LDR can they work?

[Chen12]

Hello there! I would like some advice. So after a rough breakup I decided that dating would get my mind off of things. So I joined a dating site (POF). I was never really serious about it, just thought why not. I get a lot of messages and don't really answer much of them but decided to answer a few on a whim. Well.. that's how I met the guy I'm talking to right now (lets call him DW).

 

I was taking to DW on the site for a few weeks and we slowly progressed to exchanging phone numbers the ending of last month. He works night and that's when I talk to him. He is often super bored at work and loves to talk to me because I help keep him awake. We have a LOT in common but what has struck me the most is how protective of me he is already. Also He's super funny and I really really like him .... a lot.

 

I can almost compare it to a crush. (I haven't felt like this since high school). Thing is I've never met him before. We exchange pictures often so I know Im not being cat-fished. ( Well I hope Im not). He lives about an hour or so from me and he doesn't have a car. He says he is planning to get one soon and can not wait to see me in person

 

... It feels ... almost unreal.... After dating my ex for 2 years or so I thought it would take me years to get over him (according to a lot of other people when talking bout their first love) but within a month It is almost like he has disappeared from my mind and it seems I have found a guy that I really really like.... I would even go as far as too say much more than I did with my ex at the very beginning.

 

 

We are both planning to take things very slow.. so we can figure things out. My question is I've heard long distance relationships are hard and doomed to fail... How accurate is this statement? I like him a lot and He obviously feels the same. I really want this to work out. Do you guys have any tips for someone starting a LDR? Any advice will be welcomed.

[hippychick3]

First of all, 1 hour is not long distance. Many people drive an hour or more to work each day.

 

Secondly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, nobody is real until you meet them in person. Step way back and realize that right now you're living in a fantasy until you've met. In all my experience with online dating, NONE of the guys I talked to were exactly how I pictured them once we met...including those who showed me lots of pics.

 

You're not in any relationship with this person. He's a total stranger. Any feelings at this point are pure fantasy.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, just because you talk on the phone and exchange pictures doesn't make you immune to being catfished. That's not to sound negative but you need to be aware that there is rarely 100% certainty of anything in life. If things continue to go well then I would recommend you Skype or Facetime with each other and get comfortable chatting face to face until you can meet up in person. This will also confirm you're talking to the person in the pictures.

 

Second, being an hour apart is...umm...nothing! Those of us who've been in LDR would give our right hands to have had our partners only an hour away. Many LDR are many hours away, thousands of miles apart and in some cases, are in completely different time zones. Talk about challenging. Consider yourself lucky OP. In my humble opinion, this barely constitutes a LDR in my book.

 

 

Going back to your comment that he doesn't have a vehicle. Although that might very well be a legit excuse, I can't help but ask why doesn't he think about using local transportation to see you? Buses, trains, taxi or even rent a car. All are very possible and not all that expensive when you only have an hour distance between each other. I'm not sure you need to wait until he can gather some scratch for a car. That seems very unnecessary.

 

Also, why don't YOU go see him? There's nothing to say you can't pay him a visit and meet up at a coffee house.

 

Just thinking out loud.

 

As for tips for being in LDR, I've chatted about it many times on here and all I'll tell you is that trust and communication is HUGE. Relationships are hard when you're both in the same city so doing it whilst living in different cities means you both have to want it and work at it every day.

 

Good luck.

[Chen12]

 

Secondly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, nobody is real until you meet them in person. Step way back and realize that right now you're living in a fantasy until you've met. In all my experience with online dating, NONE of the guys I talked to were exactly how I pictured them once we met...including those who showed me lots of pics.

 

 

Yeah I understand that. I told him that we shouldn't get attached to each other until we meet in person. Unfortunately seems I haven't stuck to this rule myself.

[Chen12]

First, just because you talk on the phone and exchange pictures doesn't make you immune to being catfished. That's not to sound negative but you need to be aware that there is rarely 100% certainty of anything in life. If things continue to go well then I would recommend you Skype or Facetime with each other and get comfortable chatting face to face until you can meet up in person. This will also confirm you're talking to the person in the pictures.

 

 

Going back to your comment that he doesn't have a vehicle. Although that might very well be a legit excuse, I can't help but ask why doesn't he think about using local transportation to see you? Buses, trains, taxi or even rent a car. All are very possible and not all that expensive when you only have an hour distance between each other. I'm not sure you need to wait until he can gather some scratch for a car. That seems very unnecessary.

 

Also, why don't YOU go see him? There's nothing to say you can't pay him a visit and meet up at a coffee house.

 

I know an hour away is not considered long distance to most people but it is too me. I also don't have a car and we were actually we were going to meet up last weekend (he was going to use public transit) but I had to work and he decided against it because he almost has the money for a car. I might be cat-fished.. I have no way of knowing until I meet him. I just hope I am not.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know an hour away is not considered long distance to most people but it is too me. I also don't have a car and we were actually we were going to meet up last weekend (he was going to use public transit) but I had to work and he decided against it because he almost has the money for a car. I might be cat-fished.. I have no way of knowing until I meet him. I just hope I am not.

