he feels the same way you do, then you can see if his actions match his words (does he start initiating contact, does he find ways to meet up, etc). If he says he doesn't then you can move on much faster than if you were just holding your feelings inside.

[TMichaels]

So let me get this straight...

 

Some guy from Europe is planning to attend a conference in the US, and in between packing his underwear, he makes time to put up a profile on a DATING website to ensure he'll see some action while he's in town?

 

Doesn't this strike you as just a little but odd, or at the very least very needy?

 

Post-liaison mega-presentation to prepare or not, I don't think it's a good thing that you are doing all the reaching out now he's gone back to where ever he came from. You're making it clear to him that you're hooked which means he doesn't put out any effort at all to get and keep your attention.

 

You're not going to like this, but I have a feeling his story about a 13-year relationship gone south is bunk. Mobile job or not, THIRTEEN YEARS long-distance and he/she couldn't find a way or weren't willing to be together? Sorry, don't buy it. But, let's say for the sake of argument it was true. Doesn't that say something about his inability to commit, or alternately, a certain comfort level with being distant or leaving things as they are even if less than ideal?

 

TBH, I think there's a reason for all of that -- as in HE's NOT as unattached as he led you to believe. My guess is that he's married and IF indeed (and that's a BIG "if"), he had a 13-yr relationship that went south, it was with some woman he had on the side. Yeah, I bet he was sad when it ended. Always a downer when you've been used to having your cake and eating it too, to have to find a new baker.

 

I am also willing to bet putting up profiles on dating websites in an area that he will be visiting temporarily isn't a new innovation -- it's something he has done in the past. As charming as he may be (and in fact that may be why his "technique" is so successful), I have a feeling that like the proverbial sailor, he has "a woman in every port."

 

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I think you'd be best served as putting this guy in the category of "holiday fling" and leave it at that. The fact his level of contact has waned since he returned home is not a good sign. IF a guy is head over heels about a woman, he'll be all over her and nothing else will stand in his way.

 

DO NOT continue to reach out to this guy, and if he reaches out to you, unless there's an offer for you to come visit him *at his home* -- not at some "impersonal" location like a resort, holiday venue, or even at yet another conference -- you need to nip this in the bud.

 

You're already way too invested and building castles in the sky with someone you think you know based on 72 hours of what from the get-go was defined by him as a no-strings-attached idle amusement.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[hechicera]

Thank you all for your input!

 

TMichaels I really appreciate your comments because what I am afraid off is of having this bubbly world in my head that is not realistic and idealize this man. But just to clarify some things, I have this guy on Facebook and in some of his posts from before meeting me is easy to see he's single. Yeah, the 13 yr relationship concerned me, I don't know anyone who lasts that long without further plans to move on or at least establish something more permanent, but like I said he moves for work and I see how that could have played a role and I have no reason to believe he was lying about that. I dig deep with this guys I meet online because it scares me but nothing he has told me has been a lie so far. About the online dating profile, it's on Tinder, all you have to do is put up a picture and a few words, I got the impression he's had the profile for a while and he just changed the location to see if he was lucky to meet someone in my city, and like I said I think we were both clear we were just going to meet and have a good time without expectations but I was very surprised that things turned out how they did and I got the impression he did too, that we both developed feelings. If he decided that's all it was then I obviously have to accept that, and like they said it's better to have loved and hurt than not have loved at all, I'm not saying that I love him but being with him was a completely difference experience than what I have had in the past and I think even if this is it I don't regret. I'm just going to have a hard time because I don't like to settle and to know there's someone like him out there, many of the men I've known will fall out short.

 

I think expressing my feelings is a good idea, I'm just so afraid

[hechicera]

Thank you all for your input!

 

TMichaels I really appreciate your comments because what I am afraid off is of having this bubbly world in my head that is not realistic and idealize this man. But just to clarify some things, I have this guy on Facebook and in some of his posts from before meeting me is easy to see he's single. Yeah, the 13 yr relationship concerned me, I don't know anyone who lasts that long without further plans to move on or at least establish something more permanent, but like I said he moves for work and I see how that could have played a role and I have no reason to believe he was lying about that. I dig deep with this guys I meet online because it scares me but nothing he has told me has been a lie so far. About the online dating profile, it's on Tinder, all you have to do is put up a picture and a few words, I got the impression he's had the profile for a while and he just changed the location to see if he was lucky to meet someone in my city, and like I said I think we were both clear we were just going to meet and have a good time without expectations but I was very surprised that things turned out how they did and I got the impression he did too, that we both developed feelings. If he decided that's all it was then I obviously have to accept that, and like they said it's better to have loved and hurt than not have loved at all, I'm not saying that I love him but being with him was a completely difference experience than what I have had in the past and I think even if this is it I don't regret. I'm just going to have a hard time because I don't like to settle and to know there's someone like him out there, many of the men I've known will fall out short.