 

Jump on Skype asap. Better to know sooner rather than waste your time and energy on something that isn't even real to start with.

[d0nnivain]

I know an hour away is not considered long distance to most people but it is too me. I also don't have a car and we were actually we were going to meet up last weekend (he was going to use public transit) but I had to work and he decided against it because he almost has the money for a car. I might be cat-fished.. I have no way of knowing until I meet him. I just hope I am not.

 

While this is not long distance it is geographically undesirable. Basically the fact that neither of you have a car is going to make this unworkable because it will just be a giant p.i.t.a.

 

LDRs can work but they take commitment. More importantly they work when you already know the person & have a foundation and when you know you can close the gap at a specified time. I kept one going on a bi-coastal basis -- him in LA, me outside of NYC for 2 years with the idea that I would relocate when I finished grad school. Other things, not the distance, split is apart.

 

Yours right now if it is anything is an OLR -- an on line relationship. I'm not a fan but some people make it work. I don't give you two much of a chance unless you fix the transportation issues.

[justwhoiam]

I joined a dating site (POF). I was never really serious about it

And that was good, because from what I heard POF is not the best place to find someone for a steady relationship...

 

He works night and that's when I talk to him. He is often super bored at work and loves to talk to me because I help keep him awake. We have a LOT in common but what has struck me the most is how protective of me he is already. Also He's super funny and I really really like him .... a lot.

Oh. Hello? Reality check: he only talks to you when he's bored >>> huge red flag. That says a lot about his level of interest in you. So chill out. Slow down with him. Cut down the talking during his work hours. See if he enjoys sharing some time with you or catching up with you in his spare time too.

 

If he's unavailable in his spare time, it most certainly means that he has a family and you just serve as a diversion when he's at work.

 

Now try to stop the daydreaming.

 

And I confirm what others said: a one-hour drive is not LD.

 

I've heard long distance relationships are hard and doomed to fail... How accurate is this statement?

Quite accurate, statistically speaking.

 

Do you guys have any tips for someone starting a LDR?

If you want to turn a one-hour distance into a LDR, that's just very wrong. Should you meet the guy and you fall in love with each other, and he's a keeper, then what you want to do is reducing the distance. If that's not possible, then meet up every week taking turns or so.

[Chen12]

And that was good, because from what I heard POF is not the best place to find someone for a steady relationship...

 

Oh. Hello? Reality check: he only talks to you when he's bored >>> huge red flag. That says a lot about his level of interest in you. So chill out. Slow down with him. Cut down the talking during his work hours. See if he enjoys sharing some time with you or catching up with you in his spare time too.

 

If he's unavailable in his spare time, it most certainly means that he has a family and you just serve as a diversion when he's at work.

 

Now try to stop the daydreaming.

 

And I confirm what others said: a one-hour drive is not LD.

 

Quite accurate, statistically speaking.

 

If you want to turn a one-hour distance into a LDR, that's just very wrong. Should you meet the guy and you fall in love with each other, and he's a keeper, then what you want to do is reducing the distance. If that's not possible, then meet up every week taking turns or so.

 

Sorry I shouldn't have phrased it like that. I don't only communicate at night with him. He text me every morning and we talk throughout the day. I just meant we talk on the phone at night. I like it this way because I'm busy during the day. I also work and I'm not a phone person at all especially when I'm going about my day. At night I'm laying in bed already so It doesn't seem like an inconvenience. And ok. I'm also getting a car soon. I have almost the right amount for a down payment. I should have one in three weeks or so. Its just that hes a lot closer to his goal then I am So I'm assuming hes going to come to me first. And I always considered a relationship where it takes more than an hour to see the other person was a LDR. We are not together yet but we both talked and agreed that we ultimately want a relationship... I don't know everyone is just shutting down my opinions.. Everyone seems to be assuming the worst. So you guys are saying that

1) I could be getting catfished

2) I'm daydreaming and need a reality check

3) This guy isn't as into me as I think he is

 

Why is everyone so negative :/... I'm asking for advice

He even said that if he could find a job where I live he would move because he hates his area but obviously Im turning this into something that it is clearly not.. any suggestions on what to do... Do I stop talking to him or should I just wait for us to meet up to decide?

[justwhoiam]

Sorry I shouldn't have phrased it like that. I don't only communicate at night with him.

Hi Chen, our advice and opinions are based on the information you decide to give us. If the picture you provided is incomplete, any advice you receive won't be spot on.

 

You wrote: He works night and that's when I talk to him

Now you say, no, it's not just at night, we talk all the time, just not on the phone. As a general rule, I'd be cautious, if he's free to talk only from work.

Did he mention not to call at a certain time, or you're free to call whenever?

 

I'm assuming hes going to come to me first.

Why assume? Ask him when he plans to come see you and to give you a sure date when he can come visit. You pick a public place where you can meet him. And then see how it goes and how you feel with him. Before that, keep the daydreaming in check.

 

We are not together yet but we both talked and agreed that we ultimately want a relationship...

That means you have the same goal, but that's not a good enough reason to be with him. So you can meet him and find out.

 

So you guys are saying that

1) I could be getting catfished

Yes, there's always a risk for that when you get contacted by someone online and you don't know who they are.

2) I'm daydreaming and need a reality check

Yes, basically that creates expectations that might not be met when you see him in person. It happened in a number of cases that were reported here too. Or after the meeting is over, communication slows down or the other person gets cold and distant... so in the end if you keep your feet on the ground, you can't go wrong and you won't be let down...

3) This guy isn't as into me as I think he is

I have no idea about that. I can't tell, as I don't know him, really. I would safely say that you wouldn't mean much to a guy who only talks to you when he's bored. But you explained that you phrased it wrong, and he's eager to spend time with you all the time.

 

should I just wait for us to meet up to decide?

Yes. Edited May 17, 2016 by justwhoiam

[coolheadal]

This one is odd one but be careful to many strange men and women on those sites a lot of lying going, unreal, fakes, scammers and those asking for funds via western union or money gram. Cat-fish saga is another one also. This guy is 1 hr from you of course you could go and check him out and bring a friend with you to do so. Since he never met you he won't know it's you. Another thing even if he doesn't drive he might have lost his DL to DD got to consider that also. Like the story goes if it sounds too good to be true it's probability is?

[d0nnivain]

Why is everyone so negative :/... I'm asking for advice

He even said that if he could find a job where I live he would move because he hates his area but obviously Im turning this into something that it is clearly not.. any suggestions on what to do... Do I stop talking to him or should I just wait for us to meet up to decide?

 

 

We're so negative because we have seen too many naïve people get taken advantage of.

 

 

The fact that a man who you have never met is even mentioning the idea of relocating to be closer to you is a giant red flag. He seems to be telling you what you want to hear & you are falling for it.

 

 

You want to believe. It's understandable but you need to slow down. You seem to want to move forward but he has done nothing to earn that level of trust yet & awful lot to make him seem suspicious. At minimum have you Googled him or done a reverse look up on his phone & address?

 

 

If -- and this is a HUGE IF -- you can keep a reign on your emotions & not fall for him, keep talking to him if you like. Be very cautious & take nothing he says at face value. Assume there's an angle & he's a con man. I hope for your sake I'm wrong but if I'm not, you are protected. Make no commitments or major promises until you meet in person.

 

 

If you are not the type that can hold her emotions in check or you fall in love easily severe the ties now, before you fall harder & end up hurt.

[TeddyBeer]

[...]

Yes it can most definitely work. Myself I have met and been with my boyfriend for six months before it became long distance though. I have been in other long term relationships living in close proximity of my boyfriends then.. although still 45min/1,5 hour (two really serious ones, one of them for 3,5 years, other one 2 years and a little), and with now 5000 miles between us our relationship is even better, even though we have this distance between us. I feel like our relationship is better, deeper and stronger than any other relationship I ever had. I think this is because of the distance, all we have is communication. So we talk and talk and talk and our relationship is so strong because of it! You do need to be able to suffer through not being able to physically touch him, but I have to say if you have a strong connection it is no problem. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for love.

[Chen12]

We're so negative because we have seen too many naïve people get taken advantage of.

 

 

The fact that a man who you have never met is even mentioning the idea of relocating to be closer to you is a giant red flag. He seems to be telling you what you want to hear & you are falling for it.

 

 

You want to believe. It's understandable but you need to slow down. You seem to want to move forward but he has done nothing to earn that level of trust yet & awful lot to make him seem suspicious. At minimum have you Googled him or done a reverse look up on his phone & address?

 

 

If -- and this is a HUGE IF -- you can keep a reign on your emotions & not fall for him, keep talking to him if you like. Be very cautious & take nothing he says at face value. Assume there's an angle & he's a con man. I hope for your sake I'm wrong but if I'm not, you are protected. Make no commitments or major promises until you meet in person.

 

 

If you are not the type that can hold her emotions in check or you fall in love easily severe the ties now, before you fall harder & end up hurt.

 

oh.. Yes I agree. He does seem to be saying all the right things.... and it seems that I am falling for it. I text him asking for us to slow down so I can get my head on straight. He agreed and Im seeing things much more clearly now. I will wait until we meet to make any judgement

[TeddyBeer]

He lives about an hour or so from me

 

I'm sorry what? I did not read this properly I guess. Just an hour away? Just meet up with the guy, how much does a train ticket even cost you? Just go there! It is so, so close. What I would give to be so close to my love. That is not long distance.