 

I think expressing my feelings is a good idea, I'm just so afraid

[lazcas]

The man said clearly from the beginning that it was just for fun. Trying to stay in touch with him doesn't do you any favors, nobody is too busy as to at least send a msg here and there, if he doesn't reach out is because he doesn't want to, as simple as that. If you agreed to the terms that it was only for fun, just some vacation sex then you need to face it now. This man probably does the same whenever he gets the chance to travel and the fact that he added you to Facebook really means nothing. It was an experience you enjoyed and it doesn't have to be bad unless you keep building up expectations which you are doing. If the man wanted a relatioship he would be acting different. From what you said it is clear that's not what he wants. It would be better for you to let it go before you end up feeling hurt.

[TMichaels]

...like they said it's better to have loved and hurt than not have loved at all..

 

I think expressing my feelings is a good idea, I'm just so afraid

 

If you believe the first item above, then you should have no problem expressing the second.

 

However, I don't see any need for you to rush out and profess your deepest, darkest fantasies. Back off, sit tight, and quit being the initiator. See what HE does.

 

If he cools his jets, then you know he's not hot to trot. If he proposes some sort of liaison at a location that keeps you at arm's length, that also is telling.

 

Instead of being so needy, let him do the chasing and make it clear he is interested in you. If he doesn't, even though you'd like not to believe it, there are other fish in the sea of the same variety. You just have to keep looking.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

P.S. I don't care if you two were using Tinder or not. He was supposed to be in town for a conference. I still find it troubling that someone would make it a priority to purposely change their profile to get into a "no strings attached" relationship with someone in a foreign location they would only be in for a few days. As I told you, I doubt this is his first rodeo using this "technique." You may disagree (or are too deep into the haze of infatuation), to see that this sort of behavior raises red flags and doesn't bode well for anything except more fleeting liaisons down the line. Unless you want to assume the role of an unpaid call girl, you can do better, and should.

[basil67]

Thanks for the edit - makes it much easier to read.

 

he then tells me he wasn't looking for something serious, just have some fun times since he was only here for a few days and asked if it was a deal breaker for me to what I answered no.

 

This is what he was looking for and it's what he had with you. Fun times, nothing serious. Basically, a holiday romance.

 

Being that you're on two different continents and that he wasn't looking for anything serious, I highly doubt he's going to be interested in pursuing anything further with you.

 

Stash these memories of him away as a lovely, fun fling.

[Lois_Griffin]

So let me get this straight...

 

Some guy from Europe is planning to attend a conference in the US, and in between packing his underwear, he makes time to put up a profile on a DATING website to ensure he'll see some action while he's in town?

 

Doesn't this strike you as just a little but odd, or at the very least very needy?

I'd be willing to bet a shiny nickel that he probably had an ad on AdultFriendFinder as well, looking for female company in the area during his stay there.

 

Look OP, he told you up front he wasn't looking for a romance. He was looking for 'company' during his few days in the area and once he went home again, it was back to REAL life.

 

Over the years, MANY songs have immortalized the classic 'summer romance' and how it fades once summer is over. This is the same principle - it was grand for 3 or 4 days and then when he went back home, it was over. It was nothing more than a fling.

 

You'd do well to read TM Michael's post about 1000 times. I agree that he threw up a Tinder ad for when he was in town because he wanted to take advantage of being away from home and find himself a willing woman to have sex with. I also agree that that wasn't the FIRST time he pulled that crap when traveling. I have my suspicions he's not single but even if he is single, what's the point of wasting your time on some guy who has basically just about FORGOTTEN you since he left?

 

Don't humiliate yourself by acting like a teenage girl with a crush and professing your emotions to him. He's NOT interested. And considering the fact that he probably uses Tinder anywhere he goes to get himself some strange, what would be the POINT of a silly LDR with this guy anyway? That wold be the biggest waste of your life.

 

Forget him.

[xforeverlove21]

In my humble opinion, LDR hardly ever works out. My friends parents even got a divorce after being LDR for 1 year... IMO I think it's pointless to have

[coolheadal]

When it sounds too good to be true it probably was. You had a fun week with this stranger in met in person. But what next? But you see what he's doing playing the field and even if you get him to return or you jump on the next flight out to him like most to. And get to know him in his own country would be the next move. This your life we can only comment on what we would do in your situation. When it comes to love like this you never go with your heart you go with your gut!